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*Dusts self off*
So it's been awhile since I had a full-blown update, but I think it'll be worth the wait. Most of these are from before I took a leave of absence, but the mental pain still lingers.
Ripoff!
SW: You people are charging me for a phone that I sent back to you! So you need to take that fee off my account!
ME: Well, I see we sent you a replacement phone in August, but you never sent back the defective phone.
SW: Yes I did! I put it back in the box and sent it back!
ME: Did you use the pre-paid UPS shipping label we included with the phone?
SW: Yes I did! I put the label on it and I took it to the post office. Now you are sending me a letter that I have to pay $280 for this phone that I sent back? You are ripping me off!
ME: Wait. You said you took the phone to the post office?
SW: Yes.
ME: The pre-paid shipping label to return the phone was for UPS. The instructions with the replacement phone clearly state to return it through any UPS store or drop-box.
SW: So I return it to the post office, no big deal. They should be able to mail it to you.
ME: Actually, they can't. They can only send it if it's paid postage through US mail.
SW: Then why you not call me and let me know?
ME: Because we don't know where it is.
SW: Then why not the post office call me and say they have my package?
ME: Because it's not their responsibility to.
SW: So they are just going to keep it there and you are going to charge me? You are telling me this is okay with you?
ME: It is the responsibility of the sender to ensure they are using the proper postage and shipment type to send a package.
SW: So you call the post office, you tell them.
ME: I can't do that, because that's not my responsibility either.
SW: So you are ripping me off!
ME: No, I'm not. You still have time to send the phone back to us and avoid the fee. You need to go to the post office and-
SW: That is too much hassle!
ME: Then you will be charged the fee.
SW: You are ripping me off!
ME: No, I'm not. I'm trying to help you so you don't have to pay the $280 fee.
SW: Then what am I supposed to do?
ME: You need to go to the post office and talk to the Postmaster. They will have the package in the Dead Mail Office.
SW: You expect me to drive all around looking for this "Postmaster" person?
ME: No, you only have to go to the post office.
SW: How do I know which one it is?
ME: Do you remember which post office you took it to?
SW: Yes.
ME: Then go there. And ask about the package. The Postmaster will get it for you.
SW: I don't believe this. You are ripping me off.
ME: Actually, ma'am, in a sense, you are ripping us off.
SW: What do you mean?
ME: Well, we sent you a phone as an even exchange for the phone that's not working. If you don't send it back to us, we'll need to order another one from the manufacturer. And that costs us $280.
SW: I want to speak to a supervisor!
A few minutes later....
SUP: Kara, did you really tell this woman she's ripping us off?
ME: See, here's what you have to understand about this lady...
SUP: *Laughs* Oh God, you did.
Yeah, QA was completely finished for the month when I took this call. That means no one was going to be listening/recording. So yeah, when you try to shift the blame to me because you couldn't follow clearly printed instructions (with pictures showing a guy putting the box in a UPS drop box), then yes, I am going to call you on it. My SUP wasn't mad, she said I was right
Ho Ho Ho
Mr Ho called in. One of the things we get scored on is using the customer's name throughout the call. I probably set a record. Yes, I'm that immature.
Gimme a W! Gimme a T! Gimme an F!
SM: Does losing my phone affect my minutes?
ME: .... Well, I, uh, see here that you called yesterday and had your line suspended, so you won't have to worry about any usage.
SM: What did I call for yesterday?
ME: You... uh.... you called multiple times yesterday. Is there something specific you're looking for?
SM: So everything is still the same? I just want to make sure.
ME: Um.... yeeeaaah.
SM: Okay, good. Well, I just wanted to call and let you know that I lost my phone yesterday and called in 3 times to say I lost it. Thanks!
ME: ???????
I'd say pass the brain bleach, but I think this guy already used it all.
I Always Get the Winners
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SW: Blah Blah Blahblahton
ME: And your mobile number please?
SW: No it's not.
Judges? Oh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. But we have do some lovely parting gifts, including a lifetime supply of shame and ridicule. You'll also receive the home version of the game, so you can re-live your monumental failure any time, right from the comfort of your cheeto-encrusted sofa.
