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When I worked for Red Dog Blue Cat Store, I was authorized to refuse a sale of a live animal for any reason, though I'd have to answer to the manager if they complained and I was found to have refused the sale for reasons unrelated to the animal's health and well being. It was small protection against the innumerable SCs who bought and mistreated pets or the poor health our deliveries arrived in, but it was better than nothing. I wielded this power only for good, and rather enjoyed the reactions from people when I denied them the right to purchase and abuse animals. The following are only a few of those stories.
Sir, I can't sell you this parakeet. You smell too bad.
We had a regular customer who, though not particularly sucky, was always very short with anyone helping him. He also stank to high heaven. I'm not talking about "gosh, take a shower!" I'm talking, his armpits should have been registered as lethal weapons. It was so bad that, one morning when I'd been forced to come in despite being so sick I had puked seven times between clocking in and this customer's arrival, my manager raced out of the back office to help him. She was that afraid that my queasy stomach would result in his being covered in vomit if I had to smell him.
He liked to buy parakeets, one at a time. He bought food and cuttlebones and generally indicated he was actually caring for them, not feeding them to something. However, it soon became alarming that he was purchasing them at such a rapid rate. When he'd bought one every week for the past three weeks, my manager confronted him.
SC= Stinky Customer
CM: Cool Manager
CM: "We've sold you three parakeets in three weeks. Do you still have those?"
SC: "Yes." (puzzled)
CM: "What kind of cage are you keeping them in?"
SC walked over to the cage display and pointed to a cage hardly big enough for two.
CM: "I'm afraid that's a bit too small for three parakeets. I'll need you to buy another cage if you want another bird."
SC: *grunt* "They're all in my bedroom, y'know?"
CM: "The cage location doesn't really matter. It's just too small."
SC: "I can't afford another cage right now. That's why I have parakeets, they're cheap."
CM: "Then I'm afraid we'll have to stop selling you parakeets."
SC: "Fine."
To his credit, he didn't throw a fit, nor did he return to try to trick other employees into selling birds to him. He just walked out, and never again did we see him nor the cloud of green haze that wafted in the door with him. As he left, my manager walked over and confided:
CM: "I'm going to write a note in the back office not to sell any more birds to the man who smells so bad it makes you nauseous. With his hygiene, I'm worried that his house isn't a safe place for birds."
She did, and for the rest of my tenure at the store, a sticky note remained in the back room saying, "The man who smells so bad it makes you nauseous may not purchase birds."
Parakeets =/= Food.
We had a customer who owned a caiman. He and his girlfriend were regulars. They also had a kitten, which was very cute. I worried about its being in the same house with the caiman, but no harm came to it. He actually seemed a decent sort, despite his ownership of an animal unsuited for being kept as a pet, until one afternoon I was on register and he approached with a box containing a parakeet...
CG: Caiman Guy
Me: Yours Truly
ML: Manager Lady
CG: "Yeah, this'll be it."
Me: (looking at the form he has to fill out to buy an animal, and finding it blank) "Oh, could you just fill this out here? You need it for your 14 day guarantee."
CG: "I told the guy who caught the bird for me I didn't need it. You can just toss that."
Me: "Oh, really? Actually, I'm required to have this for every animal we sell- we can get in trouble with corporate for not doing them, since this is where the customer agrees to take good care of the pet."
CG: "I really won't be needing that. I'm just going to toss it in with my caiman. It's not going to last 14 hours, much less 14 days."
Me:
"Excuse me, sir, let me just check with my manager about that." (I page the manager, who confirms that we do NOT sell parakeets as food).
Me: "Sorry, I can't sell you this parakeet for food."
CG: "But I've bought them here before...."
Me: "If you told the employee it was for food, or didn't fill out the slip, the employee is at fault for selling the bird. Do you remember who helped you before?"
CG: "Yeah, it was Dumb Jock."
Me: "I'll have a word with him. Meanwhile, though, I can't sell you this parakeet for food."
CG: "Okay, what if I fill out the form and SAY it's a pet?" *wink wink*
Me: "NO."
I turned the patented Glare of Death on him, he cowered and acquiesced.
CG: "I'll just go somewhere else."
He stomped off, and I returned the poor parakeet to its habitat. Moments later, Dumb Jock got a Lecture of Doom (tm) and the back room got another sticky note:
"The caiman owner with green hair and an eyebrow piercing, whose girlfriend dyed their cat for Halloween, may not buy any animals except those sold specifically as live food."
