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Only 2 more months til Shift Realignment.
That's been my mantra the past week as we've been getting slammed with calls every single day. Today we only had 500 or so holding, but we had like 900 holding earlier in the week. Those figures are just within our division, not our center alone (mercifully). It's been like this ever since the last Realigment in October. It would seem whatever genius was tracking call trends to build schedules around them was an idiot. If there's any justice in the world, he's now a broke, alcoholic idiot living in a van down by the river.
But, more calls means more encounters with Phonetards, and that's what you're all really here for, isn't it? I won't let you down.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = I didn't get that nuclear warhead from Santa this year, either....
Also featuring:
CSR: Customer Care Rep
SUP: My boss
You Must Be New
CSR: Yeah, uh, I'm transferring this call to you because the customer said he was going to cancel.
ME: Okay, what's going on?
CSR: Um... Okay, his phone isn't working, and he needs a replacement. It's under warranty, there's no damage, so I was going to order and exchange. But....
ME: Uh-huh....
CSR: He... sigh... he said he'll cancel his service unless we waive the shipping fee.. Because he .... can't... afford it.
ME: *snicker* Really?
CSR: Yeah. I mean, he's got 3 lines on contract, and he's going to cancel over a $10 charge? What... Why.... That's just so stu...
ME: *stifled giggle* Go ahead and bring him on over.
I'll spare the details of the next 30 minutes of arguing with the asshat about why he has to pay shipping. Not even when I referred him to his owner's manual and he read aloud the part about how the manufacturer will allow us to replace the phone while covered by warranty, and how all charges in the repair of the device are of no responsibility of the customer, but he may be charged for shipping were enough to convince him.
I can't even remember the days when I was surprised by the depths of a customer's stupidity. Poor CSR probably won't last long with this company. If my heart were more than a cold, blackened, shriveled, empty husk, it would have gone out to him in the hopes that perhaps he would still have a shred of humanity left in him when he walked out the door. If my soul hadn't become a raging tempest of hate and bitterness, I might have even shed a tear for him.
Hear, Hear!
SM: Why should I have to troubleshoot this phone?
ME: Because we need to isolate the problem and see if it can't be fixed over the phone before we file and exchange.
SM: All we should have to do in life is pay taxes and die! We should not have to wait for (MY COMPANY)!
Far be it for me to stand in your way, my good man. You should get right on that. Quickly, you haven't a moment to lose! I'd be happy, nay, delighted, to help you with that.
My Favorite Joke
SW: This isn't customer service! You should take care of me and reward my loyalty!
ME: I'm afraid I still can't credit the valid charge for overage on your bill.
SW: But.. but... THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!
I haven't heard that one in awhile. Thank you, that never stops being funny.
Le Sigh
SW: Okay, I'm tryin ta sort dis bill out. Can you tell me how many minutes were used on this number last month?
ME: Okay. This line had XXXX minutes used last month.
SW: So dat's 486 minutes over...
ME: No, that line had 246 minutes over.
SW: No, no! See, y'all's bill is all messed up an I gotta calculate it m'self. See, each line has got 660 minutes.
ME: Actually, your 2000 minute shared plan doesn't divide the minutes between the users. It's like a pool of minutes, and-
SW: I know! But dis is how I do it!
ME: ...
SW: So's I gotta find out how much each person owes me. Now, why is there a charge of $XX.XX?
ME: That's for the 246 minutes over...
SW: But it was really 486 minutes over, so it should be $XXX.XX. Damn, why is yo bill so messed up?
ME: Ma'am, we can't make the minutes calculate to your preferences.
SW: What about da next number?
ME: It had 110 minutes over.
SW: Uh-huh. So dat shoulda been.... 300... 2... Ima never goin figure dis bill out!
That's because you are a raging assbeast. Here's an idea: Instead of devising your own brilliant formula to calculate the bill, just do it the same as the 30 million other customers I have. I feel sorry for whoever does your taxes. Actually, the whole state probably has your picture posted in every tax filing office. When they see you coming, they hit a button and all the computers and desks are lowered into the floor as tables pop up in their places. The tax people put aprons on and start brewing coffee, and they tell you that the tax place went out of business and that they're the new Starbuck's.
