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I am back from vacation....and my suffering as resumed.
Merry Christmas, Honey
Caller ordered this:
An article of clothing that already makes me wonder if the Fashion Police have an anonymous tip line....but to make it all the better: He was ordering it for his WIFE, for Christmas.
I hope you own a comfortable couch and/or dog house, buddy.
867
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "I make COD order?"
Me: "..ok, what's your name please?"
SC: "…..uh….."
Me: "……"
SC: "……<click>"
Woot, shut out!
Butt Ransom
There was a rather odd gentlemen at 7/11 this evening. Actually, he looked somewhat familiar. I believe I've mentioned him before as the small, odd French hobo that confessed his love to me one evening and held the door open at 7/11. Well, anyway, he's back and he wants butt cheeks. I saw a girl walk out of 7/11, decline to give him change and he proceeded to attempt to smack her on the ass to which she dodged and fled.
Now I'm faced with a dilemma. Upon departing, do I pay his butt ransom or risk a spanking? I opted to risk the spank rather then reward his heiny terrorism. I quickly slinked out the door and skittered out of spank range like a school girl at a trucker bar before he could zero in.
It's Like Saying Hello
Just a heads up: The <popular hotel chain> is a terrible hotel with terrible, uncaring all male staff who may or may not be rapists and we should be completely ashamed of ourselves for ever daring to send a single woman there by herself. Who knows what could have happened to her at an branch of a major hotel chain 5 minutes from the airport with 24 hour shuttle service and clean, comfortable rooms that she refused to look at because the desk clerk was "rude" and probably a rapist because any customer service rep that acts rude is really a rapist in disguise. Just waiting for a chance to strike.
The NERVE of us.
Hardware Issues
SC: "My car was in an accident tonight so I can't make my shift tomorrow. I don't have a car."
Me: "Alright, I'll-"
SC: "I wiped out on the snow. So now I don't have a car for tomorrow."
Me: "Ok, I'll let her-"
SC: "I was coming down such and such street-"
The "I Don't Give a Rat's Ass" key seems to be mysteriously missing from my keyboard. Could we get that rectified as soon as possible, please? It would cut down on call time and really help the operators out. Thanks!
Kara's Customers...
SC: "What does business day mean?"
Me: "That's any day of the week except the weekends."
SC: "Oh, but I did pay on a business day! I paid it on Friday!"
Me: "Ok, around what time?"
SC: "…uh…..4am….......Saturday morning."
Ah yes, that one moment when the fact you're a complete idiot slowly dawns on you. It is a rare, precious moment and I myself can only hope to bear witness to it perhaps once a year if I am lucky. Wait, let me get my camera so that I may capture this moment for all time.
Don't wipe your chin, the dribble adds to the effect.
Proverbs
Me: "The office gets back in, in an hour."
SC: "Oh, so when should I call to reach them?"
Me: "….in an hour."
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot slam his face repeatedly into it until he actually listens to you when you talk and comprehends what basic information you were trying to impart.
<sob>
Me: "and the message please?"
SC: "I'm not sure."
How can you not be sure? Wasn't this the entire point? Wasn't this the objective of our long, arduous journey together? How can you lead me all this way then just disappoint me! I was so looking forward to our message together. We came all this way for nothing! I hope you're happy now, jerk! <runs out of room crying>
Prefix
( Keep in mind she's calling at 3am to ask when her cable bill will process.... )
SC: "Ya I was at one of ya'lls machines-"
I've come to the conclusion that "One of ya'lls machines" is a prefix for "Brace yourself, I'm about to say something fantastically retarded that may come as a staggering blow to anyone with an intellect beyond that of wet bathroom tile."
SC: "I CAN'T GO NO 4 MORE HOURS WITHOUT MA TV!"
See?
Visual Aid
SC: "The website says you have a sale on for 30-50% off on everything. Is that the number in red?"
You mean that glowing red number next to the item that says "ON SALE FOR:" before it? No, no it's not. Ignore that. We just put that there to mess with you.
A Different Approach
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "I don't know…"
Me: "Well, we're here for hotel bookings. So I can book you a room there if you like?"
