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This turned out pretty long... I think I'm turning into Jester. 
As some of you may have read in my past posts, I "work" at a video game convention on the East coast of the US. This year will be my 6th year working registration desk. I've also handled advertising, guest relations, scheduling, security, food prep, pretty much everything but writing the code for the reg process. I adore this "job" because I get to hang out with some of the coolest people ever: gamers. I also get to meet people who churn out some awesome VG projects: music, movies, sculpture, clothing, and even food. But this does not mean that I don't have to deal with a wide assortment of asshats and EBs.
Entitled Underaged Gamer and/or Parent-
Yes, this is fricking awesome. Wanna play against the Tetris world champion? He's over there. Wanna see The One Ups play live? Concert starts at 7pm. Wanna get in? We need a signed parental consent form. It's on the website in bold. If your parent can't sign it in front of us, we even provide instructions on how to get it notarized. No, we're not waiving it. We've had plenty of trouble with kids getting in trouble, we do not want to be legally responsible for them. No signature, no enterance. Please don't try to force your way in... 1. We have a great security team. 2. Because you've been arguing with me for at least 20 minutes, I know exactly what you look like. 3. You just filled out a registration form with your legal name, address, phone number, email, etc. It's just too easy.
Underaged Ho-
Just because you CAN have sex, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD. Please put on some clothes. ALL of it. A little more, please, I don't want to know what your inner thighs look like. I'm sure that you're OMG SO HAWT compared to the rest of us(
), but please don't scream about how gross that guy was. I saw him politely compliment your cosplay. If you feel uncomfortable with grown men staring at your naughty bits, why are you displaying them???? The guys here hit on you because they feel like they are amongst their own and that you, clearly not the standard of beauty either, might feel as alienated and wanting for affection as they do. If they don't float your boat, be gracious and politely decline. When you are disrespectful to them, it demonstrates a whole lot more ugliness from you than from them. For the love of God, don't go into that hotel room with that strange man. I've already dealt with one alleged rape before. There's a difference between having a good time and having a dangerous time.
Speshal Snowflake Guest-
I love your work. Wow. That Castlevania remix? TASTY. I'm not too big a fan of your attitude, though. We paid for your plane tickets and your hotel. That's pretty big for us, since we're still kinda small. We're not getting you the Presidental Suite. We're not paying for your room service and porn. We're not joking when we say not to get underaged girls drunk in your room. We're not joking when we say you're not welcome back next year. Make your second-rate fame and shove it.
Drunken Con-Goer-
I dunno about your state, but here in Virginia, we have an open-bottle law. You can't be running about in a public place, swigging your beer. Yes, a hotel lobby is considered a public place. If I find one more beer can lying about, I'll cut someone. If you have the wiles to disguise your booze, fine, whatev, but please don't get wasted. The more times we have to call 911 because someone has alcohol poisoning, the more restrictions we have to place and the more hotels who won't let us back. Cons aren't much fun when we're desperately hoping so-and-so didn't die from that power hour.
Underaged Drunk-
You know that wristband we gave you when you signed in? They're colour-coded according to age. So don't tell me it's okay for you to be drinking. Unless your wrist has green on it, I don't want to hear it. Oh, you lost your wristband? You're coming with me to the reg desk to get you a new one. Oh darn, you ARE underaged. Now I have the joy of putting notes on your reg and putting your name on the list of possible banned people. I see it one more time and I'm taking your badge. No refund. Suck it.
Unknown Prankster-
What is wrong with you? How can you possibly think it's acceptable to carve stuff into the hotel elevator doors??!?!?!! Why are you stealing the lamps and hiding them in random parts of the hotel? I'm sure antiquing is hilarious at your frat parties, but it's not funny here. If you can pranked other con-goers, I'd be more lenient, but innocent bystanders were messed with. NOT COOL. If I ever find out who you are, you will be banned for life, and other conventions will be warned about you.
Poor Nerd-
Okay, I spent my last paycheck on video games and comics. I understand how hard it is to save up money with so much nifty stuff out there. But you NEED a place to crash. You can't sleep in the lobby, in the video room, behind a table in Artists' Ally, in the bathroom, etc. The hotel super doesn't like that. What about a friend's room? A friend's house? Your car? The hotel rates aren't that bad here, and we've been offering discounted rates for years. What? You were planning on getting a room until you saw that sweet Kirby plushie? Dude. No. PLAN AHEAD. At the very least have money for food! You spent it on booze?
I have nothing for you.
