Must...Not...Laugh...

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

So starting this month, we're selling rental insurance for twenty-five cents per rental. If you get the insurance, and you break your disc, you aren't liable for replacement fees. Of course, this is a crock, because you can get FREE insurance just by bringing it back and saying "Hey, I rented this and it won't play."

Whatever.

Anyway, what's special about it is that for the month of August we're donating 100% of the proceeds from the insurance to the Starlight Starbright Children's Foundation. This has led to some interesting comments regarding charity.

Yesterday, I asked a man if he would like to donate money to Starlight, and he said no because he was on our MVP plan and didn't have any cash on him. As I'm bagging his movies, he says:

Him: "Sometimes I wish I could be a philanderer."
Me: *grinning* "...beg pardon?"
Him: *as if talking to a kitten or a very small child* "Philanderer. That means someone who gives a lot of money to charity."

I guess that definition is accurate, if by "money" you mean "sex" and by "charity" you mean "many different women." Personally, I would have used "philanthropist" instead, but ok. I can forgive slips of the tongue, but being patronized is something I cannot abide, especially when the one doing the patronizing is, well, wrong.

Share some times when you have had to struggle not to burst out laughing at a customer.

[PuckishOne]

Or, sometimes, a co-worker...

During a meeting, my co-worker C emphatically told us all he remembered a certain conversation with a certain troublesome customer because he has a "photogenic memory."

I waited a second or two for the punch line, but...alas.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Last winter I had an older man come in and look for some items he had seen recommended in an issue of Consumer Reports.

It turned out we did not have the items in question. He told me he really didn't want to go down the street to Wally World because "all the clerks there take ugly pills!"

[Jester]

WOMAN: "What kind of fish is the Key West Grouper?"
ME: "Um.....grouper..."
[All while the husband is doing his best not to laugh his ass off.]
-------------------------------------------------------------- WOMAN: "What are your soups today?"
ME: "A, B, C, and D."
WOMAN: "So if I get the half sandwich and soup, it has to be one of those?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

The husband is notorious for doing this (the amusing mis-speaks, not the patronizing tone.)

I sent him all around a lab we both worked at once looking for Panalure film...but what he was asking for was "Pantaloon" film and I kept sending him around to different people so they could all get a chuckle.

I really am an awful person.

[HYHYBT]

"Is that a camera in your pantaloons...."

Never mind.

[The cat whisperer]

I once had a lady try to return a glass of white zinfindel. The conversation went something like this (it's been awhile).

SC= Well, SC
A: My bar operator
M: adorable as ever

SC: (Bringing the glass to the bar) Your server brought me the wrong wine.
A: What did you order?
SC: A white zinfindel. (Yes, she stressed the white part)
A: (Staring at the pale pink liquid) Uh, that is a white zinfindel.
SC: No it's not. It's pink.
M: (Jaw hits the floor). Yes ma'am. That's what the white refers to. It is a lighter blush than a red zin.
SC: No, I've had white zinfindel before. (Again with the stressing)

This goes back and forth a good three minutes. A proceeds to show her the actual bottle our house wine comes in. She still argues saying, "The label on the bottle is wrong." At that point I found something interesting to do in the kitchen, because I could not hold back my laughter. Turns out A finally gave the lady a glass of reisling and sent her on her way.

Sad to say she isn't the only story. Being a movie house that serves beer, we get our fair share of the stupid.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Conversation in Olive Garden:

SC: This pasta e fagioli (pronounced fag-lee-OH-lee, of course.) has beans in it.
Me: (holy crap, stop the presses! ) Um. Yes?
SC: Well, I don't lke beans.
Me: Pasta e fagioli has beans in it. Would you like me to replace it with the minestrone?
SC: No, I like the pasta e fagioli. Last time I was here, it didn't have beans.
Me: (must...not...laugh) Ma'am, pastae fagioli has always had beans in it.
SC: No, last time...
Me: Ma'am, pasta e fagioli is Italian for "pasta and beans." Why don't you let me get you a bowl of minestrone?
SC: Can you get me a another bowl of pasta e fagioli and take the beans out?
Me: (feeling that vein in my forehead start to throb, probably visibly. Take moment to collect myself and push what I really want to say back into the "evil" part of my brain.) No, ma'am. I'm not going to pick beans out of you soup for you.

I think I ended up bringing her something else, probably the minestone. When I came back later, she was all nice. I think the other woman she was with probably called her into line when I wasn't looking. As I recall, they tipped reasonably, too.

[ArenaBoy]

A few weeks ago, I was at a road that would point people to where they were supposed to park. Ask if they have VIP or general and that's it. I asked one guy if he was supposed to be in VIP, his buddy decides to be a smartass and says "Yeah, we could do VIP." I asked if he had a VIP pass and he said no then asked if I can help them get in, I told them no. As they drove off my coworker was laughing his ass of because of the way he said the we could do VIP.

[Kiwi]

not really a customers story but it was funny all the same (although maybe you had to be there)

11 years old (im was still coming to grips with my dyslexia and didnt do well having to read aloud if i wasnt familiar with something) I was in the school play, an old mean matron of a retirement home.

One of the residents in the home is making this speech about how im an old chook and getting me really angry.

Script called for me to shout out "EASY BUSTER your skating on thin ice"

but I didnt read it properly and instead with all the anger and conviction I can muster scream out " EASTER BUNNY!!! you skating on thin ice"

room packed up, i wanted to sink through the floor

[toolbert]

but I didnt read it properly and instead with all the anger and conviction I can muster scream out " EASTER BUNNY!!! you skating on thin ice"

That's just too cute.

On topic:

I always get dumbfounded by the people who as me how to get downstairs. To give you an idea of our Mall...it's like a giant cylinder with these cool spiral escalators. So on one side there's one going up...so wouldn't you think there was one going down on the other? Oh no, not for the people who visit my mall. People never fail to argue with me that there is no down escalator....so when they start to ask how to get downstairs...I someitmes tell them they can just hop over the bar and land on one of the tables

[protege]

That's just too cute.

People never fail to argue with me that there is no down escalator....so when they start to ask how to get downstairs...I someitmes tell them they can just hop over the bar and land on one of the tables

I just *knew* someone was going to say that

[Rapscallion]

"Is that a camera in your pantaloons...."

"...or is it a really big zoon lens?"

What? What?

Rapscallion

[Jester]

SC: Well, I don't lke beans.
Me: Pasta e fagioli has beans in it. Would you like me to replace it with the minestrone?

Call me crazy (and many have and do), but doesn't minstrone have beans in it too? Those big dark red kidney or navy beans? (I never remember which is which.)

[LostMyMind]

If you don't like beans in your soup, stick with potato soup of some kind. I've yet to find beans in those. I hate beans in my soup, beans are soup fillers they bring nothing to the soup except to make it more "heavy". Unless you have a sensitive tongue which I do, it brings that nasty aftertaste to the soup.