TOO MUCH F***ING INFO
ME: Could I have the password on your account?
SM: Oh. I have a password?
ME: Yes.
SM: Hmm. Is it (BLARG)?
ME: No, I'm afraid not.
SM: Oh. What about (BLARG)? (same password)
ME: No, that is not the password.
SM: Huh. Um, try (BLARG). (third time's a charm)
ME: No, that is still not the password. If you are not able to verify the password, I can't access your account. You can show photo ID at a retail store, and they can call in to allow access once they have verified the ID.
SM: Oh. Okay, I guess I'll put some clothes on and go to the store.
I don't know why you are naked at 3 in the afternoon, and frankly I don't care. Not only did I not need that little gem of information, I didn't want to know it. The statement would have been fine without it Are you trying to impress me? I couldn't give a rat's ass if you're naked. Thankfully, I can only endure you people's screeching, whining voices in my head. I don't have to see you, so you could be wearing nothing but a diaper and 4-inch heels for all I care.
A Loser is You
ME: Could I have your name please?
SM: Ken.
ME: And how can I help you?
SM: Yeah, I want to check my contract.
ME: I'm sorry, Ken, but I don't see you are an authorized user for this account. Under new Federal guidelines, I cannot allow you to access the account. If you would like to be added as an authorized user, you can have the billing party call in to add you.
SM: Oh, uh, I mean, my name is Ryu (name on account).
ME: Please hold.
SM: Okay.
ME: This guy said his name was Ken, then he said it was Ryu. I know he's lying, so can I deny him access to the account?
SUP: Well, we have to take his word for it. If he says that him, there's nothing we can do.
ME: But he gave a different name at first.
SUP: Yeah, it sucks, but we have to take his word for it.
ME: Okay, "Ryu," how can I help you?
SM: I want to move this line to a different account.
ME: Is the account in the same name?
SM: No.
ME (Idea!): Okay, can I have the number on the account you want to transfer it to?
SM: XXX-XXX-XXXX.
ME: *Looks at name on account. Grins with delight.* It's going to take a moment to bring up that account, please hold.
SM: Okay.
ME: HA! I got him! He gave me another number that he wants to move the lines to. It's under the name "Ken!" Now I have proof that he's bullshitting me, right?
SUP: *Looks at accounts. Smiles.* Buck 'im.
ME: "Buck 'im?" Sure thing, cowboy.
SUP: *shrug*
ME: I'm sorry, Ken, but I cannot allow you to continue to access this account.
SM: But, no, I am-
ME: You first identified yourself as Ken. Then you changed it, but you just gave me an account for "Ken." You are not authorized to access this account under FCC regulations.
SM: But, okay, it's my father's account. But he doesn't speak English.
ME: We can get translators in any language. But he will need to call us to give the permission to change ownership of the account.
SM: Can't we just do this now?
ME: You are in violation of federal law by falsifying your identity.
SM: WHA-?! *click*
SUP (had tapped in silently): Nicely done.
It wasn't even really a big deal with what he wanted to do. But I'll be damned if anyone will be able to hit me for letting a customer commit a felony.
More SC Math
SW: I need more minutes, but I ain't changing my plan!
ME: Well, ma'am, the next plan up would double your minutes, but it is $30 more.
SW: No! I don't want to pay any more than I'm paying now.
ME: Well, since you have been going over every month, you'd be saving an average of $200 a month.
SW: No! I'm not going to pay more, my kids will just have to stop using they're phones so much.
ME: We could suspend their lines temporarily. Then, when they can be more responsible, we can turn them back on.
SW: Nuh-uh. I need them to have their phones so I can call and check on them. And if they need to call me, they need their phones.
ME: Then I would strongly recommend the next rate plan. The cost is a little more, but since you won't be going over, you'll be paying far less than you have been.
SW: Sigh, I guess we'll just have to do without the phones completely. Just cancel them.