SC: "I don't know!"
Obviously I'm going about this the wrong way…..lets try it this way: What DO you know? Once we've covered that material, which I'm sure I can comfortably fit on two post it notes with room for a doodle of a smiley face, then we can move on to the gaping void that is what you don't know. I shall attempt to fill what gaps I can. However, I'm sure my efforts will amount to little more then throwing a handful of marbles into an empty airplane hanger.
867
( After 5 minutes of listening to him dribble over the catalogue pages trying to find what he wants to order... )
SC: "Em' I takin' too long?"
Yes. Jeesus CHRIST yes you raging fscking arctic trailer park ANUS BEAST.
<cough>
However, sad as it may be, in this one instance I am paid to deceive you into thinking you are in some way shape or form important to me and thus may take as much time as you wish to select your next camo laden fashion atrocity. Thus I will continue to weave my web of lies with none the wiser.
867
SC: "But that's too big fer ma head…"
Yes, I somehow get the impression many things are.
Butt Ransom 2
Creepy French Butt Spanking Love Hobo was at 7/11…..again. But I have already spurned him twice so he did not confess his love to me this evening. It seems the magic has gone out of our relationship and all that is left is a dark, bitter void. Still, he did once again demand a 50 cent ransom in exchange for not being spanked. He did not actually imply the spanking but I could hear the underlaying threat to my hind quarters in his voice. Thus, like any real man would do, I quickly fled. He's small and wiry, but unwilling to leave his hunting grounds. So I only need to make it 10 feet or so to ensure the safety of my heiny.
@Work
Me: "Ok, do you have a customer id number?"
SC: "Oh, no. I'M AT WORK RIGHT NOW!"
ME TOO! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
Me: "and your postal code please?"
SC: "Oh, I'm not sure, I'm tired. Been WORKING TOO LONG!"
REALLY? ME TOO! PERHAPS WE CAN FORM A FANCLUB? WE COULD HAVE MATCHING UNIFORMS WITH CUTE LITTLE PLAID SKIRTS AND KNEE HIGHS.
PS. I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE IN A HOUSE FIRE.
867
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "…uh…..<company>?"
Me: "Yes, can I help you?"
SC: "…um…..ok…….uh……um…."
Me: "….."
SC: "Do you anythin' on sale fer kids like age 1-2?"
Me: "Do you have one of our catalogues there?"
SC: "Yeah, but I don't see anything….."
( That would be my point. )
Me: "We don't carry anything for children, sorry."
SC: "Oh, uh……..well….I thought it was important at this time fer ma kids."
Considering its 2am, you would be the only one. Actually, let me help you out. Maybe I can find you a number to a company that does carry kid's cloths. Your children definitely deserve some sort of apology gift or at least a sympathy card for the genes you passed onto them. Hallmark must have a card for that. They have a card for everything. You know, like a "Sorry I'm a drunken failure that had unprotected sex with a hambeast at a truck stop" card.
Antiskip
Me: "Good evening, <company>-"
SC: "umm…..yeah…..…….yeah………..yeah……….."
You know, most cd players came with anti-skip technology these days. Perhaps we can apply this technological advancement to your brain somehow. I know it doesn't sound like the parts would be…..compatible…..however, I do have a bread knife and a screwdriver here that are willing and able to find out. If you could just sit down and lean back we can get started.
Hmm....nope.
Me:: "Good evening, you're paging <client> with <company>"
SC: "…is this American Girl?"
While I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. So I did check my birth certificate and quickly checked down the front of my pants and no, no it's not, sorry.
IT MUST BE TRUE
Caller was under the impression she could die in a matter of hours from a sore jaw because the Internet told her so. Because if its on the Internet IT MUST BE TRUE. Caller is probably in the process of forming a fantastic business partnership with a Nigerian prince.
.....
Caller called to flip out on me over losing a dollar on her bill payment.
Caller hung up on me before I could devise a polite way to inform her to spend the rest of the day trying to jam a fist sized ball of tinfoil up her ass with a turkey baster. However, I will continue to forge my verbal creation none the less just in case she calls back.
