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Now that I have your attention, it's time for more tales from the front lines of customer service. Not much to report from my night job (night stocking at Kroger). I only have the potential to interact with customers for 2 hours of my shift, and they seem to be oblivious to us guys and gals doing the graveyard shift and bother other people.
The thread title was an actual quote from me this morning, btw. We hung some laundry to dry yesterday since it wasn't too cold and it was nice and sunny. Then it decided to rain overnight and freeze this morning, and it wasn't until I took the trash out that I saw the frozen clothing on the line that I remembered we never took it in.
Anne Baloney: Asshat Attorney
SW: This is Anne Baloney (I'm not making this up, I swear that's the name she gave me). I am (CUSTOMER'S) lawyer and we need to take care of her account.
ME: Okay, how can I help you?
SW: My client doesn't get service where she needs it.
ME: I see. And does your client have trouble at her service at home?
SW: No, it works fine in her home, but she spends a lot of time at a casino and there is no service there. Then you told her there would be a termination fee if she cancels.
ME: I see. Would you mind holding for me?
SUP: What's up?
ME: Please, please, please let me go outside of policy.
SUP: Why?
ME: This 'tard is calling in pretending to be a lawyer. I want to mess with her.
SUP: If she said she's a lawyer, all we can do is give her the legal department's info.
ME: But she's totally not a lawyer.
SUP: Sorry, we have to follow policy. We can't speak to anyone identifying themselves as an attorney.
ME: Damn.
****
ME: Thanks for holding. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to discuss this account with you. I can provide our Legal Department's mailing address.
SW: Just give me their phone number.
ME: They don't take calls, only written correspondance on your firm's letterhead.
SW: I don't have time for that! I want this taken care of now!
ME: I'm sorry, but only our legal team can discuss this account with you.
SW: Then give me a supervisor!
ME: No one but our legal correspondance department will be able to speak to you about this account.
SW: Well, (CUSTOMER) is my... secretary, and she's on lunch right now. I'll have her call you back later.
I don't know what the bigger issue is here. That you want me to believe that you are your own attorney, that you think this will get you anywhere, that you would have me believe you paid someone $400 for legal counsel to try and get out of a fee half that amount, or the fact that you think your compulsive gambling problem in some way should let you out of your contract.
But wait, there's more!
FAIL
CW (Coworker that sits behind me): Kara! Don't go passing your customers to me.
ME: Which one of mine did you get?
CW: This lady that isn't getting service. You talked to her lawyer.
ME: That was like, 5 minutes ago. Is she claiming to be the lawyer or the customer?
CW: The customer.
ME (plugs into her call box): *listens to customer speak* That's her.
It's a shame I couldn't have gotten her again. But since she was calling as herself this time, my coworker got to mess with her. The call ended with the customer telling her that she was going to "get her ass!"
I asked my SUP if I could send this customer a Christmas card. She said no
Epic Fail
SM: I got this thing in the mail that says you'll give me a free month of service if I renew my contract!
ME: I'm glad to see you got that offer. It's only available to select valued customers like yourself.
SM: What are you people trying to pull here?
ME: Nothing. We're offering you a free month of service if you renew your contract today.
SM: No, no, no! I'm not falling for it! I like my plan where it is.
ME: Of course, it's working out very well for you. You don't have to change it to take the offer.
SM: How dare you send me something like this!
ME: Um... Excuse me?
SM: What do you people want from me?!
ME: Nothing. It's completely up to you if you want to take the offer.
SM: Heh, heh, heh! I'll keep my service right where it is!
First of all, what the bleeding f*** was that all about? If you don't want it, fine, don't take it. But to call and complain about it? That'll teach us to do something for you.
Hehe
SM: I need a phone with big buttons! I like big buttons!
And I cannot lie.
...
Couldn't resist.
Idiot Logic
SM: I don't see why you can't just give me the phone! For a company of your size, it shouldn't be a problem!
Yeah, and you know what? If I do it for you (I can't), then the millions of other customers I have will want that too. Then my company will be out of business.
