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Yes, there are flippin' cats ( Among other things ) again. By popular request. ;p
Adventure!
SC: “But it says 24 hours!”
Normally, I would belittle and demean you at length for bringing such absurdity to my doorstep at 5am. But sadly, it does in fact say “Call 24 hours” on the catalogue and I can offer no defense to your cunning logic. However, it does not specify what to call 24 hours for. It just leaves it blank in a sort of “Choose your Own Adventure” kind of way:
If you called to place an order, go to page 5
If you called to inquire about the status of an order, go to page 8
If you called to change an order, go to page 11
If you called to whine about how you haven’t gotten a refund on something you sent back yet because you desperately need the money to feed your meth / Cheetos / compulsively purchasing DVD boxed sets of remastered seasons of Hee-Haw addiction, go to page 13.
I'm pretty sure I can guess which page you're on.
Time Warp, part 482
SC: “What time is it there?”
Me: “6am.”
SC: “But it’s 9am here in the States.”
Is it now? The nation as a whole has actually managed to transcend space and time by carving out its own pocket dimension wherein it exists solely by its own time space rule set? Damn, I'm going to need a hell of a lot more then a passport to cross the border now, aren't I?
Choke! Choke on your Stereotype!
SC: “You’re in Canada? Wow! Ya’ll gotta lot of snow there I bet!”
Me: “No, not at all. None actually. Haven't had snow in a month or so now.”
SC: “…oh….umm....we have lots down here.”
No worries, I'm sure we can spare a maple smoked whale blubber laden dog sled team driven by a flannel clad lumberjack that's part of an amateur curling team to help get you through it......eh.
I Came Close
Wow, it took me 20 minutes just to guide you through the overtly complex, arduous task of typing a url into a browser before we could even begin the epic adventure that was simply installing the software. I really have to hand it to you. I’ve been working here many a year and this is the first time I’ve ever actually gotten up and begun wrapping my head set cord around my neck with every increasing…snugness….just in case the sweet embrace of death ended up being the only way to get the hell away from you.
Its a testament to our staff that my coworkers merely looked up and nodded sympathetically while I was slowly throttling myself.
What Has Been Seen Cannot be Unseen
The thong, oh God the thong. Curse you, Skytrain. If I wanted to see that I’d mix up 15lbs of bread dough and let it rise in a garbage bag for 3 hours before pouring it halfway out on the floor and running a piece of dental floss through the middle. I could do it too, I got a break maker for Christmas.
One Down
Thank you for calling just to moan erotically then hang up on me. I’m not entirely sure what the point of it was or what hopes or dreams you had that you were trying to fulfill by doing so. I can only wish you the best and hope that you just managed to scratch something off of your life’s To-Do List. Even if it does seem like the list was written entirely in crayon.
Don't Build Em Like They Use Too
Your kitchen window “Just fell out” did it? I may be not a carpenter, contractor or even well versed in the correct use of a power drill ( Hint: Aim it away from your face. ) but I’m pretty sure when windows are installed into an apartment complex they are secured into place quite firmly by some means. I’m not precisely sure how. It may be nails, it may be pixie dust, but they are pretty firmly wedged in there. So excuse me if I'm a bit skeptical of your "I just touched it!" defense.
A Quest
( This was an on call tech's voicemail recording, fyi )
“Hi, you’ve reached Bob with <company> Services. I’m not available at this point.”
Damn. Fine, I’ll just keep playing till I reach the next save point then.
Sadness
So you called in to tell me to tell Bob and James that you won’t be in today…..then told me that they both already knew this. Thus nullifying my entire purpose of existence in a single call. I weep.
The Parkade!
SC: “Yeah, we parked in the parkade but it closed at 10pm!”
….and its currently, lemme see, almost 1am. You know it’s been a while since I’ve heard the pitiful parking whines of those who can’t seem to read a clock properly. So you’ll excuse me if I take a moment to bath in the nostalgia of your particular brand of idiocy. It’s been so long. <deep breath> ahhhh….ok, I’m done. You can go away now.
867
You just spent more money on pants in a single order then I think I’ve spent on pants in my entire lifetime. Why do you need so many pairs of pants? Are you hoping that after the world is devastated by nuclear war and nations collapse into ruin then the scattered survivors will forgo money and use denim as currency? Then you can rise to power with your newfound wealth and rule over the mutated remnants of man? Or are you really managing to wear out a pair a week somehow? Just because the dog drags her ass across the carpet as her primary form of transportation doesn’t mean you have to too, you know.
