Mail Order Mayhem (long and rambles a bit)

[Kittish]

Background: I work for a moderately well known mail order gourmet food company in the U.S. This company keeps their telephone lines open 24/7 (except Christmas day) and I work third shift several days each week. We occasionally get exceptionally strange calls in the wee hours of the morning.

One that come immediately to mind happened to me some time back, so I can't relay the conversation verbatim, but I'm sure you'll all get the gist of it.

Me: me, who else?
SC: Stupid customer
RA: Rudely Awakened Man- the maintainance guy for the apartment complex x lived in.
x: SC's friend

SC wanted a package sent to a friend of hers. Usually, this doesn't present any problem. However....

Me: What is x's address please?
SC: Corner of Main and Elm.
Me: I need the exact address please.
SC: That's it. Corner of Main and Elm.
Me: I need x's address as it would appear on mail sent to her.
SC: It's a small town, everyone knows where Main and Elm is.
Me: Maam, my computer won't accept corner of Main and Elm as a valid address, and neither will UPS. (Beginning to sense this is going to be a long call)
SC: That is the address!
****
We went round like this for at least 5 minutes, her insisting that 'corner of Main and Elm' was in fact the address, me trying to tell her that no, it couldn't be. Meanwhile, a coworker able to overhear my half of this conversation was beginning to have difficulty suppressing her giggles.
****
SC: I worked for the post office for over 20 years! I know what I'm talking about! (Boy, THAT sure explains a LOT!)
Me: Every physical address in the U.S. includes a street number. I need that street number for this address please.
SC: There isn't one!
Me: I'm sorry Maam, but without the exact street number and address, I won't be able to place this order for you.
SC: Hang on. (Noises in background of a call being made on a cell phone. Keep in mind it's a bit after 3 am at this point.)

SC: What's the address there?
RA: What?! Who is this?!
SC: SC, x's friend. I want to send her something and I need the address.
RA: You called at *pause* 3 AM?! to ask me for the @#$%^& address???
SC: Oh, were you sleeping?
****
At this point I almost lost it, the complete cluelessness of this woman was so monumentally unbelievable. Amazingly enough, the guy did give her the address, which she then relayed to me. Except....
****
Me: What is x's apartment number, please?
SC: Um... I don't know. Hang on. (Again, noises of a call being made on a cell phone)

RA: WHAT?!
SC: What's x's apartment number?
RA: *sustained profanity at considerable volume*
****
By this point, something like 15 or 20 minutes into the call, my coworker is almost literally falling out of her chair laughing at what she can overhear of this conversation. I'm torn between wanting to pull out my hair and falling over laughing myself. Eventually, the order did get placed, almost in spite of the monumental idiocy of the SC.
And relaying the other half of the call to my coworker sent her into helpless hysterics for almost half an hour after the call ended. We still giggle about it.
*******

One (hopefully former) customer of ours is quite literally psychotic. Her calls invariably START with her screaming abuse, accusing us of everything from stealing her stuff to pedophilia and everything in between. And when she does call, she calls again and again and again for hours on end, calling back within seconds when the current agent listening to her bilious rants gets tired of it and hangs up on her. The last round I was present for, I had her for the third or fourth time for the evening, and knew it was her before I rattled off my standard greeting because I could hear her muttering to herself before I said anything.

I couldn't resist. Instead of "Welcome to GourmetFoodCompany, this is me, are you calling to place an order?" I gave her "Seventh Circle of Hell, Beezelbub's office, how may I direct your call?" My coworker (the same one from above), who happened to be on a call herself at that moment, completely lost all composure on hearing that, and had to put her customer on hold to pull herself back together. I believe that's the first time the psycopath SC ever hung up on us. And she didn't call back again that night.
*******

Weird Questions: Trust me, there IS such a thing as a stupid question. As well as oddball and just outright goofy ones. We keep an unofficial list of weird questions people call and ask us. Off the top of my head, some of the contenders are:

"Do I have to take the products out of the package to cook them? I didn't and they tasted awful, like plastic." And I bet you don't take the paper off fast food burgers before you eat them either, do you?

"How do you cook hotdogs?" This from a senior citizen. I refuse to believe that anyone in the United States could live such a sheltered life that they could reach retirement age without learning how to cook hot dogs.

"Do boneless whatevers have any bones?"

"Do you carry pickled pig's feet? What about lamb's tongues?" Sad thing about this one is I think the guy was serious.

"Do I need to wash the steaks before I cook them?"

