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...but pretty close. Work has sucked on such an epic level the last two weeks or so that I haven't even felt like writing ( But thats a different rant post entirely ). Plus the furnace is out at my place and the landlord can't get the service guy to come till Monday so we all get to freeze for the weekend. So no, tis not been a good two weeks.....but alas, I shall attempt to amuse. I apologize if I am not up to snuff currently. -.-
Nunavut Apparently has a Princess
SC: "I returned something a week ago and nothing has been credited back to my Mastercard!"
Me: "Alright, well, unfortunately you may have to speak with customer service during business hours. We're only at 4am right now."
SC: "Yeah, ok, whatever."
I'm sorry that the basic tenants of time itself are interfering with the displeased rejection of your pink camo baby tee, Princess. Sadly, while I am capable of many things, accelerating the rotation of the Earth is not one of them. You will have to plant your pampered little arse down on the her majesty's nearest approved cushion and bleach your tiny little rat dog's roots to pass the time until someone arrives at the office who actually gives a flying fuck head first off the rear car deck of a beached ferry into the dangerously shallow frigid waters of the pacific about your problem.
The Deal of a Lifetime
Caller indicated he purchased pay as you go cell phone at a dealer. Caller loaded $100 worth of minutes on cell phone. Caller used up $100 of minutes inside of 2 months and now does not understand why he has to keep paying money to make his phone work. Yes, that’s right, caller seems to be under the impression that $100 buys you a lifetime of infinite cell phone time. Caller was all but impervious to my attempts to explain why thats completely farkin' ludicrous.
Also, caller sounds like he could be his own dad.
Kara.....
....my dear, sweet sister. Keep your customers the hell away from me. ><
Caller calls wrong number. Caller demands right number to <Kara's Company>. Caller is offended on a level I cannot even comprehend when I inform her I do not have the right number. Caller appears to equate this injustice on the same level as if I had kicked in the door of her church, stomped up to the podium and proceeded the beat a puppy with the Bible midway through morning mass.
When caller's insane needs are not met, caller demands to speak to my supervisor. I cover my mic to laugh bitterly. Caller is informed I AM the supervisor and thus she is SOL. Caller demands to speak with another operator. I assure caller no other operator will have the information she seeks so I will not transfer her. Caller demands to speak with the manager. Caller is informed I am as high up the food chain as she will get. Caller gnaws on phone receiver in blind rage for a few moments then rants about how there must be SOMEONE above me and she wants to speak with them RIGHT THE FUCK NOW even if I have to get the boss, owner, etc.
I inform caller that while the company does indeed have such persons, none of them are in the office at 3 in the god damn morning. Caller finally exhausts whatever dark power fuels her borderline delulsional self-importance and slams the phone down. Presumably to go devour the soul of a new born kitten to replenish herself.
All of this over a friggan wrong number she could have looked up in the phone book or called 411 for 20 times over in the amount of time she spent yelling at me.
Side Business
Asked caller for his email. He informed me it was "FireGirl69@". Mmmmkay…someone's running a website and it costs $9.99 a month for membership.
Finally we agree!
( This is a tech picking up a case )
Me: "Ok, the call is from the <such and such store> in Toronto."
SC: "I knew it had to be them! They're retards."
You, I like. Please continue.
Dial "Y" for YES YES YES~
Me: "Good morning, <company> help desk."
SC: "Good morning."
Me: "Hi, what can I do for you?"
SC: "Hello......is this a person?"
Me: "…yes"
Why, do you normally strike up conversation with automated phone systems? Are you disappointed I'm a real person? I'm not sure what sort of dirty talk session you had planned out for you and your souless automated love recording but I'm truly sorry I interrupted. If you like I can put you on hold and you can touch yourself inappropriately to the periodic "Please remain on the line, an operator will be with you shortly.". I know its not as hot and sexy as "Press 1 for English" but its all I can offer at this point.
867
Me: "Ok, and what's your address?"
SC: "Yes, I do."
....what? But...the hell are you....argh. I didn't know you could actually pass a brain fart mid game. Damn you.
Musical Mash-up
So the guy behind me on the Skytrain was listening to Nine Inch Nails far far too loud on his iPod. On the song "Closer" no less. Loud enough for me to distinguish lyrics. Which are rather delightful for that particular song. Then the guy in front of me made the Star Wars Imperial March his selection for a ring tone. Good choice, btw. However, when his phone rang I experienced 7 seconds of the most disturbing musical mash up I have ever heard in my life.