Let me get this straight. You want to save money. You want the phones, nay, require the phones to stay in touch with your children. I can arrange all of that, and save you a small fortune a year. But because it costs more, though it will effectively cost less, you're just getting rid of it. I like not being face-to-face with my customers, but sometimes I just wish I could grab them by the throats and shake the hell out of them.
Not Even Groanworthy
ME: How can I help you today?
SM: I need a new phone. My phone is old.
ME: Okay, I can-
SM: It's so old, it has a dial.
ME: .........
SM: Hello? You follow me?
ME: .........
SM: It has a dial.
I get it. It just sucks. Seems like grandpa's dream of being on Vaudeville were smashed when the trade died. Good thing, too. An icy silence is probably better than being dragged off the stage and beaten by the drunken masses.
Yeah, You Do That
ME: You can return the phone via any carrier.
SM: Well, you guys' return center is right around the corner from where I work.
ME: They don't take hand deliveries. It will have to be mailed.
SM: Yeah, well, I'll just box it up and take it there.
ME: You can, but they may not accept it.
SM: I'll just disguise myself. They take any carrier, right?
ME: Yes.
SM: Okay, I'll put on a hat and be Joe's Delivery. Heheheheheh. *click*
ME: Hey, I need your approval.
SUP: For what?
ME: *tells situation*
SUP: *shakes head*
ME: So, can I file an Incident Report? I can let them know that a suspicious person is going to be impersonating a delivery driver to take a "package" to the return center.
SUP: *hesitates*
ME: Pleeeeease?
SUP: I....
ME: *bats eyes*
SUP: No.
Fine. But I saw it. It was there. For that moment, I saw you ready to give in to temptation. I saw you about to surrender to it, to let it take you. I got to you. Now it's only a matter of time before I lure you into all-consuming darkness.
I Enjoyed This One
SW: Can you tell me how to get to my voicemail?
ME: Okay, I-
SW: I can't remember. I could look it up, but I don't want to. Cause of the tequila.
ME: *laugh* Sure, I'll help you with that.
SW: Good, cause I can't figure thish out.
ME: Well, I'll get you taken care of, so you can get back to that tequila.
SW: Blesh you!
Damn, granny. You're starting your New Year's celebration a bit early, aren't you?
TMFI - Part II
SM: Yes, I'm looking at this phone on your website, and I have a question.
ME: Okay.
SM: I want to get this for my wife. Does it vibrate?
Yeah, I know there's a perfectly acceptable reason. But dammit, that just sounded so wrong.
...
SW: How much is this phone?
ME: $139.99 with a 2 year contract.
SW: ...
ME: ...
SW: And?
ME: Annnnnd?
SW: Well, come on! Sell me on it! I want to buy it!
Yeah, I loathed Sales. That's why I got the hell out of the industry. The only sales pitch I need now is "take it or go f*** yourself."
Bah, Humbug!
SM: I need you to waive my contracts.
ME: Okay, well, I see you just renewed for 2 years in October.
SM: Yeah, I need you to take that off.
ME: I'm sorry, but the contract agreement cannot be reversed at this time.
SM: But... I can't afford the service anymore! I'm not going to cancel, it's just in case I need to.
ME: Well, we can always look at a lower plan.
SM: No, see, I want to go to (crappy small-time provider) for, like, 6 months. Then I'll come back.
ME: Well, their plan is $50 per line. Your 2 lines are on a $99.99 shared plan. So it wont be saving you anything.
SM: Yeah, but.... Please?
ME: No, I can't waive the contracts.
SM: But.... come on! It can be my Christmas present.
ME: Christmas was 4 days ago.
SM: Aw, you have to help me out here! I've been a good customer, I pay my bills on time!
ME: The contract is legally binding. I can't remove it.
SM: *chuckle* Okay, if you want to play that game.
ME: I'm not playing a game. I'm only upholding the terms that you agreed to.
SM: You know what? Fine, you just go ahead and interpret the contract literally!
ME: Yes, I will.
SM: Don't try to help the customer out! Just be a Scrooge!
Okay. If I can be "a Scrooge," I choose Scrooge McDuck. Then I can swim in my money bin. That would be awesome!
