No Amount of Wearing Me Down is Going to Work

[Dips]

And it's not because I have infinite patience. It's because the unlocking code you keep asking for doesn't exist yet.

The reason it doesn't exist is that you haven't followed my directions and given me the necessary string of numbers from your computer.

Yes. I realize you keep giving me a string of numbers and asking me why I won't give you the code.

But you keep giving me the string of numbers from the old computer, not the computer you need the code for.

I mean I COULD pretend it will work and I COULD use them to generate an unlocking code and send it to you.

But that code won't work. I believe I've told you in no less than five email that it won't work.

And yet you keep trying with that string of numbers that we both know is bogus.

I can't believe you are truly so stupid that following very simple directions is too hard.

I believe you think, despite all I've told you, that I really have an unlocking code and am holding out on you. You think that playing dumb and repeating the same error will wear me down and make me give it to you.

I assure you that's not the case. I CAN'T send you the code because it doesn't exist. Even if I wanted to (which I DON'T). It. Doesn't. Exist. Therefore. I. Can't. Send. It.

I've decided that you need a dose of your own medicine. I'm now going to repeat my instructions verbatim in every email until I get evidence that you've actually tried to follow them.

Perhaps that will wear you down. Or perhaps it won't and you'll keep trying. No problem. I'm not the one with non-functioning software.

And only one of us is being paid for wasted time and effort and it's not you.

[marty]

You think maybe he keeps just hitting re-send without reading the reply?

"Duurh! PUSH BUTTON MAKE WORK!"

[Gerrinson]

Ah, see, now I have the problem in reverse. Whenever I, as a customer, deal with <insert one of 3 large corporations I do business with> by email, they send me a lovely cut & paste response that quotes their FAQ page. Which I've already read, and if it had solved my problem, I would not have emailed them.

I then respond noting their timely response and why it does not apply to my problem. They respond with an apology followed by the very same cut & paste. Wash, rinse, repeat several more times until one of their reps actually reads my email and realizes that the cut & past does not apply to me.

My guess is that your customer probably works as Tier 1 for one of these corporations and would qualify as a Co-Irker.

[Dips]

Gerrison:

You must the be that one guy who actually reads the FAQ page.

Anyway, what you described sounds very frustrating. We at least read and TRY to understand all the emails we get; it's an art.

I don't think my SC had any trouble understanding or reading. I have another theory.

You know how people will sometimes intentionally goof up an unpleasant job in the hopes that they won't be expected to do it?

I believe these folks are deliberately screwing up in the hopes I'll become frustrated and give them the secret code that gets around our copy protection.

The problem is that there ISN'T a secret code.

[Fiyero]

I'm now going to repeat my instructions verbatim in every email until I get evidence that you've actually tried to follow them.

I work at a call centre booking appointments for NHS hospital appointments. We get all kinds of people phoning us, many who don't want to put any effort into the process. repeating things word for word seems to be the only way to shut them up.

A common one:
me: The earliest appointment is the 6th of April.
sc: Is there nothing sooner?
me: The earliest appointment is the 6th of April.

[Dips]

Now that I've vented, I'm beginning to find this funny

I hadn't heard from these guys for a few days so I thought I finally got through to them with my last email.

Wrong!

Yet another email with the same string of numbers that we both know didn't come from their computer and they've been told multiple times isn't going to work.

So I copied and pasted my instructions again and added a sentence mentioning the importance of supplying accurate information so that I can help them better. Which is a politer way of letting them know that I can't help them if they lie to me.

I'm wondering just how long they're going to keep this up.

[yomiko]

I had a client almost exactly like this at one point. But unlike you I completely cracked (and how I'm still employed I don't know). My response e-mail started off: as I wrote you on October 5, November 10, November 15, December and January 20: <insert copy of block of text from said e-mails with certain phrases bolded, others in red and some with the font size TRIPLE of the words around it and I believe one key phrase may have been subjected to all three formatting treatments>. Also, as I mentioned on <list of dates>: <insert copy of some other oft repeated text, rudely formatted as above>.

It pretty much continued in that vein for about a page and a half. The only new typing was lists of dates of my previous e-mails which I followed up with rudely hilighted, copied text. I believe that I even copied a certain block of text twice to hammer a point home. I did nothing to conceal the fact that I thought he was a blithering idiot as his questions had clearly shown that he had not bothered to read the previous e-mails. E-mails that were templates that had been in use for years that most everyone else understood (and those that didn't at least got it on the second or third tries).

Rude but effective. His next e-mail indicated that he followed the instructions and that the software now worked. Imagine that.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

You think maybe he keeps just hitting re-send without reading the reply?

"Duurh! PUSH BUTTON MAKE WORK!"

That would make an awesome Far Side cartoon . . . if it hadn't been retired.

[Dips]

SUCCESS!

I got an email today from these folks and groaned a bit when I saw the name in my inbox. I opened it and it said it had a question about using the program.

Using the program could mean only one thing! So I checked and they managed to activate once on February 14 and once on March 6!

Yeah!

I think changing my instructions slightly the last time I emailed them is what finally got through.

On step 4 which reads:

"Look at the next screen. There should be a serial number and a xx-digit reference code."

I modified to read as follows:

"Look at the next screen. There should be a serial number and a xx-digit reference code. The reference code will not be [string of numbers they've been giving me all along]."

Anyway, I'm happy for them. And, since the question was in Carl's area of expertise and not mine, I lobbed it to him. So I'm happy for me too.

Carl's probably going to kill me.

[Boozy]

Carl's probably going to kill me.

You tell Carl that we're all here for him, and we look forward to his first post.