Viva La Revolution!
No I don’t know if any of these hotels are on the strip. Nor will I suddenly gain such knowledge if you just keep asking me over and over and over. Then, unsatisfied with my lack of divine omni-sentience, you began pestering the Delta Airlines rep. Who told you repeatedly that she was helping someone else and to please wait for a moment. Undaunted you persisted until she told you no, they weren’t on the friggan strip. Displeased, you turned your ire back to me and declined to take any of my room offers as none of them were geographically satisfactory. So after wasting my time and annoying both me and her, you didn’t even book a room.
You know, when the revolution begins and the tireless drones of the customer service industry rises up as one in a single voice of rage and resentment from years of abuse before we take to the streets; It will be you and your ilk that we drag kicking and screaming out of your homes as you cling desperately to your cell phone and triple Venci maple nut crunch Starbucks espresso desperately screaming “The customer is always right!” in an vain attempt to justify years with of belittling and rampant jackassry in the face of our clawing, angry monkey-like mob vengeance.
The end is coming, my friend. Be prepared.
Full of Win
I received a call from Sergeant Power evening. Sergeant Power. Its kind of hard to top that kind of awesome. I wonder if he can shoot lasers out of his face or something.
Argh...
Me: “When you arrive make sure you show them the voucher”
SC: “uh..the what?”
Me: “The blue voucher you received from the airline?”
SC: “…uh……..”
Me: “…the piece of paper they gave you?”
SC: “Oh!”
Don’t let me distract you from desperately pushing on the “Pull” door of life.
Another Time Warp..
SC: “I’ve been on hold for 5 minutes!”
You were on hold for…let’s see….approximately 37 seconds according to my computer. So I’m not sure what sort of unstable dimensional time warp you’re calling me from but if I were you I’d be somewhat concerned at the rate at which I was rapidly hurdling towards the grave. Granted, if I were you my shift would be over in about 45 minutes. So I guess it wouldn’t be that bad.
867
Me: “Alright, how do you spell your last name?”
SC: “…uh…<mumbles her last name incoherently.>”
Me: “Ok, but how do you spell it?”
SC: “Um….er……uh…<spells it slowly>”
Me: “Alright, and what’s your phone number please?”
SC: “……um…..2465.”
Me: “….ok, what’s the entire number?”
SC: “…huh?”
Me: “I need the entire phone number.”
SC: “Uhhh…..<dribbles off the whole thing>”
Me: “Ok, and what’s your postal code please?”
SC: “um…..74”
Me: “…no, I need your postal code, please?”
SC “….huh? Uh………XXX…..XXX?”
Me: “Thank you, and what’s the address?”
SC:“uhhh…..”
Me: “.....is it a box number?”
SC: “Um, 123.”
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Um…….er…….Fox pants…..”
Me: “Alright, what’s the product ID number?”
SC: “Um…….uh……….uhhh….”
Me: “……..”
SC: “…..uhh……<click>”
It’s amazing what the consumption of lead paint chips can do for a child.
867
Me: “What would you like to order?”
SC: “These JEANS, xxxx-xx”
Me: “Ok, what size would you like?”
SC: “32.”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “What’s that in normal size?”
Me: “….normal size?”
SC: “Yeah, like…normal sizes?”
Me: “……”
SC: “…..”
Me: “….you mean like a dress size?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Me: “….32 is only a waist measurement, you can’t really convert it to dress size accurately….”
SC: “Oh, k.”
Any more implausible fashion equations you’d like me to attempt with only the barest minimum of information? Perhaps figuring out your shoe size from your underwear or some such?
Recommendations
Information I Needed:
Your name
Your address
Your phone number
How you heard about us
Information I Didn’t:
When you received the brochure.
Why it took you so long to call after receiving the brochure.
How you forgot about the brochure.
How you discovered the brochure again.
How you and your husband had two birthday parties to attend this week.
Who these parties were for.
How these parties would affect you, the call and the brochure.
That you liked how the product looked. You reassured me of this a few times.
That you approved of the duration of the warranty on the product.
Please review the above list and apply my recommendations to your inane pointless gibbering. While it may be too late for me, I’m confident that if you really apply yourself and follow my guidelines it will make the world a better place for your friends, family and coworkers.
Thus ends my week...
( PS. Don't send me cats. Trust me when I say I have or have seen them all. -.- )
Adventure!