That's been my mantra the past week as we've been getting slammed with calls every single day. Today we only had 500 or so holding, but we had like 900 holding earlier in the week. Those figures are just within our division, not our center alone (mercifully). It's been like this ever since the last Realigment in October. It would seem whatever genius was tracking call trends to build schedules around them was an idiot. If there's any justice in the world, he's now a broke, alcoholic idiot living in a van down by the river.
But, more calls means more encounters with Phonetards, and that's what you're all really here for, isn't it? I won't let you down.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = I didn't get that nuclear warhead from Santa this year, either....
Also featuring:
CSR: Customer Care Rep
SUP: My boss
You Must Be New
CSR: Yeah, uh, I'm transferring this call to you because the customer said he was going to cancel.
ME: Okay, what's going on?
CSR: Um... Okay, his phone isn't working, and he needs a replacement. It's under warranty, there's no damage, so I was going to order and exchange. But....
ME: Uh-huh....
CSR: He... sigh... he said he'll cancel his service unless we waive the shipping fee.. Because he .... can't... afford it.
ME: *snicker* Really?
CSR: Yeah. I mean, he's got 3 lines on contract, and he's going to cancel over a $10 charge? What... Why.... That's just so stu...
ME: *stifled giggle* Go ahead and bring him on over.
I'll spare the details of the next 30 minutes of arguing with the asshat about why he has to pay shipping. Not even when I referred him to his owner's manual and he read aloud the part about how the manufacturer will allow us to replace the phone while covered by warranty, and how all charges in the repair of the device are of no responsibility of the customer, but he may be charged for shipping were enough to convince him.
I can't even remember the days when I was surprised by the depths of a customer's stupidity. Poor CSR probably won't last long with this company. If my heart were more than a cold, blackened, shriveled, empty husk, it would have gone out to him in the hopes that perhaps he would still have a shred of humanity left in him when he walked out the door. If my soul hadn't become a raging tempest of hate and bitterness, I might have even shed a tear for him.
Hear, Hear!
SM: Why should I have to troubleshoot this phone?
ME: Because we need to isolate the problem and see if it can't be fixed over the phone before we file and exchange.
SM: All we should have to do in life is pay taxes and die! We should not have to wait for (MY COMPANY)!
Far be it for me to stand in your way, my good man. You should get right on that. Quickly, you haven't a moment to lose! I'd be happy, nay, delighted, to help you with that.
My Favorite Joke
SW: This isn't customer service! You should take care of me and reward my loyalty!
ME: I'm afraid I still can't credit the valid charge for overage on your bill.
SW: But.. but... THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!
I haven't heard that one in awhile. Thank you, that never stops being funny.
Le Sigh
SW: Okay, I'm tryin ta sort dis bill out. Can you tell me how many minutes were used on this number last month?
ME: Okay. This line had XXXX minutes used last month.
SW: So dat's 486 minutes over...
ME: No, that line had 246 minutes over.
SW: No, no! See, y'all's bill is all messed up an I gotta calculate it m'self. See, each line has got 660 minutes.
ME: Actually, your 2000 minute shared plan doesn't divide the minutes between the users. It's like a pool of minutes, and-
SW: I know! But dis is how I do it!
ME: ...
SW: So's I gotta find out how much each person owes me. Now, why is there a charge of $XX.XX?
ME: That's for the 246 minutes over...
SW: But it was really 486 minutes over, so it should be $XXX.XX. Damn, why is yo bill so messed up?
ME: Ma'am, we can't make the minutes calculate to your preferences.
SW: What about da next number?
ME: It had 110 minutes over.
SW: Uh-huh. So dat shoulda been.... 300... 2... Ima never goin figure dis bill out!
That's because you are a raging assbeast. Here's an idea: Instead of devising your own brilliant formula to calculate the bill, just do it the same as the 30 million other customers I have. I feel sorry for whoever does your taxes. Actually, the whole state probably has your picture posted in every tax filing office. When they see you coming, they hit a button and all the computers and desks are lowered into the floor as tables pop up in their places. The tax people put aprons on and start brewing coffee, and they tell you that the tax place went out of business and that they're the new Starbuck's.
