Jester's Restaurant Guide!

[Jester]

There have been a few threads lately that are sarcastic checklists for how SCs "should" behave in various consumer environments, giving them "guides" on how to be true SCs.

I would like to offer my Restaurant Guide to SCs, but it will not be sarcastic, despite my love for that form of humor. It will be simple, to the point, and what I believe.

I would like to note that this is not directed at customers, good, great, or just even there, but at the true SCs that we deal with in the food service industry, the ones that make us question why we do what we do. So please, no one assume that this is how I feel about all or even most of my customers, it is merely directed at the rusty fucktrombones we deal with, not that often, but more often than we would like.

So, without further adieu, may I present for your entertainment and enlightenment Jester's Guide to Restaurant Behavior for SCs:

1. Come in.
2. Shut up.
3. Have the hostess seat you.
4. Decide on your drinks.
5. Order your drinks.
6. Shut up.
7. Read your menus.
8. Decide on your food.
9. Allow me to put your drinks down.
10. Shut up.
11. Control your kids.
--11A. They should shut up too, come to think of it.
--11B. And keep them from running around out of control. This is a restaurant, not a playground.
--11C. Crayons are for coloring on the PAPER, not on the TABLE or anything else. You should teach them this, especially if they already over the age of 6.
12. Order your meal.
--12A. Know what the hell you are ordering.
--12B. Be polite.
--12C. Speak clearly, concisely, and directly to me.
13. Give me the menus.
14. Shut up. Discipline your kids if they don't shut up and behave themselves.
15. Allow me to place your food on the table.
16. Shut up.
17. Eat.
18. Allow me to clear the table.
19. Shut up.
20. Pay the bill. Have the payment ready at some point within a reasonable amount of time. Impatiently asking for the bill and then ignoring it while it sits on the table for 20 minutes is NOT a reasonable amount of time.
21. Tip generously. A minimum of 30%. Yes, normal is 15-20% for the fine service I provide. Your minimum is based upon all the crap I have had to take from you over the years. Actually, come to think of it, your minimum is 40%. More if your kids are as annoying as you.
22. Shut up.
23. Get out.
24. Shut up.
25. Stay away. Don't come back until you have learned how to behave like reasonable, polite, well-mannered, nice, social human beings.
26.


For those of you that are thinking that I am being unusually harsh here, here is my checklist for GOOD customers, or even decent customers:

1. Come in.
2. Have the hostess seat you.
3. Have fun while you decide on your drinks. Feel free to ask questions.
4. Order your drinks. I'll be right back with them.
5. Feel free to ask more questions about the food when I bring your drinks back. Joke with me if you are of the mind. Or not. No biggie.
6. Order your meals.
7. Enjoy your time together with your friends/family while our kitchen cooks your meals. Feel free to joke or banter with me if you feel like it, or not if you prefer.
8. Allow me to happily put your meals on your table.
9. Enjoy your meals.
10. Allow me to get those pesky dirty dishes out of your way.
11. Order dessert if you desire. I highly recommend our desserts, and think you'll love them.
12. Pay the bill at your convenience.
13. Tip me what you feel is appropriate. I leave it to your discretion and trust your judgment.
14. Enjoy your day, and please, come back and see us again soon.
15.

[DesignFox]

I particularly enjoy rule 11 and 11a.

Few things ruin a nice dinner out as much as some horrible little urchin screeching uncontrollably from the table next to you (or banging on the table...or banging on their plate...or shaking the booth...or leaning over and shouting at you...) *shudder*

Hunny and I went to Ghetto Tuesday's one evening at 10pm. 10 PM and had to deal with not one, but TWO toddlers doing those very things...and one set of parents was even ENCOURAGING this behavior!

Don't parents put their kids to bed, anymore?

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I'm only responding because I love that smiley.

[zzapp the witch]

Single mom here with 3 kids (8, 6 and 4) who are complete hellions at home. The oldest and youngest have birthdays less than a week apart, and I had promised a b-day dinner. My date canceled, so I'm going it alone in a restaurant for the first time.

The end must be upon us, for they were complete angels. We're talking napkins in laps, using utensils correctly (on pasta even!), passing condiments, we're talking little adults here. They were so good in fact that the waitresses brought out b-day ice cream for them gratis (right word?) because they were the best behaved children any of them had ever had in there!

I have nothing to fear from your rules, for they do not apply to me. I am a civilised human being who can behave herself quite well within your boundaries.

And I can imagine the pigs you have to put up with. /shudder

[GolfCart34]

Can I add a rule? This one is for all of those super trendy family dining chain restaurants (i.e. Olive Garden, Applebees, etc.). Heck, it could even apply to local places that are super popular.

*Don't go there on a busy night then complain that you have to wait over an hour for a table.

If I go to a restaurant like that, I fully expect to wait for a seat most of the time. My mom's bf tends to be a sc, as well as my ex's dad, and both of them would complain about having to wait for a table when there is clearly a line of people who were there before them (hence the reason for writing this, because it bugs the crap out of me when they complain). My ex's dad even tried to bribe the host with $20 one time. The host took the $20 and thanked him for it, but told him that it wasn't going to magically push him to the top of the list.

[BookstoreEscapee]

I'm only responding because I love that smiley.

