The Computer Department's Eternal Merry-Go-Round (long)

[HawaiianShirts]

Just tell me what you want, people!

Sometimes customers don't know what they want. That's fine. My job is to help them figure it out.

Sometimes customers know exactly what they want. That's also fine. My other job is to get it for them.

And sometimes I get those freaks who know exactly what they want but act like they have no clue. They're waiting for me to read their minds. I should probably be used to stuff like this by now, but it really got to me last week.

I worked Saturday afternoon and evening, and we were steadily busy until a few minutes after closing. I had four customers I wished unpleasant experiences upon. One was just a couple of girls from some other country who needed laptops for homework. They wandered the department from 30 minutes before closing until 10 minutes after, talking on their cell phones with various friends about the laptops in front of them. They asked for help, but didn't trust what any of us told them, even though we were suggesting computers LESS expensive than what their friends were suggesting. They bought nothing.

Here are the tales of the three major annoyances.

Guess the Model Number
This woman had one of those smiles that suggested she was trying to make herself look much more innocent and naive than she actually was. She told me she wanted a desktop computer package, so I began the rounds.

Me: Is there anything particular you had in mind? Certain brand, model, or specs?
Naive Grinning Woman: No, I just need a computer.
Me: Okay. What do you need the computer to do for you?
NGW: Nothing really. Just regular computer stuff.
Me: So, like, 3D games, movie editing, internet, word processing, music collections, anything along those lines?
NGW: I just need a good deal on a desktop.

At this point, I kinda give up. I've had customers do this before, and the best bet is to just show them a good deal. Something on sale about two steps above the glorified typewriter specials. So I show her one.

NGW: Well, that's good, but do you have one with a bigger monitor?
Me: Sure. In fact, any of these packages with the 19-inch monitors can be upgraded to a 22-inch for an extra $60-$110, depending on which brand of monitor you want.
NGW: Oh. That's good. But I think I might want something with a bigger hard drive.
Me: That's easy. This one over here is just X dollars more and has a 500 gig hard drive instead of the 360 gig.
NGW: Yeah, but this has an AMD processor. I think I want an Intel instead.

I'm getting a little annoyed now. I distinctly remember asking her if she had any particular specs in mind.

Me: Yeah, this package and this package have the Intel Core 2 processor, and this one and this one have the Intel Quad-Core.
NGW: Do any of them have dedicated video? My son needs a good graphic card for his games.
Me: Yes, three of those four have dedicated video.
NGW: Hmmm...

She goes over the spec tags in front of her. And the package tags. And messes around with some of the models I had shown her, asking a few questions about them as we went. Then she opens her purse and pulls out some folded sheets of paper.

NGW: Well, actually, I was on your website this morning, and I wondered if you have this.

She hands me the papers. They're printouts from our website. She'd already picked out exactly which computer, monitor, printer, and other things she wanted. Fighting the urge to say something that would get me in trouble, I showed her that model, which she'd already looked at, and explained that I did have the monitor (just not on display yet) and everything else she wanted and that I could get them for her for the price she saw online. She ordered me to put that package together for her. As I was doing so, she gave me her final line.

NGW: I'll take it up myself. And don't you even think of offering me extra warranties or extra "services" (she used the finger-quotes when she said this, all naivete completely dropped). I used to work for Nearby Store,* and I know it's all a scam anyway.

At that, she took her cart and left. I conveniently "forgot" to mention our rewards program to her.

*Nearby Store sells a great deal of furniture, TVs, appliances, and some computers. All their sales people are on commission. All their computers are at least four months older than ours and priced higher by about $200 (to cover commissions, I think). I've shopped there. I know their sales focus is not on computers.

Guess the Brand
Grouchy Old Guy comes in and immediately flags me down.

GOG: You sell printers?
Me: Yes.

I step aside and reveal two aisles of printers.

GOG: Good. I need a new one. My old one ed out on me.

I go through the usual steps of asking him exactly what his printer needs are. He answers my questions. He's grouchy, but it doesn't seem like he's directing his frustrations at me, so I don't have any problems with it. I show him a couple of HP models. He just frowns at them while I'm explaining them.

GOG: Bleh. I hate HP. Show me something else.

All right. Repeat above demonstration on Canon.

GOG: Bleh. Canon sucks. Show me something else.

Here are some Epson printers.

GOG: Epson ink is too expensive. Show me something else.

Uh... How about a Brother?

GOG: Brother! Never heard of 'em. Show me something else.

L... Luh... (I can't say it!) Lex... LexMark...?

GOG: Holy no! Show me something else.
Me: That's about it, sir. You've gone through my entire printer collection. Did you see anything that looked good to you?
GOG: You mean you don't have anything by Xerox?
Me: I wasn't aware that Xerox made consumer printers. No, I don't have anything from them in the store.
GOG: Fine.

And he walked out without another word. Could have saved both of us half an hour if he would have just asked at first if we had Xerox.

