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...and any flames or burning devices (e.g. candles, incense) are disallowed per University policy, so I guess the glow of my laptop screen will have to be delightful enough for now.
Seriously though, I've had it up to ^here with University policy and enforcement... or lack thereof. Also, I reveal the secrets of my current employment! Read. WARNING: Long, as usual.
Glad I've got the "cool" RA... [/sarcasm]
My floor is ungodly loud. I'm in an all-freshman dorm (though I'm a sophomore, a product of University Housing's brilliance, but that's a thread of its own) and the frosh, with very few exceptions, are retarded. Perhaps clinically. God I hope so. Some examples of what NOT to do as a freshman at University, unless your aim is to be kicked the fuck out, either of school or else by me:
- Stay up until 5am on a Tuesday playing Guitar Hero III, and never play anything besides "Paint it, Black", "Slow Ride", "Raining Blood", and "Rock You Like a Hurricane".
- Shout loudly up and down the hallway to some other asshole (yes that means you're one too) about how much more fun your room party is than his.
- Invite my girlfriend, who already knows you as the "loud, drunken idiot" who lives down the hall from me, to an "underwear party" which is "kind of a sausage fest" because there is "like one girl and then like seven guys".
- Bonus points if you do the above while I'm standing next to her.
- 2X Bonus points if you realize your mistake, catch yourself, and then invite me as well, though "you probably wouldn't like it, since it's so many guys and all".
- If you're drunk, at least have the brains to stay in your fucking room unless you've put down your drink!
Also, my RA, who is a senior, has on at least one occasion stumbled, drunk, into one of the residents' rooms during the resident's Beirut tournament. And said he would've played if he wasn't so drunk and if he hadn't been drunk that he would've had to warn the guys about playing too loud. Excellent role model there, pal.
Magician
One of the "cool" frosh who understands that drinking only happens between Thursday noon and 4am Monday morning, and is actually both going to class and doing his coursework went to the bathroom to shower about a month ago. Now I know, this story sounds boring and stupid, but you see this bathroom was a magical bathroom, which caused his laptop to vanish from his room during the course of his showering, and also caused none of the other guys on his floor to have any recollection of his laptop or seeing anyone walk down the hallway carrying it.
Geeks beware!
...Or don't! The "library bandit" may have been caught! Yes, as reported in the school paper a young woman has been apprehended with the following not belonging to her:
- White MacBook and power cord ($1500)
- IBM ThinkPad ($400)
- Dell Inspiron 640M and case ($1000)
- Playstation 3 ($399.99)
- Sony speak dock/clock radio ($104.99)
- Sixaxis wireless controller ($49.99)
- "Kane and Lynch" Playstation 3 game ($59.99)
- iPod Touch ($399.99)
- Black Apple MacBook ($1500)
- red leather wallet
- Belkin cleaning wipes
...and the University Police "aren't sure" that she stole it all. Despite the huge number of thefts from the library (one great break for the thieves was when a fire drill was held at the library, a 20+ story building, and students were instructed to just get up and leave their belongings when they exited, and then stood around in the freezing temperatures for 45 minutes before being allowed back in to retrieve their possessions or go back to work).
Nobody would ever guess...
Ok, I'll fess up. My top-secret job isn't really super top-secret, though I do work for the state (a state University) and I'm not strictly paid, per se, but I do get some awesome benefits. You see, I'm this guy. Not the one who you read about if you look him up, that was the "old" guy. I'm the "new" guy. One of, anyway. By the way, I never told anyone here, ANY of this. So SHHHHHH.
As for the stories that emerge, the most common one is people who will try and get me to talk (against the rules of the job). Also, I've heard some pretty amazing questions in my day:
- "Your name isn't really Sam is it?" Congratulations, tard-bitch! It's taken you until COLLEGE to figure out what everyone else knew by the age of ten.
- "Can you talk?" Of course I can. I just don't because it's not worth wasting my brilliant and scathingly Gravekeeper-like wit on you.
- "Are you a man or a woman under there?" Well, if by "under there" you mean "within the suit", I won't tell you. If you mean "in my nether regions", why don't you wait until after the game and I'll answer by cock-slapping you until you BLEED OUT YOUR EARS. And if you mean both, oh by God I hope for your sake you don't mean BOTH.
- "Are you hot under there?" Despite my outward appearance of being a seven-foot-tall gray man with pudgy hands, huge feet and an enormous head, yes.
- "Do you know 'Soulja Boy'?" Yes, we're great friends. Oh, you mean the dance? Yes, I know it and NO, I will not do it for you. I don't care if Sebastian the Ibis from U Miami did it!
- "How do you see?" With my eyes.
- "Do I know you?" (Always asked by athletes who know one or more of the "Sam"s.) If you do, I can't tell you. But you do now! Hi, I'm Sam.
