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More Graveyard Tales (Very long, very painful)
Just going over my old shift reports ( Which I write solely for my own amusement these days. I've completely given up any pretense of caring anymore. ) and found some old gems...
Property Management. ( 3am.... )
A tenant called in tonight on one of the property management accounts to report that her bathroom was "shaking". Not her suite, just the bathroom.
She complained that her property manager was not returning her calls so she decided to call me on the emergency line ( Joy~ ) I explained to her there wasn't really much I could do. You know, using that method of politely explaining why you can't do something for an SC without telling them they're an idiot straight out. She says she's going to try and get a hold of a strata council member.
The strata council president called me back a little while later, not because there was a problem, but because she just had to share how fantastically stupid this was.
Apparently she was dragged out of bed, went up to the tenant's suite to see what this "shaking" was about, looked in the bathroom for a second and promptly SHUT OFF THE CEILING FAN.
Problem solved.
Real Estate Office ( Keep this in mind.... )
Actual statement from caller:
"Hi, I have a broken rib and I don't know where to go."
To make it all the better, he was in Victoria, calling a Vancouver real estate office to ask advice on how and where to obtain medical assistance.
I must point out that if this were the wild kingdom, the caller would have been dragged off into the bushes by coyotes by now.
Tech Support...?
"The tech will be at your store in half an hour."
"So like, in an hour?"
"…no, in half an hour."
Property Management II
When calling in a property management emergency, we would appreciate it if you could ask your girlfriend to turn down the porn in the background. ( Yes, there was a woman in the background, watching porn, that he kept turning and asking questions about the problem. ) It was just CRANKED up too.
Property Management III
Caller called to say she was locked out. There's absolutely nothing we can do about lock outs, as we're only here in case the building is on fire or something similarly, you know, important. We do not have keys, nor does anyone we can contact. If you're locked out you need to speak with the resident manager....anyways....
Her resident manager isn't answering ( Because its 4am... ) so she keeps calling me back and telling me she's locked out. I keep telling her that there is NOTHING I can do for her. Lock outs are NOT an emergency and even if I could do something there is NO one I can contact that has a key to her suite. Period. It's not that I don't want to help, it's that I can't.
But she just keeps responding with "Well then what am I suppose to do?" and I keep telling her only her resident manager can help her. This goes in a circle, ltierally, for 5 MINUTES. Finally I tell her that asking me the same thing over and over is not going to change my answer.
Her answer? Word for word: "Yeah, but you keep saying the same thing! So what am I suppose to do?"
I don't know, take the labels off everything in your home and let natural selection take its course?
Tech Support II
Caller loses $5 in bill paying kiosk at cell phone store. I explain its too early in the morning ( 6am ) to send someone down there to service the machine. I don't have a field tech available till 7am. But I'd be happy to arrange for a refund to be mailed to him.
Well, he loses it. Screams at me that the $5 was "All his money" and now he can't afford to reactivate his cell. I just tune him out till he finishes then ask him for his contact information so I can arrange for the refund. Turns out he has no address and no phone number aside from the cell ( Which has no minutes left on it. ). So you're homeless, but you have a brand new Cingular cellphone? Mmkay. Either way he hangs up on me after calling me a variety of names.
A little while later the store manager called back saying that this guy had told them that I had told him he could get a refund from the store. Which is total BS, I said nothing remotely of the sort. Jackass SC.
So the manager relays that to the guy.....
When his scam didn't work he informed the store clerk he would be breaking the machine open to retrieve his $5. They informed him to go right ahead, but they'd be billing him for it. He demands to speak to me again and tells me he's going to break the machine. I likewise pleasently inform him he will be liable for any and all damage done to the machine, oh, and we will have him arrested. Surprisingly, this did not deter him.
He's now enjoying a jailcell.
Property Management Again
Tenant called to complain that the lock for the front door was not working. I advised the building manager. Tenant called again to advise the lock for the front door was not working. And again…and again. Tenant demanded I use a variety of pyschic powers such as divining where the locksmith lived and how long he would take to get there as well as scrying for the name of the resident manager to contact them and send them down to the door.
My failure in both of these respects was "Unacceptable" and I was accused of knowing this information but "Just not wantin' to give it". "Give it" is not a term I generally hear applied to me in this industry. "Give it" is a term I generally hear applied to a dog that will not let go of a stick. Needless to say, this caller walked away stickless.
Property Management Still....
Cab driver drove a tenant home to building. Cab driver attempted to molest tenant in lobby. Cab driver was promptly beaten down by tenant and tenant's boyfriend. Tenant requests we do not mop up remnants of beating in the lobby so police may collect evidence. Tenant was referred to resident manager.
Security Dispatch
Security guard did not check in for 3:30am.
Security guard wisely checked in at 4:12am after I sent a police cruiser there.
Hopefully security guard will be a tad more prompt with his 5:30am check in.
Security guard checked in *twice* at 5:30am. Good boy.
Tech Support
Caller calls at 4am to report atm is not working.
