Tweet
This two jobs thing is kind of a blessing and a curse. On one hand, the extra income is awesome. However, I have a couple of days a week where I work both jobs, which means I work 18 hours in a day. Ouch. Although, I lost 7 pounds this week alone, so whether it's lifting/stocking/loading hundreds of pounds of crap all night or lack of sleep, but I'm getting a head start on working off the extra weight from indulging in all the holiday treats. But, carrying around dirty boxes all night (what the hell goes on in the distribution center anyway?) is murder on my hands. My fingertips are dry and splitting, not even my beloved Bath and Body Works Cinnamon Bun Heaven lotion can save them 
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Duh
DLR: Dealer
SUP: my boss
Stage One: Grocery
EWWWWWW!
As I went about my after hours routine of stocking the shelves the other night, I came across a styrofoam coffee cup sitting on a shelf. No biggie, the old guys on night crew leave them laying around all the time. So the store is about to open and I grab the cup to get rid of it, and to my horror it does not contain coffee. It's half full of someone's freaking spit and chewing tobacco. No one on the crew chews, so it was clearly left by some inconsiderate customer. That's okay. Leave your disgusting tobaccy juice laying around. I'll have the last laugh when you get cancer and have your jaw removed.
Yesss, Precioussss
I found someone's grocery list last night. I read it and they had "Ritzes." Delicious Ritzes, for the precious. With fishes.
Do Not Cut
"Do Not Cut Box," "Do Not Open With Box Knife," "No Cutting," and so on are the biggest jokes in Grocery. If it is possible to open it with the knife, we will use it. If it's not possible, we'll probably try anyway. The only time any actual product gets slashed is when some jackass is trying to show off.
Stage Two: Customer Care
You Are So Fired...
DLR: I have a customer here who is threatening to cancel unless he gets (PHONE) for free. You need to help him out.
ME: Sure, can I speak to him please?
SM: Hello?
ME: Hi! I understand you were looking to get a (PHONE)?
SM: Yeah, I am.
ME: Okay. I can get that for you for $XXX.XX today, but you'll be eligible for the max discount in 2 months. At that time, you'll be able to get it for $XX.XX.
SM: Oh, okay! Well, I'll just wait a couple of months then. Thanks.
ME: No problem.
DLR: Hello?
ME: Yes?
DLR: So what happened?
ME: Oh, I told him he'll be eligible for the max discount in a couple of months. He was pretty happy with that, so he's going to wait.
DLR: Look, I don't think you understand how serious this is.
ME *raised eyebrow*: Reeeally?
DLR: I have a very valuable customer here who is about to walk out and go activate with (COMPETITOR) unless you give him the discount now.
ME: Is that so? Well, he seemed to find my information to be satisfactory.
DLR: Well, my store manager is standing right here, and so is my District Manager. And they don't think you handled that appropriately!
ME *my best Cheshire Cat grin*: You don't say? Too bad they have no authority over me.
DLR: So you aren't going to give him the discount now?
ME: Not until February.
DLR: Let me talk to your supervisor!
ME: *snicker* Seriously?
DLR: GET ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!
ME: O...kay.....
*HOLD*
ME: You are going to LOVE this.
SUP: We'll see about that.
ME: I have a dealer who is demanding to talk to you.
SUP: Uh, he knows it's against policy for him to do that, right?
ME: I dunno. But he says his manager and DM are right there and don't agree with me for the price of a phone.
SUP: So, why doesn't the DM exocise his ability to do whatever he wants?
ME: Because if the store manager or the DM is there, I'm the queen of France.
My sup had this guy slammed in about 2 minutes. She asked why the guy didn't just have his manager or DM override the price, and before he could respond, she asked him if he was aware that it was against policy for dealers to escalate to a sup and that it will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. The guy gave a little shriek and hung up
You Lose
ME: Hi, this is Kara. Could I just have your name please?
SW: Yes, I want to see if I can possibly blah blah blah blah......
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy there, turbo. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you couldn't possibly have been any further from the correct response to the question.
Whee
I had no less than 10 people call in stating that they will cancel if they don't get a free phone. None of them got one
National Lampoon's Asshat Vacation
Tremendously long story short, Mr Asshat has been a good little peon and earned some vacation time. So he loads up his lucky velvet Elvis and gets in his car (no doubt lovingly painted to resemble the General Lee) and goes wherever it is that members of the Asshat tribe go to take a break for the daily knuckle-drag. Oh, but a week prior to this, he got himself a warranty exchange for his phone. So on his way out the door, he puts his old phone in a box and leaves it on the porch. He calls UPS and tells them to come grab his package, then drives off to the sunset.
He returns 6 weeks later to find that the package is still sitting there. He also finds out he was charged in excess of $300 for not returning the phone to us, forcing us to buy another one from the manufacturer. He then decides that he should call in and explain how much this is not his fault. He gets grumpy with the customer service guy and says the magic word "cancel." That's where I come in.
SM: You need to take this charge off! Is not my fault they no pick it up!