Welcome
On Call Tech: "Thank you so much."
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? What? You mean you're not happy with being woken up at 3am to partake in complicated technical support cases? Well, tough luck fuckbat. This is what they pay you for and they pay you more then me. So get yer arse out of bed and fix it. If I have to be awake, so do you.
Isn't that cute....BUT ITS WRONG
( This number is 1 off from a cab so we get wrong numbers all night. )
SC: "Do you know the number for the cab?"
Me: "Yes, its xxx-xxxx."
SC: "Do you know a number for another cab company?"
Me: "That’s the only one I have, sorry."
SC: "You don't know any other cab numbers?! WTF?!"
Um, no. Keep in mind you dialed the wrong number to begin with and I, out of what goodness remains in my black, bitter heart, was offering you the correct number. Seeing as it was the number you attempted to dial to begin with why is it suddenly not good enough for you? Or did you seriously dial our number originally? Meaning you had intended to attempt to wrangle information on cab numbers from a pizza company's corporate office. I'm not sure what inspired such a plan ( Drugs, alchohol, dropped on head as child, etc ) but I can point out one or two flaws you may wish to address for next time.
You Do Whatever you Have to Do
Caller ranted for several minutes before finally yelling something about he may as well just throw himself off a bridge if he can't get his system working. But by that point he had already exhausted what little sympathy I keep in reserve. So, really, whatever ends this call faster to be honest. You do whatever you have to do. I'll be right here behind you, cheering you on. Heck, see if you can get in a backflip or something. Make it impressive. But wait till I get a camera so you can make the nightly news reel and if you're really lucky, a Fark headline.
Sometimes I Hate Clients Too
( This client never, ever returns calls for tech support. EVER. Its been driving us batty for weeks. )
I love having the "There is Jack and squat I can do for you and Jack was beaten unconscious and shoved in a packing crate on a boat to Taiwan" conversation with people on <client name>'s "Support Center" on a daily basis. It really brightens my day.
867
( It comes in black or navy, fyi )
Me: "Alright and what colour would you like?"
SC: "Black navy! Uh…black and navy! Uh….uh…..b!....c!"
Me: "……"
SC: "b and c! uh….black navy!"
Me: "….you want one of each?"
SC: "YEAH~@!"
I figured I may as well throw her a rope. As entertaining as it is to sit here and watch her flail wildly in an ocean of failure it slowly dawned on me I couldn't leave the pier until she either drowned or swam ashore and while I do look forward to the former outcome I don't have that kind of patience.
867
SC: "Ya, they told meh ta call back bout' mah order?"
They did, did they? When did they tell you that? Because I'm pretty sure they didn't tell you it at 1:14 in the friggan morning.
...Kara....
SC: "The machine didn't print me no receipt!#~@"
Me: "Alright, well unfortunately I can't pull up the receipt information afterhours but-"
SC: "WHACHU MEAN YOU CAN'T!? Dis is ridiculous!~ Ya'll stealin' ma money!$@"
Me: "-I can have a tech trace it first thing in the morning and give you a call with the information."
SC: "Oh lawd! I can't go till mornin' without ma cell phone!! WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT NOW!~#"
Me: "Well-"
SC: "Oh, wait. It did print a receipt. Nevermind. <click>"
Really...and I sincerely mean this from the bottom of my heart, if you could find it somewhere in your soul to get yourself punched in the throat by a gorilla within the next 24 hours it would mean so very much to me.
My Name Is Joe.....
SC: "Do you have men's cashmere hats?"
Me: "We really only carry one style of hat and its more of a toque then a hat."
SC: "A wha?"
Me: "A toque"
SC: "A tube? Huh?"
Me: "Like a cap you pull down over your head in the winter? A toque?"
SC: "Uh….okaaaay...."
Well…that was painfully Canadian.
867
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "……."
Me: "……."
SC: "….uh....A…."
Me: "….."
SC: "ummm…Q….."
...this is not a promising start....in fact you could almost call this foreshadowing.
Me: "Ok, and what size would you like?"
SC: "….uh………um……..Shadey?"
Me: "Yes….but what size would you like?"
SC: "….um……white?"
Me: "Alright, but what size would you like?
S: "….uh…..um....er.....size....."