SC: “But it says 24 hours!”
Normally, I would belittle and demean you at length for bringing such absurdity to my doorstep at 5am. But sadly, it does in fact say “Call 24 hours” on the catalogue and I can offer no defense to your cunning logic. However, it does not specify what to call 24 hours for. It just leaves it blank in a sort of “Choose your Own Adventure” kind of way:
If you called to place an order, go to page 5
If you called to inquire about the status of an order, go to page 8
If you called to change an order, go to page 11
If you called to whine about how you haven’t gotten a refund on something you sent back yet because you desperately need the money to feed your meth / Cheetos / compulsively purchasing DVD boxed sets of remastered seasons of Hee-Haw addiction, go to page 13.
I'm pretty sure I can guess which page you're on.
Time Warp, part 482
SC: “What time is it there?”
Me: “6am.”
SC: “But it’s 9am here in the States.”
Is it now? The nation as a whole has actually managed to transcend space and time by carving out its own pocket dimension wherein it exists solely by its own time space rule set? Damn, I'm going to need a hell of a lot more then a passport to cross the border now, aren't I?
Choke! Choke on your Stereotype!
SC: “You’re in Canada? Wow! Ya’ll gotta lot of snow there I bet!”
Me: “No, not at all. None actually. Haven't had snow in a month or so now.”
SC: “…oh….umm....we have lots down here.”
No worries, I'm sure we can spare a maple smoked whale blubber laden dog sled team driven by a flannel clad lumberjack that's part of an amateur curling team to help get you through it......eh.
I Came Close
Wow, it took me 20 minutes just to guide you through the overtly complex, arduous task of typing a url into a browser before we could even begin the epic adventure that was simply installing the software. I really have to hand it to you. I’ve been working here many a year and this is the first time I’ve ever actually gotten up and begun wrapping my head set cord around my neck with every increasing…snugness….just in case the sweet embrace of death ended up being the only way to get the hell away from you.
Its a testament to our staff that my coworkers merely looked up and nodded sympathetically while I was slowly throttling myself.
What Has Been Seen Cannot be Unseen
The thong, oh God the thong. Curse you, Skytrain. If I wanted to see that I’d mix up 15lbs of bread dough and let it rise in a garbage bag for 3 hours before pouring it halfway out on the floor and running a piece of dental floss through the middle. I could do it too, I got a break maker for Christmas.
One Down
Thank you for calling just to moan erotically then hang up on me. I’m not entirely sure what the point of it was or what hopes or dreams you had that you were trying to fulfill by doing so. I can only wish you the best and hope that you just managed to scratch something off of your life’s To-Do List. Even if it does seem like the list was written entirely in crayon.
Don't Build Em Like They Use Too
Your kitchen window “Just fell out” did it? I may be not a carpenter, contractor or even well versed in the correct use of a power drill ( Hint: Aim it away from your face. ) but I’m pretty sure when windows are installed into an apartment complex they are secured into place quite firmly by some means. I’m not precisely sure how. It may be nails, it may be pixie dust, but they are pretty firmly wedged in there. So excuse me if I'm a bit skeptical of your "I just touched it!" defense.
A Quest
( This was an on call tech's voicemail recording, fyi )
“Hi, you’ve reached Bob with <company> Services. I’m not available at this point.”
Damn. Fine, I’ll just keep playing till I reach the next save point then.
Sadness
So you called in to tell me to tell Bob and James that you won’t be in today…..then told me that they both already knew this. Thus nullifying my entire purpose of existence in a single call. I weep.
The Parkade!
SC: “Yeah, we parked in the parkade but it closed at 10pm!”
….and its currently, lemme see, almost 1am. You know it’s been a while since I’ve heard the pitiful parking whines of those who can’t seem to read a clock properly. So you’ll excuse me if I take a moment to bath in the nostalgia of your particular brand of idiocy. It’s been so long. <deep breath> ahhhh….ok, I’m done. You can go away now.
867
You just spent more money on pants in a single order then I think I’ve spent on pants in my entire lifetime. Why do you need so many pairs of pants? Are you hoping that after the world is devastated by nuclear war and nations collapse into ruin then the scattered survivors will forgo money and use denim as currency? Then you can rise to power with your newfound wealth and rule over the mutated remnants of man? Or are you really managing to wear out a pair a week somehow? Just because the dog drags her ass across the carpet as her primary form of transportation doesn’t mean you have to too, you know.