ME: And I'm definitely sorry to hear that they were not able to come by to pick up the package for whatever reason. However, we did advise you to return the phone within X days of receiving the replacement to avoid the restocking fee, and-
SM: But I call them and tell them to pick it up! They don't do this, you call them and they pay fee!
ME: Unfortunately, they would not be liable for this fee.
SM: But I try to return it before I go on vacation!
ME: How soon before you left for vacation did you receive the phone?
SM: That's not important!
ME: Because you could have taken it to a UPS store to make absolutely certain it would be sent.
SM: I am busy! I do not have time!
ME: But, you were going on vacation, so I would presume...
SM: You take off this charge!
ME: I cannot do that.
SM: I hope all your company go out of business!
ME: Thank you!
SM: F*** you!
ME:
SM: *click!*
What is so damn hard about responsibility that people are unable to comprehend
it at all? You're about to leave for 6 weeks and you make no effort at all to take 5 minutes to make sure all the little crap is taken care of before you go? I guess we learned one thing from all this. That this guy lives in an area with a very low crime rate. I mean, this box sat on his porch for 6 damn weeks.
Utterly Pointless
SM: I know it's probably not your fault. I'm just wasting my time talking to you. I just wanted to bitch about it because it makes me feel better.
Great. Thanks a pantload. Although I did like how the fact that you broke your phone is "probably" not my fault. You know, cause there's always a slim possibility that I was, in fact, directly responsible for it merely by existing.
Not a Chance in Hell
Guy went over his minutes. Guy wants a credit or he'll cancel. Guy has been issued over $1800 in credits in the last few years he's been in service. Customer Service Girl puts Guy on hold and laughs. Customer Service Girl asks her SUP and shows her Guy's credit history. Customer Service Girl and SUP both laugh. Customer Service Girl asks SUP if she can suggest Guy set his phone on fire and cram it up his ass. Sideways. SUP says no. Customer Service Girl sulks. Customer Service Girl tells guy there will be no credit applied to his account. Guy's incoherent ranting is ignored by Customer Service Girl as she resumes playing DS.
And a Big "No" for this Guy Too
ME: We can exchange your phone under the warranty replacement for you.
SM: I don't want the same phone. I want (FAR BETTER, MORE EXPENSIVE PHONE).
ME: Okay, I can get that for you for $XXX.XX.
SM: I'm not paying for it! You should send it instead of this one.
ME: I'm sorry, the manufacturer's warranty only covers the same device.
SM: Either give me (OTHER PHONE) or I cancel!
ME: Then you can buy (OTHER PHONE) for $XXX.XX or we can exchange the same phone for free.
SM: Cancel my service then!
ME: Very well.
The fact that I was perfectly willing to cancel him instead of begging him not to go and giving him what he wanted infuriated him to the point of yelling and screaming random obscenities before demanding a supervisor. This also got him nowhere.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Duh
DLR: Dealer
SUP: my boss
Stage One: Grocery
EWWWWWW!
As I went about my after hours routine of stocking the shelves the other night, I came across a styrofoam coffee cup sitting on a shelf. No biggie, the old guys on night crew leave them laying around all the time. So the store is about to open and I grab the cup to get rid of it, and to my horror it does not contain coffee. It's half full of someone's freaking spit and chewing tobacco. No one on the crew chews, so it was clearly left by some inconsiderate customer. That's okay. Leave your disgusting tobaccy juice laying around. I'll have the last laugh when you get cancer and have your jaw removed.
Yesss, Precioussss
I found someone's grocery list last night. I read it and they had "Ritzes." Delicious Ritzes, for the precious. With fishes.
Do Not Cut
"Do Not Cut Box," "Do Not Open With Box Knife," "No Cutting," and so on are the biggest jokes in Grocery. If it is possible to open it with the knife, we will use it. If it's not possible, we'll probably try anyway. The only time any actual product gets slashed is when some jackass is trying to show off.
Stage Two: Customer Care
You Are So Fired...
DLR: I have a customer here who is threatening to cancel unless he gets (PHONE) for free. You need to help him out.
ME: Sure, can I speak to him please?
SM: Hello?
ME: Hi! I understand you were looking to get a (PHONE)?
SM: Yeah, I am.
ME: Okay. I can get that for you for $XXX.XX today, but you'll be eligible for the max discount in 2 months. At that time, you'll be able to get it for $XX.XX.
SM: Oh, okay! Well, I'll just wait a couple of months then. Thanks.
ME: No problem.
DLR: Hello?
ME: Yes?
DLR: So what happened?
ME: Oh, I told him he'll be eligible for the max discount in a couple of months. He was pretty happy with that, so he's going to wait.
DLR: Look, I don't think you understand how serious this is.
ME *raised eyebrow*: Reeeally?
DLR: I have a very valuable customer here who is about to walk out and go activate with (COMPETITOR) unless you give him the discount now.
ME: Is that so? Well, he seemed to find my information to be satisfactory.
DLR: Well, my store manager is standing right here, and so is my District Manager. And they don't think you handled that appropriately!
ME *my best Cheshire Cat grin*: You don't say? Too bad they have no authority over me.
