Tweet
Yes, you heard that right. He's shilling for one of my clients....the one that primarily serves Nunavut and its going to drive me out of my mind. I despise him to begin with, but he's pissing a foul liquid upwind into a fuckwit hurricane. Worst part is its one of those "buy x get y free" things too so its going to be my own private Hell until the promotion ends. ><
The PR pic of him we got was the lamest thing I'd ever seen in my life. But the denizens of Nunavut are lapping it up.
Options
Me: “I can put you at the <hotel> for $69”
SC: “69? What’s that?"
( A loaded question, but I behaved myself.. )
Me: “That’s the price of a room there.”
SC: “I only have like $30.”
Me: “Unfortunately, that’s the lowest rate I have.”
SC: “Can’t you do anything?!”
I can do many things. You might want to be more specific. However, I can provide you with a handy list of options and you can just pick the one that suits you best:
1) I could inform you to don your big girl panties and just sleep in the airport.
2) I could simply laugh at you and your problems. I’m kind of fond of this option.
3) If you like I could attempt to speak with a rep from your airline and see if I can convince them to point and laugh at you and your problems. That way you’d have both the audio and the visual.
4) I could string you a long on a series of helpful sounding suggestions ( Such as directing you to go to the baggage claim area and attempt to find the “desk with the red sign” ) that are ultimately pointless and see how long it takes you to catch on that I’m just jerking you around.
5) I could book you the $69 room and tell you it’s really only $30 then let you discover the fun secret when you arrive at the hotel.
6) I could book you a “$30” room and tell you need to take a cab. But then give you the address of the closet S&M shop. Shouldn’t be too hard to find one. This IS Toronto after all.
7) I could just loudly and erotically suck on my headset mic till you hang up.
8) I could give you slow, detailed instructions on how to insert your hotel voucher into your rectum.
9) I could tell you some great bomb jokes. Make sure you repeat them loudly back to me while standing near an airline representative to make sure you get them right.
10) I could guide you through constructing a makeshift shelter from drinking straws and errant copies of the Toronto Star.
I could go on but that should be enough of a selection to start with. By all means, pick one. Heck, just dribble out the number if that’s easier.
867
While you and your order were perfectly normal ( Aside from being one of the inbred backwater hickbeasts that calls me at 3am to order pants but aside from that ) there was someone in the background irrationally yelling “NO CRACKERS! NO CRACKERS!”. I’m not precisely sure why they were yelling no crackers or who they were yelling it at. Only that someone or thing was, I assume, being denied crackers and this was a grave injustice.
867
Me: “Alright, I only have that in stock in extra large at the moment.”
SC: “Oh, uh, I dunno nothin’ bout sizes. So I dunno if that’d fit.”
Me: “Ok, well-“
SC: “Mah jacket jus has two X's and an L on er."
Well, I’ll be. Even a blind, 3 legged squirrel that’s been inhaling deeply while stuck in the exhaust vent at a paint factory for the last 3 days finds a nut once in a while.
867
( This call was from the 2nd. =p )
SC: “Yeah, I placed an order way back in December and it hasn't arrived yet!”
Way back in December, eh? Yeah, that was forever ago, wasn’t it? I mean holy shit, that was like LAST YEAR!
I Hate These People
( 3am... )
SC: “I’m surprised you’re still open!”
Congratulations. You’ve made it onto my nightly list of people whom I dearly wish would be dragged naked and screaming behind a truck at high speed clinging desperately onto a piece of plywood only to have the truck turn sharply and whiplash you into a cactus farm.
Wrath of the Yuppy
Caller ranted at length, with large fencepost up his backside, about how the coat he ordered through Amazon was not up to his “standards” and how it was “made in a basement” somewhere and large enough for a “tugboat”. He wished to return said coat but would not cease his hissy fit long enough for me to give him the required information to return this badly sewn cashmere tarp he appears to have received. He was also in abject yuppie-snit disbelief that we would not refund him the shipping charges. As where he “grew up” he’s use to dealing with “good stores” that will refund the shipping charges with no questions asked if you just don’t like the item. I advised him, again, that the charges are not refundable but we do not charge restocking fees. To which he replied “Of course not, I don’t pay restocking fees anyhow.”. So he seems to be under the delusional belief these kinds of things are up to him.
It took me some time to get a word in as while I am fairly tall his nose was so far upturned I was unable to reach it on the first few jumps to get his attention.
867
Problem:
You ordered a coat. It has not yet arrived yet. You think it should have. Even though it takes 2 weeks to ship to the shivering asshole of Canada in which you live and it has only been 1 week.