There are countless more, but I should've made a separate thread for just those, with how long this is running. More on request.
Sometimes I wish...
A man came up to Sam the other day and asked "What happened to your gun?" I couldn't exactly explain how the University wanted the mascot to look "friendlier" so stripped him of his completely awesome musket, nor could I berate him for not noticing since the musket has been gone for about TEN YEARS. Instead, I just pretended to shoot him with said absent musket. He chuckled. Fool.
Class. End story.
I've been sick. A lot. Enough to miss FIVE exams. In three separate classes. Funnily enough, the two classes that I missed two exams in are allowing me to retake them (one allowed me to take them this semester, the other wants me to delay getting a grade until next semester when I can make up the two exams in that class), while the professor for whom I've missed only ONE exam has told me that the most she can do for me is to sign off on my retroactive withdrawal from the class. Meaning I have to retake it next semester, as it's a pre-req for a lot of my upper level classes. FUCK.
Sense of Responsibility
The University is pretty awesome at teaching us students to accept responsibility for our actions and do the best we can to remedy them when things go wrong. Here's a great example:
(From a notice signed by all students before checking out of their buildings for vacations, meaning Thanksgiving, Winter Recess, Summer Break, etc.)
"- University staff members will be checking rooms for illegal or banned items. Contraband items found in dorm rooms will be documented and disciplinary action will be taken.
- The University and its employees are not responsible for lost or stolen items."
Now, permit me a short leap of logic here: The rooms are locked, as per University orders. The windows are shut and locked, again per University orders. Students are not allowed back into their buildings until the end of break, per University orders. However, University employees are permitted, and even instructed, to enter every single dormitory room and perform a visual inspection, before leaving and locking the door behind them. And yet, despite none having access to the "lost or stolen" items during the period of their disappearance, with the exception of University employees, the University and its employees cannot be held responsible if any of those items go missing. Like, for example, when a University employee takes a television, laptop, iPod, or printer (all of which have happened on more than one occasion). Instead, students are told to "ensure that no valuables are left in [their] rooms. Meaning that if you don't want your TV stolen over Thanksgiving break, you'd better pack it up and haul it home, and then haul it back again in four days' time.
Now THAT, as Penn and Teller (or just Penn) would say, is BULLSHIT.
Seriously though, I've had it up to ^here with University policy and enforcement... or lack thereof. Also, I reveal the secrets of my current employment! Read. WARNING: Long, as usual.
Glad I've got the "cool" RA... [/sarcasm]
My floor is ungodly loud. I'm in an all-freshman dorm (though I'm a sophomore, a product of University Housing's brilliance, but that's a thread of its own) and the frosh, with very few exceptions, are retarded. Perhaps clinically. God I hope so. Some examples of what NOT to do as a freshman at University, unless your aim is to be kicked the fuck out, either of school or else by me:
- Stay up until 5am on a Tuesday playing Guitar Hero III, and never play anything besides "Paint it, Black", "Slow Ride", "Raining Blood", and "Rock You Like a Hurricane".
- Shout loudly up and down the hallway to some other asshole (yes that means you're one too) about how much more fun your room party is than his.
- Invite my girlfriend, who already knows you as the "loud, drunken idiot" who lives down the hall from me, to an "underwear party" which is "kind of a sausage fest" because there is "like one girl and then like seven guys".
- Bonus points if you do the above while I'm standing next to her.
- 2X Bonus points if you realize your mistake, catch yourself, and then invite me as well, though "you probably wouldn't like it, since it's so many guys and all".
- If you're drunk, at least have the brains to stay in your fucking room unless you've put down your drink!
Also, my RA, who is a senior, has on at least one occasion stumbled, drunk, into one of the residents' rooms during the resident's Beirut tournament. And said he would've played if he wasn't so drunk and if he hadn't been drunk that he would've had to warn the guys about playing too loud. Excellent role model there, pal.
Magician
One of the "cool" frosh who understands that drinking only happens between Thursday noon and 4am Monday morning, and is actually both going to class and doing his coursework went to the bathroom to shower about a month ago. Now I know, this story sounds boring and stupid, but you see this bathroom was a magical bathroom, which caused his laptop to vanish from his room during the course of his showering, and also caused none of the other guys on his floor to have any recollection of his laptop or seeing anyone walk down the hallway carrying it.
Geeks beware!