You put your Angelfish in WHAT?!
A customer with two young sons came in while I was working the fish department. He lingered in front of the Angelfish for a few minutes, so I came up and offered help.
SD: Sucky Dad
Me:
Kid One: Older son, 9ish
Kid Two: 7ish
Me: "Can I help you find anything?"
SD: "Yeah, I was thinking I ought to get another angelfish. Do you have any that don't get too big?"
Me: "Freshwater or salt?"
SD: "Fresh."
Me: "I can't guarantee it. The freshwater Angels are of assorted species, and most get quite large- up to nine inches in length, sometimes larger. Some do stay small, but not knowing the exact species when they come in, I couldn't point them out."
SD: "Damn, that sucks. See, I had an angelfish, and he got, like, the size of a dinner plate."
Me: "That's not uncommon. If you want a smaller fish the same shape, I have a few barbs that are similar."
SD: "Yeah, he was too big for the tank anymore. So I put him down the garbage disposal."
Me:
Kid One: "IT WAS SO COOL!"
Kid Two: "Pieces went EVERYWHERE!"
Kid One: "Can we do that again when the new one gets big?"
Me: "Ah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline to sell any fish to you, sir. We encourage our customers to rehome their fish or bring them to us for adoption if they can no longer keep them, and we STRONGLY discourage the INHUMANE disposal of fish."
SD: "What?"
Me: "In simple terms, I'm not selling you any fish knowing what you did to your last one. Is there anything not alive I can help you find?"
He grabbed his sons by the shoulders and left the store in a huff. I went into the break room and seethed for a while, yelling random things about parenting, the decline of society, and where serial killers come from.
I don't think you're going to get the intended results...
Two boys came into the store, having found a small garter snake in their yard. We got this kind of thing pretty often in the summer, so I was used to encouraging them to feed the garter snake a guppy or two and then let it go.
B1: Boy One
B2: Boy 2
Me: Have you figured this out yet?
B1: "We found this snake in our yard..."
B2: "Yeah, it has stripes and it's like this big." (indicates a little over a foot)
Me: "Sounds like a garter snake. Congratulations on catching it! They're fascinating animals to observe, but really best left in the wild, though keeping it for a couple days might be fun."
B1: "Okay, well, what can we feed it? We put it in a bowl with some dirt."
Me: "A guppy would be a good choice. I can get you a little guppy and you just put it in the snake's water bowl- he'll eat it. Some people feed them goldfish, but members of the carp family aren't really ideal snake food."
B2: "A fish? That sounds boring."
Me: "You could try catching an insect like a grasshopper, or getting some large feeder crickets for it. Garter snakes primarily eat fish and insects in the wild."
B1: "How about a hamster?"
B2: "What about those guinea pigs?"
Me: "Garter snakes don't really eat rodents. Even if they did, a hamster or guinea pig would be more likely to hurt a snake that small than the other way around."
B1: "Huh. What about the dwarf hamsters? They're small."
Me: "No. Garter snakes don't eat rodents."
B2: "What about a mouse?"
Me: "It'll eat a guppy."
B1: "Oooh, let's feed him a RABBIT!"
Me: "Excuse me, I need to help another customer. Let me know if I can get you a fish or cricket for your snake."
I wandered off to help another customer, and hoped the boys would leave before I had to outright refuse to sell anything to them without a parent present- the last thing I wanted was to deal with an angry parent believing her son should be able to buy a rodent, totally unsupervised, with no intention of taking good care of it. Sadly, they had not yet disappeared. They returned, wearing angelic expressions, and pleaded:
B1: "Ma'am, would you please get us a hamster?"
B2: "For our sister's birthday!"
.....Do I look THAT stupid? No, don't answer that, please. I stood there, dumbfounded for a moment, then burst out in laughter and walked away. The two little boys looked at each other, shrugged, and finally left the store.
Sorry, we don't take trade-ins.
During one of the busiest days of the year, the day when we hold our annual adoption event, a man appeared with a gerbil in a tiny carrier. The poor thing looked miserable
as did the kids trailing after him.
SM: Sucky Man
Me:
VBM: Very Busy Manager
SM: "Yeah, hi, could I trade this for a hamster?"
Me:
"Are you returning the gerbil? Do you have your receipt?"
SM: "No, listen, I don't want it anymore. I want a hamster. I want to trade."
Me: "We don't really do that, sir."
SM: "Okay, well then you can just buy it from me, and I'll buy a hamster with the money."