Fountain of Con Stink-
SOAP. WATER. IT'S NOT HARD. Hell, you can scrub up in the public bathroom. You're the reason I always carry one bottle of hand-sanitizer and one bottle of Frebreeze. I'm debating if I should hand some out with every badge.
Clueless Dealer-
As I've said, our security is hella tight.
If you need to step away from your table, just let the nearest staff member know, and we'll assign someone to your swag. But if you don't take advantage of this offer, you're SOL. So don't come crying to me when your shit gets stolen. How stupid can you be? I hope you have insurance or something.
Worst Cosplayer EVER-
You're showing more flesh than fabric. I'm in no position to snark about someone's appearance, but I don't let my flab hang out like that. There are plenty of cosplays you can do without making me gag. This is not one. What convinced you to walk out in that? (I'm not talking about someone who is overweight or out of shape or whatever. I'm talking about morbidly obese people walking about wearing less than most at the beach do.) Also, PLEASE SHAVE IF YOU ARE WEARING A SKIMPY BOTTOM/UNDERWEAR/BIKINI. I really don't want to know what your pubes look like, plzkthxbaidiaf. There are children present. And remember, folks, double-sided tape is your friend!
Glomp Addict-
I can has personal space? I don't know you, I've never even seen you before, so don't fucking touch me. Ever seen a ferret freak out on someone? How about a rabid wolverine? That's about to happen to your face if you don't stop attacking me, my staff, my guests, anyone who doesn't have the wisdom to run far far away from you. No more Pocky for you, you scary sugar-tweaker.
Chauvinistic Gamer-
So you have a Y chromosome. I'm sure your mommy is very proud. I'm sure you've noticed I'm rocking the XX, and yet I also game. A lack of a Y does not equal a lack of skill, brains, or self-respect. The next person to assume I'm just here because of my boyfriend gets strangled with their badge cord.
Non-Gamers Who Happen Upon Us-
Welcome to our delightful sub-culture. We are a proud folk, usually intelligent and skilled and very accepting. We're more than willing to explain our con and the nuances of gamer society. Aren't we just precious? However, we don't like it when you come to our gatherings and declare us all freaks. A fair amount of us practice martial arts... how about we step outside? 
Despite all these loverly peoples, my con is still the highlight of my life. There's nothing like taking a huge pile of Chaos and whipping it into shape. I'm sure there are more stories, but I've run out of creative threats of bodily harm, so I'll save them for later.
As some of you may have read in my past posts, I "work" at a video game convention on the East coast of the US. This year will be my 6th year working registration desk. I've also handled advertising, guest relations, scheduling, security, food prep, pretty much everything but writing the code for the reg process. I adore this "job" because I get to hang out with some of the coolest people ever: gamers. I also get to meet people who churn out some awesome VG projects: music, movies, sculpture, clothing, and even food. But this does not mean that I don't have to deal with a wide assortment of asshats and EBs.
Entitled Underaged Gamer and/or Parent-
Yes, this is fricking awesome. Wanna play against the Tetris world champion? He's over there. Wanna see The One Ups play live? Concert starts at 7pm. Wanna get in? We need a signed parental consent form. It's on the website in bold. If your parent can't sign it in front of us, we even provide instructions on how to get it notarized. No, we're not waiving it. We've had plenty of trouble with kids getting in trouble, we do not want to be legally responsible for them. No signature, no enterance. Please don't try to force your way in... 1. We have a great security team. 2. Because you've been arguing with me for at least 20 minutes, I know exactly what you look like. 3. You just filled out a registration form with your legal name, address, phone number, email, etc. It's just too easy.
Underaged Ho-
Just because you CAN have sex, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD. Please put on some clothes. ALL of it. A little more, please, I don't want to know what your inner thighs look like. I'm sure that you're OMG SO HAWT compared to the rest of us(
), but please don't scream about how gross that guy was. I saw him politely compliment your cosplay. If you feel uncomfortable with grown men staring at your naughty bits, why are you displaying them???? The guys here hit on you because they feel like they are amongst their own and that you, clearly not the standard of beauty either, might feel as alienated and wanting for affection as they do. If they don't float your boat, be gracious and politely decline. When you are disrespectful to them, it demonstrates a whole lot more ugliness from you than from them. For the love of God, don't go into that hotel room with that strange man. I've already dealt with one alleged rape before. There's a difference between having a good time and having a dangerous time.Speshal Snowflake Guest-
I love your work. Wow. That Castlevania remix? TASTY. I'm not too big a fan of your attitude, though. We paid for your plane tickets and your hotel. That's pretty big for us, since we're still kinda small. We're not getting you the Presidental Suite. We're not paying for your room service and porn. We're not joking when we say not to get underaged girls drunk in your room. We're not joking when we say you're not welcome back next year. Make your second-rate fame and shove it.
