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Apparently you can secret shop a call center. Who knew.
Red Slippers
Me: "Ok, I can get you a room at the <hotel name> for $75"
SC: "Don't you have any other hotels?"
Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s the only vacancy I have available there.”
SC: “Can’t you try harder?!”
It is not a matter of effort. Additional vacancies at other establishments will not magically appear if I can convince all the little boys and girls watching at home to clap their hands and believe. If you truly wish to pursue this plan you may wish to invest in a pair of red slippers or perhaps locate and spank some sort of pixie or fairy and gather up the mystical dust that comes loose.
Shouldn't be too had to find one. You are in Vegas afterall. Hell, I bet you could rent one.
867
Me: “Ok, what’s the item number?”
SC: “xxxx-xx”
Me: “Alright, what size would you like?”
SC: “75”
Ok, first: A number wasn't even an option. It's S, M, L or XL and second I may not know much about clothing but I'm pretty sure I could comfortable live in a size 75 and still rent out the crotch as an in-suite.
So perhaps you should re-evaluate your answer and try again.
Brand Confidence
Ok, the name “Bud’s Budget Drugs” does not inspire confidence in any way shape or form. It sounds more like the type of fine apothecary one would find hanging out in a urine soaked alley behind White Spot or perhaps New West Skytrain station.
Just to add additional Street Cred™ you actually are Bud from Bud’s Budget Drugs.
Sooo....?
Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “No, actually.”
I'm not sure what to tell you then. That's really the only question I had to offer. So having failed that I guess we can just both sit here in awkward silence for a while like a bad blind date until one of us musters the nerve to excuse ourselves.
( Sadly enough, that's exactly what happened too. )
You sir, are a dick
Me: “Good evening, <company> Lottery“
SC: “I don’t believe it.”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Next question.”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
SC: “You’re trying to sell lottery tickets right.”
Me: “This is our order desk, yes.”
SC: “You have a form right? With a bunch of questions you have to ask me? Next question.”
You know, just a heads up for next time: It’s much easier for the operator to figure out what you’re trying to do if you just come right out and say: “Hi, I’m an asshole and I’d like to buy lottery tickets.”
( I had to turn to my floor manager and ask the question: "Hey, can I say "asshole" in my shift report?" that morning. Sadly, I had to settle for arsehole in the official version. )
Duly Noted
SC: “It’s Raven. That’s spelled R-A-V-E-N.”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “I’m not insinuating that you’re simple.”
Thanks for clearing that up. But don’t worry about it. I’ll be spending the rest of the call under the impression you’re an idiot too. So we’re even really.
867
Ok, allow me to explain the Northern Economical Laxwit Equation ( NELE for short ) to you and then walk you through how it applies to this situation.
The equation is very simple. Even your primitive sub-human mind should be able to grasp it:
FD = ( Shipping Cost – Item Cost ) + 1
FD is the “Fuckwit Differential”. If FD is a positive number then this is the amount of additional funds, in dollars, you must pay to avoid looking like a complete idiot.
For example you purchased a $34 hat and paid $40 shipping. So:
FD = ( 40 – 34 ) + 1 = 7. So you need to order an additional item that costs at least $7 in order to avoid looking like a total raging moron. You of course failed to do this.
OH NOEZ!
Me: "Good evening, <company>, are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "No, I'm calling to change my flight."
Me: "I'm sorry, this line is only for hotel reservations. We have nothing to do with the airlines."
SC: "I know that. But I need to change my flight."
Me: "I'm afraid I can't help you with that. All we handle are hotel accommodations."
SC: "Yeah, can you tell me the number to call to change my flight?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I wouldn't have that number as we only deal with hotels."
SC: "Well, can you look it up for me?!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I can't look it up for you, no."
SC:" "Why not!!?"
Me: "We only handle hotels. I don't have any numbers for airlines."
SC: "WELL CAN'T YOU GO GET A PHONE BOOK!?"
Me: "I don't have a phone book here, no."
SC: "WHATS YOUR NAME?!"
Me: "Gravekeeper."