"Can you deliver a package by this holiday?" At 2am the day before said holiday...

"Do you take food stamps?" This is one we actually get fairly often. If you're bad enough off that you need food stamps, then you don't even need to THINK about ordering gourmet products from anywhere!!! And don't get mad when we tell you no!

******

Hard of hearing or hard of listening?

I'm still amazed (after 3 years) at how little attention people pay. Every single call, after going thru an automated menu that states the company name several times, customers are greeted with "Welcome to GourmetFoodCompany, this is me, are you calling to place an order?" and STILL people will come up with stuff like "Is this GourmetFoodCompany?" or "I need to cancel my credit card" or "I want to order diabetic supplies."

One that I got recently that actually amused more than annoyed me was a woman who said yes, she wanted to place an order, and no, she hadn't ordered from us before. So I go thru setting up a new customer account (name, billing address) and get to the point where I ask her what she wants to order. "Oh, my husband wanted one of those farting teddy bears he saw advertised somewhere." Um...... what? And why do you think you'll be able to order a teddy bear, farting or otherwise, from a gourmet FOOD company????

With every order a customer places, we're required to offer them additional items. Over half the time, I'll name, describe and state the price for a couple of items and ask them if they'd like to add either to their order, and the customer will ask me "Do you have item #1 that I just told them about less than 15 seconds ago?" No. We don't.

I could go on, and no doubt after the madness of this Christmas season I'll have even more.....

[LifeCarnie]

We went round like this for at least 5 minutes, her insisting that 'corner of Main and Elm' was in fact the address, me trying to tell her that no, it couldn't be. Meanwhile, a coworker able to overhear my half of this conversation was beginning to have difficulty suppressing her giggles.

Actually in NYC there are quite a few major hospitals that don't have proper street addresses, but since they're giant hospitals I think UPS doesn't have a problem with it.

One of the addresses is: "The foot of East 29th Street".

I didn't even know streets had feet.

Weird Questions: Trust me, there IS such a thing as a stupid question.

You've posted to the right board. Whoever said "There is no such thing as a stupid question" never worked in customer service.

[Captain Kidd]

"Do you carry pickled pig's feet? What about lamb's tongues?" Sad thing about this one is I think the guy was serious.

About them existing or that he wanted to get some from a gourmet food company?
Pickled pig feet, pig knuckles, pig lips, pig ears, pig skin, lamb tongues, beef tripe, and on and on and on. Yeah, they're all available, even at the big name stores if you know where to look . . . and live in the right areas.

One of the really good Chinese buffets here in town has a small "oh dear God what is that?" section. Tripe, chicken feet, and other "goodies."

[Eireann]

That farting teddy bear just cracks me up! Did she say it without laughing?

[Javarod]

Actually its possible to not have an address, its rare, but it happens, in fact my family is good for two weird addresses. Since they don't live at either of them, I can post them here, one is my parent's apartment, they lived at 1K Farmingdale Gardens in Farmingdale, NJ. Yes, that's what it sounds like, apartment 1K at Farmingadale Apartments, the utility companies had unofficial made up addresses for the complex, and none of them had the same one, it was just something to get the computer to accept their address, the Post Office new where to find them. The reason? It was a formerly small farm community, and in NJ, many towns don't have a formal street grid, they make one up when they need to, and try to figure out how to make old places fit into it.

The second address was my grandparent's place up in E Windsor, CT. I don't recall the exact address, but the notable thing was that the address didn't include a street type, IE Lane, Drive, Street, et al, it was just a number and a name, that's it.

Actually their is a third, my parent's current one is very much like that last one, and yep, they live out in a far community again, this time in PA.

[Reyneth]

One (hopefully former) customer of ours is quite literally psychotic. Her calls invariably START with her screaming abuse, accusing us of everything from stealing her stuff to pedophilia and everything in between. And when she does call, she calls again and again and again for hours on end, calling back within seconds when the current agent listening to her bilious rants gets tired of it and hangs up on her.

I couldn't resist. Instead of "Welcome to GourmetFoodCompany, this is me, are you calling to place an order?" I gave her "Seventh Circle of Hell, Beezelbub's office, how may I direct your call?"

Hmmm, GK's "Death to America!" guy has a sister? They're multipying!
And I nearly broke Rule #1 reading your greeting.

The only thing I could think of with that first clueless chick is that her friend *works* that corner. /mindgutter

[OfficeSlug]

My aunt/uncle used to live at "Strawberry Lane; Tiny Town in Upstate, NY" - the only house on that LONG stretch of pavement!!