Caller calls back at 7am to report the same atm is still not working.
Caller is baffled as to how this is possible.
Real Estate ( 3:30am )
Caller called looking for "that dark haired woman" so he could "sell his house right this minute". He offered that "the door was open right now.". I hope it was a prank yet I fear it wasn't. Attempts to reason with or even slightly subdue his ranting failed miserably. Hanging up on him was also ineffective as he called back several times to continue ranting about this mysterious dark haired woman. He vowed he would tell the dark haired woman about me and I would, I assume, suffer her unholy wrath. So if I don't show up for work tonight, you know what happened.
Tech Support Yet Again
Reassured a Canadian woman that Homeland Security would not be coming to get her as the Nigerian Email Prince was threatening.
And again....
Caller invited us over to have a beer and sit in his "Yankee chair". I'm not entirely sure what a "Yankee chair" is, but I don't think I'm about to entrust my backside to it.
Tech Support (Make it stop!)
Caller called to rant insanely saying that we were "calling her on a daily basis" and hanging up. I patiently explain we do not do outbound calls, our tech support call center is strictly inbound only. This fails. Insane ranting continues until the wheels start to come off....
On top of her rampant anger she also alternatively threatened me with her daughters ( One of which is an FBI Agent! <cough> ), the local police and her husband. ( I'm not sure what her husband is, but if her daughters are FBI agents then he must be with the Department of Defence. ). Repeatly, I might add.
She then demanded our website and vowed she'd go email them instead of "torturing us" as she put it. That promise lasted all of 2 minutes before she called back and said she doesn't have a computer so their website doesn't help her. ( If she doesn't have a computer...why did she ask... ).
Then said she'd go to her neighbour's house and use their computer to send an email that could level an entire city block with it's ferocity. That didn't stop her long either as she soon returned ( I guess they weren't home? ). So, then, she vowed to continue calling us all morning to give us a taste of our own medicine or some such. She did in fact call several times trying to achieve this objective but gave up after a while.
No amount of reasoning or explaination worked on her. She was completely impervious. No matter what you hit her with she got back up again. Perhaps if I had silver bullets.
International Diplomacy
A caller called our Consulate emergency line and went on in a rather strange manner about the "problems in his life" and how everyone "treated him like a refugee". Apparently he wished to remedy everyone treating him like a refugee by seeking refuge in the US and thus becoming a refugee. I for one think this plan is not without it's flaws.
All of these are just from the last 3 months alone. I quite literally have years worth shift reports FULL of this kind of crap on my work computer here.
But if I stick anymore in a single post this will become a novel.
Property Management. ( 3am.... )
A tenant called in tonight on one of the property management accounts to report that her bathroom was "shaking". Not her suite, just the bathroom.
She complained that her property manager was not returning her calls so she decided to call me on the emergency line ( Joy~ ) I explained to her there wasn't really much I could do. You know, using that method of politely explaining why you can't do something for an SC without telling them they're an idiot straight out. She says she's going to try and get a hold of a strata council member.
The strata council president called me back a little while later, not because there was a problem, but because she just had to share how fantastically stupid this was.
Apparently she was dragged out of bed, went up to the tenant's suite to see what this "shaking" was about, looked in the bathroom for a second and promptly SHUT OFF THE CEILING FAN.
Problem solved.
Real Estate Office ( Keep this in mind.... )
Actual statement from caller:
"Hi, I have a broken rib and I don't know where to go."
To make it all the better, he was in Victoria, calling a Vancouver real estate office to ask advice on how and where to obtain medical assistance.
I must point out that if this were the wild kingdom, the caller would have been dragged off into the bushes by coyotes by now.
Tech Support...?
"The tech will be at your store in half an hour."
"So like, in an hour?"
"…no, in half an hour."
Property Management II
When calling in a property management emergency, we would appreciate it if you could ask your girlfriend to turn down the porn in the background. ( Yes, there was a woman in the background, watching porn, that he kept turning and asking questions about the problem. ) It was just CRANKED up too.
Property Management III
Caller called to say she was locked out. There's absolutely nothing we can do about lock outs, as we're only here in case the building is on fire or something similarly, you know, important. We do not have keys, nor does anyone we can contact. If you're locked out you need to speak with the resident manager....anyways....
Her resident manager isn't answering ( Because its 4am... ) so she keeps calling me back and telling me she's locked out. I keep telling her that there is NOTHING I can do for her. Lock outs are NOT an emergency and even if I could do something there is NO one I can contact that has a key to her suite. Period. It's not that I don't want to help, it's that I can't.
But she just keeps responding with "Well then what am I suppose to do?" and I keep telling her only her resident manager can help her. This goes in a circle, ltierally, for 5 MINUTES. Finally I tell her that asking me the same thing over and over is not going to change my answer.
Her answer? Word for word: "Yeah, but you keep saying the same thing! So what am I suppose to do?"
I don't know, take the labels off everything in your home and let natural selection take its course?