SC: "yeah well I'm a secret shopper and I'm going to call your customer service and complain THAT YOU WOULDN'T HELP ME FIND THE NUMBER! <slams down phone>."
Wow...where to start, where to start.....there's such a calvacade of failure here I may have to organize it into a bullet point list to catalogue it all properly. So pull up a chair and lets begin, shall we?
1) You were calling the wrong number.
2) You knew you were calling the wrong number.
3) You still called it.
4) To up the difficulty you asked me to look up the number to an unnamed airline in an unnamed city.
5) You were personally offended that I couldn't provide a service that my company does not offer in any capacity.
6) You were personally offended that I couldn't provide a service that was literally impossible to provide.
7) You seriously think you can complain to my company that I did not provide you a service that we do not and cannot provide.
8) I don't think "secret shopper" means what you think it does. The term you're looking for is test caller.
9) Test callers do not run customer service test calls on high priority or emergency lines such as this one.
10) Which reminds me, this is an emergency line for standed passengers trying to find urgent accomodations. Yet you STILL called to ask me your fantastically monkey assed shitwitted inane tragically misguided asinine shallow minded ingrown ASSHAIR of a question.
Now that we've successfully organized and catalogued your offenses we can come to a conclusion:
I hate you and not only shall I spent the next hour praying for your injury but I will bribe my coworker with Reese's Pieces to do likewise.
Determination
SC: “Yeah I lost some money in your machine here and it won’t give me my chips."
Me: “How much did you lose?”
SC: “$10.”
$10? You know, when a vending machine eats $1 of mine my first reaction isn’t to tempt fate by giving it another $1. I typically give up on it after the first try and definitely after the second. But not you, boy, you just kept hanging in there didn’t you? Well, I admire your determination at least. Even if you are kind of a dumbass.
Were they at least sour cream & onion?
867
Me: “Alright, and what colour would you like?”
SC: “uh…camel..er, kamoo…um…cargo?”
Me: “You mean camo?”
SC: “Yeah.”
As depressing as your literacy level is, “kamoo” did amuse me so I’ll let you off the hook this time,
Heh heh, kamoo.
Pop Quiz
Caller: “My name is Santiaga Mystery”
Pop Quiz! This caller is:
A) A Vegas lounge act.
B) A porn star.
C) A Bond villain.
D) All of the above.
The Sound of Silence
SC: “I’m sorry I don’t have my hearing aid in. I wasn’t expecting to hear anyone when I called.”
Wow. Just…wow. That defied logic on so many fronts that I don’t even know where to start. Your defense is completely impervious and it would be suicide to attempt any sort of assault on your fortress of idiocy. I must take my troops and withdraw from this one sided conversation lest they be brutally routed.
?
Me: “Ok, and your postal code please?”
SC: “K42TNJ6”
I guess I need to collect 10 box tops and mail them in for the Alberta secret decoder ring.
HALP~!
SC: “I didn’t know you needed a birth certificate to cross the border back to the US. So now I can’t leave.”
Wait wait….so you’re trapped in Canada? Hah! Don’t worry, since your life seems to be a sitcom plot you should discover some inexplicable solution to your problem within the next 30 minutes. Probably involving an ex-girlfriend and a southbound produce truck.
867
Me: “I only have that item in small, medium and extra large.”
SC: “Can I get it in large then?”
Me: “I don’t have it in large, sorry.”
SC: “Oh, what sizes do you have?”
Give me a moment, I want to wait and see if the space time continuum balances out. Seeing as we apparently just had that conversation in reverse.
What is...
Me: “and your postal code?”
SC: “Oh, um….”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
SC: “….oh! Ding-a-ling!”
….right. Would it help if I hummed the Jeopardy theme after I ask the next question?
867
Me: "I'm sorry, thats not in stock."
SC: “Oh, ok, let me look around the page for another item.”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “……”
Me: “……”
<Insert a full minute of dead air>
SC: “This may take a while. I’m on dial up.”
I’m not sure whether I should be horrified that dial up still exists or elated that you and your northern kin are at least starting to catch up to the 21st century.
and I have to go back tomorrow.... >.>
Red Slippers
Me: "Ok, I can get you a room at the <hotel name> for $75"
SC: "Don't you have any other hotels?"
Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s the only vacancy I have available there.”
SC: “Can’t you try harder?!”
It is not a matter of effort. Additional vacancies at other establishments will not magically appear if I can convince all the little boys and girls watching at home to clap their hands and believe. If you truly wish to pursue this plan you may wish to invest in a pair of red slippers or perhaps locate and spank some sort of pixie or fairy and gather up the mystical dust that comes loose.
Shouldn't be too had to find one. You are in Vegas afterall. Hell, I bet you could rent one.
867
Me: “Ok, what’s the item number?”
SC: “xxxx-xx”
Me: “Alright, what size would you like?”
SC: “75”
Ok, first: A number wasn't even an option. It's S, M, L or XL and second I may not know much about clothing but I'm pretty sure I could comfortable live in a size 75 and still rent out the crotch as an in-suite.
So perhaps you should re-evaluate your answer and try again.
Brand Confidence
Ok, the name “Bud’s Budget Drugs” does not inspire confidence in any way shape or form. It sounds more like the type of fine apothecary one would find hanging out in a urine soaked alley behind White Spot or perhaps New West Skytrain station.
Just to add additional Street Cred™ you actually are Bud from Bud’s Budget Drugs.
Sooo....?
Me: “Are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “No, actually.”
I'm not sure what to tell you then. That's really the only question I had to offer. So having failed that I guess we can just both sit here in awkward silence for a while like a bad blind date until one of us musters the nerve to excuse ourselves.
( Sadly enough, that's exactly what happened too. )
You sir, are a dick
Me: “Good evening, <company> Lottery“
SC: “I don’t believe it.”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Next question.”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
SC: “You’re trying to sell lottery tickets right.”
Me: “This is our order desk, yes.”
SC: “You have a form right? With a bunch of questions you have to ask me? Next question.”
You know, just a heads up for next time: It’s much easier for the operator to figure out what you’re trying to do if you just come right out and say: “Hi, I’m an asshole and I’d like to buy lottery tickets.”
( I had to turn to my floor manager and ask the question: "Hey, can I say "asshole" in my shift report?" that morning. Sadly, I had to settle for arsehole in the official version. )
Duly Noted
SC: “It’s Raven. That’s spelled R-A-V-E-N.”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “I’m not insinuating that you’re simple.”
Thanks for clearing that up. But don’t worry about it. I’ll be spending the rest of the call under the impression you’re an idiot too. So we’re even really.
867
Ok, allow me to explain the Northern Economical Laxwit Equation ( NELE for short ) to you and then walk you through how it applies to this situation.
The equation is very simple. Even your primitive sub-human mind should be able to grasp it:
FD = ( Shipping Cost – Item Cost ) + 1
FD is the “Fuckwit Differential”. If FD is a positive number then this is the amount of additional funds, in dollars, you must pay to avoid looking like a complete idiot.
For example you purchased a $34 hat and paid $40 shipping. So:
FD = ( 40 – 34 ) + 1 = 7. So you need to order an additional item that costs at least $7 in order to avoid looking like a total raging moron. You of course failed to do this.
OH NOEZ!
Me: "Good evening, <company>, are you calling to book a room?"
SC: "No, I'm calling to change my flight."
Me: "I'm sorry, this line is only for hotel reservations. We have nothing to do with the airlines."
SC: "I know that. But I need to change my flight."
Me: "I'm afraid I can't help you with that. All we handle are hotel accommodations."
SC: "Yeah, can you tell me the number to call to change my flight?"
Me: "I'm sorry, I wouldn't have that number as we only deal with hotels."
SC: "Well, can you look it up for me?!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I can't look it up for you, no."
SC:" "Why not!!?"
Me: "We only handle hotels. I don't have any numbers for airlines."
SC: "WELL CAN'T YOU GO GET A PHONE BOOK!?"
Me: "I don't have a phone book here, no."
SC: "WHATS YOUR NAME?!"
Me: "Gravekeeper."
