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"Welcome!" I greeted the customer, with an ever-so-convincing smile, almost as if I cared about something other than my date that evening with Ms. Mango.
"Is it here yet?" she asked, getting right to the point.
The customer was of an interesting type. Her hair extended an impressive distance away from her head, not unlike the character Alice in the Dilbert comics. For some inexplicable reason, her lips were rolled over her teeth almost as if she were pretending she had none, in order to lull me into a false sense of security before she attacked. I resolved not to lose eye contact.
"Is what here?" I asked, doing a very good job of sounding like I had no idea what she was talking about. I had no idea what she was talking about.
"The book," the customer explained, "that the girl I spoke to last time was going to order for me."
"Hmm," I said, because they tend to like it when you at least look like you're concentrating on their problem. (In reality, I was concentrating on Ms. Mango.)
"I actually don't recall any special orders being made recently," I said. This was true. It was kind of odd having a ready-made answer and NOT having to think one up on the spot. "Do you remember the name of the girl you dealt with?"
"Oh! The girl's name was..." she paused, doing a very good job of pretending she was trying to think of their name. But I knew better.
"Betty Sue?" I asked helpfully.
"Yes!" she exclaimed triumphantly, falling right into my trap. The only other employee who worked in that department was a very large man named Mitch.
"And did, er, Betty Sue call you to tell you your order was here?" I ask.
"No," she says. "It's just been so long since I made the order, I'm sure it's here by now."
"All right. Just one moment please." I went to the back room for a moment to look at my framed picture of Ms. Mango.
Some time later, I returned. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I spoke with Betty Sue. She says she remembers you coming in, but that you didn't place an order. What was the title of the book?"
She tells me. I know the book and tell her I'd be glad to order it. I could even have it here on tomorrow morning's truck. All she would need to do is prepay for it.
"No, no, no need to do that," she said. "I only wanted to get it if it were here. I don't want it otherwise. I probably won't ever want it. I've spent so much time travelling here that I won't be able to come again."
I wondered why, if it took her so long to get here, she didn't verify that the product she'd "ordered" was in yet.
Several days later, she returned, and asked if the book had arrived.
Given that she had not paid for the book, I had not ordered it. Given that I had not ordered it, it was rather unlikely that it would be here. I voiced my logic to the customer.
She appeared crestfallen. "I was sure it would be here," she said.
"Did one of us give you a call to tell you that?" I ask. It's fun asking questions that I already know the answer to.
"Oh, no," she says. "I was just so sure it would be here that I didn't check." [Editor's note: this was verbatim.]
I offer again to order the book. She declines.
She did select a DVD, paid for it with cash, and went on her way.
Several days later, I received a page. Someone who refused to give her name was on line eighteen with a question about a DVD. I do a quick check of the computer. We have only sold one copy of that DVD in the past two months. I pick up line eighteen, ready for anything.
"Hello, how may I help you? My name is Mango," I say.
"Hello. I purchased a DVD from you a few days ago. It plays the first few minutes, but then stops."
"No problem," I say, eager to please, "We'll send you out another one, no charge. May I please have your name?"
"No!" she yelped, almost as if I had trodden on her tail.
"All right then...?" I say. I admit I was not ready for this. Usually, free products pacify a customer.
"No!" she said again. "I just thought you should know. I'll come by and exchange it next time I'm in the area."
Several days after that, she brought back the DVD. I opened the case to discover it looked like someone had used the DVD as a coaster.
"It looks like someone has used this DVD as a coaster!" I say.
"I don't know anything about that. It was like that when I got it," she explains.
I resist the urge to inform her that here at my store, we rarely use brand-new, shrinkwrapped DVDs as coasters, and then package them up and re-shrinkwrap them, just to annoy the customers.
She tells me that she would rather have a refund. She didn't really like the first few minutes that she did see.
I resist the urge to inform her that I would have given her a refund, no questions asked. She wasn't required to use the DVD as a coaster first.
She decided to look at the books.
I kept a close eye on her.
She turned to me, seeming confused. She couldn't find a book. Yes, *the* book.
I raised one eyebrow. It must have been pretty high, because I didn't even need to open my mouth.
"Well, you know," she said. I did not know. Fortunately, she continued. "I just thought that since I'd been asking about it so much you would have brought it in."
"Not unless you order it, pay for it, send a carrier piegon with a note about it, or give me SOME kind of indication that you want me to do that for you. I COULD do that for you, if you want," I say, noting that this is the third time I have offered to do this.
She declined again. If it wasn't here, right now, she didn't want it.
We debated ordering in a copy of the book, or telling her the next time she came in that we HAD ordered one, but someone had bought it just the day before.
We decided the second one would be more fun.
