Tweet
Wherein I cast a spell...
A small mid week update.....
Unexpected Reactions
Me: “Do you have a customer ID number?
SC: “NOOOOOOOOOO~!”
That's not true! That's impossible!
Buzzed
No the <hotel> Inn does not have a bar. Neither does the <other hotel>. Or the <3rd hotel>. I do not have anything with a bar you raging liquor weasel as this line is for emergency accommodations only. By the sounds of it you already managed to clear out an entire plane worth of stock and perhaps half of the terminal lounge. You may as well just ask an airline employee to check on you periodically to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit then pass out on a bench somewhere with one hand down the front of your pants and hope you don't piss yourself before your flight out in the morning.
Captain Obvious
Bus Driver: “You look a little wet!”
Why thank you, Mr Bus Driver! What was it exactly that clued you in? Was it the bitter wind driven sheets of rain/slush pelting me brutally and slowly turning me into a frigid hatesicle as I stood cowering at the bus stop from its wrath? I know that’s what clued me in. It’s good to know that the extra 50 cent fare hike I’ve been paying you since Jan 1st has resulted in you guys being vigorously trained in stating the bloody obvious. Money well spend!
Help?
Me: “and your address?”
SC: “It’s xxxx Roseberry Road”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “With one R.”
Me: “…..”
.....weren't you suppose to prefix that with "Riddle me this, Batman!"?
If You Get This....
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "Asistioso"
WINGARDIUM ASSISTIOSO!
If You Don't Move They Can't See You
I’m somewhat fearful to return to 7/11 after tonight.
As I was purchasing my provisions a strange, drunken leprechaun like creature staggered up to the door and pressed their face against the glass to peer in at me. I watched in growing horror as it fumbled with the door attempting to gain entry. Finally it managed to devise that the doors are “pull” rather than “push”. Thus removing the one barrier that was protecting me from it. Once inside it promptly shuffled up to me, stared up and muttered something in tongues. I have no idea what language it was, but if I had to crack a guess I’d say Orc.
I’m not sure if she was attempting to command me or trying to impart some sort of vital ancient prophecy that would have resulted in me undertaking an epic quest. I’ll never know as I did my damnest to avoid eye contact until she lost interest and stumbled towards the back of the store to struggle valiantly against the beverage coolers while the 7/11 employees slowly closed in from behind for the kill.
Behold My Power
Me: “Ok, and the expiration?”
SC: “10/07”
Me: “…..is that 10/07 or 07/10?”
SC: “10/07”
Me: “……..”
SC: “……..”
Me: “….that’s expired.”
SC: “….....Oh. Well, I guess that's that then.”
Me: "Indeed."
Once again my amazing talent for catching on to the stunningly obvious saves the day.
Then You Would Be Mistaken
SC: “I can’t find my credit card…..I’m sorry, I thought I was organized!”
No worries. Personally, I thought you were eventually going to veer dangerously up onto the mental sidewalk and run over common sense's dog before taking a sharp turn down slackwit lane. So at least one of us was right. Though honestly I’d have preferred it the other way around.
Sure, Whatever
Me: “He’ll be in the office after 8am pacific.”
SC: “and what time is it now?”
Me: “6:45am.”
SC: “So in……5 hours?
….yes, that’s right. In 5 hours. Sure, whatever. I’m tired and you seem so proud of your answer anyway. I don’t want to burst your little happy bubble. By all means call back in 5 hours.
Captain Obvious Part 2
Bus Driver: “Still wet out tonight?”
Why yes, yes it is Mr Busdriver. If you did not notice, it’s still a monsoon outside. Still, please continue, your ability to state the obvious combined with your newly discovered ability to retain information for more than 24 hours has almost convinced me the fare hike was worth it.
867
SC: “But it says free shipping for orders over $100 in the catalogue!”
Why yes, yes it does. However, if you would please refer to the catalogue in question, you’ll notice in giant red letters above that: “Online Only”. Unfortunately, this means you place the order on the Internet. Not that you need to take the cordless out back of your mobile home and hold onto the cloths line while you order. Though I do applaud your ingenuity.
867
You know your tiny little skull possessed such a fantastical lack of processing power that I was actually able to time how long it took for you to process external information and come up with a response. So, for your information, you have a roughly 6.3 second average hang time while your brain tries to process even the most basic of questions such as “What colour” or “What size” or “What’s your name”.
Out of mild curiosity I did attempt to gauge your processing speed from the standpoint of a computer CPU. However, even the most rudimentary computers from the early 70’s were able to blow you out of the water. Even on the most basic architecture you have a processing speed of roughly 0.000000032 mHZ. This means you’re intellectually dwarfed by even children’s toys. For example, say, a Firby, is mentally superior to you in almost every way. Its also more articulate, less annoying and I'm willing to bet more attractive too.
No, not really
( It's 10 minutes before the lottery cut off and there's 25 calls in queue... )
SC: “Are you really busy tonight?”
No, I’ve just kept you on hold for the last 12 minutes out of spite. Now if you don’t stop asking blatantly idiotic questions I’m going to have to ask you to hold for another 12 minutes. Out of spite.
Farfangled New Technology
Me: "Do have an email address?"
SC: “Do you need my computer Internet number?”
Why yes, yes I do. By all means go over to your compubox, turn on the viewport and tell me how I might harken an electronic telegram to your text writer via the intertubes.