Me too...that's my favorite "rule"

[Amethyst Hunter]

Nice lists, Jester. I particularly like Rules #2, 6, 10, 11A, 14, 16, 19, and just about all of the 20s on the SC list.

[delorean623]

From having worked in a restaurant before... I have to totally agree!
My minimum is 30% tip.... Tonight the service was pretty good (not the best I've seen, but good) so I left 35% on a $37 meal.
It was one of the first times dining in this town that I haven't run into the small kids! Amazing. And very nice.
I'm of the opinion that people shouldn't be allowed to eat at a restaurant until they've worked in one.

[Jester]

Few things ruin a nice dinner out as much as some horrible little urchin screeching uncontrollably from the table next to you (or banging on the table...or banging on their plate...or shaking the booth...or leaning over and shouting at you...) *shudder*

Hunny and I went to Ghetto Tuesday's one evening at 10pm. 10 PM and had to deal with not one, but TWO toddlers doing those very things...

Honestly, when it's toddlers, it is annoying, but it is not that hair-pullingly exasperating. After all, they're toddlers, and they really don't know better. It is far worse to me when it is kids 5 and up, who not only should know better, but if they don't know better, or know better but aren't behaving, are not being disciplined or corrected by their parents, who don't give two flying figs.

I have nothing to fear from your rules, for they do not apply to me. I am a civilised human being who can behave herself quite well within your boundaries.

And I can imagine the pigs you have to put up with. /shudder

No, you don't. Please see the second set of rules. Those are for you, and the majority of the people I deal with. Yes, I deal with pigs, but they really are the minority, not the majority.

Can I add a rule?

*Don't go there on a busy night then complain that you have to wait over an hour for a table.

We don't need that new rule, as it is covered already. Please see rules 2, 6, 10, 11A, 14, 16, 19, 22, and 24. Those rules pretty much cover rude people who complain unnecessarily or illogically, don't you think?

[hawkchick11]

I try to get my 17 month old to behave in a restaurant, but sometimes he just wants to use the table as a drum.

I'm sure its annoying, but would you rather hear him hit the table or scream his head off? I'd take the table drumming.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

*Don't go there on a busy night then complain that you have to wait over an hour for a table. If I go to a restaurant like that, I fully expect to wait for a seat most of the time.

This really depends on where the person is from. Not the complaining part, but the waiting for a table part. My Mother lives in rural Montana. She came to visit me in Santa Fe once, which has an incredible restaurant scene. I took her to one of my favorite restaurants, and it was very busy. She was shocked that people would wait for half an hour hour just to get seated and wanted to go somewhere else, so we left.

Later I had some aunts, uncles and cousins come to visit. I took them to another great restaurant on Sunday morning which was famous for its New Mexican style breakfasts. When we got there there was a line out the door, and I remembered my Mother's reaction and apologized to them, offering to take them somewhere else. My cousin Kelly exclaimed "Wow! there's over an hour wait! This place must be GREAT!" And they waited happily until we were seated.

Of course, none of my relatives would ever complain or try to bribe the hostess (A- I'm not the only one who works in customer service and B- I'd MURDER them if they ever did anything like that and believe me, they know it)
but some people really are surprised that restaurants get that busy.

[monolayth]

my kids are very well behaved. they know that stuff does not fly at home and definatly will not fly outside of home. i have put them in the corner at a store. for some reason simple diciplining of children seems to be a froegin concept to people when they are outside of their homes.

[Emrld]

I understand the concept of it being a family dining establishment.
I have learned that if I go earlier - say 5/6pm the children that are dining at that time tend to behave like little adults. It is the ones in the resturant at 8/9 pm having dinner that don't know how to behave. (yes, broad generalization here . . . not always the case . . .just tends to be)
Have to wonder if this has anything to do with Parenting as a Verb? You know kids that eat earlier, spend time with their Parents taking an interest in them, going to bed at a decent hour . . .tend to be better behaved. (vs kid who eat late, Parents spend very little time and a lot of money with/on them and go to bed after 10 on a school night)

[DesignFox]

Emrld, I have to wonder if you are right.

We took my brother out to dinner for his birthday last weekend. It was during the normal "family" dinner period. There were two toddlers with different families in the same very small room as us. While they occasionally said something loudly, they were not annoying. They did not bang on the table. They did not shake the tables. Nor did they scream or cry. The parents brought entertainment for them and they were perfectly well behaved.

I dunno.

I think my main beef is the parents who do nothing to interact with their children (of whatever age) and just let them be a disruption.
_____________

I sympathize also with those of you who deal with the "wait time" SCs. I witnessed some horrible variety of them in PA about a month ago. These grumpfests were giving the poor hostess such a hard time. Leafing through the seating chart, asking her when they were being seated every 5 mins, bitching that they saw an empty table and "why aren't you seating anyone there" etc. Once they finally GOT seated, the morons continued to complain to the poor waitress! (we left our waitress a hefty tip that night- we figured she was probably getting stiffed by the assclowns next to us)

*sigh*

I purposely try to avoid "normal" eating times- less people to deal with that way, and in theory- less sucky ones.

[cinema guy]

I have learned that if I go earlier - say 5/6pm the children that are dining at that time tend to behave like little adults. It is the ones in the resturant at 8/9 pm having dinner that don't know how to behave.

My mom, a infants school teacher, firmly believes that tiredness is a big factor in children misbehaving and their attention span.