Viva La Revolution!
No I don’t know if any of these hotels are on the strip. Nor will I suddenly gain such knowledge if you just keep asking me over and over and over. Then, unsatisfied with my lack of divine omni-sentience, you began pestering the Delta Airlines rep. Who told you repeatedly that she was helping someone else and to please wait for a moment. Undaunted you persisted until she told you no, they weren’t on the friggan strip. Displeased, you turned your ire back to me and declined to take any of my room offers as none of them were geographically satisfactory. So after wasting my time and annoying both me and her, you didn’t even book a room.
You know, when the revolution begins and the tireless drones of the customer service industry rises up as one in a single voice of rage and resentment from years of abuse before we take to the streets; It will be you and your ilk that we drag kicking and screaming out of your homes as you cling desperately to your cell phone and triple Venci maple nut crunch Starbucks espresso desperately screaming “The customer is always right!” in an vain attempt to justify years with of belittling and rampant jackassry in the face of our clawing, angry monkey-like mob vengeance.
The end is coming, my friend. Be prepared.
Full of Win
I received a call from Sergeant Power evening. Sergeant Power. Its kind of hard to top that kind of awesome. I wonder if he can shoot lasers out of his face or something.
Argh...
Me: “When you arrive make sure you show them the voucher”
SC: “uh..the what?”
Me: “The blue voucher you received from the airline?”
SC: “…uh……..”
Me: “…the piece of paper they gave you?”
SC: “Oh!”
Don’t let me distract you from desperately pushing on the “Pull” door of life.
Another Time Warp..
SC: “I’ve been on hold for 5 minutes!”
You were on hold for…let’s see….approximately 37 seconds according to my computer. So I’m not sure what sort of unstable dimensional time warp you’re calling me from but if I were you I’d be somewhat concerned at the rate at which I was rapidly hurdling towards the grave. Granted, if I were you my shift would be over in about 45 minutes. So I guess it wouldn’t be that bad.
867
Me: “Alright, how do you spell your last name?”
SC: “…uh…<mumbles her last name incoherently.>”
Me: “Ok, but how do you spell it?”
SC: “Um….er……uh…<spells it slowly>”
Me: “Alright, and what’s your phone number please?”
SC: “……um…..2465.”
Me: “….ok, what’s the entire number?”
SC: “…huh?”
Me: “I need the entire phone number.”
SC: “Uhhh…..<dribbles off the whole thing>”
Me: “Ok, and what’s your postal code please?”
SC: “um…..74”
Me: “…no, I need your postal code, please?”
SC “….huh? Uh………XXX…..XXX?”
Me: “Thank you, and what’s the address?”
SC:“uhhh…..”
Me: “.....is it a box number?”
SC: “Um, 123.”
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Um…….er…….Fox pants…..”
Me: “Alright, what’s the product ID number?”
SC: “Um…….uh……….uhhh….”
Me: “……..”
SC: “…..uhh……<click>”
It’s amazing what the consumption of lead paint chips can do for a child.
867
Me: “What would you like to order?”
SC: “These JEANS, xxxx-xx”
Me: “Ok, what size would you like?”
SC: “32.”
Me: “Ok, anything else?”
SC: “What’s that in normal size?”
Me: “….normal size?”
SC: “Yeah, like…normal sizes?”
Me: “……”
SC: “…..”
Me: “….you mean like a dress size?”
SC: “Yeah!”
Me: “….32 is only a waist measurement, you can’t really convert it to dress size accurately….”
SC: “Oh, k.”
Any more implausible fashion equations you’d like me to attempt with only the barest minimum of information? Perhaps figuring out your shoe size from your underwear or some such?
Recommendations
Information I Needed:
Your name
Your address
Your phone number
How you heard about us
Information I Didn’t:
When you received the brochure.
Why it took you so long to call after receiving the brochure.
How you forgot about the brochure.
How you discovered the brochure again.
How you and your husband had two birthday parties to attend this week.
Who these parties were for.
How these parties would affect you, the call and the brochure.
That you liked how the product looked. You reassured me of this a few times.
That you approved of the duration of the warranty on the product.
Please review the above list and apply my recommendations to your inane pointless gibbering. While it may be too late for me, I’m confident that if you really apply yourself and follow my guidelines it will make the world a better place for your friends, family and coworkers.
Thus ends my week...
( PS. Don't send me cats. Trust me when I say I have or have seen them all. -.- )
(runs)
)
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