Ugh, 2 shifts down......2 to go. >.>
Merry Christmas, Honey
Caller ordered this:
An article of clothing that already makes me wonder if the Fashion Police have an anonymous tip line....but to make it all the better: He was ordering it for his WIFE, for Christmas.
I hope you own a comfortable couch and/or dog house, buddy.
867
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "I make COD order?"
Me: "..ok, what's your name please?"
SC: "…..uh….."
Me: "……"
SC: "……<click>"
Woot, shut out!
Butt Ransom
There was a rather odd gentlemen at 7/11 this evening. Actually, he looked somewhat familiar. I believe I've mentioned him before as the small, odd French hobo that confessed his love to me one evening and held the door open at 7/11. Well, anyway, he's back and he wants butt cheeks. I saw a girl walk out of 7/11, decline to give him change and he proceeded to attempt to smack her on the ass to which she dodged and fled.
Now I'm faced with a dilemma. Upon departing, do I pay his butt ransom or risk a spanking? I opted to risk the spank rather then reward his heiny terrorism. I quickly slinked out the door and skittered out of spank range like a school girl at a trucker bar before he could zero in.
It's Like Saying Hello
Just a heads up: The <popular hotel chain> is a terrible hotel with terrible, uncaring all male staff who may or may not be rapists and we should be completely ashamed of ourselves for ever daring to send a single woman there by herself. Who knows what could have happened to her at an branch of a major hotel chain 5 minutes from the airport with 24 hour shuttle service and clean, comfortable rooms that she refused to look at because the desk clerk was "rude" and probably a rapist because any customer service rep that acts rude is really a rapist in disguise. Just waiting for a chance to strike.
The NERVE of us.
Hardware Issues
SC: "My car was in an accident tonight so I can't make my shift tomorrow. I don't have a car."
Me: "Alright, I'll-"
SC: "I wiped out on the snow. So now I don't have a car for tomorrow."
Me: "Ok, I'll let her-"
SC: "I was coming down such and such street-"
The "I Don't Give a Rat's Ass" key seems to be mysteriously missing from my keyboard. Could we get that rectified as soon as possible, please? It would cut down on call time and really help the operators out. Thanks!
Kara's Customers...
SC: "What does business day mean?"
Me: "That's any day of the week except the weekends."
SC: "Oh, but I did pay on a business day! I paid it on Friday!"
Me: "Ok, around what time?"
SC: "…uh…..4am….......Saturday morning."
Ah yes, that one moment when the fact you're a complete idiot slowly dawns on you. It is a rare, precious moment and I myself can only hope to bear witness to it perhaps once a year if I am lucky. Wait, let me get my camera so that I may capture this moment for all time.
Don't wipe your chin, the dribble adds to the effect.
Proverbs
Me: "The office gets back in, in an hour."
SC: "Oh, so when should I call to reach them?"
Me: "….in an hour."
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot slam his face repeatedly into it until he actually listens to you when you talk and comprehends what basic information you were trying to impart.
<sob>
Me: "and the message please?"
SC: "I'm not sure."
How can you not be sure? Wasn't this the entire point? Wasn't this the objective of our long, arduous journey together? How can you lead me all this way then just disappoint me! I was so looking forward to our message together. We came all this way for nothing! I hope you're happy now, jerk! <runs out of room crying>
Prefix
( Keep in mind she's calling at 3am to ask when her cable bill will process.... )
SC: "Ya I was at one of ya'lls machines-"
I've come to the conclusion that "One of ya'lls machines" is a prefix for "Brace yourself, I'm about to say something fantastically retarded that may come as a staggering blow to anyone with an intellect beyond that of wet bathroom tile."
SC: "I CAN'T GO NO 4 MORE HOURS WITHOUT MA TV!"
See?
Visual Aid
SC: "The website says you have a sale on for 30-50% off on everything. Is that the number in red?"
You mean that glowing red number next to the item that says "ON SALE FOR:" before it? No, no it's not. Ignore that. We just put that there to mess with you.
A Different Approach
Me: "Are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "I don't know…"
Me: "Well, we're here for hotel bookings. So I can book you a room there if you like?"
SC: "I don't know!"