Jailhouse Rock
SM: I'm not paying that charge! I don't care what happens! I'd rather go to prison!
Okay, sure thing. Just don't drop the soap. If it goes in dry, just bite your pillow.
Why Murder Should Be Legal
SW: I'm not renewing the contract on my husband's line! If you renew my contract, I'll cancel both lines, pay the termination fee on my line, and go sign a 2 year contract with (COMPETITOR)!
ME: So.... you'll pay the fee and agree to a 2 year contract with another provider just to avoid a 1 year contract on 1 line with me?
SW: Yes!
ME: And why would you do that?
SW: It's the principle!
Okay, you just said the magic phrase. You have now earned my eternal, raging hatred. You can already feel it, can't you? Boring into your soul like a flaming dagger, squeezing your throat with razor-sharp talons. You'll spend the rest of your night waking from indescribably terrifying nightmares, screaming and clawing at your head, trying to rid yourself of the horrible memory of the dreams. But it will never stop, not until your mind is shattered and your soul is swallowed by the darkness.
Yeah, I can be pretty damn intimidating when I want to be
Games? More Like the Asshat Olympics
*Long story short - guy was charged for sending a damaged phone back for his exchange. He denies any damage.*
SM: You need to take care of this!
ME: As I've already explained, you were advised that if any damage was found on the phone that you sent back, you would be charged a fee.
SM: Listen, you don't play games with a longtime customer!
ME: I'm not playing games. The phone was damaged.
SM: You're making an assumption that it was damaged.
ME: No, I have documentation that the manufacturer-certified technician who examined your phone found damage to the screen that voided the warranty.
SM: I'm going to cancel my service! And then I'm going to tell everyone that (MY COMPANY) doesn't stand behind its products.
ME: We most certainly do stand behind our products. But when you break the phone, that's not our fault.
You have gained a level. You are now a level 50 Asstard. Unfortunately for you, I am carrying a Headset of Sarcasm, which give me +10 ATK to Ass-type customers. You have been mercilessly slain by the Customer Service Rep. Your skull will make a fine addition to her vast collection. Load Saved Game (Y/N)?
The thread title was an actual quote from me this morning, btw. We hung some laundry to dry yesterday since it wasn't too cold and it was nice and sunny. Then it decided to rain overnight and freeze this morning, and it wasn't until I took the trash out that I saw the frozen clothing on the line that I remembered we never took it in.
Anne Baloney: Asshat Attorney
SW: This is Anne Baloney (I'm not making this up, I swear that's the name she gave me). I am (CUSTOMER'S) lawyer and we need to take care of her account.
ME: Okay, how can I help you?
SW: My client doesn't get service where she needs it.
ME: I see. And does your client have trouble at her service at home?
SW: No, it works fine in her home, but she spends a lot of time at a casino and there is no service there. Then you told her there would be a termination fee if she cancels.
ME: I see. Would you mind holding for me?
SUP: What's up?
ME: Please, please, please let me go outside of policy.
SUP: Why?
ME: This 'tard is calling in pretending to be a lawyer. I want to mess with her.
SUP: If she said she's a lawyer, all we can do is give her the legal department's info.
ME: But she's totally not a lawyer.
SUP: Sorry, we have to follow policy. We can't speak to anyone identifying themselves as an attorney.
ME: Damn.
****
ME: Thanks for holding. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to discuss this account with you. I can provide our Legal Department's mailing address.
SW: Just give me their phone number.
ME: They don't take calls, only written correspondance on your firm's letterhead.
SW: I don't have time for that! I want this taken care of now!
ME: I'm sorry, but only our legal team can discuss this account with you.
SW: Then give me a supervisor!
ME: No one but our legal correspondance department will be able to speak to you about this account.
SW: Well, (CUSTOMER) is my... secretary, and she's on lunch right now. I'll have her call you back later.
I don't know what the bigger issue is here. That you want me to believe that you are your own attorney, that you think this will get you anywhere, that you would have me believe you paid someone $400 for legal counsel to try and get out of a fee half that amount, or the fact that you think your compulsive gambling problem in some way should let you out of your contract.
