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This post is dedicated to customers who have a less-than-stellar understanding of how their finances work. Honestly, most people don't know all the little details about how banks work with their money; however the average person at least understands the basics, and that's all you really need to be fiscally responsible.
Most of you know, however, that the majority of my customers are not 'average'. They are 'special'. As in should-not-be-let-out-without-supervision special.
KERR-AZEEEEE!!!
SC: I have a charge on my bank statement from you people! You stole my money and I want it back right now or I will have you all arrested!
Me: Ma'am, we didn't take your money. If you have a charge from us then someone called us or went online and made a purchase with us using your credit card.
SC: Well why didn't you stop them! You're just as much at fault! I will have you all shut down for this!
Me: Ma'am, if they have your name, address, and social security number, we have no way of knowing it was not you who placed this order.
SC: THAT IS NO EXCUSE! Everyone here knows who I am! I want to know where you are located. I am going to drive down there right now and speak to your managers about this!
Me: Um, I am located in Oregon, Ma'am. Note: Customer is in Ohio.
SC: ...Oregon? I can almost hear the synapses misfiring.
Me: Yes, Ma'am.
SC: How would someone in Oregon get my credit card number?!!!
Me: Ma'am, we are a nationwide company. People place orders over the phone or on the internet from every state in the country.
SC: Damn them! I told my credit card company I didn't use my card anyplace but the businesses in my town, and they were to block any other charges. They obviously failed. I will just have to drive to the bank, then, and give them a piece of my mind!
Me: Ma'am, I don't believe the bank has the ability to limit a credit card only to a specific number of merchants.
SC: How do you know what they can do! They can do anything with your money. I know, I watch TV! I see it all! They have satellites which can take pictures of you in your bathtub, I know they can control where your money goes! I know they can! That---that organization, what are they called? Illumi-something? It's them, I know it! They try to fool us but I SEE THROUGH IT ALL! Well they messed with the wrong person today, I'm going to go down there and put my shoe in their BUTTS!
Me: Allright, Ma'am.
I was going to suggest you call your bank anyway, to let them know about these unauthorized charges.
SC: Oh believe me, I will. And when I get through with THEM, they'll be sorry they ever dealt with me in the FIRST PLACE! *click*
Yes. Yes, they will be sorry they ever dealt with you. They are going to spend the rest of their lives terrified that your 'crazy fleas' will jump on them when you are near and infect them, until they too, run around town with a screaming persecution complex, accusing shadowy organizations of spending their money on cheap prepaid cell phones so they can call each other to plot world domination. Or something.
We know what you are doing.
SC: I just want you all to know that I know what you are up to.
Me: I'm sorry, Sir---?
SC: You want my money so you are working with the credit card company to take it. I just want you to know so that when you are put out of business you'll know why.
Me: Sir, we didn't make this charge, someone made a purchase with us using your credit card number.
SC: Bullshit! The credit card companies know how to keep that from happening! Individual people don't make false charges, it's always the business who are at fault, because they don't care who uses the card, as long as they make their damn money!
Me: I assure you, when someone uses a card fraudulently with us, we lose out on that sale, because we end up having to return the money to the credit card company.
SC: Is that what they teach you to tell me? Is it? Huh? 'cause it's BULLSHIT and you know it.
Me: No, Sir, it's not, and please do not cuss on my line.
SC: I'll cuss wherever I want to! It's my phone, just like it's my money you stole!
Me: No, Sir, actually it's the phone company's phone line, and I am not required to listen to you verbally abuse me.
SC: Ha! First you steal my money and now you falsely accuse me! You bitches need to give me my money back!
Me: All right, Sir, I am disconnecting now. Thank you for calling.
SC: GIVE ME MY MONEY BA---
Me: *click*
We know what you are up to, as well. Right now you are naked in your bathtub, petting a rubber chicken and trying to put a screwdriver through your eyeball. I know, cause I've got satellite pictures.
Jest floatin' like a baby down that river called DeNile...
SC: But I can't have any charges from you, I didn't buy anything! It's a mistake!
Me: No, Ma'am, it's not a mistake, someone called in an made a purchase with your debit card. If you didn't authorize anyone to make a purchase, then someone may have gotten a hold of your debit card number.
SC: But that's impossible! I'm the only one who can make charges!
Me: Yes, Ma'am, you are the only one who is legally allowed to make charges. But if someone had enough information on you, then they could call in pretending to be you and purchase something.
SC: But---but---but that's impossible! How could someone pretend they are me?! I am the only who is---who is ME!
