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Ugh.....today's my birthday. I feel old.
No, thank you.
Ok there was a creepy little Spanish guy in sunglasses at Granville this evening with a plate of…..mystery treats….offering them to everyone that came out of the station with the line “Hey man, want a lollipop?!”. They did not look like lollipops…I could not identify them at all as they were small, puck like items possibly made from chocolate, fudge and/or crystal meth. So the term “mystery treats” will have to suffice.
I almost reached for one but luckily years worth of After School Specials rushed to my aid and I remembered just what to do! So I said "NO!" and ran to a neighbour's house.
867
SC: “Uh, yeah, I want the X Metal XX MP3 Sunglasses”
They sound very…..”X-Treme”. They also cost $600. So basically you just spent an amount equal to my rent on a pair of fantastically tacky looking sunglasses that you don’t have the technological know how or equipment to fully utilize and will look immensely silly on you when you show them off to the 9 other people that live in collective arctic hovel you call a town.
Well played, sir. Well played.
867
SC: “Can I get xxxx-xx in a size 9?”
Me: “I’m afraid I only have size 5 in stock.”
SC: “Oh, ok, I’ll take that then.”
….I make no claims to being an expert, but I’m pretty sure this particular fashion venture will not end well for you. In fact it may end with the fire department desperately trying to cut you free before the lack of circulation results in limb loss.
867
SC: “It’s item D on page 27.”
Me: “The Polaris Insulated Ski Pants?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “Alright, what did you want to know?”
SC: “Are they insulated?”
Me: “…..yes, yes they are.”
Argh…just….argh. I don’t even know what to say to you. That was just such a colossal failure on so many levels that I can’t really add to it. You do have a school up there, don’t you? I know I saw one on the laughable website for your barren location that attempts to claim it’s a tourist destination. So what the hell is going on at this “school”? What are the graduation requirements? Something like:
"Hey Billy, did you zip up your pants without your mom's help today?"
"Yes, Mr Miller!"
"Did you make it till lunch without pissing yourself?"
"Yes, Mr Miller!"
"Did you manage to keep your hand out of your pants till lunch?"
"Yes, Mr Miller!"
"Congratulations! Here's your diploma!"
?
Ill Equipped
So Burnaby is a frigid death laden ice rink and has been for the last 3 days. So what’s the absolute best choice of winter clothing for it? If you said a miniskirt, high heels, purse and on a cell phone so not paying attention to the ice then you’re a winner! You’ll also end up on your ass in the snow with a shocked look on your face while your friends try to help you up. Only to almost fall two more times as you desperate cling to them for stability while a crowd of onlookers observes in obvious mirth.
Ok?
Me: “Good evening, Imperial <company>-“
SC: “What?”
Me: “Imperial <company>”
SC: “What do you mean, I’m per <company>?”
Me: “No, Imperial <company>.”
SC: “Oh, uh…”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
Me: “Is there something I can help you with?”
SC: “Uh…yeah, there’s something you can help me with.”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
Me: “Such as?”
SC: “Uh…..just hold on a minute.”
( He combines his meager mental power with someone else in the background for a while )
SC: “You’re a bitch. <click>”
….ok. You know, the whole point of a “come back” is that you immediately reply. That’s why it’s called a “come back” instead of a “Wait a minute, I’ll be back”. It’s also kind of sad that despite taking a time out and conferring with your friends that was all you could come up with. I mean there’s fighting unarmed in a battle of wits and then there’s throwing rocks at an aircraft carrier then proudly proclaiming victory for your country in a series of badly filmed Youtube videos.
Passive Aggressive
SC: “Um…can you tell me what the penalty is for illegal dumping?”
Judging from your shame laden tone of voice the actual question was “Can you tell me if I’m really in big trouble right now?”. Sadly, I could not answer your inquiry. However, I did make sure to make what answers I did give as vague as possible so you could spent the rest of the day stressing yourself out by worrying your ass off as to whether or not they’re going to fine and/or arrest you.
Why you ask? Because it’s fun.
Technology
Me: “Ok, what type of system do you have?”
SC: “Wha? System?”
Me: “Yes, what kind of system is it?”
SC: “…the computer.”
Me: “….ok, but what type of system is the computer?”
SC: “….the store computer.”
Ok, let’s just stop right there before you flounder your way down to “The box with the blinking lights and the cup holder.”
Hot Tips for America
Tonight’s suggestion was that Iran could be defeated with psychological warfare. However, you revealed you did not know what psychological warfare was, what it entailed or how to apply it. Curiously, unlike your normal calls where you just rant at length until you run out of stupid juice this time you actually wanted my opinion on the matter and waited for my responses. Unfortunately for you, all I couldn’t bring myself to muster was bitter, resentful silence with the occasional sarcastic acknowledgment of your dribbling.
867 - A Visual Aid
See this:
This is a Llama.
It is a large land mammal known best for spitting on anything that moves within 10 feet and looking particularly slack witted when viewed from the front. It is also more intelligent then you are, better equip at handling complex tasks, more attractive, leads a more fulfilling life and is more useful to humanity.
This Llama is better then you are.
( and yes, I DID attach the picture of the llama to my shift report. )
Ahh, days off. -.-
No, thank you.
