SC's Guide to Supermarket Shopping

[BusBus]

Primer ducks the flying eggs!

...which he pulled from the bottom of his grocery bag.....

*ducks flying squished bread*

[Binky]

130: Remember, our soul purpose in life is to serve you, no matter WHERE we are (including being in another store that is, on the other side of the world, in another state, not the store we work for or not even CLOSE to the shop we work in), what clothes we are wearing, if we are on our lunch break and sitting in a food court/cafe. You are ALWAYS allowed to ask us questions about items you want to buy, and demand that we serve you NOW...it's our purpose in life why shouldn't you have that right?
130 b: If we refuse you service when not in our store/uniform/on lunch break...complain to the manager and demand that we be fired at once for not serving you! YOU ARE GOD!
131: Those disabled spots are really for everyone, you can park there if you want, the pictures only there to make the spot look perty! Don't let anyone tell you other wise!
132: Of course we can give you a free xbox/playstation 2/psp when we are out, we have a stash up our butts at all times for just such and occasion, so will always have what you want when you want it
133: if we refuse to get said items from our rectum, complain to manager and have them remove it for you! You should always get what you want when you want it and should not be forced to go to another store that has it in stock!
134: Feel free to make us prossess your photos on the self-serve machines, why should you be made to do it???
135: If we refuse to prossess your photos on the self-serve machines, make sure you ask us a question every 5 seconds! After all, there is no one else as important as you in the world, who cares about the other million people they are trying to serve at that exact time!
136: Don't worry if we are talking to another customer, remember you are god, they HAVE to stop serving that customer the instant you need us, even if they haven't finished! YOUR GOD! YOU MUST BE SERVED NOW!!
137: If the server fails to comply with the rule above have the fired!

[Binky]

138: Of course we will serve you, all you need to do is stand at the end of an isle, and don't worry about flagging us down or making any indication that you actually NEED help, we have the special ability to read your thoughts and detect when you will need help, so we should always be there the instant you need it!
139: If we do not instantaneously appear the instant you need help, we must be ignoring you, so go and complain, we love the feedback, and want to make sure that we are always doing the right thing!
140: If we go to serve the next person in line, that is in front of you and was there first, of course we are ignoring you and avoiding serving you, that’s what we always try and do! So go and complain!
141:standing 10 metres away from the register IS lining up! We should know this! And make sure we serve you next even if there are other people waiting directly in front of the register.
142: In fact, stand where ever you want, we should know that you are next and serve you the instant we come onto our shift, we should ignore everyone else

[Becks]

143. Don't forget rule number 8, or you shall be smited by all the plagues of the world.

[Discourtesy Clerk]

144. Never forget to remind the bagger that your cold items need to go together, and your glass bottles need to be double bagged, and the cake can't be tipped over. You must be very specific about the way you want things bagged, as the typical courtesy clerk will just dump things in without looking. (See rule #8.)

145. It's perfectly acceptable to leave your empty cart at either end of the checkout, in an aisle, in the entryway, propped up on a bit of curb in the parking lot, in front of a door, in a department, by the compactor, in the compactor, or off the lot and across the street at the car wash. Courtesy clerks take great amusement in finding loose carts - it's just like an easter egg hunt, and it keeps them from being so lazy!

146. Store employees are very social, and love to get into involved discussions with every customer, so be sure to talk at length about how crappy the president is, how much you hate queers, how corporations are taking over the world, why abortion is murder, why everyone should attend your church, or how much your hemorrhoids hurt today. And they especially appreciate it when you remain at the checkstand and keep talking even after you've been rung through. The other customers have time to wait for you!

147. Cart corrals, display shelving, electric carts, railings, tables, freezers, garbage cans and restrooms are available for your child's entertainment to play with as they please. Children may also grab any item of merchandise off the shelf, and as long as you replace the empty package somewhere in the store, it is not necessary to pay.

148. Each cart can hold up to three children. It is not necessary to remove them before checkout, as the bagger will be more than happy to set the groceries on your children.

[Becks]

Have YOU forgotten rule #8?



(Just wanted to bring this one back again.)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Why no, no I haven't forgotten Rule #8.

"Death before forgetting Rule #8" is my motto.

[Becks]

That would make a good siggy for someone.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

That would make a good siggy for someone.

I concur. It does make a good siggy.

[Becks]

Looks good on you.

[Threesidedorchid]

For bookstore cafes:

Remember, being a customer doesn't require actually purchasing anything, the company and employees enjoy it when you come in just to sit at the tables for eight hours. Enhance your stay and their appreciation by:

149: asking for cups of ice-water (esp. when there's a line and the barista is attempting to make six drinks. wait impatiently so they realize how much more important your demand is than those of the paying customers),

150: make multiple trips into the book section to retrieve large stacks of magazines and books you're going to only flip through once. If any employee DARES to try and pick up the ones you've gone through throw a fit until they back a hundred feet away. Use multiple tables/chairs to hold your horde.