I can see your frustration at the "corner of such and such" though... that's not even somewhat standard by any level!!

[angelicafire]

Actually its possible to not have an address, its rare, but it happens, in fact my family is good for two weird addresses.

Random info: There's a road in Richmond, Virginia named Hull Street Road.

[Javarod]

Random info: There's a road in Richmond, Virginia named Hull Street Road.

Oh I think we can be that out here, we have a W North St here in the valley, and Red Bank NJ has a W East St (or was that E West St).

[Captain Kidd]

Delivery drivers throughout Atlanta hate to hear: "the address is on Peachtree."

50% of Atlanta's streets have "Peachtree" somewhere in their name.
Peachtree Ln, Peachtree Cr, Peachtree Blvd, Peachtree Rd, Peachtree Ct, Peachtree Way, Peachtree Square, N. Peachtree Rd, and on and on and on. It's a common local joke.

[ShootMePlease]

Hey-

If the first name of your company matches that of a certain boy wizard, I just love your red velvet petit fours !!

Other than that, don't let the morons get you down.

[Finduilas]

My family has a place way way up in Coos County, NH... just recently they updated the roads in the Colebrook / Stewartstown area. There had been a veritable maze of dirt roads leading miles out to one farm house. What they did was to just name the road after the people who lived on it. An example of that was Harvey Swell Road. It led to Noyes Road, which led you out to Skunk Hollow...
Our address used to be 31H Rural Route something... I never was able to figure out what the heck the H was supposed to stand for (our last name, perhaps?).... but now it's a real number.

[napoleana]

"Do you carry pickled pig's feet? What about lamb's tongues?" Sad thing about this one is I think the guy was serious.

I haven't heard of lamb's tongue, but I'm not surprised. I have a great uncle who knows every gas station from here to his home in Texas that sells pickled pigs feet. As these things are considered "unusual," I'm not surprised that someone might think such things were sold by a Gourmet store.

Really, I don't understand why people consider such things gross. (Though, no, I haven't eaten them.) What's grosser about pickled pigs feet than good ol' dead flesh, milk from another species, the curdled or even molded product of that milk, or a bird's menstrual product? If you're willing to eat that, what's so wrong with the rest of it?

[smileyeagle1021]

On the addresses, I've had some strange ones before, when I went to utah state my address was 8229 mountain view tower, logan ut, 84321. It actually made sense too, 84321 was USU only, 8 was the building number, 2 was the floor number, and 29 was the room number... mountain view tower was the building name.
my current address is worse though
xxx east *geographic feature* ave #x (xxxx south)... yes, my street has both a name and a number, while really only one of the two is required, it technically is supposed to be written out as I have it above.

[BookstoreEscapee]

"Seventh Circle of Hell, Beezelbub's office, how may I direct your call?"

Man, I had some days at the bookstore I would have loved to be able to use that one! (and , btw! Great way start out!)

Hmmm, GK's "Death to America!" guy has a sister? They're multipying!
And I nearly broke Rule #1 reading your greeting.

The only thing I could think of with that first clueless chick is that her friend *works* that corner. /mindgutter

Damn, you beat me to it!

and:

Since they don't live at either of them, I can post them here, one is my parent's apartment, they lived at 1K Farmingdale Gardens in Farmingdale, NJ.

Hey, I grew up not far from Farmnigdale! My apartment is like that. Just # ABC Gardens (that's how the post office wants it). When I set up electric service I had to give them #-1 ABC Gardens. When we set up the cable we had to give them XX Street Name, Apartment # (actually the highway that the complex is on, not even the name on the street sign at the light leading into the complex; the "XX" is the lot number for the whole complex). There was a whole page in the info packet that they gave us on the various ways we had to give our address to different entities.

The second address was my grandparent's place up in E Windsor, CT. I don't recall the exact address, but the notable thing was that the address didn't include a street type, IE Lane, Drive, Street, et al, it was just a number and a name, that's it.

There's a street I used to pass that is just "The Enclosure." (As you might expect from such a pretentious-sounding name, it is lined with ginormous houses, probably containing not more than 4 people.)

I also see a Line Road on my way to work. Personally I think it should be called Line Drive.

and in NJ, many towns don't have a formal street grid, they make one up when they need to, and try to figure out how to make old places fit into it.

Tell me about it. The town I grew up in was established in the 1600s. Suffice to say, the streets are not made to handle the amount of traffic it gets now, and being a historical area, there aren't too many options for widening streets or anything like that.