Solution:
Check with customer service? Nope, too easy. Wait a few days to see if it arrives since its not even overdue yet? Nah. Just defy all logic, ignore my explanation and order the same coat again.
How to End a Relationship
Tonight I went to hold the door open for a lady at 7/11 and ended up holding the door open at 7/11 for the store clerk as she manhandled a shoplifter out. Yes, she. She’s small, but feisty. ( Just another night at 7/11 really. ) Although there wefd a couple of key points about this particular shoplifter that were of note. For example he had chosen to attempt to shoplift a blazing neon red bottle of soda….sticking halfway out of his black jacket against the background of his white shirt.
But that’s not the best part. The best part is his beet red horrible embarrassed girlfriend was right behind him. Wow. Who shoplifts on a date? Let alone shoplifts a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.
Guess he wanted to make sure they had the good stuff for tonight's romantic candle lit dinner.
867
Me: “I only have that item in Olive.”
SC: “Oh, do you have it in black?”
I really need to stop using the word “Only” as the definition of it seems to be lost on most of Nunavut and select parts of Alberta and Quebec. I should just go down the list and say I don’t have it in black, red, white, marine, teal, charcoal, concrete, titanium, flax, periwinkle, burnt lemon, raven hemmingstitch or any of the other “colours” <client> offers.
Sticking It To The Man
Helpful Tip: If you see Skytrain cops fare checking the cars, it may be a bad idea to go up to them and start lipping them off about how they never check everyone’s fare’s and how half assed a job they do. Because they will take you, march you back onto the car they just checked, make you stand in front of the class then ask everyone on the car if they checked our fare. Which will we of course reply, in unison, yes. Thus making you look like a total ass monkey in front of everyone. Then you will ride in uncomfortable silence sandwiched between two smirking Skytrain cops all the way to Broadway station.
The Joys of Temps
( We had a lottery ticket sale deadline coming up so we've been buffering our ranks with temps... )
Sooo….which temp was on under <login name> around 7:52pm yesterday? The
one that left this gem of wisdom on our client's file in the system:
"LALALA LALALALA. OLD MAN ARE NICER THEN YOUNG MAN. HOW COME NO YOUNG LADY CALL?!!?"
Mmmkay….I really want to track down the author of this literary masterpiece so that I embarrass them terribly in front of a substantial crowd.
Oh, just ignore that.
Me: “Sorry about the screaming”
Oh, no, that’s ok. Please, continue letting that woman be brutally killed by slathering wolves in the background. I completely understand. Sometimes you just can’t keep them out of the house and damned if you’re going to risk your own neck trying to save your wife from them. Better to just let them devour her and leave of their own accord. Once they’ve eaten they’re perfectly harmless and will just wander back off into the night.
867
After enduring several minutes of what sounds like a group of drunk teenage girls trying to play Mad Libs in the background the caller let loose her stunning powers of observation on them:
SC: “Yew guys R so f*ckin’ retarded~!”
Yes, and you’re the one that let them into your house.
867
Me: “Alright, will that be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Huh? Can’t I pay by cash?”
Me: “..yes, COD, Cash on Delivery.”
SC: “Oh, ok.”
Me: “It should take about two weeks to arrive.”
SC: “Wha!? Where do I pick it up then?!”
Me: “…at the post office.”
SC: “….oh….uh….”
Me: “They’ll send you a little card letting you know it’s there then you can go in and pay for it at the post office.”
SC: “Oh.......k”
Considering you weren’t aware of what COD was let alone the concept of “mail” it really makes me wonder how you thought this all worked before you called. I can’t help but picture you standing there, slouched over to the point where your knuckles threaten the carpet, desperately trying to stuff a $20 into the mouthpiece of the phone receiver.
Its Not a Matter of Effort
Me: "and you're address please?"
SC: ".....um.....uh........."
Me: "......."
SC: “I’m not trying to be dense, honest!”
Most people who are dense aren’t trying to be. It’s more of a natural ability. Taking that into consideration: You, my friend, are gifted.
.......
….did you…just HISS at me? Alrighty then....
Granville Street
Guy 1: “I feel bad. Come on man, I’ll buy ya some drinks.”
Guy 2: “I don’t want drinks! I wanna wear a shirt!”
No, I have absolutely no idea what they were talking about either and despite my curiosity, I think they’d have noticed if I stopped to stare at them for a minute. I did however note that the Guy #2 was already wearing a shirt.
