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10 Things to remember once your 18
This is a list of the top ten things that I have learned under my employment at an 18 and over adult store.
1. "But she's only two, she doesn't know what she's seeing"
Just because you assume that the sign on the door etched in big red letters saying "NO ONE UNDER 18, ID REQUIRED" Doesn't apply to the 6 month old in your stroller and two year old perched on your hip. There are state laws, and even common laws of decency for a reason. I don't care if your child can't understand what they are seeing, they are under 18 and not allowed in side, no matter how much you whine and complain about your spawns obliviousness. No, you can't leave your child in your car unattended in the middle of summer while you look for something to get your jollies off. No, I'm not going to watch them at the counter while you shop.
2. "But it's from the DMV!"
A paper printout, school ID card, grocery discount card and your buisness card do not prove your age, and I wont take them as evidence of it. Yes, you may well have four kids but that doesn't amount to a state ID.
3. "It's my Wife/Girlfriend/Mothers/Partners/Brothers/Daughters card"
To cover my own butt where I worked, I routinely carded people with debit cards. Not because I wanted to make their lives horrible, but because our company had been sued in the past for suspicious transactions. Chances are if your a 6'2" man and I take your card and the name reads "Elizabeth" I'm probably going to ask for your ID. Yes I can see it's the same last name, but your name isn't on the card anywhere. If you intend to use the same account maybe you should get a joint card.
4. "What do you mean you can't take it back? I paid $9.99 and I want a refund!"
Just eww. That was our policy on returns. In strenuous circumstances, they might get a replacement of the same product, but our items didn't come with any sort of guarantee other than the manufacturer's.
5. "The movie I rented skips, can I get a free rental?"
"What are all these late fee's"
The following conversation usually takes place after I've put the movie into the overhead dvd player to scan through the scenes, and checked the surface of the DVD for defects.
Me:Me
DC
umb Customer
Me: Can you tell me where the movie skips sir?
DC: Halfway, toward the end.
Me: Do you remember what scene?
DC:No.
Me:Unless you can tell me what scene so I can see the defect, I can't give you a free rental.
DC: I've been renting here for 10 years! I want my free rental!
Me: It shows in our records that you signed up two months ago. I'm sorry but I can't give you a free rental.
This usually ended with the guy begrudgingly spending another 3 dollars for another rental, and me leaving the tenth note on his account that he'd tried to get a free rental.
With late fee's, it's more like I'm explaining to the renter for the first time in history what a late fee is, how it works, and why they are responsible for them. When someone signs up for an account the late fee policy is stated in bold lettering in the middle of the card. Real hard to miss. It was never they guys with 100+dollars in late fee's that gave me guff, it was always the 4 dollar ones for one day late.
6. "Can I have your number?"
"Do you swing?"
"How freaky are you?"
"Do you like it dirty?"
Out of all the depraved idiots we had come in night after night, I actually felt sorry for these guys. I'd like to know in what world they live in where they think that a clerk at a porn store will go home with them. The last thing on my mind while doing a shift in that cesspool was "Hey, maybe I'll get lucky with a 45 year old creepo tonight! Maybe he will put some great moves on me and ask me if I like it dirty"
The delusions of perv's.
7. "Do you have a place where we can try this out?"
"Do you like this one?"
I can explain features, warranties, and "heresay" testimonials all I want, but these people just cant get it through their head that I don't sit there all night and try the product. Not to mention the items people wanted to try out were often display items, that get handled day in and day out, heavens knows how many germy grimy hands have been on it.
8. "Honey, you people like this don't you?"
It's one thing to be racist, but to be dumb as a board, pretty, and racist in a sex shop still confounds me. This white woman came in, dressed to the nines for 3 am in designer jeans, carrying a knockoff handbag. She was accompanied by her african american boyfriend who looked like he was just trying to get her home to get lucky. The woman picks up a watermelon flavored lube off the rack and holds it up in her hand stating pretty loudly that he would love this because "you people like watermelon". I wasn't aware that I was staring at the poor girl completely dumbstruck that she'd even said something like that. The statement that came next completely threw me for a loop. "What are you looking at honkey?"
Some people are just flipping ridiculous.
8. "You mean I have to pay for this?"
These are what I call bookstore critics, they hover around the magazine racks and duck down to tear shrink wrap off of magazine packs and read as quickly as they can before I throw them out. The worst part about this is it was usually the 80's magazines, which were priced at maybe two dollars to begin with. What kind of society are we when people won't shell out two bucks for smut?
9. "Can we use the restroom?"
Now I say we, because it was never just one person who had to use the toilet, but always a couple. When I explain to them that we don't have a bathroom open to the public they respond with shock and awe about 90% of the time. Should I really have to explain to these people why an adult store doesn't have a public restroom?
10. "What do you know? Your a woman"
I'm very happy that our male customers liked to point this out like it's some kind of unknown bit of trivia to me. This usually was said when I "tried" to help a male customer get something that he would like. These were the indecisive types, that would rather pick up a 10 dollar item that looked like it would leave a nasty rash then spent 20 on something half-decent.
This is my first actual post so I tried to keep it as PG-13 as I could. Hope I didn't offend.
