SCs guide to a retail parking lot

[AKWalMartCartGuy]

1.the stop signs are just for decoration, there's no need to stop

2.It's especially fun if you hit them with your car, it's not they're important or anything

3. If someone's coming with carts, don't mind them, just gun it

4. unless, of course, they are too close to do that, then just ignore them til they push their carts out in front of you

5. then gun it

6. It is VERY important that you do not allow enough room for a shopping cart between your car and the next

7. bonus points if there's enough room to get one past every part of your car until your rear fender on one side, and your front fender on the other

8. It's even better if you team up with some friends to completely box in a couple carts

9. the best place for an electric cart is a snowbank, don't let the "do not remove from store" signs bother you

10. if those signs bother you be sure to bitch about it to the courtesy clerks

11.we must also be immediately notified about any cart in the general area of handicapped parking

12. if the lot is a mess, be sure to tell the greeters, they care

13.be sure to spin your tires ice is fun

14. there's nowhere for the pedal to be but "to the metal"

15. it's ultra fun to have trucks with gigantinormous lift kits putting their exhaust in our face

16. if your vehicle is going to fail it's next emissions test, don't turn it off when you go in, that would make you slightly cold for 5 minutes, and we can't have that. asking you to wear a coat would be unbelievably rude


I'm sure I'll add more to this as i'm reminded of them saturday(i have thursday-friday off)

[HawaiianShirts]

Can I add some?

17. No shopping cart ever has to be returned inside the store. Just leave it wherever you like. Those carts have an amazing directional sense. They'll find their way home if you leave them alone long enough.

18. The fire lane is a convenient parking space.

19. If you have an expensive car, be sure to take up as many parking spaces as possible to avoid the possibility of a paint scratch. This is especially important on busy holidays and weekends.

20. When parking lot traffic is heavy, don't forget to block the intersection on your way out. You're obviously the most important person there. No one will mind you blocking their path for a minute or two.

21. Litter. Always litter. You don't need to pick up your own trash. They have people at the store paid to do that, you know.

[princess4life]

22. The lines for the parking spaces are just suggestions feel free to park at what ever angle you want.

23. When you see people crossing the parking lot going to or from there car gun it and make them wait for you or go around you it's not like they are going to melt from the pouring rain

[Chanlin]

1.the stop signs are just for decoration, there's no need to stop

I won't say its the most advisable thing to do, but these signs technically are there for decoration, or at least in the US they are. In most states parking lots are private property. Since the stop sign is on private property it is not enforceable.

This however will not remove any blame from the driver if they should happen to hit someone. In fact it will look worse for the driver if it can be proven that he ignored the sign and then hit someone. Its kind of a backward logic, but you do not have to stop.

I always use the if it is safe rule. IE if no one else is around I just run right through them. IF there is even a single pedestrian or vehicle anywhere near the sign then I stop.

[Sylvia727]

24. If the parking lot is completely empty, be sure to find the one other driver and crowd him. He might be lonely!

25. Make sure no one else can pull out without hitting your car. You don't want your new friends to abandon you, after all. Don't worry if you damage their car in the process, insurance will fix them up no problem.

26. If you see small children near your car, rev your engine threatenly and make them cry. Their parents love that, it saves them the trouble of abusing the children themselves.

27. Always park in the "New Mothers" spot. You and your chihuahua deserve it more than that 8 months pregnant woman with two toddlers.

[blas]

While you're at it, park in the Preferred Senior Spots as well. If it's too hard for Elmer to walk 50 feet to the door, he shouldn't be out and about at all. You are the most important here!

[Sarah81]

28. The handicapped parking spots are there so you don't have to walk so far. Don't worry about not having a placard or a plate, or even a medical reason to park in these coveted spots. You're only going to be in the store for a couple of minutes anyway.

29. The giant trash cans chained to the cart corrals have "TRASH" stenciled on them in big, white letters. You obviously see them, but feel free to leave your child's filthy diapers, your fast-food trash, or your other garbage in the carts. The people who retrieve the carts have nothing better to do than clean up after you.