Me: No, Ma'am, I can tell you from experience, that it is not impossible. It does happen.
SC: But---but it JUST HAS to be a mistake! You made a mistake! No one could have gotten a hold of my credit card, it's right here in my hand! It's impossible!
Me: Ma'am, these are phone transactions. They don't have to have the actual card, as long as they have the card number, the expiration date, and the security code on the back.
SC: But I have the card right here in my hand! How can anybody have stolen it if I have the card right here with me?! This doesn't make any sense!
Me: Ma'am, somebody has stolen the number, not the actual card.
SC: (wailing) but it doesn't make any sense! it's impossible!
Well, Ma'am, if we can take pictures of you doing God knows what in your bathtub late at night, then I think it just MIGHT be possible that someone could have gotten ahold of your credit card number without taking the actual card. Call me crazy, but I think it just might be possible!
It's the bank's fault I don't understand how they work!
SC: I am not paying these returned check charges. It is my bank's fault they bounced!
Me: I'm sorry, Sir, you'd have to take it up with them, then. If they decide they are at fault they should notify us of that.
SC: But I am telling you that they are at fault. Doesn't that mean anything? Apparently you are in cahoots with the bank, you only listen to them!
Me: I'm sorry, sir this is our policy. If a check is returned to us, then we asses a returned check fee. If it is a bank mistake, they will notify us and we will not charge you a returned check fee.
SC: Well, listen. I deposited a check on Friday. Apparently they didn't give me my money for a week, cause I didn't get it all until the next Friday! That is their fault! I put the money in there, and I expected it to be there right away for me to spend, you know? I had no idea they were gonna hold my money hostage on me! Now, I want my phone turned on, and I'm not gonna pay no "returned check" fee, you can just get that from the bank!
Me: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot take the returned check fee off of there for you.
SC: Yes you can, and yes, you will!
Me: (smirking) No, sir, I will not do that. If you want your phone turned back on, you need to pay the entire balance due. If you cannot pay it that this time, then you would need to call back when you are able to do that.
SC: Why are you making this so difficult for me?! First I have to go yell at the bank because they don't know what they're doing, and now I have to deal with you?! I TOLD you, this entire situation is the bank's fault! They shouldn't have held my money, I've been banking with them for three whole months!
Ooooh, three whole months! Apparently the bank hasn't got their satellite pictures of you yet, cause they still don't trust you. Sorry.
Most of you know, however, that the majority of my customers are not 'average'. They are 'special'. As in should-not-be-let-out-without-supervision special.
KERR-AZEEEEE!!!
SC: I have a charge on my bank statement from you people! You stole my money and I want it back right now or I will have you all arrested!
Me: Ma'am, we didn't take your money. If you have a charge from us then someone called us or went online and made a purchase with us using your credit card.
SC: Well why didn't you stop them! You're just as much at fault! I will have you all shut down for this!
Me: Ma'am, if they have your name, address, and social security number, we have no way of knowing it was not you who placed this order.
SC: THAT IS NO EXCUSE! Everyone here knows who I am! I want to know where you are located. I am going to drive down there right now and speak to your managers about this!
Me: Um, I am located in Oregon, Ma'am. Note: Customer is in Ohio.
SC: ...Oregon? I can almost hear the synapses misfiring.
Me: Yes, Ma'am.
SC: How would someone in Oregon get my credit card number?!!!
Me: Ma'am, we are a nationwide company. People place orders over the phone or on the internet from every state in the country.
SC: Damn them! I told my credit card company I didn't use my card anyplace but the businesses in my town, and they were to block any other charges. They obviously failed. I will just have to drive to the bank, then, and give them a piece of my mind!
Me: Ma'am, I don't believe the bank has the ability to limit a credit card only to a specific number of merchants.
SC: How do you know what they can do! They can do anything with your money. I know, I watch TV! I see it all! They have satellites which can take pictures of you in your bathtub, I know they can control where your money goes! I know they can! That---that organization, what are they called? Illumi-something? It's them, I know it! They try to fool us but I SEE THROUGH IT ALL! Well they messed with the wrong person today, I'm going to go down there and put my shoe in their BUTTS!
Me: Allright, Ma'am.
I was going to suggest you call your bank anyway, to let them know about these unauthorized charges.SC: Oh believe me, I will. And when I get through with THEM, they'll be sorry they ever dealt with me in the FIRST PLACE! *click*
Yes. Yes, they will be sorry they ever dealt with you. They are going to spend the rest of their lives terrified that your 'crazy fleas' will jump on them when you are near and infect them, until they too, run around town with a screaming persecution complex, accusing shadowy organizations of spending their money on cheap prepaid cell phones so they can call each other to plot world domination. Or something.
