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The Duchess
Lady comes up to me askng where the pepper is. I try to get more info from her. What kind of pepper does she want. Bell pepper, chile pepper, habenero. She keeps insisting that she wants pepper. I'm still figuring out what pepper she's talking about while she's screaming "THE PEPPER DAMMIT! THE PEPPER!" Okay. But what pepper?! "THE ONE NEXT TO THE SALT, YOU TWIT!" Ok. Now we've finally discovered it's for her seasoning needs. I direct her to the pepper as she mutters asshole under her breath. Finally decided to have your cook fix that pig into a meal for you, eh? Or did you kidnap the mock turtle in attempt to make soup, only he escaped leaving his shell behind? I must help this poor turtle. I shall sneak into your house to steal back the shell, only to have you confront me and speak your desire to have me for a light snack. Sorry, but I'm not edible. We shall battle where you almost have me in your pepper-induced rage, but fortunately, I shall have the last laugh as I hurl my exploding jack in the box at your head, making you sneeze yourself to death. The turtle shall be most grateful and makes me an honorary reptile. Lucky me.
White Rabbit
Appaprently I am not ringing up this "gentleman" fast enough as he keeps going, "Hurry up! I'm late! This is very important and you are making me late! I have things to do while you're taking your sweet time!" What do you mean? You're the one who wouldn't wait up! Besides, I had reasons! Oh, and Bill McGill called. He's never going down your chimney again. And he now has taken a taste to brandy so you might find your stash greatly depleted. I know you must get to that foul-hookah-smelling insect, but unfortunately, you shall be squashed like a cockroach by a giant in a top hat. I shall mourn your death for a few minutes, then move on and see if I can get this stranger to squash the caterpillar as well.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer (I mean Dee)
Twin brothers are in my line buying steaks, burgers, hot dogs, and various junk foods. Given these two extreme large sizes and the cold weather, I doubt these food items are intended for a bar-b-que. One of them turns to me and goes, "Scrawny, ain't she. You need some meat on your bones so you won't look like a skeleton. You've eaten anything yet?" Then his brother decides to add, "Doubt it. I doubt she's eaten anything in a month. You'd be pretty if you've eaten a lot more." You gross louses! I'll fill your bellies all right! And of course we all know. The bigger they are, the harder the fall. I'll have to keep using my exploding jack in the boxes before you two multiply into thousands of mini-Tweedles. Of course, I may have to have a go at you with my flamingo croquet mallet after a few boxes. But you will be brought down. And for the record, they were fighting over some rattling keychain when they went out the door.
Mad Hatter
This guy was wearing a top hat and came in buying plastic watches and tea. He kept arguing with me over the price of the tea, then tried to haggle with me. After he finally paid for his items, he left me a card with what I assume is his adress and told me to come over for some tea someday. Sorry, but I only take mine with friends. What's more, I'm perfectly aware of your evil plot to turn everyone into clock-working robots! That's why I haven't heard from the dormouse and the march hare in a while. You've taken them to do your cruel experiments. And I'm pretty sure you have the gryphon held hostage as well. It may be too late for the hare and the mouse, but I vow I will not let you have the gryphon! My ice wand shall make me victorious! And when the gryphon is free, he shall be so gratified, he'll place himself into my debt forever. Oh, the chaos I could do with a gryphon...
The Jabberwock
This idiot went in and tried to give me a guilt trip about not granting his expired coupons. Telling me to snap out of my dream land and do my job right, now you've crossed the line. Admit it! You are the jabberwock that the poem has warned about! I was sure that you were dead, but you have been resurrected (by the Mad Hatter I assume.) Your jacket is so big, I wouldn't be surprised if you were hiding your wings inside them. Why yes, as a matter of fact I am a selfish, misbegotten, unnatural child. I wonder what your first clue was. I must bring you down. I assumed that my jacks with the pointed ends on them would bring you down easily, but I only managed to get your eye as you flew away in anguish. No matter, I need your eye anyways to finish my eye staff. I shall use my new staff to aid in your downfall after you killed my partner, the gryphon. You shall terrorize no more!
The Queen of Hearts
This woman was hell the moment she walked in. And I was unfortunately, the target of her tirade. She demanded I get her cart, demanded to know where each and every item on her long shopping list was located, came into my lane and argued over the price of each and every item, demanded that I load the groceries into the cart and into her car, and accused me of stealing her sunglasses when she had forgotten that she put them on her own head. All right, I'm ending this right now before you have a chance to say "Off with her head!" I've tried to make peace with you, but no...you insist on making this hard for me. But before I can reach you, I must break into your palace and go through the mazes. May I ask why your pillars are make of some sort of red, fleshy material? How many hedge mazes must I go through, I have no idea. Oh, the queen, the queen, my lower incisors for the queen. Oh where is that wretched creature? I finally find you with the guidance of my mangy friend, though his grin is a comfort. Just as we are about to walk into the throne room, you shoot your slimy pink tentacles at my feline friend, and decapitate him! NOOOOO! I shall avenge his death! Taste blunderbuss, you foul demon!
If you wonder why I am in a padded cell lying on a rickety old bed with my white stuffed rabbit cuddled beside me, you now know why.