30. Pedestrians: the crosswalk is a magical shield that will prevent cars from hitting you. Don't bother looking either way before you cross. Just step right on out there. That magical shield will protect you. And you're so vital to the universe's cosmic balance that no mere mortal would DARE mow you down, whether on purpose or by accident.

[blas]

Especially at night, be sure to RUN across the crowded parking lot. Drivers need to be kept on their toes! Especially if you have children. Tell them it's a game. Have them run all over the parking lot 100 feet ahead of you and tell them to dodge traffic. Whoever doesn't get run over gets a McFlurry at McDonalds, and whoever runs over Junior gets sued for $100,000,000 so you can finally have that mansion in Maui.

[mattm04]

9. the best place for an electric cart is a snowbank, don't let the "do not remove from store" signs bother you

I'm sure I'll add more to this as i'm reminded of them saturday(i have thursday-friday off)

I had to help a older lady out to her car one day, as I am walking back I see an old guy leave a electric cat outside. I politely tell him, "Sit, in the future pleas tell the bagger or cashier that you need to bring the cart outside, they are very expensive and we don't want them damager or stolen." Since only young people are rude, he responds "I don;t care what you little asshole punks say, I'm the f****** customer, yor job is to do what I tell you to. And I don;t care about your f***** policies roe rules. Ant I will be calling you manager and get you sorry ass fired you piece of shit kid." Wioht that he drove off. I told the GM about what happened and low and behold he called to complain. He was swearing at our CSM who told him not to come back if he would treat staff like that or we would ban him. He never cane back.

[Parrothead]

31) Please, feel free to play Frisbee in the lot, at night, while wearing dark clothes.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

32) By all means push your SO downhill in a shopping cart with cars coming through . . . ain't love wonderful?

33) Turn signals are OPTIONAL. Meaning, they're for everyone else but Your Grace. If you still feel compelled to use them, make sure you use the OPPOSITE turn signal for the direction you are going to turn. Don't worry about the other drivers behind you . . . they can figure out where you're going.

34) Don't forget to block the exit from the store so that people pushing their carts outside have to go halfway down the shopping center before they can get their carts off the sidewalk to take their purchases to their cars. They're probably all overweight and need the exercise anyways and besides, walking is good for the heart.

35) You are much too special to go through the stoplight like the "little people" so why not cut through the rear of the shopping center and drive through? The best time is during the weekday mornings, when trucks of all sizes are in the back alley delivering product to various stores. And don't worry . . . that little fellow driving that big box trailer truck with Bud Light on the side will be happy to move out of your way

Don't forget rule 33 . . . Turn signals are OPTIONAL.

[Swordsman422]

36) If the store hours are not to your liking, please feel free to redline your engine and throw a rod to show your displeasure. If this does not work, climb out the window like an idiot and fall flat on your face.

37) As a public servant such as a fireman, you DO in fact have the priviledge of taking up ALL parking spaces with both of your unit's ladder trucks so that one of you can come in and buy a single $.89 item.

[MaverickGypsy]

38. If you drive a smelly diesel, make sure you unload your passengers right in front of the entrance doors. The employees love the fumes, it makes them high enough to finish their shift without really caring.

[hecubus]

39. If you don't feel like walking very far, feel free to park next to the sidewalk in the Fire Lane, or, better yet, park on the sidewalk itself.

40. See those areas next to the handicapped spaces with the line through them? Those are motorcycle parking. It's not like anyone who is disabled needs room to use a wheelchair lift or anything.

41. If anyone points out that you are illegally parked in a handicapped spot, feel free to verbally abuse that person, even though you are the one breaking the law.

[Aggravated Associate]

17a. Bonus points if you leave the cart three or more store lengths away.

17b. Triple points if you leave your cart at a store that isn't even within eyesight of where you got it from.