Come on, Skippy. Process of elimination. Keep going. You can do it. Not like there's much left on the page you haven't tried. Just keep spouting off random words next to the picture and you'll hit it.
"….um…..uh....medium?"
Bingo! There you go! Have a cupcake. Don't choke.
Nunavut Apparently has a Princess
SC: "I returned something a week ago and nothing has been credited back to my Mastercard!"
Me: "Alright, well, unfortunately you may have to speak with customer service during business hours. We're only at 4am right now."
SC: "Yeah, ok, whatever."
I'm sorry that the basic tenants of time itself are interfering with the displeased rejection of your pink camo baby tee, Princess. Sadly, while I am capable of many things, accelerating the rotation of the Earth is not one of them. You will have to plant your pampered little arse down on the her majesty's nearest approved cushion and bleach your tiny little rat dog's roots to pass the time until someone arrives at the office who actually gives a flying fuck head first off the rear car deck of a beached ferry into the dangerously shallow frigid waters of the pacific about your problem.
The Deal of a Lifetime
Caller indicated he purchased pay as you go cell phone at a dealer. Caller loaded $100 worth of minutes on cell phone. Caller used up $100 of minutes inside of 2 months and now does not understand why he has to keep paying money to make his phone work. Yes, that’s right, caller seems to be under the impression that $100 buys you a lifetime of infinite cell phone time. Caller was all but impervious to my attempts to explain why thats completely farkin' ludicrous.
Also, caller sounds like he could be his own dad.
Kara.....
....my dear, sweet sister. Keep your customers the hell away from me. ><
Caller calls wrong number. Caller demands right number to <Kara's Company>. Caller is offended on a level I cannot even comprehend when I inform her I do not have the right number. Caller appears to equate this injustice on the same level as if I had kicked in the door of her church, stomped up to the podium and proceeded the beat a puppy with the Bible midway through morning mass.
When caller's insane needs are not met, caller demands to speak to my supervisor. I cover my mic to laugh bitterly. Caller is informed I AM the supervisor and thus she is SOL. Caller demands to speak with another operator. I assure caller no other operator will have the information she seeks so I will not transfer her. Caller demands to speak with the manager. Caller is informed I am as high up the food chain as she will get. Caller gnaws on phone receiver in blind rage for a few moments then rants about how there must be SOMEONE above me and she wants to speak with them RIGHT THE FUCK NOW even if I have to get the boss, owner, etc.
I inform caller that while the company does indeed have such persons, none of them are in the office at 3 in the god damn morning. Caller finally exhausts whatever dark power fuels her borderline delulsional self-importance and slams the phone down. Presumably to go devour the soul of a new born kitten to replenish herself.
All of this over a friggan wrong number she could have looked up in the phone book or called 411 for 20 times over in the amount of time she spent yelling at me.
Side Business
Asked caller for his email. He informed me it was "FireGirl69@". Mmmmkay…someone's running a website and it costs $9.99 a month for membership.
Finally we agree!
( This is a tech picking up a case )
Me: "Ok, the call is from the <such and such store> in Toronto."
SC: "I knew it had to be them! They're retards."
You, I like. Please continue.
Dial "Y" for YES YES YES~
Me: "Good morning, <company> help desk."
SC: "Good morning."
Me: "Hi, what can I do for you?"
SC: "Hello......is this a person?"
Me: "…yes"
Why, do you normally strike up conversation with automated phone systems? Are you disappointed I'm a real person? I'm not sure what sort of dirty talk session you had planned out for you and your souless automated love recording but I'm truly sorry I interrupted. If you like I can put you on hold and you can touch yourself inappropriately to the periodic "Please remain on the line, an operator will be with you shortly.". I know its not as hot and sexy as "Press 1 for English" but its all I can offer at this point.
867
Me: "Ok, and what's your address?"
SC: "Yes, I do."
....what? But...the hell are you....argh. I didn't know you could actually pass a brain fart mid game. Damn you.
Musical Mash-up
So the guy behind me on the Skytrain was listening to Nine Inch Nails far far too loud on his iPod. On the song "Closer" no less. Loud enough for me to distinguish lyrics. Which are rather delightful for that particular song. Then the guy in front of me made the Star Wars Imperial March his selection for a ring tone. Good choice, btw. However, when his phone rang I experienced 7 seconds of the most disturbing musical mash up I have ever heard in my life.
Welcome
On Call Tech: "Thank you so much."