Guess What My Friend Told Me To Get
This customer was one of those high-and-mighty realtors. That's not to say that everyone who deals in real estate is arrogant. But there are some I've met who so overly proud of their career that they announce it at every turn, proudly wear their real estate company's name badges wherever they go, and hand out their business cards instead of saying hello. He wanted a video capture device to copy old home movies to a computer and make DVDs. He also wanted to edit them and make them "look professional." I suggested one that encoded the video using hardware instead of software (which would be faster and have a better picture quality) and came with some nice editing programs.

Arrogant Real Estate Guy: (pointing to the cheapest video capture device on the shelf) Won't this one work?
Me: Sure, it will. But you said you wanted it to look professional. That one encodes with software at a low resolution, and the only "editing" you can do is creating title and menu screens. This one (and I explain the benefits of the hardware encoder I described above).
AREG: Yeah, but the cheap one will work, right?
Me: Yes, it will, but I don't think you'll be satisfied with it. At least, not from what you've described to me about what you want to do with it.
AREG: But my friend has that one, and he said it would work.
Me: It will. I'm just explaining to you that this one--and some others like it that are even more expensive--will work better.
AREG: (dejectedly) Okay. I guess I'll get this one.

I wander off to help someone else. A few minutes later, I went past the video card aisle again and see AREG talking on his bluetooth headset, holding the capture device I suggested. He noticed me and waved me over.

AREG: Hang on, Ted. He's right here. Hey, I'm just talking to my friend because he understands computers better than I do. He agrees that the one with the hardware whatever would be better quality, but he doesn't think I really need it.
Me: Sir, you're welcome to buy whatever you want. Or don't. My job is to explain the options to you and why one is better than another.
AREG: I know, but I just... Well, here, why don't you talk to him?

For a moment I was afraid he was going to hand me his bluetooth thing, but he set the phone on the shelf and turned on the speaker.

AREG: Ted, you there?
Ted: Yeah.
AREG: I've got you on speaker. Tell the guy what you told me.

So Ted tells me he's been using the cheaper one and that it works fine. He says he knows all about the technical details, but he's sure AREG just needs the cheap one, too. Besides, according to Ted, AREG is just copying old movies to his computer.

AREG: Uh, actually, Ted, I wanted to make them into DVDs for my sisters. They're old home movies of us when we were kids and of Mom and Dad before Dad died.
Ted: Oh, really?
AREG: Yeah, I wanted to make something nice for my family.
Ted: Oh. I thought you just wanted it on your computer so you could get rid of all those tapes. Maybe you should get the hardware encoder, then.
AREG: Really? You think so?

I excused myself. I didn't want to be in that conversation any more. It was making me mad. AREG bought the one I suggested after all. Just because I didn't agree with his friend doesn't mean I'm automatically wrong and just out for his money, especially when the friend didn't even know exactly what AREG wanted! Grrr.

[RetailWorkhorse]

NGW: Yeah, but this has an AMD processor. I think I want an Intel instead.

What's the difference between the two? I thought they were brands.

[Deathwing]

What's the difference between the two? I thought they were brands.

Intel and AMD are different manufacturers. They both make CPUs, but they each use different production methods, make different design choices, have different speeds available, require different motherboards, etc. etc.

System makers like Dell, Compaq, Toshiba, etc. then pick one or the other to base systems on, and then sell them from there.

[Pedersen]

What's the difference between the two? I thought they were brands.

Ouch, this is a tough question. And I don't know of any good analogy, so hopefully this poor one will help out sufficiently.

Consider cars. You use them to drive on the highway (in much the same way that you use your processor to run a program). Some cars, from the factory, are better than others.

But you can customize how you wish. You can add on different tires, rims, hubcaps, spoilers, stereo systems, custom paint jobs, etc, etc, ad nauseam. Intel and AMD could be considered to be different brands of cars. Both do the job. Both will run the same programs (99.99% of the time). But they do have some mildly different features that can help in certain specific situations.

Unless you know you need them, though, the specific one doesn't matter. Find the one that gives you the best bang for the buck.

And if you don't know you need it, then you don't. If you want more technical details on the differences, I'll be happy to help provide them, but would prefer not to write up that particular document here and bore the crap out of everybody

[Acolyte]

It's a Coke and Pepsi difference. Some people swear by one and at the other but having used heaps of both, they perform the same for me, honestly.

[rerant]

I was kind of a Guess The Model Number lady when I was buying my laptop, minus the part about actually knowing exactly what I wanted and only pretending to be a moron.
I asked the Dell guy to sell me the most basic laptop they had, since I don't use my computer for anything besides general internet use and word processing.
When it comes to computers I'm a moron and I went in with a, "sell me something cheap and useful that won't die on me," attitude.
This particular salesman basically treated me like the moron I know I am (in terms of the subject matter), and while I know I'm a dummy, it's not necessary to talk to me like I am one.
Eventually I decided I didn't like his attitude and since I'm sure the salesmen at the Dell kiosks work on commission that he didn't deserve the money, so I went home to do the shopping and research on my own and buy online by myself.
For as much as people say that Dell is a crap manufacturer I've never had any problems with my glorified typewriter.

[marasbaras]

It's a Coke and Pepsi difference.

To me, these are vastly different products.

When some waiter or waitress says "It's Pepsi OK?" ... my answer is "no, do you have root beer?"