The Untouchable
There's a cinnamon roll on a plate covered in plastic wrap at the biological research center we call a cafeteria. It's been there since Friday. Today, the previous price of $.50 has been crossed out and it is now $1.25. So it would seem that once the cinnamon rolls become self-aware they have to raise the price. I honestly don't know whether to be horrified or awed.
Sigh
SW: How can this be an upgrade? The number is lower!
So by your logic, the crappy old brick phones of the early days of cell phones like the Nokia 5100 series or the Motorola 8000 series were years ahead of their time.
Why Yes, Wafflecones ARE Awesome
SM: How much would it be to cancel my service?
ME: Well, you have 4 lines under contract, and there would be a fee per line, so $XXX.
SM: F***ing cell phones! Big F***ing ripoff! S*** f***ing damn f***ing CELL PHONES! F***ing companies and their f***ing ripoffs and f***ing the customer all the f***ing time. F***! *click*
Um... okay. That was the most random tirade I think I've ever heard. Like, the guy was completely normal up to that point.
On Parenting
SW: Why is my bill so high?
ME: I see your second line had several ringtone downloads last month.
SW: That is my daughter's line. I told her not to download anything, could you just take those charges off?
ME: No, I'm afraid not. She did get a message that she would be charged for accepting the content, and if she agreed then the charges would be billed.
SW: But she is not the one paying the bill!
ME: I see. And how old is she?
SW: 17.
ME: Then I assume she has a job so she could pay for her part of the bill.
SW: She won't get a job.
ME: Then perhaps you should consider having some means of her paying you back for charges she incurs.
SW: Look, just.... just take the charges off.
ME: As I said, those are valid charges and cannot be removed.
SW: Then what can you do to keep her from downloading?
ME: There's nothing that I can do to stop her.
SW: Why not?
ME: Because I am not her parent. You are.
SW: What am I supposed to do?
ME: Well, "no" is an effective parenting tool
SW: She's in school! I can't watch her 24 hours a day!
ME: Then perhaps there should be consequences if she does not do as you ask. We can suspend the phone temporarily.
SW: But... she needs it!
Okay, I'm done. I have kids of my own, I don't need to be taking care of yours too. If you haven't figured it out after 17 years of being a mom, then you and your daughter are beyond all help anyone could provide. So send her forth into the world to breed a new generation of irresponsible, unaccountable, thankless idiots to expect everything be handed to them. And some day, your kids will call my kids "boss." Or "Master," if I've taken over the world by then.
It Just Doesn't Click
SM: Yeah, my keys don't "click" anymore.
ME: I'm sorry?
SM: When I press my buttons, the don't "click."
ME: Are they still responding correctly?
SM: Yeah, but they don't "click."
ME: Well, as long as they are responsive, you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
SM: Oh, okay. I just thought I'd call in before I took it apart and cleaned it.
ME: I wouldn't recommend that.
SM: I was just going to clean it.
ME: But opening the phone will void the manufacturer's warranty. So if you have any problems later, there won't be anything we can do.
SM: Oh. So..... you're saying I can't do that?
ME: I won't say you can't do it, but I would strongly advise not attempting to open the phone unless you are a manufacterer-certified technician.
SM: Huh. So......
Yeah, you know what? Go for it. Might I suggest using some Mr Clean? Spray some Febreeze in there to, gotta make sure those fragile circuit boards smell fresh.
Stupid
SM: I've been a customer since before you were born!
I don't get what you're driving at. Either you think we've been around for over 25 years (we haven't), or you are suggesting that my company utilizes child labour (we don't). I think what is more likely is that you have been a customer. Not of our service, but just that you have a history of being a customer for various companies, businesses, establishments, and so forth. Which means absolutely nothing to me.
Silence of the Customer Care Reps
DLR: I have a customer in the store who wants to change her plan.
ME: Sure, no problem. Could I have our customer's password?
DLR: Hold on. It wants your password.
ME:
DLR: It's asking for your password.