Me: "We also don't buy animals from the public. If you don't want the gerbil anymore, I'd be glad to put it up for adoption, with my manager's permission."
SM: "What, so you can profit off it and I get to pay twice? No, I want to trade it for a hamster."
Me: "We don't charge an adoption fee for animals surrendered by the public, sir- they're free to good homes, with an optional donation to the non-profit Red Dog Blue Cat Foundation."
SM: "Well that's fine and dandy for you, but what about me? I want a HAMSTER, and I'm not paying $12 for a damn hamster!"
Me: "I'm only able to offer to take the gerbil off your hands and find it a good home, and actually I'm going to decline to sell a hamster unless you purchase a cage and the necessary accessories to care for it- so plan on about $60, at least."
SM: "$60? $60? See here, I'm the customer and you're the employee. You do what I WANT!"
Me: "I can get a manager for you if you like. She'll stand by my decision."
SM: "Fine! Get one!"
Me: (pages manager)
VBM: "Can I help you?"
SM: "Yes, your hired help there is being VERY rude. I just want to trade this gerbil for a hamster."
VBM: "I'm sorry, we don't do that. We can take the gerbil for adoption, though."
SM: "No, I don't want to give it away, I paid good money for it! I just want a hamster instead."
Me: "VBM, I also mentioned to him that since that traveling carrier is obviously far too small to house that gerbil, he'll need to buy a cage and accessories if he wants a hamster."
SM: "That's RIDICULOUS! Like I told your employee there, I'm the customer, and I tell YOU what I'll buy, not the other way around. Now, will you just take this gerbil and give me a hamster instead?"
VBM: "Actually, Saydrah is correct. I trust her judgement, and if she doesn't feel it's wise to sell you a hamster without a cage, I agree."
SM: "Well, if you don't need the gerbil, you can just kill it or feed it to a snake and give me a hamster."
VBM: "No, and with that attitude toward a pet, I'm not selling you anything."
SM: "That's RIDICULOUS! I'm going to PETSMART!"
Me: "That's fine, but you should know they don't even take adoption animals in from the public, much less take trades."
SM: "What would YOU know?"
Me: .....
SM: (hands me his Red Dog Blue Cat discount card) "Cut this up for me will you? I'm NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!!!!"
He stomped out, taking the sniffling kids with him, along with the poor gerbil, which I wasn't able to get him to hand over. I hope Petsmart had better luck taking it away from him somehow...
I took a 15 minute break to calm down, and spent it pacing angrily, waving my arms and yelling.
Sir, I can't sell you this parakeet. You smell too bad.
We had a regular customer who, though not particularly sucky, was always very short with anyone helping him. He also stank to high heaven. I'm not talking about "gosh, take a shower!" I'm talking, his armpits should have been registered as lethal weapons. It was so bad that, one morning when I'd been forced to come in despite being so sick I had puked seven times between clocking in and this customer's arrival, my manager raced out of the back office to help him. She was that afraid that my queasy stomach would result in his being covered in vomit if I had to smell him.
He liked to buy parakeets, one at a time. He bought food and cuttlebones and generally indicated he was actually caring for them, not feeding them to something. However, it soon became alarming that he was purchasing them at such a rapid rate. When he'd bought one every week for the past three weeks, my manager confronted him.
SC= Stinky Customer
CM: Cool Manager
CM: "We've sold you three parakeets in three weeks. Do you still have those?"
SC: "Yes." (puzzled)
CM: "What kind of cage are you keeping them in?"
SC walked over to the cage display and pointed to a cage hardly big enough for two.
CM: "I'm afraid that's a bit too small for three parakeets. I'll need you to buy another cage if you want another bird."
SC: *grunt* "They're all in my bedroom, y'know?"
CM: "The cage location doesn't really matter. It's just too small."
SC: "I can't afford another cage right now. That's why I have parakeets, they're cheap."
CM: "Then I'm afraid we'll have to stop selling you parakeets."
SC: "Fine."
To his credit, he didn't throw a fit, nor did he return to try to trick other employees into selling birds to him. He just walked out, and never again did we see him nor the cloud of green haze that wafted in the door with him. As he left, my manager walked over and confided:
CM: "I'm going to write a note in the back office not to sell any more birds to the man who smells so bad it makes you nauseous. With his hygiene, I'm worried that his house isn't a safe place for birds."
She did, and for the rest of my tenure at the store, a sticky note remained in the back room saying, "The man who smells so bad it makes you nauseous may not purchase birds."
Parakeets =/= Food.