DLR: So you aren't going to give him the discount now?
ME: Not until February.
DLR: Let me talk to your supervisor!
ME: *snicker* Seriously?
DLR: GET ME YOUR SUPERVISOR!
ME: O...kay.....
*HOLD*
ME: You are going to LOVE this.
SUP: We'll see about that.
ME: I have a dealer who is demanding to talk to you.
SUP: Uh, he knows it's against policy for him to do that, right?
ME: I dunno. But he says his manager and DM are right there and don't agree with me for the price of a phone.
SUP: So, why doesn't the DM exocise his ability to do whatever he wants?
ME: Because if the store manager or the DM is there, I'm the queen of France.
My sup had this guy slammed in about 2 minutes. She asked why the guy didn't just have his manager or DM override the price, and before he could respond, she asked him if he was aware that it was against policy for dealers to escalate to a sup and that it will result in disciplinary action up to and including termination. The guy gave a little shriek and hung up
You Lose
ME: Hi, this is Kara. Could I just have your name please?
SW: Yes, I want to see if I can possibly blah blah blah blah......
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy there, turbo. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you couldn't possibly have been any further from the correct response to the question.
Whee
I had no less than 10 people call in stating that they will cancel if they don't get a free phone. None of them got one
National Lampoon's Asshat Vacation
Tremendously long story short, Mr Asshat has been a good little peon and earned some vacation time. So he loads up his lucky velvet Elvis and gets in his car (no doubt lovingly painted to resemble the General Lee) and goes wherever it is that members of the Asshat tribe go to take a break for the daily knuckle-drag. Oh, but a week prior to this, he got himself a warranty exchange for his phone. So on his way out the door, he puts his old phone in a box and leaves it on the porch. He calls UPS and tells them to come grab his package, then drives off to the sunset.
He returns 6 weeks later to find that the package is still sitting there. He also finds out he was charged in excess of $300 for not returning the phone to us, forcing us to buy another one from the manufacturer. He then decides that he should call in and explain how much this is not his fault. He gets grumpy with the customer service guy and says the magic word "cancel." That's where I come in.
SM: You need to take this charge off! Is not my fault they no pick it up!
ME: And I'm definitely sorry to hear that they were not able to come by to pick up the package for whatever reason. However, we did advise you to return the phone within X days of receiving the replacement to avoid the restocking fee, and-
SM: But I call them and tell them to pick it up! They don't do this, you call them and they pay fee!
ME: Unfortunately, they would not be liable for this fee.
SM: But I try to return it before I go on vacation!
ME: How soon before you left for vacation did you receive the phone?
SM: That's not important!
ME: Because you could have taken it to a UPS store to make absolutely certain it would be sent.
SM: I am busy! I do not have time!
ME: But, you were going on vacation, so I would presume...
SM: You take off this charge!
ME: I cannot do that.
SM: I hope all your company go out of business!
ME: Thank you!
SM: F*** you!
ME:
SM: *click!*
What is so damn hard about responsibility that people are unable to comprehend
it at all? You're about to leave for 6 weeks and you make no effort at all to take 5 minutes to make sure all the little crap is taken care of before you go? I guess we learned one thing from all this. That this guy lives in an area with a very low crime rate. I mean, this box sat on his porch for 6 damn weeks.
Utterly Pointless
SM: I know it's probably not your fault. I'm just wasting my time talking to you. I just wanted to bitch about it because it makes me feel better.
Great. Thanks a pantload. Although I did like how the fact that you broke your phone is "probably" not my fault. You know, cause there's always a slim possibility that I was, in fact, directly responsible for it merely by existing.
Not a Chance in Hell
Guy went over his minutes. Guy wants a credit or he'll cancel. Guy has been issued over $1800 in credits in the last few years he's been in service. Customer Service Girl puts Guy on hold and laughs. Customer Service Girl asks her SUP and shows her Guy's credit history. Customer Service Girl and SUP both laugh. Customer Service Girl asks SUP if she can suggest Guy set his phone on fire and cram it up his ass. Sideways. SUP says no. Customer Service Girl sulks. Customer Service Girl tells guy there will be no credit applied to his account. Guy's incoherent ranting is ignored by Customer Service Girl as she resumes playing DS.
And a Big "No" for this Guy Too
ME: We can exchange your phone under the warranty replacement for you.
SM: I don't want the same phone. I want (FAR BETTER, MORE EXPENSIVE PHONE).
ME: Okay, I can get that for you for $XXX.XX.
SM: I'm not paying for it! You should send it instead of this one.
ME: I'm sorry, the manufacturer's warranty only covers the same device.
SM: Either give me (OTHER PHONE) or I cancel!
ME: Then you can buy (OTHER PHONE) for $XXX.XX or we can exchange the same phone for free.
SM: Cancel my service then!
ME: Very well.
The fact that I was perfectly willing to cancel him instead of begging him not to go and giving him what he wanted infuriated him to the point of yelling and screaming random obscenities before demanding a supervisor. This also got him nowhere.
Comment