It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.
So it's been awhile since I had a full-blown update, but I think it'll be worth the wait. Most of these are from before I took a leave of absence, but the mental pain still lingers.
Ripoff!
SW: You people are charging me for a phone that I sent back to you! So you need to take that fee off my account!
ME: Well, I see we sent you a replacement phone in August, but you never sent back the defective phone.
SW: Yes I did! I put it back in the box and sent it back!
ME: Did you use the pre-paid UPS shipping label we included with the phone?
SW: Yes I did! I put the label on it and I took it to the post office. Now you are sending me a letter that I have to pay $280 for this phone that I sent back? You are ripping me off!
ME: Wait. You said you took the phone to the post office?
SW: Yes.
ME: The pre-paid shipping label to return the phone was for UPS. The instructions with the replacement phone clearly state to return it through any UPS store or drop-box.
SW: So I return it to the post office, no big deal. They should be able to mail it to you.
ME: Actually, they can't. They can only send it if it's paid postage through US mail.
SW: Then why you not call me and let me know?
ME: Because we don't know where it is.
SW: Then why not the post office call me and say they have my package?
ME: Because it's not their responsibility to.
SW: So they are just going to keep it there and you are going to charge me? You are telling me this is okay with you?
ME: It is the responsibility of the sender to ensure they are using the proper postage and shipment type to send a package.
SW: So you call the post office, you tell them.
ME: I can't do that, because that's not my responsibility either.
SW: So you are ripping me off!
ME: No, I'm not. You still have time to send the phone back to us and avoid the fee. You need to go to the post office and-
SW: That is too much hassle!
ME: Then you will be charged the fee.
SW: You are ripping me off!
ME: No, I'm not. I'm trying to help you so you don't have to pay the $280 fee.
SW: Then what am I supposed to do?
ME: You need to go to the post office and talk to the Postmaster. They will have the package in the Dead Mail Office.
SW: You expect me to drive all around looking for this "Postmaster" person?
ME: No, you only have to go to the post office.
SW: How do I know which one it is?
ME: Do you remember which post office you took it to?
SW: Yes.
ME: Then go there. And ask about the package. The Postmaster will get it for you.
SW: I don't believe this. You are ripping me off.
ME: Actually, ma'am, in a sense, you are ripping us off.
SW: What do you mean?
ME: Well, we sent you a phone as an even exchange for the phone that's not working. If you don't send it back to us, we'll need to order another one from the manufacturer. And that costs us $280.
SW: I want to speak to a supervisor!
A few minutes later....
SUP: Kara, did you really tell this woman she's ripping us off?
ME: See, here's what you have to understand about this lady...
SUP: *Laughs* Oh God, you did.
Yeah, QA was completely finished for the month when I took this call. That means no one was going to be listening/recording. So yeah, when you try to shift the blame to me because you couldn't follow clearly printed instructions (with pictures showing a guy putting the box in a UPS drop box), then yes, I am going to call you on it. My SUP wasn't mad, she said I was right
Ho Ho Ho
Mr Ho called in. One of the things we get scored on is using the customer's name throughout the call. I probably set a record. Yes, I'm that immature.
Gimme a W! Gimme a T! Gimme an F!
SM: Does losing my phone affect my minutes?
ME: .... Well, I, uh, see here that you called yesterday and had your line suspended, so you won't have to worry about any usage.
SM: What did I call for yesterday?
ME: You... uh.... you called multiple times yesterday. Is there something specific you're looking for?
SM: So everything is still the same? I just want to make sure.
ME: Um.... yeeeaaah.
SM: Okay, good. Well, I just wanted to call and let you know that I lost my phone yesterday and called in 3 times to say I lost it. Thanks!
ME: ???????
I'd say pass the brain bleach, but I think this guy already used it all.
I Always Get the Winners
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SW: Blah Blah Blahblahton
ME: And your mobile number please?
SW: No it's not.
Judges? Oh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. But we have do some lovely parting gifts, including a lifetime supply of shame and ridicule. You'll also receive the home version of the game, so you can re-live your monumental failure any time, right from the comfort of your cheeto-encrusted sofa.
