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Graveyard Tales Again...(long, pain)
Sitting at my desk here at work, thought I'd sift through more of my old shift reports and share some more entries of my pain with you. 
These are from new years to spring...
Orderlines...
One caller, after being told the item would be shipped to her, asked me "Will it be sent by mail?". I was momentarily tempted to say no, it would be tied to a pidgeon and pushed out our office window, but luckily professionalism prevailed.
International Diplomacy Again...
Caller claimed to be a member of "Canadian Intelligence" and requested to speak to president Bush. Advised caller Mr Bush was not available and certainly was not in Canada at this time. Caller requested that I advise Mr Bush that Germany was going to make Rome attack Canada.
So, just a heads up, the Italians are coming.
Property Management
Tenant called to report that his neighbour in suite 11 had locked himself out....in his underwear.
Sometime later, the police called in to inform me that they too had become involved in the case of the underwear bandit.
So let us take a moment to remember poor Ryan, from suite 11, who not only locked himself out of his home, in his underwear, but also managed to get himself hauled in by the police for questioning.
I don't think I can top that kind of morning. Underwear bandit, I salute you.
Orderlines ( 2:30am...on my birthday )
One astoundingly confused caller who had trouble even coming up with a name and phone number was completely perplexed when asked for a postal code. Despite consulting with 2 other people in the house she could not find the mystical information required. So instead she settled for propositioning me.
The powers that be obviously know it's my birthday. They also obviously have a sense of humour.
Property Management Still...
Caller complained we should not refer to ourselves as a 24 hour emergency line if we are not in fact 24 hours. I explained, repeatedly, that I can indeed dispatch someone to address an emergency 24 hours a day. However, what he wanted was for me to contact our on call just so he could schedule an appointment with the on call for later on the next day.
No about of reasonable explaination would penetrate his misguided complaints. If he complains to the client, may I suggest explaining what occured to the client using helpful terms such as "Wanker".
and again...
3.24am: Concierge for the the building locks his keys in his own office and is subsequently dissappointed when I reveal I don't have the keys to his office.
and AGAIN
A woman ( Who shall be from here on be referred to as "crazy bat lady" ) called tonight rather late in the evening not with any sort of problem or concern but just to thank me for cementing the sidewalk. As in thank me personally.
She said someone had written in it and vandalised it, but she smoothed it out so all was well again. While all this gushing gratitude is pleasent and inflates my ego, it does seem a bit odd and misguided at this time of night.
Sometime later, Crazy Bat Lady calls again. This time she's complaining about a neighbour who has their water running...but she assures me that it's not a problem and she'll tell the resident manager in the morning. She's just worried that the guy will flood the laundry room but it's not flooded so it's ok and I'm doing a wonderful job because I pick up the phone at 3am and I cement things. I am a cement god.
A while later....she calls again. She reassures me that the laundry room isn't flooded so there's no problem whatsoever. She just called to let me know that. Oh, and to let me know I'm still doing an amazing job because I can answer a phone call.
Definative proof that I am, apparently, uber.
and yet again....
Caller called to report a waterleak in basement. I contacted the building manager who turned out to be, you guessed it, the original caller who had neglected to mention he was also the building manager ( So why does he need MY help? He's the one on call! ). Still, he insists it's my responsibility to do something about the problem despite it being in his job description.
So I contact his boss to try and clear this up, his boss tells me, of course, that its the building managers job to take care of a water leak. ( Argh.. ) I patiently wait for the building manager to call back so I may inform him of this ( Without gloating ), but he never does.
So I can only assume he either remembered what his job title was or he has inadvertantly tied his shoelaces together and is now struggling to pull himself to a nearby 7/11 for help.
Tech Support
A caller this morning threw what I can only describe as a "hissyfit" because the machine she was using was out of paper. So it was unable to print a receipt for her. Everything else was fine and bill was processed, it just didn't print a receipt. I assured her we could arrange for her to get one without much difficulty.
But this was futile as she apparently wanted the receipt to materalize in the air in front of her right this moment on the wings of tiny receipt fairies. ( Which, on a side note, I can launch from a nearby military base using an keyboard hotkey. You can too. It's in the manual. ). While I assured her repeatedly this wasn't a huge problem she seemed to think her phone company would arrive on her doorstep with bats demanding printed proof of payment. She eventually hung up on me.
Property Management, yet again
A rather intoxicated caller called to make a noise complaint. I advised him to call the police. He advised me that he would call "991" and report it. I wished him well.