Tech Support II
Caller loses $5 in bill paying kiosk at cell phone store. I explain its too early in the morning ( 6am ) to send someone down there to service the machine. I don't have a field tech available till 7am. But I'd be happy to arrange for a refund to be mailed to him.
Well, he loses it. Screams at me that the $5 was "All his money" and now he can't afford to reactivate his cell. I just tune him out till he finishes then ask him for his contact information so I can arrange for the refund. Turns out he has no address and no phone number aside from the cell ( Which has no minutes left on it. ). So you're homeless, but you have a brand new Cingular cellphone? Mmkay. Either way he hangs up on me after calling me a variety of names.
A little while later the store manager called back saying that this guy had told them that I had told him he could get a refund from the store. Which is total BS, I said nothing remotely of the sort. Jackass SC.
So the manager relays that to the guy.....When his scam didn't work he informed the store clerk he would be breaking the machine open to retrieve his $5. They informed him to go right ahead, but they'd be billing him for it. He demands to speak to me again and tells me he's going to break the machine. I likewise pleasently inform him he will be liable for any and all damage done to the machine, oh, and we will have him arrested. Surprisingly, this did not deter him.
He's now enjoying a jailcell.
Property Management Again
Tenant called to complain that the lock for the front door was not working. I advised the building manager. Tenant called again to advise the lock for the front door was not working. And again…and again. Tenant demanded I use a variety of pyschic powers such as divining where the locksmith lived and how long he would take to get there as well as scrying for the name of the resident manager to contact them and send them down to the door.
My failure in both of these respects was "Unacceptable" and I was accused of knowing this information but "Just not wantin' to give it". "Give it" is not a term I generally hear applied to me in this industry. "Give it" is a term I generally hear applied to a dog that will not let go of a stick. Needless to say, this caller walked away stickless.
Property Management Still....
Cab driver drove a tenant home to building. Cab driver attempted to molest tenant in lobby. Cab driver was promptly beaten down by tenant and tenant's boyfriend. Tenant requests we do not mop up remnants of beating in the lobby so police may collect evidence. Tenant was referred to resident manager.
Security Dispatch
Security guard did not check in for 3:30am.
Security guard wisely checked in at 4:12am after I sent a police cruiser there.
Hopefully security guard will be a tad more prompt with his 5:30am check in.
Security guard checked in *twice* at 5:30am. Good boy.
Tech Support
Caller calls at 4am to report atm is not working.
Caller calls back at 7am to report the same atm is still not working.
Caller is baffled as to how this is possible.
Real Estate ( 3:30am )
Caller called looking for "that dark haired woman" so he could "sell his house right this minute". He offered that "the door was open right now.". I hope it was a prank yet I fear it wasn't. Attempts to reason with or even slightly subdue his ranting failed miserably. Hanging up on him was also ineffective as he called back several times to continue ranting about this mysterious dark haired woman. He vowed he would tell the dark haired woman about me and I would, I assume, suffer her unholy wrath. So if I don't show up for work tonight, you know what happened.
Tech Support Yet Again
Reassured a Canadian woman that Homeland Security would not be coming to get her as the Nigerian Email Prince was threatening.
And again....
Caller invited us over to have a beer and sit in his "Yankee chair". I'm not entirely sure what a "Yankee chair" is, but I don't think I'm about to entrust my backside to it.
Tech Support (Make it stop!)
Caller called to rant insanely saying that we were "calling her on a daily basis" and hanging up. I patiently explain we do not do outbound calls, our tech support call center is strictly inbound only. This fails. Insane ranting continues until the wheels start to come off....
On top of her rampant anger she also alternatively threatened me with her daughters ( One of which is an FBI Agent! <cough> ), the local police and her husband. ( I'm not sure what her husband is, but if her daughters are FBI agents then he must be with the Department of Defence. ). Repeatly, I might add.
She then demanded our website and vowed she'd go email them instead of "torturing us" as she put it. That promise lasted all of 2 minutes before she called back and said she doesn't have a computer so their website doesn't help her. ( If she doesn't have a computer...why did she ask... ).
Then said she'd go to her neighbour's house and use their computer to send an email that could level an entire city block with it's ferocity. That didn't stop her long either as she soon returned ( I guess they weren't home? ). So, then, she vowed to continue calling us all morning to give us a taste of our own medicine or some such. She did in fact call several times trying to achieve this objective but gave up after a while.
No amount of reasoning or explaination worked on her. She was completely impervious. No matter what you hit her with she got back up again. Perhaps if I had silver bullets.
International Diplomacy
A caller called our Consulate emergency line and went on in a rather strange manner about the "problems in his life" and how everyone "treated him like a refugee". Apparently he wished to remedy everyone treating him like a refugee by seeking refuge in the US and thus becoming a refugee. I for one think this plan is not without it's flaws.
All of these are just from the last 3 months alone. I quite literally have years worth shift reports FULL of this kind of crap on my work computer here.
But if I stick anymore in a single post this will become a novel.
for a couple of seconds!
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