The Untouchable
There's a cinnamon roll on a plate covered in plastic wrap at the biological research center we call a cafeteria. It's been there since Friday. Today, the previous price of $.50 has been crossed out and it is now $1.25. So it would seem that once the cinnamon rolls become self-aware they have to raise the price. I honestly don't know whether to be horrified or awed.
Sigh
SW: How can this be an upgrade? The number is lower!
So by your logic, the crappy old brick phones of the early days of cell phones like the Nokia 5100 series or the Motorola 8000 series were years ahead of their time.
Why Yes, Wafflecones ARE Awesome
SM: How much would it be to cancel my service?
ME: Well, you have 4 lines under contract, and there would be a fee per line, so $XXX.
SM: F***ing cell phones! Big F***ing ripoff! S*** f***ing damn f***ing CELL PHONES! F***ing companies and their f***ing ripoffs and f***ing the customer all the f***ing time. F***! *click*
Um... okay. That was the most random tirade I think I've ever heard. Like, the guy was completely normal up to that point.
On Parenting
SW: Why is my bill so high?
ME: I see your second line had several ringtone downloads last month.
SW: That is my daughter's line. I told her not to download anything, could you just take those charges off?
ME: No, I'm afraid not. She did get a message that she would be charged for accepting the content, and if she agreed then the charges would be billed.
SW: But she is not the one paying the bill!
ME: I see. And how old is she?
SW: 17.
ME: Then I assume she has a job so she could pay for her part of the bill.
SW: She won't get a job.
ME: Then perhaps you should consider having some means of her paying you back for charges she incurs.
SW: Look, just.... just take the charges off.
ME: As I said, those are valid charges and cannot be removed.
SW: Then what can you do to keep her from downloading?
ME: There's nothing that I can do to stop her.
SW: Why not?
ME: Because I am not her parent. You are.
SW: What am I supposed to do?
ME: Well, "no" is an effective parenting tool
SW: She's in school! I can't watch her 24 hours a day!
ME: Then perhaps there should be consequences if she does not do as you ask. We can suspend the phone temporarily.
SW: But... she needs it!
Okay, I'm done. I have kids of my own, I don't need to be taking care of yours too. If you haven't figured it out after 17 years of being a mom, then you and your daughter are beyond all help anyone could provide. So send her forth into the world to breed a new generation of irresponsible, unaccountable, thankless idiots to expect everything be handed to them. And some day, your kids will call my kids "boss." Or "Master," if I've taken over the world by then.
It Just Doesn't Click
SM: Yeah, my keys don't "click" anymore.
ME: I'm sorry?
SM: When I press my buttons, the don't "click."
ME: Are they still responding correctly?
SM: Yeah, but they don't "click."
ME: Well, as long as they are responsive, you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
SM: Oh, okay. I just thought I'd call in before I took it apart and cleaned it.
ME: I wouldn't recommend that.
SM: I was just going to clean it.
ME: But opening the phone will void the manufacturer's warranty. So if you have any problems later, there won't be anything we can do.
SM: Oh. So..... you're saying I can't do that?
ME: I won't say you can't do it, but I would strongly advise not attempting to open the phone unless you are a manufacterer-certified technician.
SM: Huh. So......
Yeah, you know what? Go for it. Might I suggest using some Mr Clean? Spray some Febreeze in there to, gotta make sure those fragile circuit boards smell fresh.
Stupid
SM: I've been a customer since before you were born!
I don't get what you're driving at. Either you think we've been around for over 25 years (we haven't), or you are suggesting that my company utilizes child labour (we don't). I think what is more likely is that you have been a customer. Not of our service, but just that you have a history of being a customer for various companies, businesses, establishments, and so forth. Which means absolutely nothing to me.
Silence of the Customer Care Reps
DLR: I have a customer in the store who wants to change her plan.
ME: Sure, no problem. Could I have our customer's password?
DLR: Hold on. It wants your password.
ME:
DLR: It's asking for your password.
It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.
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