We had a customer who owned a caiman. He and his girlfriend were regulars. They also had a kitten, which was very cute. I worried about its being in the same house with the caiman, but no harm came to it. He actually seemed a decent sort, despite his ownership of an animal unsuited for being kept as a pet, until one afternoon I was on register and he approached with a box containing a parakeet...
CG: Caiman Guy
Me: Yours Truly
ML: Manager Lady
CG: "Yeah, this'll be it."
Me: (looking at the form he has to fill out to buy an animal, and finding it blank) "Oh, could you just fill this out here? You need it for your 14 day guarantee."
CG: "I told the guy who caught the bird for me I didn't need it. You can just toss that."
Me: "Oh, really? Actually, I'm required to have this for every animal we sell- we can get in trouble with corporate for not doing them, since this is where the customer agrees to take good care of the pet."
CG: "I really won't be needing that. I'm just going to toss it in with my caiman. It's not going to last 14 hours, much less 14 days."
Me:
"Excuse me, sir, let me just check with my manager about that." (I page the manager, who confirms that we do NOT sell parakeets as food).Me: "Sorry, I can't sell you this parakeet for food."
CG: "But I've bought them here before...."
Me: "If you told the employee it was for food, or didn't fill out the slip, the employee is at fault for selling the bird. Do you remember who helped you before?"
CG: "Yeah, it was Dumb Jock."
Me: "I'll have a word with him. Meanwhile, though, I can't sell you this parakeet for food."
CG: "Okay, what if I fill out the form and SAY it's a pet?" *wink wink*
Me: "NO."
I turned the patented Glare of Death on him, he cowered and acquiesced.
CG: "I'll just go somewhere else."
He stomped off, and I returned the poor parakeet to its habitat. Moments later, Dumb Jock got a Lecture of Doom (tm) and the back room got another sticky note:
"The caiman owner with green hair and an eyebrow piercing, whose girlfriend dyed their cat for Halloween, may not buy any animals except those sold specifically as live food."
You put your Angelfish in WHAT?!
A customer with two young sons came in while I was working the fish department. He lingered in front of the Angelfish for a few minutes, so I came up and offered help.
SD: Sucky Dad
Me:
Kid One: Older son, 9ish
Kid Two: 7ish
Me: "Can I help you find anything?"
SD: "Yeah, I was thinking I ought to get another angelfish. Do you have any that don't get too big?"
Me: "Freshwater or salt?"
SD: "Fresh."
Me: "I can't guarantee it. The freshwater Angels are of assorted species, and most get quite large- up to nine inches in length, sometimes larger. Some do stay small, but not knowing the exact species when they come in, I couldn't point them out."
SD: "Damn, that sucks. See, I had an angelfish, and he got, like, the size of a dinner plate."
Me: "That's not uncommon. If you want a smaller fish the same shape, I have a few barbs that are similar."
SD: "Yeah, he was too big for the tank anymore. So I put him down the garbage disposal."
Me:
Kid One: "IT WAS SO COOL!"
Kid Two: "Pieces went EVERYWHERE!"
Kid One: "Can we do that again when the new one gets big?"
Me: "Ah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline to sell any fish to you, sir. We encourage our customers to rehome their fish or bring them to us for adoption if they can no longer keep them, and we STRONGLY discourage the INHUMANE disposal of fish."
SD: "What?"
Me: "In simple terms, I'm not selling you any fish knowing what you did to your last one. Is there anything not alive I can help you find?"
He grabbed his sons by the shoulders and left the store in a huff. I went into the break room and seethed for a while, yelling random things about parenting, the decline of society, and where serial killers come from.
I don't think you're going to get the intended results...
Two boys came into the store, having found a small garter snake in their yard. We got this kind of thing pretty often in the summer, so I was used to encouraging them to feed the garter snake a guppy or two and then let it go.
B1: Boy One
B2: Boy 2
Me: Have you figured this out yet?
B1: "We found this snake in our yard..."
B2: "Yeah, it has stripes and it's like this big." (indicates a little over a foot)
Me: "Sounds like a garter snake. Congratulations on catching it! They're fascinating animals to observe, but really best left in the wild, though keeping it for a couple days might be fun."
B1: "Okay, well, what can we feed it? We put it in a bowl with some dirt."
Me: "A guppy would be a good choice. I can get you a little guppy and you just put it in the snake's water bowl- he'll eat it. Some people feed them goldfish, but members of the carp family aren't really ideal snake food."
B2: "A fish? That sounds boring."