Drunken Con-Goer-
I dunno about your state, but here in Virginia, we have an open-bottle law. You can't be running about in a public place, swigging your beer. Yes, a hotel lobby is considered a public place. If I find one more beer can lying about, I'll cut someone. If you have the wiles to disguise your booze, fine, whatev, but please don't get wasted. The more times we have to call 911 because someone has alcohol poisoning, the more restrictions we have to place and the more hotels who won't let us back. Cons aren't much fun when we're desperately hoping so-and-so didn't die from that power hour.
Underaged Drunk-
You know that wristband we gave you when you signed in? They're colour-coded according to age. So don't tell me it's okay for you to be drinking. Unless your wrist has green on it, I don't want to hear it. Oh, you lost your wristband? You're coming with me to the reg desk to get you a new one. Oh darn, you ARE underaged. Now I have the joy of putting notes on your reg and putting your name on the list of possible banned people. I see it one more time and I'm taking your badge. No refund. Suck it.
Unknown Prankster-
What is wrong with you? How can you possibly think it's acceptable to carve stuff into the hotel elevator doors??!?!?!! Why are you stealing the lamps and hiding them in random parts of the hotel? I'm sure antiquing is hilarious at your frat parties, but it's not funny here. If you can pranked other con-goers, I'd be more lenient, but innocent bystanders were messed with. NOT COOL. If I ever find out who you are, you will be banned for life, and other conventions will be warned about you.
Poor Nerd-
Okay, I spent my last paycheck on video games and comics. I understand how hard it is to save up money with so much nifty stuff out there. But you NEED a place to crash. You can't sleep in the lobby, in the video room, behind a table in Artists' Ally, in the bathroom, etc. The hotel super doesn't like that. What about a friend's room? A friend's house? Your car? The hotel rates aren't that bad here, and we've been offering discounted rates for years. What? You were planning on getting a room until you saw that sweet Kirby plushie? Dude. No. PLAN AHEAD. At the very least have money for food! You spent it on booze?
I have nothing for you.Fountain of Con Stink-
SOAP. WATER. IT'S NOT HARD. Hell, you can scrub up in the public bathroom. You're the reason I always carry one bottle of hand-sanitizer and one bottle of Frebreeze. I'm debating if I should hand some out with every badge.
Clueless Dealer-
As I've said, our security is hella tight.
If you need to step away from your table, just let the nearest staff member know, and we'll assign someone to your swag. But if you don't take advantage of this offer, you're SOL. So don't come crying to me when your shit gets stolen. How stupid can you be? I hope you have insurance or something.Worst Cosplayer EVER-
You're showing more flesh than fabric. I'm in no position to snark about someone's appearance, but I don't let my flab hang out like that. There are plenty of cosplays you can do without making me gag. This is not one. What convinced you to walk out in that? (I'm not talking about someone who is overweight or out of shape or whatever. I'm talking about morbidly obese people walking about wearing less than most at the beach do.) Also, PLEASE SHAVE IF YOU ARE WEARING A SKIMPY BOTTOM/UNDERWEAR/BIKINI. I really don't want to know what your pubes look like, plzkthxbaidiaf. There are children present. And remember, folks, double-sided tape is your friend!
Glomp Addict-
I can has personal space? I don't know you, I've never even seen you before, so don't fucking touch me. Ever seen a ferret freak out on someone? How about a rabid wolverine? That's about to happen to your face if you don't stop attacking me, my staff, my guests, anyone who doesn't have the wisdom to run far far away from you. No more Pocky for you, you scary sugar-tweaker.
Chauvinistic Gamer-
So you have a Y chromosome. I'm sure your mommy is very proud. I'm sure you've noticed I'm rocking the XX, and yet I also game. A lack of a Y does not equal a lack of skill, brains, or self-respect. The next person to assume I'm just here because of my boyfriend gets strangled with their badge cord.
Non-Gamers Who Happen Upon Us-
Welcome to our delightful sub-culture. We are a proud folk, usually intelligent and skilled and very accepting. We're more than willing to explain our con and the nuances of gamer society. Aren't we just precious? However, we don't like it when you come to our gatherings and declare us all freaks. A fair amount of us practice martial arts... how about we step outside? Despite all these loverly peoples, my con is still the highlight of my life. There's nothing like taking a huge pile of Chaos and whipping it into shape. I'm sure there are more stories, but I've run out of creative threats of bodily harm, so I'll save them for later.
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