But wait, there's more!
FAIL
CW (Coworker that sits behind me): Kara! Don't go passing your customers to me.
ME: Which one of mine did you get?
CW: This lady that isn't getting service. You talked to her lawyer.
ME: That was like, 5 minutes ago. Is she claiming to be the lawyer or the customer?
CW: The customer.
ME (plugs into her call box): *listens to customer speak* That's her.
It's a shame I couldn't have gotten her again. But since she was calling as herself this time, my coworker got to mess with her. The call ended with the customer telling her that she was going to "get her ass!"
I asked my SUP if I could send this customer a Christmas card. She said no
Epic Fail
SM: I got this thing in the mail that says you'll give me a free month of service if I renew my contract!
ME: I'm glad to see you got that offer. It's only available to select valued customers like yourself.
SM: What are you people trying to pull here?
ME: Nothing. We're offering you a free month of service if you renew your contract today.
SM: No, no, no! I'm not falling for it! I like my plan where it is.
ME: Of course, it's working out very well for you. You don't have to change it to take the offer.
SM: How dare you send me something like this!
ME: Um... Excuse me?
SM: What do you people want from me?!
ME: Nothing. It's completely up to you if you want to take the offer.
SM: Heh, heh, heh! I'll keep my service right where it is!
First of all, what the bleeding f*** was that all about? If you don't want it, fine, don't take it. But to call and complain about it? That'll teach us to do something for you.
Hehe
SM: I need a phone with big buttons! I like big buttons!
And I cannot lie.
...
Couldn't resist.
Idiot Logic
SM: I don't see why you can't just give me the phone! For a company of your size, it shouldn't be a problem!
Yeah, and you know what? If I do it for you (I can't), then the millions of other customers I have will want that too. Then my company will be out of business.
Jailhouse Rock
SM: I'm not paying that charge! I don't care what happens! I'd rather go to prison!
Okay, sure thing. Just don't drop the soap. If it goes in dry, just bite your pillow.
Why Murder Should Be Legal
SW: I'm not renewing the contract on my husband's line! If you renew my contract, I'll cancel both lines, pay the termination fee on my line, and go sign a 2 year contract with (COMPETITOR)!
ME: So.... you'll pay the fee and agree to a 2 year contract with another provider just to avoid a 1 year contract on 1 line with me?
SW: Yes!
ME: And why would you do that?
SW: It's the principle!
Okay, you just said the magic phrase. You have now earned my eternal, raging hatred. You can already feel it, can't you? Boring into your soul like a flaming dagger, squeezing your throat with razor-sharp talons. You'll spend the rest of your night waking from indescribably terrifying nightmares, screaming and clawing at your head, trying to rid yourself of the horrible memory of the dreams. But it will never stop, not until your mind is shattered and your soul is swallowed by the darkness.
Yeah, I can be pretty damn intimidating when I want to be
Games? More Like the Asshat Olympics
*Long story short - guy was charged for sending a damaged phone back for his exchange. He denies any damage.*
SM: You need to take care of this!
ME: As I've already explained, you were advised that if any damage was found on the phone that you sent back, you would be charged a fee.
SM: Listen, you don't play games with a longtime customer!
ME: I'm not playing games. The phone was damaged.
SM: You're making an assumption that it was damaged.
ME: No, I have documentation that the manufacturer-certified technician who examined your phone found damage to the screen that voided the warranty.
SM: I'm going to cancel my service! And then I'm going to tell everyone that (MY COMPANY) doesn't stand behind its products.
ME: We most certainly do stand behind our products. But when you break the phone, that's not our fault.
You have gained a level. You are now a level 50 Asstard. Unfortunately for you, I am carrying a Headset of Sarcasm, which give me +10 ATK to Ass-type customers. You have been mercilessly slain by the Customer Service Rep. Your skull will make a fine addition to her vast collection. Load Saved Game (Y/N)?
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