TOO MUCH F***ING INFO
ME: Could I have the password on your account?
SM: Oh. I have a password?
ME: Yes.
SM: Hmm. Is it (BLARG)?
ME: No, I'm afraid not.
SM: Oh. What about (BLARG)? (same password)
ME: No, that is not the password.
SM: Huh. Um, try (BLARG). (third time's a charm)
ME: No, that is still not the password. If you are not able to verify the password, I can't access your account. You can show photo ID at a retail store, and they can call in to allow access once they have verified the ID.
SM: Oh. Okay, I guess I'll put some clothes on and go to the store.
I don't know why you are naked at 3 in the afternoon, and frankly I don't care. Not only did I not need that little gem of information, I didn't want to know it. The statement would have been fine without it Are you trying to impress me? I couldn't give a rat's ass if you're naked. Thankfully, I can only endure you people's screeching, whining voices in my head. I don't have to see you, so you could be wearing nothing but a diaper and 4-inch heels for all I care.
A Loser is You
ME: Could I have your name please?
SM: Ken.
ME: And how can I help you?
SM: Yeah, I want to check my contract.
ME: I'm sorry, Ken, but I don't see you are an authorized user for this account. Under new Federal guidelines, I cannot allow you to access the account. If you would like to be added as an authorized user, you can have the billing party call in to add you.
SM: Oh, uh, I mean, my name is Ryu (name on account).
ME: Please hold.
SM: Okay.
ME: This guy said his name was Ken, then he said it was Ryu. I know he's lying, so can I deny him access to the account?
SUP: Well, we have to take his word for it. If he says that him, there's nothing we can do.
ME: But he gave a different name at first.
SUP: Yeah, it sucks, but we have to take his word for it.
ME: Okay, "Ryu," how can I help you?
SM: I want to move this line to a different account.
ME: Is the account in the same name?
SM: No.
ME (Idea!): Okay, can I have the number on the account you want to transfer it to?
SM: XXX-XXX-XXXX.
ME: *Looks at name on account. Grins with delight.* It's going to take a moment to bring up that account, please hold.
SM: Okay.
ME: HA! I got him! He gave me another number that he wants to move the lines to. It's under the name "Ken!" Now I have proof that he's bullshitting me, right?
SUP: *Looks at accounts. Smiles.* Buck 'im.
ME: "Buck 'im?" Sure thing, cowboy.
SUP: *shrug*
ME: I'm sorry, Ken, but I cannot allow you to continue to access this account.
SM: But, no, I am-
ME: You first identified yourself as Ken. Then you changed it, but you just gave me an account for "Ken." You are not authorized to access this account under FCC regulations.
SM: But, okay, it's my father's account. But he doesn't speak English.
ME: We can get translators in any language. But he will need to call us to give the permission to change ownership of the account.
SM: Can't we just do this now?
ME: You are in violation of federal law by falsifying your identity.
SM: WHA-?! *click*
SUP (had tapped in silently): Nicely done.
It wasn't even really a big deal with what he wanted to do. But I'll be damned if anyone will be able to hit me for letting a customer commit a felony.
More SC Math
SW: I need more minutes, but I ain't changing my plan!
ME: Well, ma'am, the next plan up would double your minutes, but it is $30 more.
SW: No! I don't want to pay any more than I'm paying now.
ME: Well, since you have been going over every month, you'd be saving an average of $200 a month.
SW: No! I'm not going to pay more, my kids will just have to stop using they're phones so much.
ME: We could suspend their lines temporarily. Then, when they can be more responsible, we can turn them back on.
SW: Nuh-uh. I need them to have their phones so I can call and check on them. And if they need to call me, they need their phones.
ME: Then I would strongly recommend the next rate plan. The cost is a little more, but since you won't be going over, you'll be paying far less than you have been.
SW: Sigh, I guess we'll just have to do without the phones completely. Just cancel them.
Let me get this straight. You want to save money. You want the phones, nay, require the phones to stay in touch with your children. I can arrange all of that, and save you a small fortune a year. But because it costs more, though it will effectively cost less, you're just getting rid of it. I like not being face-to-face with my customers, but sometimes I just wish I could grab them by the throats and shake the hell out of them.