151: If you do decide to purchase something, don't feel pressured. Take several minutes deciding what you'd like, completely ignore any offers of assistance from the cashier until you've selected something.

151a: make sure to order something not on the menu and/or in the cafe-speak of another chain. All these places are the same and the baristas aren't people, but magical beings, like house-elfs, that can read your mind and manufacture whatever you want.

151b: when you're with your husband/friend/kids, the decision of what you and they should order is a fun project you can use to enhance your time together. to make the game entertaining, conduct the conversation in shouts across the cafe.

152: When the barista says it will only take a moment before your drink is ready, that really means half an hour, take the time to walk around the bookstore (now's a good time to collect those stacks of books), or, hey, even make a quick trip to that supermarket across the parking lot (remember rule #8!). Be sure to mumble to the barista that you'll be back in 'just a minute' so that your drink is started right away! It won't get cold before you get back.

153: if it does get cold, (or warm, if it was a cold drink in the first place), it was obviously made wrong and the barista never called you (you would have heard them on the other side of the store), Complain to management.

154: Baristas are stupid and sometimes you need to repeat yourself. For example, if you order a 'regular coffee' and the barista asks you what size, just repeat 'regular' so that they get it this time. That should clear things up.

155: Bring your dog into the store, if it's a small dog, in a stroller or your handbag, it's fine. Let any employee who tries to mention that 'health code' thing know this.

156: coupons are always good, on everything, period.

[Twotall]

While on holiday:

157: Signs in the store should always be at least in a language that you understand, if not in your native tongue! Even if it is a small, unaffiliated mom-and-pop store far out in the Armenian countryside, all signs should be printed in English as well. Be sure to complain (loudly) if this rule should be broken.

157 b: All store cashiers are trained in English, French, German, Arabic and several dozen other languages. If they pretend not to understand you, they are simply too lazy to bother. Feel free to shout at them in the language they pretend not to understand, and be sure to include the words "Why is this so difficult to understand?" or something similar.

158: Rule 8 also applies abroad, so keep remembering it!

159: If you are in a country where store bagging is not common, and you are expected to do it yourself, when the cashier hands you your bags, do not accept the bags or say anything, but simply stare dumbfounded at the employee, blinking your eyes slowly. Their way of running a business is WRONG, and it's about time they learned to cater to your needs like they do at home!

159b: In these situations it's even more important to remember rule 8...

160: If there is a certain product you know from home that you can't find, just mention it's name to an employee (ex: "Do you have anything resembling Bjørn's around?"). Every store employee has extensive training that allows them to know exactly which product you are looking for, and to find their local equivalent, that tastes/feels/looks/smells precisely like the one you are used to. God forbid you should have to do with something unfamiliar.

For shopping anywhere:

161: Be sure to wear enough of your heavy, overwhelming perfume. If it clears the way for you to the register by making other customers recoil or faint, it is working! The cashiers live to serve you, so they will not resort to any such wussie tactics and will stay happily on their post, smiling cheerfully and not breathe for half an hour, until all the fumes you left behind have dissolved.

[Bella_Vixen]

Don't forget rule #4, either. Especially is you have a line of people behind you.

[Myra]

For cell phone stores/service centers:

158. If the tech says your phone is not repairable due to moisture damage, throw a fit about how you have NEVER EVER gotten your phone wet. Hell, it's never even been NEAR water! Ignore the fact that water drips out of the phone onto the tech's desk in front of you while you argue. Surely, the tech must've done that because YOU didn't do it.

159. If you don't have the service plan, complain about repair prices. After all, the tech set those prices, and those fees line his pockets and he sits around at night, laughing at stupid customers who pay them.

160. When you hear what it costs to buy a phone at full retail price, throw a fit because "I paid $50 for this phone when I got it! Why is it suddenly $200?" And of course, ignore the employee when they try to explain the concept of discounts with activations to you.

161. If you notice an employee was eating lunch before your arrival, it is always amusing to said employee if you say one of the following phrases:

"Thought you were gonna get to eat while it was warm, eh?"
"No food for you!"
"Oh, you were eating?"

Make sure and smile and show fake concern. The employee LOVES that.

162. After you leave the cell phone store, go to the grocery store next door to them and DON'T FORGET RULE 8.

163. When all else fails, throw a fit and mention the merger and how "Everything was JUST FINE before the merger!" The employee will forget the regular fits you threw in this very same store pre-merger about how much you hated the company.

164. If the employee tells you we cannot charge to your account or some other nonsense, inform them that they are wrong since customer care told you every single store could do it. Nevermind them when they say they are privately owned and do not have access to accounts. They're just lazy.

165. Your "free" phone should work even though you chucked it out a 2 story window, then let your dog chew on it. If it doesn't, you should be given a new one for free. Any good employee should know this.

166. If you aren't getting your way, inform the employee about the hundreds of phones your account has active and the many thousands of dollars that you pay on your cell phone bill per month. It will make the employee bow to your importance and give you all you want for free.

[Bella_Vixen]

167. Remember rule #12.