Work week half over.... -.-
Unexpected Reactions
Me: “Do you have a customer ID number?
SC: “NOOOOOOOOOO~!”
That's not true! That's impossible!
Buzzed
No the <hotel> Inn does not have a bar. Neither does the <other hotel>. Or the <3rd hotel>. I do not have anything with a bar you raging liquor weasel as this line is for emergency accommodations only. By the sounds of it you already managed to clear out an entire plane worth of stock and perhaps half of the terminal lounge. You may as well just ask an airline employee to check on you periodically to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit then pass out on a bench somewhere with one hand down the front of your pants and hope you don't piss yourself before your flight out in the morning.
Captain Obvious
Bus Driver: “You look a little wet!”
Why thank you, Mr Bus Driver! What was it exactly that clued you in? Was it the bitter wind driven sheets of rain/slush pelting me brutally and slowly turning me into a frigid hatesicle as I stood cowering at the bus stop from its wrath? I know that’s what clued me in. It’s good to know that the extra 50 cent fare hike I’ve been paying you since Jan 1st has resulted in you guys being vigorously trained in stating the bloody obvious. Money well spend!
Help?
Me: “and your address?”
SC: “It’s xxxx Roseberry Road”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “With one R.”
Me: “…..”
.....weren't you suppose to prefix that with "Riddle me this, Batman!"?
If You Get This....
Me: "and your last name?"
SC: "Asistioso"
WINGARDIUM ASSISTIOSO!
If You Don't Move They Can't See You
I’m somewhat fearful to return to 7/11 after tonight.
As I was purchasing my provisions a strange, drunken leprechaun like creature staggered up to the door and pressed their face against the glass to peer in at me. I watched in growing horror as it fumbled with the door attempting to gain entry. Finally it managed to devise that the doors are “pull” rather than “push”. Thus removing the one barrier that was protecting me from it. Once inside it promptly shuffled up to me, stared up and muttered something in tongues. I have no idea what language it was, but if I had to crack a guess I’d say Orc.
I’m not sure if she was attempting to command me or trying to impart some sort of vital ancient prophecy that would have resulted in me undertaking an epic quest. I’ll never know as I did my damnest to avoid eye contact until she lost interest and stumbled towards the back of the store to struggle valiantly against the beverage coolers while the 7/11 employees slowly closed in from behind for the kill.
Behold My Power
Me: “Ok, and the expiration?”
SC: “10/07”
Me: “…..is that 10/07 or 07/10?”
SC: “10/07”
Me: “……..”
SC: “……..”
Me: “….that’s expired.”
SC: “….....Oh. Well, I guess that's that then.”
Me: "Indeed."
Once again my amazing talent for catching on to the stunningly obvious saves the day.
Then You Would Be Mistaken
SC: “I can’t find my credit card…..I’m sorry, I thought I was organized!”
No worries. Personally, I thought you were eventually going to veer dangerously up onto the mental sidewalk and run over common sense's dog before taking a sharp turn down slackwit lane. So at least one of us was right. Though honestly I’d have preferred it the other way around.
Sure, Whatever
Me: “He’ll be in the office after 8am pacific.”
SC: “and what time is it now?”
Me: “6:45am.”
SC: “So in……5 hours?
….yes, that’s right. In 5 hours. Sure, whatever. I’m tired and you seem so proud of your answer anyway. I don’t want to burst your little happy bubble. By all means call back in 5 hours.
Captain Obvious Part 2
Bus Driver: “Still wet out tonight?”
Why yes, yes it is Mr Busdriver. If you did not notice, it’s still a monsoon outside. Still, please continue, your ability to state the obvious combined with your newly discovered ability to retain information for more than 24 hours has almost convinced me the fare hike was worth it.
867
SC: “But it says free shipping for orders over $100 in the catalogue!”
Why yes, yes it does. However, if you would please refer to the catalogue in question, you’ll notice in giant red letters above that: “Online Only”. Unfortunately, this means you place the order on the Internet. Not that you need to take the cordless out back of your mobile home and hold onto the cloths line while you order. Though I do applaud your ingenuity.
867
You know your tiny little skull possessed such a fantastical lack of processing power that I was actually able to time how long it took for you to process external information and come up with a response. So, for your information, you have a roughly 6.3 second average hang time while your brain tries to process even the most basic of questions such as “What colour” or “What size” or “What’s your name”.
Out of mild curiosity I did attempt to gauge your processing speed from the standpoint of a computer CPU. However, even the most rudimentary computers from the early 70’s were able to blow you out of the water. Even on the most basic architecture you have a processing speed of roughly 0.000000032 mHZ. This means you’re intellectually dwarfed by even children’s toys. For example, say, a Firby, is mentally superior to you in almost every way. Its also more articulate, less annoying and I'm willing to bet more attractive too.
No, not really
( It's 10 minutes before the lottery cut off and there's 25 calls in queue... )
SC: “Are you really busy tonight?”
No, I’ve just kept you on hold for the last 12 minutes out of spite. Now if you don’t stop asking blatantly idiotic questions I’m going to have to ask you to hold for another 12 minutes. Out of spite.
Farfangled New Technology
Me: "Do have an email address?"
SC: “Do you need my computer Internet number?”
Why yes, yes I do. By all means go over to your compubox, turn on the viewport and tell me how I might harken an electronic telegram to your text writer via the intertubes.
Work week half over.... -.-
.
Comment