Obviously I'm going about this the wrong way…..lets try it this way: What DO you know? Once we've covered that material, which I'm sure I can comfortably fit on two post it notes with room for a doodle of a smiley face, then we can move on to the gaping void that is what you don't know. I shall attempt to fill what gaps I can. However, I'm sure my efforts will amount to little more then throwing a handful of marbles into an empty airplane hanger.
867
( After 5 minutes of listening to him dribble over the catalogue pages trying to find what he wants to order... )
SC: "Em' I takin' too long?"
Yes. Jeesus CHRIST yes you raging fscking arctic trailer park ANUS BEAST.
<cough>
However, sad as it may be, in this one instance I am paid to deceive you into thinking you are in some way shape or form important to me and thus may take as much time as you wish to select your next camo laden fashion atrocity. Thus I will continue to weave my web of lies with none the wiser.
867
SC: "But that's too big fer ma head…"
Yes, I somehow get the impression many things are.
Butt Ransom 2
Creepy French Butt Spanking Love Hobo was at 7/11…..again. But I have already spurned him twice so he did not confess his love to me this evening. It seems the magic has gone out of our relationship and all that is left is a dark, bitter void. Still, he did once again demand a 50 cent ransom in exchange for not being spanked. He did not actually imply the spanking but I could hear the underlaying threat to my hind quarters in his voice. Thus, like any real man would do, I quickly fled. He's small and wiry, but unwilling to leave his hunting grounds. So I only need to make it 10 feet or so to ensure the safety of my heiny.
@Work
Me: "Ok, do you have a customer id number?"
SC: "Oh, no. I'M AT WORK RIGHT NOW!"
ME TOO! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
Me: "and your postal code please?"
SC: "Oh, I'm not sure, I'm tired. Been WORKING TOO LONG!"
REALLY? ME TOO! PERHAPS WE CAN FORM A FANCLUB? WE COULD HAVE MATCHING UNIFORMS WITH CUTE LITTLE PLAID SKIRTS AND KNEE HIGHS.
PS. I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE IN A HOUSE FIRE.
867
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "…uh…..<company>?"
Me: "Yes, can I help you?"
SC: "…um…..ok…….uh……um…."
Me: "….."
SC: "Do you anythin' on sale fer kids like age 1-2?"
Me: "Do you have one of our catalogues there?"
SC: "Yeah, but I don't see anything….."
( That would be my point. )
Me: "We don't carry anything for children, sorry."
SC: "Oh, uh……..well….I thought it was important at this time fer ma kids."
Considering its 2am, you would be the only one. Actually, let me help you out. Maybe I can find you a number to a company that does carry kid's cloths. Your children definitely deserve some sort of apology gift or at least a sympathy card for the genes you passed onto them. Hallmark must have a card for that. They have a card for everything. You know, like a "Sorry I'm a drunken failure that had unprotected sex with a hambeast at a truck stop" card.
Antiskip
Me: "Good evening, <company>-"
SC: "umm…..yeah…..…….yeah………..yeah……….."
You know, most cd players came with anti-skip technology these days. Perhaps we can apply this technological advancement to your brain somehow. I know it doesn't sound like the parts would be…..compatible…..however, I do have a bread knife and a screwdriver here that are willing and able to find out. If you could just sit down and lean back we can get started.
Hmm....nope.
Me:: "Good evening, you're paging <client> with <company>"
SC: "…is this American Girl?"
While I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. So I did check my birth certificate and quickly checked down the front of my pants and no, no it's not, sorry.
IT MUST BE TRUE
Caller was under the impression she could die in a matter of hours from a sore jaw because the Internet told her so. Because if its on the Internet IT MUST BE TRUE. Caller is probably in the process of forming a fantastic business partnership with a Nigerian prince.
.....
Caller called to flip out on me over losing a dollar on her bill payment.
Caller hung up on me before I could devise a polite way to inform her to spend the rest of the day trying to jam a fist sized ball of tinfoil up her ass with a turkey baster. However, I will continue to forge my verbal creation none the less just in case she calls back.
Ugh, 2 shifts down......2 to go. >.>
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