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The Diva and the Mute

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  • #1

    The Diva and the Mute

    A few tales from my latest shift.

    Diva in the making

    The kitchen had closed, had been completely cleaned down, and all the staff were sat down drinking and chilling. We were still working on the bar, when a group of five people come in. I notice three of them have guitars. The leader comes up to me.

    SC: Hi, we're a band. We've been performing all night and are hungry. Can you feed us?
    Me: I'm sorry, our kitchen has closed. The only food we have are bar snacks.
    SC: You don't have anything?
    Me: No I'm sorry.
    SC: Ok, we'll just have all your leftovers for free then!
    Me: We don't have any leftovers...
    SC: How can you not have any leftovers?
    Me: Well the kitchen closed two hours ago...all the leftovers are in the garbage now.
    SC: What?! Why would you do such a thing! We wanted it!
    Me: Well...it's food...and it was leftover...we can't leave it sitting out all night.
    SC: You MUST have something left over!
    Me: No, nothing.
    SC: Look, my band are hungry, we have been performing all night you know! You're telling me we can't get anything to eat?
    Me: I'm afraid so.
    SC: We want some free food! We've been performing all night!
    Me: We're not serving food, and even if we were, you certainly wouldn't get anything for free.
    SC: But we're a band.
    Me: OK, come back when you've got a platinum record and then we'll talk.

    I walked away and served other customers. God damn he was annoying.

    Silence is golden

    Customer walks up to me.

    SC: Excuse me?
    Me: Hi, what can I help you with?
    SC: .......
    Me: .......
    SC: .......
    Me: .......
    SC: .......
    Me: OK...if that's everything then!
    SC: Where are you going? I said "Excuse me"!

    Have a free drink

    There was a VERY annoying hen (bacholorette) party in. Average age: 50. But the clothes they were wearing belonged to the average age of 16. They were screechy, rude and messy.

    Bride: Seeing as I'm getting married, you HAVE to give me a free drink! What are you going to give me?
    Me: We have a special drink! It's so special, the pump for it isn't even on the bar!
    Bride: Wow! I'll have that!

    I gave her a glass of water.

    Question of the century

    The bar is packed, full of people drinking and wanted to be served. I walk up to a girl.

    Me: Hi, what can I get you?
    SC: Do you serve drinks here?
    Me:
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Since when does being part of a band entitle someone to free whatever? & an UNKNOWN band at that!
    I'll have a jug of your "special drink"...lol.

    Comment

    • #3
      Quoth customersruinmylife View Post
      Silence is golden

      Customer walks up to me.

      SC: Excuse me?
      Me: Hi, what can I help you with?
      SC: .......
      Me: .......
      SC: .......
      Me: .......
      SC: .......
      Me: OK...if that's everything then!
      SC: Where are you going? I said "Excuse me"!
      Apparently you hadn't understood that this guy only communicates by blinking in Morse code...
      "Kamala the Ugandan Giant" 1950-2020 • "Bullet" Bob Armstrong 1939-2020 • "Road Warrior Animal" 1960-2020 • "Zeus" Tiny Lister Jr. 1958-2020 • "Hacksaw" Butch Reed 1954-2021 • "New Jack" Jerome Young 1963-2021 • "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff 1949-2021 • "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton 1958-2021 • Daffney 1975-2021

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      • #4
        That would be awesome if being in a band could get you free food.

        Wait...my band is a string quartet.

        Maybe you could let us lick the floor after the real band leaves.
        "Wouldn't that be unethical?"
        "That's only an issue for those who aren't already in Hell."
        --Dilbert

        Comment

        • #5
          Quoth customersruinmylife View Post
          Me: We have a special drink! It's so special, the pump for it isn't even on the bar!
          Bride: Wow! I'll have that!

          I gave her a glass of water.


          You are my hero. Utterly and completely (move over Gravekeeper, there's a new girl in town! ).
          A PSA, if I may, as well as another.

          Comment

          • #6
            Simply awesome.

            To Mr. Silence, I would've been tempted to reply "... yes, and that's all you said. There are other customers who require my attention."
            "Always stand near the door." -- Doctor Who

            Kuya's Kitchen -- Cooking, Cooking Gadgets, and Food Related Blather from a Transplanted Foodie

            Comment

            • #7
              I could MAYBE understand a pull for free food if they were playing at your bar. Otherwise, makes absolutely no sense to me.

              Also, as to the hen party story, you rock.
              "In the end I was the mean girl/or somebody's in between girl"~Neko Case

              “You don't need many words if you already know what you're talking about.” ~William Stafford

              Comment

              • #8
                Quoth crazylegs View Post


                You are my hero. Utterly and completely (move over Gravekeeper, there's a new girl in town! ).
                I'm a guy! Hehe

                Comment

                • #9
                  Quoth customersruinmylife View Post
                  A few tales from my latest shift.
                  Bride: Seeing as I'm getting married, you HAVE to give me a free drink! What are you going to give me?
                  Me: We have a special drink! It's so special, the pump for it isn't even on the bar!
                  Bride: Wow! I'll have that!

                  I gave her a glass of water.
                  [
                  ...I just broke rule 1 and I'm not even drinking anything! That's amazing! Pure brilliance!
                  "If life ain't just a joke, then why are we laughing?" - Gerard Way

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    I wonder if the band demand works at hotels, too. If so, I'm starting a band and getting free room and food!
                    "Always stand near the door." -- Doctor Who

                    Kuya's Kitchen -- Cooking, Cooking Gadgets, and Food Related Blather from a Transplanted Foodie

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Man I wish that I could think that fast in relation to the bride to be. That was awesome.
                      Am I sad because I am looking forward to the day when the people I will be dealing with will no longer be able to talk back?

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Quoth freaktard View Post
                        That would be awesome if being in a band could get you free food.

                        Wait...my band is a string quartet.
                        My band's a community band, and we've been invited to perform at neighborhood picnics this summer. They ARE giving food as well.

                        We did get to have cookies last night after rehearsal, but that's just 'cause our director is turning 90 this month, but he will miss rehearsal the week of his birthday.
                        That is so full of suck Dyson doesn't know how they did it - shankyknitter

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          That first SC reminds me of a t-shirt I saw awhile back:

                          I have no car...
                          I have no money...
                          I have no life...

                          BUT

                          I'm in a BAND.

                          Seriously people think the fact they are in a band suddenly makes them celebrities, glad you showed them otherwise.
                          "If we refund your money, give you a free replacement and shoot the manager, then will you be happy?" - sign seen in a restaurant

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Quoth customersruinmylife View Post
                            I'm a guy! Hehe
                            Why did I think you were a girl?
                            A PSA, if I may, as well as another.

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Kudos to you for some fast (and hilarious) thinking! I love your stories... keep 'em coming!
                              "Thank God for the idiots: but for them, the rest of us could not succeed." ~Mark Twain

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