[prb]

Me (back in November, or was it early December, hmmm) at Future Shop

Me: Looking at notebook computer
SA: Sales Associate
FSA: Friend who is also a sales associate at this store

Me: [look through store for FSA-1 or FSA-2, don't see them, go to computer section]

SA: Do you need any help?
Me: Actually, I'd like to purchase the Toshiba A210-MS4.
SA: Okay, are you interested in the extended warranty?
Me: No, and I know that if I change my mind I can return to buy it within 14 days. [I wanted it, but was low on cash at the time]
SA: Well, what about the recovery CD's?
Me: Computers have software to create them, included, as part of the manufacturer's contract with Microsoft
SA: Oh, well it's only $99 and if it ever needs to be re-installed you can do it yourself instead of paying $150 for a technician to do it
Me: I know, I am capable to doing this myself.
SA: Are you interested in our setup? It's only $99 and will ensure that your system is setup and ready to use.
Me: No, thank you though.
SA: Oh, it's only $99, and the setup is really compicated, it takes our tech 2 hours or more to do it usually.
Me: I am capable of doing it myself.
SA: Okay, will that be credit or debit?
Me: Cash.
SA: Okay, that will be $_. Take this slip to any cashier and they'll help you pay.
Me: Great, [hold hand out for slip], [10 seconds later], um ... I need the slip to pay for it.
SA: Oh yea, I'll print it out for you.
Me: Thanks
SA: Does customer wish to purchase the Product Service Plan? [looks at me]
Me: No
SA: Does customer wish to purchase recovery? [looks at me]
Me: No
SA: Does customer wish to purchase setup? [looks at me]
Me: No
SA: Okay, here's the slip
[walk to casher, who offers warranty, doesn't know what other 2 addons are, reaches for the phone, then enters no and continues]
I pay, and wait for SA to bring computer.
SA: Here you go, and here's your receipt. Are you interested in the extended warranty by any chance?
Me: I don't have enough money right now, if I want it I'll return within 14 days.

I never returned for it.

[Dave1982]

And don't you even think of offering me extra warranties or extra "services" (she used the finger-quotes when she said this, all naivete completely dropped). I used to work for Nearby Store,* and I know it's all a scam anyway.

"OK, that's fine. Have a nice day, and don't you even THINK about bringing your computer back here after the 14-day (or however long your store allows) return policy is up!"



As for the printer guy.....if he thinks Canon sucks, then clearly he's never seen the Xerox printers he seems to like. For one thing, the CHEAPEST printer they make is $400, and I think they SUCK. We have a Phaser 8400 as our store printer (we don't actually sell Xerox machines) and I think it's a horrific pile of crap. It is constantly jamming, throwing errors ("Why does it say paper jam when there IS NO PAPER JAM!!!"), and the print quality is awful.

[jedifarfy]

One of my first printers was a Xerox, about 10 years ago or so. Worst. Printer. Ever. It jammed constantly, printed horribly, made life miserable. We finally stopped printing all together cause it was such a pain.

I get lots of the "Guess the Model" types at the bookstore. They'll stand there for 10 minutes telling you little bits of info about a book they want until they finally pull out a paper with the author, title, and, just to piss me off a little more, the isbn.

JF

[Horsetuna]

I've noticed something about HP and Lexmark... either they work beautifully for you or they dont.

Me, I have never used a bad lexmark. Ever. Hp on the other hand, I had one with a crooked LIGHT inside of it, so it scanned with the light at an angle, and so every little shadow on the paper made the scan 'yellow'. (on a high enough resolution you can see the paper's actual texture!)

BUT, my friend swears by HP, says that she's never had a problem with one and always had problems with Lexmarks.

Anyone else notice that?

[Dreamstalker]

Until recently, I'd had nothing but bad luck with HP (first "real" desktop was an HP and I swear it was possessed). Although my year-old HP laptop's been fairly good (needs a RAM upgrade, but what laptop running Vista doesn't?).

Interestingly, I've been recommending Compaqs to friends who don't want to mess with a custom build and they like them...I have to go on Thursday and support a friend who's having a lot of comp issues, but I have a vague feeling most of that is PEBKAC errors). My family swears by Canon printers.

[Geek King]

As far as printers, I usually look through various reviews and make my decision. Printer quality varies greatly from year to year, so the company you love this year can really suck the next two. If you want a good B&W printer, get a HP LaserJet 4. Its big, bulky, and a little slow, but I've seen them run for years under heavy load with no or few problems. Those things are real troopers in an office envirionment.

[PaRaGaS]

GOG: Bleh. Canon sucks. Show me something else.

Actually, IMO they make some of the best inkjets available.
Especially the mid-range multi-function Pixmas with CCD scanners.

[prb]

I use an HP Laserjet 1012, Samsung ML-2010 and EPSON R280 at home. "Work" has a HP Laserjet 3015 (all-in-one) and a Smith Corona typewriter [I use the typewriter most of the time, faster than printing 3 copies of the forms]. School has a bunch of everything. The worst is the Phaser 8400. Around 2 or 3 times per semester (5 months / half school year) it will crap out, and it takes a week or two to fix.