1. "But she's only two, she doesn't know what she's seeing"
Just because you assume that the sign on the door etched in big red letters saying "NO ONE UNDER 18, ID REQUIRED" Doesn't apply to the 6 month old in your stroller and two year old perched on your hip. There are state laws, and even common laws of decency for a reason. I don't care if your child can't understand what they are seeing, they are under 18 and not allowed in side, no matter how much you whine and complain about your spawns obliviousness. No, you can't leave your child in your car unattended in the middle of summer while you look for something to get your jollies off. No, I'm not going to watch them at the counter while you shop.
2. "But it's from the DMV!"
A paper printout, school ID card, grocery discount card and your buisness card do not prove your age, and I wont take them as evidence of it. Yes, you may well have four kids but that doesn't amount to a state ID.
3. "It's my Wife/Girlfriend/Mothers/Partners/Brothers/Daughters card"
To cover my own butt where I worked, I routinely carded people with debit cards. Not because I wanted to make their lives horrible, but because our company had been sued in the past for suspicious transactions. Chances are if your a 6'2" man and I take your card and the name reads "Elizabeth" I'm probably going to ask for your ID. Yes I can see it's the same last name, but your name isn't on the card anywhere. If you intend to use the same account maybe you should get a joint card.
4. "What do you mean you can't take it back? I paid $9.99 and I want a refund!"
Just eww. That was our policy on returns. In strenuous circumstances, they might get a replacement of the same product, but our items didn't come with any sort of guarantee other than the manufacturer's.
5. "The movie I rented skips, can I get a free rental?"
"What are all these late fee's"
The following conversation usually takes place after I've put the movie into the overhead dvd player to scan through the scenes, and checked the surface of the DVD for defects.
Me:Me
DC
umb CustomerMe: Can you tell me where the movie skips sir?
DC: Halfway, toward the end.
Me: Do you remember what scene?
DC:No.
Me:Unless you can tell me what scene so I can see the defect, I can't give you a free rental.
DC: I've been renting here for 10 years! I want my free rental!
Me: It shows in our records that you signed up two months ago. I'm sorry but I can't give you a free rental.
This usually ended with the guy begrudgingly spending another 3 dollars for another rental, and me leaving the tenth note on his account that he'd tried to get a free rental.
With late fee's, it's more like I'm explaining to the renter for the first time in history what a late fee is, how it works, and why they are responsible for them. When someone signs up for an account the late fee policy is stated in bold lettering in the middle of the card. Real hard to miss. It was never they guys with 100+dollars in late fee's that gave me guff, it was always the 4 dollar ones for one day late.
6. "Can I have your number?"
"Do you swing?"
"How freaky are you?"
"Do you like it dirty?"
Out of all the depraved idiots we had come in night after night, I actually felt sorry for these guys. I'd like to know in what world they live in where they think that a clerk at a porn store will go home with them. The last thing on my mind while doing a shift in that cesspool was "Hey, maybe I'll get lucky with a 45 year old creepo tonight! Maybe he will put some great moves on me and ask me if I like it dirty"
The delusions of perv's.
7. "Do you have a place where we can try this out?"
"Do you like this one?"
I can explain features, warranties, and "heresay" testimonials all I want, but these people just cant get it through their head that I don't sit there all night and try the product. Not to mention the items people wanted to try out were often display items, that get handled day in and day out, heavens knows how many germy grimy hands have been on it.
8. "Honey, you people like this don't you?"
It's one thing to be racist, but to be dumb as a board, pretty, and racist in a sex shop still confounds me. This white woman came in, dressed to the nines for 3 am in designer jeans, carrying a knockoff handbag. She was accompanied by her african american boyfriend who looked like he was just trying to get her home to get lucky. The woman picks up a watermelon flavored lube off the rack and holds it up in her hand stating pretty loudly that he would love this because "you people like watermelon". I wasn't aware that I was staring at the poor girl completely dumbstruck that she'd even said something like that. The statement that came next completely threw me for a loop. "What are you looking at honkey?"
Some people are just flipping ridiculous.
8. "You mean I have to pay for this?"
These are what I call bookstore critics, they hover around the magazine racks and duck down to tear shrink wrap off of magazine packs and read as quickly as they can before I throw them out. The worst part about this is it was usually the 80's magazines, which were priced at maybe two dollars to begin with. What kind of society are we when people won't shell out two bucks for smut?
9. "Can we use the restroom?"
Now I say we, because it was never just one person who had to use the toilet, but always a couple. When I explain to them that we don't have a bathroom open to the public they respond with shock and awe about 90% of the time. Should I really have to explain to these people why an adult store doesn't have a public restroom?
10. "What do you know? Your a woman"
I'm very happy that our male customers liked to point this out like it's some kind of unknown bit of trivia to me. This usually was said when I "tried" to help a male customer get something that he would like. These were the indecisive types, that would rather pick up a 10 dollar item that looked like it would leave a nasty rash then spent 20 on something half-decent.
This is my first actual post so I tried to keep it as PG-13 as I could. Hope I didn't offend.
My imagination does a Jesse Owens impression
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