Not Even Groanworthy
ME: How can I help you today?
SM: I need a new phone. My phone is old.
ME: Okay, I can-
SM: It's so old, it has a dial.
ME: .........
SM: Hello? You follow me?
ME: .........
SM: It has a dial.
I get it. It just sucks. Seems like grandpa's dream of being on Vaudeville were smashed when the trade died. Good thing, too. An icy silence is probably better than being dragged off the stage and beaten by the drunken masses.
Yeah, You Do That
ME: You can return the phone via any carrier.
SM: Well, you guys' return center is right around the corner from where I work.
ME: They don't take hand deliveries. It will have to be mailed.
SM: Yeah, well, I'll just box it up and take it there.
ME: You can, but they may not accept it.
SM: I'll just disguise myself. They take any carrier, right?
ME: Yes.
SM: Okay, I'll put on a hat and be Joe's Delivery. Heheheheheh. *click*
ME: Hey, I need your approval.
SUP: For what?
ME: *tells situation*
SUP: *shakes head*
ME: So, can I file an Incident Report? I can let them know that a suspicious person is going to be impersonating a delivery driver to take a "package" to the return center.
SUP: *hesitates*
ME: Pleeeeease?
SUP: I....
ME: *bats eyes*
SUP: No.
Fine. But I saw it. It was there. For that moment, I saw you ready to give in to temptation. I saw you about to surrender to it, to let it take you. I got to you. Now it's only a matter of time before I lure you into all-consuming darkness.
I Enjoyed This One
SW: Can you tell me how to get to my voicemail?
ME: Okay, I-
SW: I can't remember. I could look it up, but I don't want to. Cause of the tequila.
ME: *laugh* Sure, I'll help you with that.
SW: Good, cause I can't figure thish out.
ME: Well, I'll get you taken care of, so you can get back to that tequila.
SW: Blesh you!
Damn, granny. You're starting your New Year's celebration a bit early, aren't you?
TMFI - Part II
SM: Yes, I'm looking at this phone on your website, and I have a question.
ME: Okay.
SM: I want to get this for my wife. Does it vibrate?
Yeah, I know there's a perfectly acceptable reason. But dammit, that just sounded so wrong.
...
SW: How much is this phone?
ME: $139.99 with a 2 year contract.
SW: ...
ME: ...
SW: And?
ME: Annnnnd?
SW: Well, come on! Sell me on it! I want to buy it!
Yeah, I loathed Sales. That's why I got the hell out of the industry. The only sales pitch I need now is "take it or go f*** yourself."
Bah, Humbug!
SM: I need you to waive my contracts.
ME: Okay, well, I see you just renewed for 2 years in October.
SM: Yeah, I need you to take that off.
ME: I'm sorry, but the contract agreement cannot be reversed at this time.
SM: But... I can't afford the service anymore! I'm not going to cancel, it's just in case I need to.
ME: Well, we can always look at a lower plan.
SM: No, see, I want to go to (crappy small-time provider) for, like, 6 months. Then I'll come back.
ME: Well, their plan is $50 per line. Your 2 lines are on a $99.99 shared plan. So it wont be saving you anything.
SM: Yeah, but.... Please?
ME: No, I can't waive the contracts.
SM: But.... come on! It can be my Christmas present.
ME: Christmas was 4 days ago.
SM: Aw, you have to help me out here! I've been a good customer, I pay my bills on time!
ME: The contract is legally binding. I can't remove it.
SM: *chuckle* Okay, if you want to play that game.
ME: I'm not playing a game. I'm only upholding the terms that you agreed to.
SM: You know what? Fine, you just go ahead and interpret the contract literally!
ME: Yes, I will.
SM: Don't try to help the customer out! Just be a Scrooge!
Okay. If I can be "a Scrooge," I choose Scrooge McDuck. Then I can swim in my money bin. That would be awesome!
As I got older though, I did wonder what kind of powers enabled him to dive through all those coins without getting stuck...hehe I used to love DuckTales...
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