SC: "yeah well I'm a secret shopper and I'm going to call your customer service and complain THAT YOU WOULDN'T HELP ME FIND THE NUMBER! <slams down phone>."
Wow...where to start, where to start.....there's such a calvacade of failure here I may have to organize it into a bullet point list to catalogue it all properly. So pull up a chair and lets begin, shall we?
1) You were calling the wrong number.
2) You knew you were calling the wrong number.
3) You still called it.
4) To up the difficulty you asked me to look up the number to an unnamed airline in an unnamed city.
5) You were personally offended that I couldn't provide a service that my company does not offer in any capacity.
6) You were personally offended that I couldn't provide a service that was literally impossible to provide.
7) You seriously think you can complain to my company that I did not provide you a service that we do not and cannot provide.
8) I don't think "secret shopper" means what you think it does. The term you're looking for is test caller.
9) Test callers do not run customer service test calls on high priority or emergency lines such as this one.
10) Which reminds me, this is an emergency line for standed passengers trying to find urgent accomodations. Yet you STILL called to ask me your fantastically monkey assed shitwitted inane tragically misguided asinine shallow minded ingrown ASSHAIR of a question.
Now that we've successfully organized and catalogued your offenses we can come to a conclusion:
I hate you and not only shall I spent the next hour praying for your injury but I will bribe my coworker with Reese's Pieces to do likewise.
Determination
SC: “Yeah I lost some money in your machine here and it won’t give me my chips."
Me: “How much did you lose?”
SC: “$10.”
$10? You know, when a vending machine eats $1 of mine my first reaction isn’t to tempt fate by giving it another $1. I typically give up on it after the first try and definitely after the second. But not you, boy, you just kept hanging in there didn’t you? Well, I admire your determination at least. Even if you are kind of a dumbass.
Were they at least sour cream & onion?
867
Me: “Alright, and what colour would you like?”
SC: “uh…camel..er, kamoo…um…cargo?”
Me: “You mean camo?”
SC: “Yeah.”
As depressing as your literacy level is, “kamoo” did amuse me so I’ll let you off the hook this time,
Heh heh, kamoo.
Pop Quiz
Caller: “My name is Santiaga Mystery”
Pop Quiz! This caller is:
A) A Vegas lounge act.
B) A porn star.
C) A Bond villain.
D) All of the above.
The Sound of Silence
SC: “I’m sorry I don’t have my hearing aid in. I wasn’t expecting to hear anyone when I called.”
Wow. Just…wow. That defied logic on so many fronts that I don’t even know where to start. Your defense is completely impervious and it would be suicide to attempt any sort of assault on your fortress of idiocy. I must take my troops and withdraw from this one sided conversation lest they be brutally routed.
?
Me: “Ok, and your postal code please?”
SC: “K42TNJ6”
I guess I need to collect 10 box tops and mail them in for the Alberta secret decoder ring.
HALP~!
SC: “I didn’t know you needed a birth certificate to cross the border back to the US. So now I can’t leave.”
Wait wait….so you’re trapped in Canada? Hah! Don’t worry, since your life seems to be a sitcom plot you should discover some inexplicable solution to your problem within the next 30 minutes. Probably involving an ex-girlfriend and a southbound produce truck.
867
Me: “I only have that item in small, medium and extra large.”
SC: “Can I get it in large then?”
Me: “I don’t have it in large, sorry.”
SC: “Oh, what sizes do you have?”
Give me a moment, I want to wait and see if the space time continuum balances out. Seeing as we apparently just had that conversation in reverse.
What is...
Me: “and your postal code?”
SC: “Oh, um….”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
SC: “….oh! Ding-a-ling!”
….right. Would it help if I hummed the Jeopardy theme after I ask the next question?
867
Me: "I'm sorry, thats not in stock."
SC: “Oh, ok, let me look around the page for another item.”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “……”
Me: “……”
<Insert a full minute of dead air>
SC: “This may take a while. I’m on dial up.”
I’m not sure whether I should be horrified that dial up still exists or elated that you and your northern kin are at least starting to catch up to the 21st century.
and I have to go back tomorrow.... >.>
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