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? What? You mean you're not happy with being woken up at 3am to partake in complicated technical support cases? Well, tough luck fuckbat. This is what they pay you for and they pay you more then me. So get yer arse out of bed and fix it. If I have to be awake, so do you.
Isn't that cute....BUT ITS WRONG
( This number is 1 off from a cab so we get wrong numbers all night. )
SC: "Do you know the number for the cab?"
Me: "Yes, its xxx-xxxx."
SC: "Do you know a number for another cab company?"
Me: "That’s the only one I have, sorry."
SC: "You don't know any other cab numbers?! WTF?!"
Um, no. Keep in mind you dialed the wrong number to begin with and I, out of what goodness remains in my black, bitter heart, was offering you the correct number. Seeing as it was the number you attempted to dial to begin with why is it suddenly not good enough for you? Or did you seriously dial our number originally? Meaning you had intended to attempt to wrangle information on cab numbers from a pizza company's corporate office. I'm not sure what inspired such a plan ( Drugs, alchohol, dropped on head as child, etc ) but I can point out one or two flaws you may wish to address for next time.
You Do Whatever you Have to Do
Caller ranted for several minutes before finally yelling something about he may as well just throw himself off a bridge if he can't get his system working. But by that point he had already exhausted what little sympathy I keep in reserve. So, really, whatever ends this call faster to be honest. You do whatever you have to do. I'll be right here behind you, cheering you on. Heck, see if you can get in a backflip or something. Make it impressive. But wait till I get a camera so you can make the nightly news reel and if you're really lucky, a Fark headline.
Sometimes I Hate Clients Too
( This client never, ever returns calls for tech support. EVER. Its been driving us batty for weeks. )
I love having the "There is Jack and squat I can do for you and Jack was beaten unconscious and shoved in a packing crate on a boat to Taiwan" conversation with people on <client name>'s "Support Center" on a daily basis. It really brightens my day.
867
( It comes in black or navy, fyi )
Me: "Alright and what colour would you like?"
SC: "Black navy! Uh…black and navy! Uh….uh…..b!....c!"
Me: "……"
SC: "b and c! uh….black navy!"
Me: "….you want one of each?"
SC: "YEAH~@!"
I figured I may as well throw her a rope. As entertaining as it is to sit here and watch her flail wildly in an ocean of failure it slowly dawned on me I couldn't leave the pier until she either drowned or swam ashore and while I do look forward to the former outcome I don't have that kind of patience.
867
SC: "Ya, they told meh ta call back bout' mah order?"
They did, did they? When did they tell you that? Because I'm pretty sure they didn't tell you it at 1:14 in the friggan morning.
...Kara....
SC: "The machine didn't print me no receipt!#~@"
Me: "Alright, well unfortunately I can't pull up the receipt information afterhours but-"
SC: "WHACHU MEAN YOU CAN'T!? Dis is ridiculous!~ Ya'll stealin' ma money!$@"
Me: "-I can have a tech trace it first thing in the morning and give you a call with the information."
SC: "Oh lawd! I can't go till mornin' without ma cell phone!! WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT NOW!~#"
Me: "Well-"
SC: "Oh, wait. It did print a receipt. Nevermind. <click>"
Really...and I sincerely mean this from the bottom of my heart, if you could find it somewhere in your soul to get yourself punched in the throat by a gorilla within the next 24 hours it would mean so very much to me.
My Name Is Joe.....
SC: "Do you have men's cashmere hats?"
Me: "We really only carry one style of hat and its more of a toque then a hat."
SC: "A wha?"
Me: "A toque"
SC: "A tube? Huh?"
Me: "Like a cap you pull down over your head in the winter? A toque?"
SC: "Uh….okaaaay...."
Well…that was painfully Canadian.
867
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "……."
Me: "……."
SC: "….uh....A…."
Me: "….."
SC: "ummm…Q….."
...this is not a promising start....in fact you could almost call this foreshadowing.
Me: "Ok, and what size would you like?"
SC: "….uh………um……..Shadey?"
Me: "Yes….but what size would you like?"
SC: "….um……white?"
Me: "Alright, but what size would you like?
S: "….uh…..um....er.....size....."
Come on, Skippy. Process of elimination. Keep going. You can do it. Not like there's much left on the page you haven't tried. Just keep spouting off random words next to the picture and you'll hit it.
"….um…..uh....medium?"
Bingo! There you go! Have a cupcake. Don't choke.
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