...Or don't! The "library bandit" may have been caught! Yes, as reported in the school paper a young woman has been apprehended with the following not belonging to her:
- White MacBook and power cord ($1500)
- IBM ThinkPad ($400)
- Dell Inspiron 640M and case ($1000)
- Playstation 3 ($399.99)
- Sony speak dock/clock radio ($104.99)
- Sixaxis wireless controller ($49.99)
- "Kane and Lynch" Playstation 3 game ($59.99)
- iPod Touch ($399.99)
- Black Apple MacBook ($1500)
- red leather wallet
- Belkin cleaning wipes
...and the University Police "aren't sure" that she stole it all. Despite the huge number of thefts from the library (one great break for the thieves was when a fire drill was held at the library, a 20+ story building, and students were instructed to just get up and leave their belongings when they exited, and then stood around in the freezing temperatures for 45 minutes before being allowed back in to retrieve their possessions or go back to work).
Nobody would ever guess...
Ok, I'll fess up. My top-secret job isn't really super top-secret, though I do work for the state (a state University) and I'm not strictly paid, per se, but I do get some awesome benefits. You see, I'm this guy. Not the one who you read about if you look him up, that was the "old" guy. I'm the "new" guy. One of, anyway. By the way, I never told anyone here, ANY of this. So SHHHHHH.
As for the stories that emerge, the most common one is people who will try and get me to talk (against the rules of the job). Also, I've heard some pretty amazing questions in my day:
- "Your name isn't really Sam is it?" Congratulations, tard-bitch! It's taken you until COLLEGE to figure out what everyone else knew by the age of ten.
- "Can you talk?" Of course I can. I just don't because it's not worth wasting my brilliant and scathingly Gravekeeper-like wit on you.
- "Are you a man or a woman under there?" Well, if by "under there" you mean "within the suit", I won't tell you. If you mean "in my nether regions", why don't you wait until after the game and I'll answer by cock-slapping you until you BLEED OUT YOUR EARS. And if you mean both, oh by God I hope for your sake you don't mean BOTH.
- "Are you hot under there?" Despite my outward appearance of being a seven-foot-tall gray man with pudgy hands, huge feet and an enormous head, yes.
- "Do you know 'Soulja Boy'?" Yes, we're great friends. Oh, you mean the dance? Yes, I know it and NO, I will not do it for you. I don't care if Sebastian the Ibis from U Miami did it!
- "How do you see?" With my eyes.
- "Do I know you?" (Always asked by athletes who know one or more of the "Sam"s.) If you do, I can't tell you. But you do now! Hi, I'm Sam.
There are countless more, but I should've made a separate thread for just those, with how long this is running. More on request.
Sometimes I wish...
A man came up to Sam the other day and asked "What happened to your gun?" I couldn't exactly explain how the University wanted the mascot to look "friendlier" so stripped him of his completely awesome musket, nor could I berate him for not noticing since the musket has been gone for about TEN YEARS. Instead, I just pretended to shoot him with said absent musket. He chuckled. Fool.
Class. End story.
I've been sick. A lot. Enough to miss FIVE exams. In three separate classes. Funnily enough, the two classes that I missed two exams in are allowing me to retake them (one allowed me to take them this semester, the other wants me to delay getting a grade until next semester when I can make up the two exams in that class), while the professor for whom I've missed only ONE exam has told me that the most she can do for me is to sign off on my retroactive withdrawal from the class. Meaning I have to retake it next semester, as it's a pre-req for a lot of my upper level classes. FUCK.
Sense of Responsibility
The University is pretty awesome at teaching us students to accept responsibility for our actions and do the best we can to remedy them when things go wrong. Here's a great example:
(From a notice signed by all students before checking out of their buildings for vacations, meaning Thanksgiving, Winter Recess, Summer Break, etc.)
"- University staff members will be checking rooms for illegal or banned items. Contraband items found in dorm rooms will be documented and disciplinary action will be taken.
- The University and its employees are not responsible for lost or stolen items."
Now, permit me a short leap of logic here: The rooms are locked, as per University orders. The windows are shut and locked, again per University orders. Students are not allowed back into their buildings until the end of break, per University orders. However, University employees are permitted, and even instructed, to enter every single dormitory room and perform a visual inspection, before leaving and locking the door behind them. And yet, despite none having access to the "lost or stolen" items during the period of their disappearance, with the exception of University employees, the University and its employees cannot be held responsible if any of those items go missing. Like, for example, when a University employee takes a television, laptop, iPod, or printer (all of which have happened on more than one occasion). Instead, students are told to "ensure that no valuables are left in [their] rooms. Meaning that if you don't want your TV stolen over Thanksgiving break, you'd better pack it up and haul it home, and then haul it back again in four days' time.
Now THAT, as Penn and Teller (or just Penn) would say, is BULLSHIT.
Why? This idiot would come in nearly every night, drunk as hell...waking everyone up. I was right across the hall helping someone with their accounting homework...when some of the other residents went in there, wrapped a sheet over him, and stapled his drunk ass to his wooden mattress frame. 
this was really fun because this was at 4 in the morning and I had and appointment in Salt Lake that morning so I was already up and showering... ever stood in the snow wearing nothing but a towel 
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