Me: "You could try catching an insect like a grasshopper, or getting some large feeder crickets for it. Garter snakes primarily eat fish and insects in the wild."
B1: "How about a hamster?"
B2: "What about those guinea pigs?"
Me: "Garter snakes don't really eat rodents. Even if they did, a hamster or guinea pig would be more likely to hurt a snake that small than the other way around."
B1: "Huh. What about the dwarf hamsters? They're small."
Me: "No. Garter snakes don't eat rodents."
B2: "What about a mouse?"
Me: "It'll eat a guppy."
B1: "Oooh, let's feed him a RABBIT!"
Me: "Excuse me, I need to help another customer. Let me know if I can get you a fish or cricket for your snake."
I wandered off to help another customer, and hoped the boys would leave before I had to outright refuse to sell anything to them without a parent present- the last thing I wanted was to deal with an angry parent believing her son should be able to buy a rodent, totally unsupervised, with no intention of taking good care of it. Sadly, they had not yet disappeared. They returned, wearing angelic expressions, and pleaded:
B1: "Ma'am, would you please get us a hamster?"
B2: "For our sister's birthday!"
.....Do I look THAT stupid? No, don't answer that, please. I stood there, dumbfounded for a moment, then burst out in laughter and walked away. The two little boys looked at each other, shrugged, and finally left the store.
Sorry, we don't take trade-ins.
During one of the busiest days of the year, the day when we hold our annual adoption event, a man appeared with a gerbil in a tiny carrier. The poor thing looked miserable
as did the kids trailing after him.SM: Sucky Man
Me:
VBM: Very Busy Manager
SM: "Yeah, hi, could I trade this for a hamster?"
Me:
"Are you returning the gerbil? Do you have your receipt?"SM: "No, listen, I don't want it anymore. I want a hamster. I want to trade."
Me: "We don't really do that, sir."
SM: "Okay, well then you can just buy it from me, and I'll buy a hamster with the money."
Me: "We also don't buy animals from the public. If you don't want the gerbil anymore, I'd be glad to put it up for adoption, with my manager's permission."
SM: "What, so you can profit off it and I get to pay twice? No, I want to trade it for a hamster."
Me: "We don't charge an adoption fee for animals surrendered by the public, sir- they're free to good homes, with an optional donation to the non-profit Red Dog Blue Cat Foundation."
SM: "Well that's fine and dandy for you, but what about me? I want a HAMSTER, and I'm not paying $12 for a damn hamster!"
Me: "I'm only able to offer to take the gerbil off your hands and find it a good home, and actually I'm going to decline to sell a hamster unless you purchase a cage and the necessary accessories to care for it- so plan on about $60, at least."
SM: "$60? $60? See here, I'm the customer and you're the employee. You do what I WANT!"
Me: "I can get a manager for you if you like. She'll stand by my decision."
SM: "Fine! Get one!"
Me: (pages manager)
VBM: "Can I help you?"
SM: "Yes, your hired help there is being VERY rude. I just want to trade this gerbil for a hamster."
VBM: "I'm sorry, we don't do that. We can take the gerbil for adoption, though."
SM: "No, I don't want to give it away, I paid good money for it! I just want a hamster instead."
Me: "VBM, I also mentioned to him that since that traveling carrier is obviously far too small to house that gerbil, he'll need to buy a cage and accessories if he wants a hamster."
SM: "That's RIDICULOUS! Like I told your employee there, I'm the customer, and I tell YOU what I'll buy, not the other way around. Now, will you just take this gerbil and give me a hamster instead?"
VBM: "Actually, Saydrah is correct. I trust her judgement, and if she doesn't feel it's wise to sell you a hamster without a cage, I agree."
SM: "Well, if you don't need the gerbil, you can just kill it or feed it to a snake and give me a hamster."
VBM: "No, and with that attitude toward a pet, I'm not selling you anything."
SM: "That's RIDICULOUS! I'm going to PETSMART!"
Me: "That's fine, but you should know they don't even take adoption animals in from the public, much less take trades."
SM: "What would YOU know?"
Me: .....
SM: (hands me his Red Dog Blue Cat discount card) "Cut this up for me will you? I'm NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!!!!"
He stomped out, taking the sniffling kids with him, along with the poor gerbil, which I wasn't able to get him to hand over. I hope Petsmart had better luck taking it away from him somehow...
I took a 15 minute break to calm down, and spent it pacing angrily, waving my arms and yelling.
Ok, have a nice day 
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