We know what you are doing.
SC: I just want you all to know that I know what you are up to.
Me:
I'm sorry, Sir---?SC: You want my money so you are working with the credit card company to take it. I just want you to know so that when you are put out of business you'll know why.
Me: Sir, we didn't make this charge, someone made a purchase with us using your credit card number.
SC: Bullshit! The credit card companies know how to keep that from happening! Individual people don't make false charges, it's always the business who are at fault, because they don't care who uses the card, as long as they make their damn money!
Me: I assure you, when someone uses a card fraudulently with us, we lose out on that sale, because we end up having to return the money to the credit card company.
SC: Is that what they teach you to tell me? Is it? Huh? 'cause it's BULLSHIT and you know it.
Me: No, Sir, it's not, and please do not cuss on my line.
SC: I'll cuss wherever I want to! It's my phone, just like it's my money you stole!
Me: No, Sir, actually it's the phone company's phone line, and I am not required to listen to you verbally abuse me.
SC: Ha! First you steal my money and now you falsely accuse me! You bitches need to give me my money back!
Me: All right, Sir, I am disconnecting now. Thank you for calling.
SC: GIVE ME MY MONEY BA---
Me: *click*
We know what you are up to, as well. Right now you are naked in your bathtub, petting a rubber chicken and trying to put a screwdriver through your eyeball. I know, cause I've got satellite pictures.
Jest floatin' like a baby down that river called DeNile...
SC: But I can't have any charges from you, I didn't buy anything! It's a mistake!
Me: No, Ma'am, it's not a mistake, someone called in an made a purchase with your debit card. If you didn't authorize anyone to make a purchase, then someone may have gotten a hold of your debit card number.
SC: But that's impossible! I'm the only one who can make charges!
Me: Yes, Ma'am, you are the only one who is legally allowed to make charges. But if someone had enough information on you, then they could call in pretending to be you and purchase something.
SC: But---but---but that's impossible! How could someone pretend they are me?! I am the only who is---who is ME!
Me:
No, Ma'am, I can tell you from experience, that it is not impossible. It does happen.SC: But---but it JUST HAS to be a mistake! You made a mistake! No one could have gotten a hold of my credit card, it's right here in my hand! It's impossible!
Me: Ma'am, these are phone transactions. They don't have to have the actual card, as long as they have the card number, the expiration date, and the security code on the back.
SC: But I have the card right here in my hand! How can anybody have stolen it if I have the card right here with me?! This doesn't make any sense!
Me: Ma'am, somebody has stolen the number, not the actual card.
SC: (wailing) but it doesn't make any sense! it's impossible!
Well, Ma'am, if we can take pictures of you doing God knows what in your bathtub late at night, then I think it just MIGHT be possible that someone could have gotten ahold of your credit card number without taking the actual card. Call me crazy, but I think it just might be possible!
It's the bank's fault I don't understand how they work!
SC: I am not paying these returned check charges. It is my bank's fault they bounced!
Me: I'm sorry, Sir, you'd have to take it up with them, then. If they decide they are at fault they should notify us of that.
SC: But I am telling you that they are at fault. Doesn't that mean anything? Apparently you are in cahoots with the bank, you only listen to them!
Me: I'm sorry, sir this is our policy. If a check is returned to us, then we asses a returned check fee. If it is a bank mistake, they will notify us and we will not charge you a returned check fee.
SC: Well, listen. I deposited a check on Friday. Apparently they didn't give me my money for a week, cause I didn't get it all until the next Friday! That is their fault! I put the money in there, and I expected it to be there right away for me to spend, you know? I had no idea they were gonna hold my money hostage on me! Now, I want my phone turned on, and I'm not gonna pay no "returned check" fee, you can just get that from the bank!
Me: I am sorry, sir, but I cannot take the returned check fee off of there for you.
SC: Yes you can, and yes, you will!
Me: (smirking) No, sir, I will not do that. If you want your phone turned back on, you need to pay the entire balance due. If you cannot pay it that this time, then you would need to call back when you are able to do that.
SC: Why are you making this so difficult for me?! First I have to go yell at the bank because they don't know what they're doing, and now I have to deal with you?! I TOLD you, this entire situation is the bank's fault! They shouldn't have held my money, I've been banking with them for three whole months!
Ooooh, three whole months! Apparently the bank hasn't got their satellite pictures of you yet, cause they still don't trust you. Sorry.
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