Lady comes up to me askng where the pepper is. I try to get more info from her. What kind of pepper does she want. Bell pepper, chile pepper, habenero. She keeps insisting that she wants pepper. I'm still figuring out what pepper she's talking about while she's screaming "THE PEPPER DAMMIT! THE PEPPER!" Okay. But what pepper?! "THE ONE NEXT TO THE SALT, YOU TWIT!" Ok. Now we've finally discovered it's for her seasoning needs. I direct her to the pepper as she mutters asshole under her breath. Finally decided to have your cook fix that pig into a meal for you, eh? Or did you kidnap the mock turtle in attempt to make soup, only he escaped leaving his shell behind? I must help this poor turtle. I shall sneak into your house to steal back the shell, only to have you confront me and speak your desire to have me for a light snack. Sorry, but I'm not edible. We shall battle where you almost have me in your pepper-induced rage, but fortunately, I shall have the last laugh as I hurl my exploding jack in the box at your head, making you sneeze yourself to death. The turtle shall be most grateful and makes me an honorary reptile. Lucky me.
White Rabbit
Appaprently I am not ringing up this "gentleman" fast enough as he keeps going, "Hurry up! I'm late! This is very important and you are making me late! I have things to do while you're taking your sweet time!" What do you mean? You're the one who wouldn't wait up! Besides, I had reasons! Oh, and Bill McGill called. He's never going down your chimney again. And he now has taken a taste to brandy so you might find your stash greatly depleted. I know you must get to that foul-hookah-smelling insect, but unfortunately, you shall be squashed like a cockroach by a giant in a top hat. I shall mourn your death for a few minutes, then move on and see if I can get this stranger to squash the caterpillar as well.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer (I mean Dee)
Twin brothers are in my line buying steaks, burgers, hot dogs, and various junk foods. Given these two extreme large sizes and the cold weather, I doubt these food items are intended for a bar-b-que. One of them turns to me and goes, "Scrawny, ain't she. You need some meat on your bones so you won't look like a skeleton. You've eaten anything yet?" Then his brother decides to add, "Doubt it. I doubt she's eaten anything in a month. You'd be pretty if you've eaten a lot more." You gross louses! I'll fill your bellies all right! And of course we all know. The bigger they are, the harder the fall. I'll have to keep using my exploding jack in the boxes before you two multiply into thousands of mini-Tweedles. Of course, I may have to have a go at you with my flamingo croquet mallet after a few boxes. But you will be brought down. And for the record, they were fighting over some rattling keychain when they went out the door.
Mad Hatter
This guy was wearing a top hat and came in buying plastic watches and tea. He kept arguing with me over the price of the tea, then tried to haggle with me. After he finally paid for his items, he left me a card with what I assume is his adress and told me to come over for some tea someday. Sorry, but I only take mine with friends. What's more, I'm perfectly aware of your evil plot to turn everyone into clock-working robots! That's why I haven't heard from the dormouse and the march hare in a while. You've taken them to do your cruel experiments. And I'm pretty sure you have the gryphon held hostage as well. It may be too late for the hare and the mouse, but I vow I will not let you have the gryphon! My ice wand shall make me victorious! And when the gryphon is free, he shall be so gratified, he'll place himself into my debt forever. Oh, the chaos I could do with a gryphon...
The Jabberwock
This idiot went in and tried to give me a guilt trip about not granting his expired coupons. Telling me to snap out of my dream land and do my job right, now you've crossed the line. Admit it! You are the jabberwock that the poem has warned about! I was sure that you were dead, but you have been resurrected (by the Mad Hatter I assume.) Your jacket is so big, I wouldn't be surprised if you were hiding your wings inside them. Why yes, as a matter of fact I am a selfish, misbegotten, unnatural child. I wonder what your first clue was. I must bring you down. I assumed that my jacks with the pointed ends on them would bring you down easily, but I only managed to get your eye as you flew away in anguish. No matter, I need your eye anyways to finish my eye staff. I shall use my new staff to aid in your downfall after you killed my partner, the gryphon. You shall terrorize no more!
The Queen of Hearts
This woman was hell the moment she walked in. And I was unfortunately, the target of her tirade. She demanded I get her cart, demanded to know where each and every item on her long shopping list was located, came into my lane and argued over the price of each and every item, demanded that I load the groceries into the cart and into her car, and accused me of stealing her sunglasses when she had forgotten that she put them on her own head. All right, I'm ending this right now before you have a chance to say "Off with her head!" I've tried to make peace with you, but no...you insist on making this hard for me. But before I can reach you, I must break into your palace and go through the mazes. May I ask why your pillars are make of some sort of red, fleshy material? How many hedge mazes must I go through, I have no idea. Oh, the queen, the queen, my lower incisors for the queen. Oh where is that wretched creature? I finally find you with the guidance of my mangy friend, though his grin is a comfort. Just as we are about to walk into the throne room, you shoot your slimy pink tentacles at my feline friend, and decapitate him! NOOOOO! I shall avenge his death! Taste blunderbuss, you foul demon!
If you wonder why I am in a padded cell lying on a rickety old bed with my white stuffed rabbit cuddled beside me, you now know why.
I sure could use that jack-in-the-box around here 
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