Useless Field Techs
( He's suppose to respond within 15 minutes. )
Ok, so first you take an hour and a half to respond to my pages. By which time I have 4 outstanding emergency calls for you. Then when you finally do call in you write the info down very very slowly. Know what? My naked on plywood behind a speeding truck veering into a cactus farm list? You’re on it. Take off your pants and on the board. It'll take a minute for the truck to warm up.
Fun with Geography
Me: “Is this a North Atlantic location?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, what city?”
SC: “Carlyle, Saskatchewan”
…..ok, I am a generous person and was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, perhaps while I was at work the very land mass of Canada had brutally shifted in the night carving through it new rivers and mountains while simultaneous destroying people’s homes and lives with the angry fist of nature. But, when I went to check Google Maps assured me that Saskatchewan is still, ironically, no where near the Atlantic.
The Joy of Temps 2
Can we please send a note to <temp company> to ask them to ensure their temps don't stand around in our breakroom vigorously scratching their ballsack while reading our bulletin board? It's really not what I want to see when I first arrive at the office.
867
Your hat cost $40. Your shipping cost $40. You saw no flaw with this equation. I can only assume being “down wif it, yo” with the “Real Slim Shady” is a state of being held in such reverence in the barren, frigid arsehole of Nunavut that it is worth any price to attain.
The Joys of Temps 3
Does <temp company> charge us extra if I end the life of one of their employees? I just wanted to check and make sure first. I mean I'm pretty easy going at work and all but the quivering dick weevil they've sent us is over there listening to gangsta rap on his iPod with the headpones on UNDER his headset....at a volume that's insuring I can make out the words clearly from 20 feet away.
So I just want to make sure they have him insured or something before I go choke him to death with his headset cord while he flails in desperate terror.
867
Ok….you ordered 5 pairs of pants ( par for the course up there ) then you placed a second order for 4 pairs of pants. The first order was for yourself and the second for your husband and/or brother in the background. You both have the same phone number, same last name and same address. Yet you insisted on two separate orders thus ensuring you were charged an additional $40 to ship the pants to Crusty Moosehole, Nunavut. This defies logic. You cannot even use the real Slimy Shady as an excuse this time.
Right-o
Caller threatened to report me to his local MLA ( This is sort of like a congressmen for you yanks ) if I did not “turn the lights off.”. I’m not sure which lights these are but they are “very bright”. Was unable to determine if caller was being abducted by aliens or simply hung over. I left this call baffled and confused with the reassurance that some MLA somewhere will be hearing of the injustice I helped propagate.
<sigh> I fear next week.
The PR pic of him we got was the lamest thing I'd ever seen in my life. But the denizens of Nunavut are lapping it up.
Options
Me: “I can put you at the <hotel> for $69”
SC: “69? What’s that?"
( A loaded question, but I behaved myself.. )
Me: “That’s the price of a room there.”
SC: “I only have like $30.”
Me: “Unfortunately, that’s the lowest rate I have.”
SC: “Can’t you do anything?!”
I can do many things. You might want to be more specific. However, I can provide you with a handy list of options and you can just pick the one that suits you best:
1) I could inform you to don your big girl panties and just sleep in the airport.
2) I could simply laugh at you and your problems. I’m kind of fond of this option.
3) If you like I could attempt to speak with a rep from your airline and see if I can convince them to point and laugh at you and your problems. That way you’d have both the audio and the visual.
4) I could string you a long on a series of helpful sounding suggestions ( Such as directing you to go to the baggage claim area and attempt to find the “desk with the red sign” ) that are ultimately pointless and see how long it takes you to catch on that I’m just jerking you around.
5) I could book you the $69 room and tell you it’s really only $30 then let you discover the fun secret when you arrive at the hotel.
6) I could book you a “$30” room and tell you need to take a cab. But then give you the address of the closet S&M shop. Shouldn’t be too hard to find one. This IS Toronto after all.
7) I could just loudly and erotically suck on my headset mic till you hang up.
8) I could give you slow, detailed instructions on how to insert your hotel voucher into your rectum.
9) I could tell you some great bomb jokes. Make sure you repeat them loudly back to me while standing near an airline representative to make sure you get them right.
10) I could guide you through constructing a makeshift shelter from drinking straws and errant copies of the Toronto Star.
I could go on but that should be enough of a selection to start with. By all means, pick one. Heck, just dribble out the number if that’s easier.
867
While you and your order were perfectly normal ( Aside from being one of the inbred backwater hickbeasts that calls me at 3am to order pants but aside from that ) there was someone in the background irrationally yelling “NO CRACKERS! NO CRACKERS!”. I’m not precisely sure why they were yelling no crackers or who they were yelling it at. Only that someone or thing was, I assume, being denied crackers and this was a grave injustice.