For once, I can't WAIT for a customer to be back!
"Is it here yet?" she asked, getting right to the point.
The customer was of an interesting type. Her hair extended an impressive distance away from her head, not unlike the character Alice in the Dilbert comics. For some inexplicable reason, her lips were rolled over her teeth almost as if she were pretending she had none, in order to lull me into a false sense of security before she attacked. I resolved not to lose eye contact.
"Is what here?" I asked, doing a very good job of sounding like I had no idea what she was talking about. I had no idea what she was talking about.
"The book," the customer explained, "that the girl I spoke to last time was going to order for me."
"Hmm," I said, because they tend to like it when you at least look like you're concentrating on their problem. (In reality, I was concentrating on Ms. Mango.)
"I actually don't recall any special orders being made recently," I said. This was true. It was kind of odd having a ready-made answer and NOT having to think one up on the spot. "Do you remember the name of the girl you dealt with?"
"Oh! The girl's name was..." she paused, doing a very good job of pretending she was trying to think of their name. But I knew better.
"Betty Sue?" I asked helpfully.
"Yes!" she exclaimed triumphantly, falling right into my trap. The only other employee who worked in that department was a very large man named Mitch.
"And did, er, Betty Sue call you to tell you your order was here?" I ask.
"No," she says. "It's just been so long since I made the order, I'm sure it's here by now."
"All right. Just one moment please." I went to the back room for a moment to look at my framed picture of Ms. Mango.
Some time later, I returned. "I'm sorry," I apologized. "I spoke with Betty Sue. She says she remembers you coming in, but that you didn't place an order. What was the title of the book?"
She tells me. I know the book and tell her I'd be glad to order it. I could even have it here on tomorrow morning's truck. All she would need to do is prepay for it.
"No, no, no need to do that," she said. "I only wanted to get it if it were here. I don't want it otherwise. I probably won't ever want it. I've spent so much time travelling here that I won't be able to come again."
I wondered why, if it took her so long to get here, she didn't verify that the product she'd "ordered" was in yet.
Several days later, she returned, and asked if the book had arrived.
Given that she had not paid for the book, I had not ordered it. Given that I had not ordered it, it was rather unlikely that it would be here. I voiced my logic to the customer.
She appeared crestfallen. "I was sure it would be here," she said.
"Did one of us give you a call to tell you that?" I ask. It's fun asking questions that I already know the answer to.
"Oh, no," she says. "I was just so sure it would be here that I didn't check." [Editor's note: this was verbatim.]
I offer again to order the book. She declines.
She did select a DVD, paid for it with cash, and went on her way.
Several days later, I received a page. Someone who refused to give her name was on line eighteen with a question about a DVD. I do a quick check of the computer. We have only sold one copy of that DVD in the past two months. I pick up line eighteen, ready for anything.
"Hello, how may I help you? My name is Mango," I say.
"Hello. I purchased a DVD from you a few days ago. It plays the first few minutes, but then stops."
"No problem," I say, eager to please, "We'll send you out another one, no charge. May I please have your name?"
"No!" she yelped, almost as if I had trodden on her tail.
"All right then...?" I say. I admit I was not ready for this. Usually, free products pacify a customer.
"No!" she said again. "I just thought you should know. I'll come by and exchange it next time I'm in the area."
Several days after that, she brought back the DVD. I opened the case to discover it looked like someone had used the DVD as a coaster.
"It looks like someone has used this DVD as a coaster!" I say.
"I don't know anything about that. It was like that when I got it," she explains.
I resist the urge to inform her that here at my store, we rarely use brand-new, shrinkwrapped DVDs as coasters, and then package them up and re-shrinkwrap them, just to annoy the customers.
She tells me that she would rather have a refund. She didn't really like the first few minutes that she did see.
I resist the urge to inform her that I would have given her a refund, no questions asked. She wasn't required to use the DVD as a coaster first.
She decided to look at the books.
I kept a close eye on her.
She turned to me, seeming confused. She couldn't find a book. Yes, *the* book.
I raised one eyebrow. It must have been pretty high, because I didn't even need to open my mouth.
"Well, you know," she said. I did not know. Fortunately, she continued. "I just thought that since I'd been asking about it so much you would have brought it in."
"Not unless you order it, pay for it, send a carrier piegon with a note about it, or give me SOME kind of indication that you want me to do that for you. I COULD do that for you, if you want," I say, noting that this is the third time I have offered to do this.
She declined again. If it wasn't here, right now, she didn't want it.
We debated ordering in a copy of the book, or telling her the next time she came in that we HAD ordered one, but someone had bought it just the day before.
We decided the second one would be more fun.
For once, I can't WAIT for a customer to be back!
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