Ok there was a creepy little Spanish guy in sunglasses at Granville this evening with a plate of…..mystery treats….offering them to everyone that came out of the station with the line “Hey man, want a lollipop?!”. They did not look like lollipops…I could not identify them at all as they were small, puck like items possibly made from chocolate, fudge and/or crystal meth. So the term “mystery treats” will have to suffice.
I almost reached for one but luckily years worth of After School Specials rushed to my aid and I remembered just what to do! So I said "NO!" and ran to a neighbour's house.
867
SC: “Uh, yeah, I want the X Metal XX MP3 Sunglasses”
They sound very…..”X-Treme”. They also cost $600. So basically you just spent an amount equal to my rent on a pair of fantastically tacky looking sunglasses that you don’t have the technological know how or equipment to fully utilize and will look immensely silly on you when you show them off to the 9 other people that live in collective arctic hovel you call a town.
Well played, sir. Well played.
867
SC: “Can I get xxxx-xx in a size 9?”
Me: “I’m afraid I only have size 5 in stock.”
SC: “Oh, ok, I’ll take that then.”
….I make no claims to being an expert, but I’m pretty sure this particular fashion venture will not end well for you. In fact it may end with the fire department desperately trying to cut you free before the lack of circulation results in limb loss.
867
SC: “It’s item D on page 27.”
Me: “The Polaris Insulated Ski Pants?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “Alright, what did you want to know?”
SC: “Are they insulated?”
Me: “…..yes, yes they are.”
Argh…just….argh. I don’t even know what to say to you. That was just such a colossal failure on so many levels that I can’t really add to it. You do have a school up there, don’t you? I know I saw one on the laughable website for your barren location that attempts to claim it’s a tourist destination. So what the hell is going on at this “school”? What are the graduation requirements? Something like:
"Hey Billy, did you zip up your pants without your mom's help today?"
"Yes, Mr Miller!"
"Did you make it till lunch without pissing yourself?"
"Yes, Mr Miller!"
"Did you manage to keep your hand out of your pants till lunch?"
"Yes, Mr Miller!"
"Congratulations! Here's your diploma!"
?
Ill Equipped
So Burnaby is a frigid death laden ice rink and has been for the last 3 days. So what’s the absolute best choice of winter clothing for it? If you said a miniskirt, high heels, purse and on a cell phone so not paying attention to the ice then you’re a winner! You’ll also end up on your ass in the snow with a shocked look on your face while your friends try to help you up. Only to almost fall two more times as you desperate cling to them for stability while a crowd of onlookers observes in obvious mirth.
Ok?
Me: “Good evening, Imperial <company>-“
SC: “What?”
Me: “Imperial <company>”
SC: “What do you mean, I’m per <company>?”
Me: “No, Imperial <company>.”
SC: “Oh, uh…”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
Me: “Is there something I can help you with?”
SC: “Uh…yeah, there’s something you can help me with.”
Me: “…….”
SC: “…….”
Me: “Such as?”
SC: “Uh…..just hold on a minute.”
( He combines his meager mental power with someone else in the background for a while )
SC: “You’re a bitch. <click>”
….ok. You know, the whole point of a “come back” is that you immediately reply. That’s why it’s called a “come back” instead of a “Wait a minute, I’ll be back”. It’s also kind of sad that despite taking a time out and conferring with your friends that was all you could come up with. I mean there’s fighting unarmed in a battle of wits and then there’s throwing rocks at an aircraft carrier then proudly proclaiming victory for your country in a series of badly filmed Youtube videos.
Passive Aggressive
SC: “Um…can you tell me what the penalty is for illegal dumping?”
Judging from your shame laden tone of voice the actual question was “Can you tell me if I’m really in big trouble right now?”. Sadly, I could not answer your inquiry. However, I did make sure to make what answers I did give as vague as possible so you could spent the rest of the day stressing yourself out by worrying your ass off as to whether or not they’re going to fine and/or arrest you.
Why you ask? Because it’s fun.
Technology
Me: “Ok, what type of system do you have?”
SC: “Wha? System?”
Me: “Yes, what kind of system is it?”
SC: “…the computer.”
Me: “….ok, but what type of system is the computer?”
SC: “….the store computer.”
Ok, let’s just stop right there before you flounder your way down to “The box with the blinking lights and the cup holder.”
Hot Tips for America
Tonight’s suggestion was that Iran could be defeated with psychological warfare. However, you revealed you did not know what psychological warfare was, what it entailed or how to apply it. Curiously, unlike your normal calls where you just rant at length until you run out of stupid juice this time you actually wanted my opinion on the matter and waited for my responses. Unfortunately for you, all I couldn’t bring myself to muster was bitter, resentful silence with the occasional sarcastic acknowledgment of your dribbling.
867 - A Visual Aid
See this:
This is a Llama.
It is a large land mammal known best for spitting on anything that moves within 10 feet and looking particularly slack witted when viewed from the front. It is also more intelligent then you are, better equip at handling complex tasks, more attractive, leads a more fulfilling life and is more useful to humanity.
This Llama is better then you are.
( and yes, I DID attach the picture of the llama to my shift report. )
Ahh, days off. -.-
As far as the technology post, welcome to tech support! I can't understand why someone, anyone really, would bother getting a computer if they don't know WTF it is. Granted, up until recently I couldn't recite what exactly was IN my computer, but then, that's primarily because I wasn't looking to upgrade it anytime soon. Fun stuff!
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