867
Me: “Alright, I only have that in stock in extra large at the moment.”
SC: “Oh, uh, I dunno nothin’ bout sizes. So I dunno if that’d fit.”
Me: “Ok, well-“
SC: “Mah jacket jus has two X's and an L on er."
Well, I’ll be. Even a blind, 3 legged squirrel that’s been inhaling deeply while stuck in the exhaust vent at a paint factory for the last 3 days finds a nut once in a while.
867
( This call was from the 2nd. =p )
SC: “Yeah, I placed an order way back in December and it hasn't arrived yet!”
Way back in December, eh? Yeah, that was forever ago, wasn’t it? I mean holy shit, that was like LAST YEAR!
I Hate These People
( 3am... )
SC: “I’m surprised you’re still open!”
Congratulations. You’ve made it onto my nightly list of people whom I dearly wish would be dragged naked and screaming behind a truck at high speed clinging desperately onto a piece of plywood only to have the truck turn sharply and whiplash you into a cactus farm.
Wrath of the Yuppy
Caller ranted at length, with large fencepost up his backside, about how the coat he ordered through Amazon was not up to his “standards” and how it was “made in a basement” somewhere and large enough for a “tugboat”. He wished to return said coat but would not cease his hissy fit long enough for me to give him the required information to return this badly sewn cashmere tarp he appears to have received. He was also in abject yuppie-snit disbelief that we would not refund him the shipping charges. As where he “grew up” he’s use to dealing with “good stores” that will refund the shipping charges with no questions asked if you just don’t like the item. I advised him, again, that the charges are not refundable but we do not charge restocking fees. To which he replied “Of course not, I don’t pay restocking fees anyhow.”. So he seems to be under the delusional belief these kinds of things are up to him.
It took me some time to get a word in as while I am fairly tall his nose was so far upturned I was unable to reach it on the first few jumps to get his attention.
867
Problem:
You ordered a coat. It has not yet arrived yet. You think it should have. Even though it takes 2 weeks to ship to the shivering asshole of Canada in which you live and it has only been 1 week.
Solution:
Check with customer service? Nope, too easy. Wait a few days to see if it arrives since its not even overdue yet? Nah. Just defy all logic, ignore my explanation and order the same coat again.
How to End a Relationship
Tonight I went to hold the door open for a lady at 7/11 and ended up holding the door open at 7/11 for the store clerk as she manhandled a shoplifter out. Yes, she. She’s small, but feisty. ( Just another night at 7/11 really. ) Although there wefd a couple of key points about this particular shoplifter that were of note. For example he had chosen to attempt to shoplift a blazing neon red bottle of soda….sticking halfway out of his black jacket against the background of his white shirt.
But that’s not the best part. The best part is his beet red horrible embarrassed girlfriend was right behind him. Wow. Who shoplifts on a date? Let alone shoplifts a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.
Guess he wanted to make sure they had the good stuff for tonight's romantic candle lit dinner.
867
Me: “I only have that item in Olive.”
SC: “Oh, do you have it in black?”
I really need to stop using the word “Only” as the definition of it seems to be lost on most of Nunavut and select parts of Alberta and Quebec. I should just go down the list and say I don’t have it in black, red, white, marine, teal, charcoal, concrete, titanium, flax, periwinkle, burnt lemon, raven hemmingstitch or any of the other “colours” <client> offers.
Sticking It To The Man
Helpful Tip: If you see Skytrain cops fare checking the cars, it may be a bad idea to go up to them and start lipping them off about how they never check everyone’s fare’s and how half assed a job they do. Because they will take you, march you back onto the car they just checked, make you stand in front of the class then ask everyone on the car if they checked our fare. Which will we of course reply, in unison, yes. Thus making you look like a total ass monkey in front of everyone. Then you will ride in uncomfortable silence sandwiched between two smirking Skytrain cops all the way to Broadway station.
The Joys of Temps
( We had a lottery ticket sale deadline coming up so we've been buffering our ranks with temps... )
Sooo….which temp was on under <login name> around 7:52pm yesterday? The
one that left this gem of wisdom on our client's file in the system:
"LALALA LALALALA. OLD MAN ARE NICER THEN YOUNG MAN. HOW COME NO YOUNG LADY CALL?!!?"
Mmmkay….I really want to track down the author of this literary masterpiece so that I embarrass them terribly in front of a substantial crowd.
Oh, just ignore that.
Me: “Sorry about the screaming”
Oh, no, that’s ok. Please, continue letting that woman be brutally killed by slathering wolves in the background. I completely understand. Sometimes you just can’t keep them out of the house and damned if you’re going to risk your own neck trying to save your wife from them. Better to just let them devour her and leave of their own accord. Once they’ve eaten they’re perfectly harmless and will just wander back off into the night.
867
After enduring several minutes of what sounds like a group of drunk teenage girls trying to play Mad Libs in the background the caller let loose her stunning powers of observation on them:
SC: “Yew guys R so f*ckin’ retarded~!”
Yes, and you’re the one that let them into your house.
867
Me: “Alright, will that be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Huh? Can’t I pay by cash?”
Me: “..yes, COD, Cash on Delivery.”
SC: “Oh, ok.”
Me: “It should take about two weeks to arrive.”
SC: “Wha!? Where do I pick it up then?!”
Me: “…at the post office.”
SC: “….oh….uh….”
Me: “They’ll send you a little card letting you know it’s there then you can go in and pay for it at the post office.”
SC: “Oh.......k”
Considering you weren’t aware of what COD was let alone the concept of “mail” it really makes me wonder how you thought this all worked before you called. I can’t help but picture you standing there, slouched over to the point where your knuckles threaten the carpet, desperately trying to stuff a $20 into the mouthpiece of the phone receiver.
Its Not a Matter of Effort
Me: "and you're address please?"
SC: ".....um.....uh........."
Me: "......."
SC: “I’m not trying to be dense, honest!”
Most people who are dense aren’t trying to be. It’s more of a natural ability. Taking that into consideration: You, my friend, are gifted.
.......
….did you…just HISS at me? Alrighty then....
Granville Street
Guy 1: “I feel bad. Come on man, I’ll buy ya some drinks.”
Guy 2: “I don’t want drinks! I wanna wear a shirt!”
No, I have absolutely no idea what they were talking about either and despite my curiosity, I think they’d have noticed if I stopped to stare at them for a minute. I did however note that the Guy #2 was already wearing a shirt.
Useless Field Techs
( He's suppose to respond within 15 minutes. )
Ok, so first you take an hour and a half to respond to my pages. By which time I have 4 outstanding emergency calls for you. Then when you finally do call in you write the info down very very slowly. Know what? My naked on plywood behind a speeding truck veering into a cactus farm list? You’re on it. Take off your pants and on the board. It'll take a minute for the truck to warm up.
Fun with Geography
Me: “Is this a North Atlantic location?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, what city?”
SC: “Carlyle, Saskatchewan”
…..ok, I am a generous person and was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, perhaps while I was at work the very land mass of Canada had brutally shifted in the night carving through it new rivers and mountains while simultaneous destroying people’s homes and lives with the angry fist of nature. But, when I went to check Google Maps assured me that Saskatchewan is still, ironically, no where near the Atlantic.
The Joy of Temps 2
Can we please send a note to <temp company> to ask them to ensure their temps don't stand around in our breakroom vigorously scratching their ballsack while reading our bulletin board? It's really not what I want to see when I first arrive at the office.
867
Your hat cost $40. Your shipping cost $40. You saw no flaw with this equation. I can only assume being “down wif it, yo” with the “Real Slim Shady” is a state of being held in such reverence in the barren, frigid arsehole of Nunavut that it is worth any price to attain.
The Joys of Temps 3
Does <temp company> charge us extra if I end the life of one of their employees? I just wanted to check and make sure first. I mean I'm pretty easy going at work and all but the quivering dick weevil they've sent us is over there listening to gangsta rap on his iPod with the headpones on UNDER his headset....at a volume that's insuring I can make out the words clearly from 20 feet away.
So I just want to make sure they have him insured or something before I go choke him to death with his headset cord while he flails in desperate terror.
867
Ok….you ordered 5 pairs of pants ( par for the course up there ) then you placed a second order for 4 pairs of pants. The first order was for yourself and the second for your husband and/or brother in the background. You both have the same phone number, same last name and same address. Yet you insisted on two separate orders thus ensuring you were charged an additional $40 to ship the pants to Crusty Moosehole, Nunavut. This defies logic. You cannot even use the real Slimy Shady as an excuse this time.
Right-o
Caller threatened to report me to his local MLA ( This is sort of like a congressmen for you yanks ) if I did not “turn the lights off.”. I’m not sure which lights these are but they are “very bright”. Was unable to determine if caller was being abducted by aliens or simply hung over. I left this call baffled and confused with the reassurance that some MLA somewhere will be hearing of the injustice I helped propagate.
<sigh> I fear next week.
For a HAT?
Comment