International Diplomacy once again
Tonight's problem was mafia grow ops and neo nazi's poisoning white people and keeping them in cells which apparently is where tonight's caller was calling from. A mafia neo-nazi grow op cell. Where they gave him poison. To poison people with.
They also apparently let him use the phone from there. But he can't call the RCMP because they're part of the mafia too. Only the United States can save him. I informed him we wouldn't be able to help him until regular business hours, so he would have to call back then.
Co-Workers....
When contacting the police tonight, Op #2 accidently hung up on 911. Now, if you're familiar with how a 911 call centre works, if you hang up on them they immediately trace your call and dispatch police to your location.
I left Op #2 to have fun explaining himself to the two fine officers who arrived in the lobby. They searched our office for "bodies" as they cheerfully explained before departing.
Property Management ( It never ends.... )
Much to my…delight….a tenant who was escaping the girlfriend he had just broken up with ( and who was allegedly some sort of raging heroin addict ) decided he would bridge me into a three way call between him and her because her suite needed to be secured. Joy!
After listening to this raging crapstorm of a conversation for a few minutes I'm impressed the guy even told her he was breaking up with her. I would changed my name and fled to Mexico in the dead of night.
International Diplomacy again....
Had a fun one tonight… a caller by the name of "(omitted)" called…he originally got Op #2. He claimed he was a "police informent" and was injured and currently being held hostage somewhere by his room mate who was of course beating him and threatening his life. He also revealed that he called the police already but they refused to help him ( I wonder why…) so now he was calling us for some reason.
Now, Op #2 actually passed his message to the On Call, which is far more generous then I would have been. But Op #2 is new to this shift and has not yet lost his doe-eyed innocence. The On Call, of course, wasn't exactly interested in the message since the guy's story sounds like the kind we get from the looplicky crackweasels that call our emergency lines all the time at this time of night.
Fast forward, he calls back again and this time goes off on Op #2 since the On Call of course has not called him back. He demands to be put through to the On Call directly or given the On Call's number. Op #2 refuses and baits him off by telling him the On Call isn't answering his cell. Caller incidates that perhaps he should call "someone who cares". I concur.
Fast forward, he calls back and unfortunately for him, this time he gets me. He once again demands the On Call's immediate attention. I decline and tell him his message has already been passed, which is all we can do for him. This sparks a lovely rant where in he alternates between demanding and threatening to try and bully me into calling the On Call for him. Highlights include the "Do you know who I am?" routine, along with several threats to have me fired, and, the kicker, a vow that by next week I would be unemployed and writing him a public apology in the Province newspaper.
He also, apparently, has a copy of our service contract with our clients ( My, that’s a rather convient thing for him to have with him locked in that room… ) and that I was violating "Paragraph 4, subsection 3" or some such by refusing to contact the On Call for him a second time. He turned out to be quite an expert on what our service contract supposedly said and how I was violating it. This cycle of him threatening and me politely refusing continued for a while until he hung up in a snit.
Order Lines yet again
Despite 3 minutes of intense 1 on 1 coaching, one caller could not locate the fabled product ID number of the item she was staring directly at in the catalouge. For reference this number is located directly beside the picture of the item in giant bold font. I weep for society.
Tech Support and Humiliation
Did you know the <client's name>'s website talks? I didn't. Now I know ( as does the caller I was on the line with at the time )….and knowing is half the battle. Well, it's half of something anyway.
To make matters worse, after hearing it in the background my caller gave me the ever degrading "Are you new?". No, I'm not new, but the Internet is mocking me.
Tech Support and Raging Idiocy
Caller called to inquire about her account status and why her cell phone had been shut off for payment lapse after she paid her bill at our kiosk. After checking the account I info the caller that she seems to have mistakenly purchased Internet time credit.
She then asks: "Well how'd I do that?!"
Believe me, if I knew how the heck you managed to accomplish that I'd be a millionaire after I designed software that could resist your particular…...mental capabilities.
Lottery Contests....
Caller explained that he had been purchasing tickets every year for the last 15 years and all he ever won was a golfclub (and he doesn't golf.). Apparently, the thought of giving up never crossed his mind.
If I had shelled out for tickets for 15 years and only ever won a golf club, I think I'd take that as a sign and stop buying tickets. Or take up golfing.
Continued.....
These are from new years to spring...
Orderlines...
One caller, after being told the item would be shipped to her, asked me "Will it be sent by mail?". I was momentarily tempted to say no, it would be tied to a pidgeon and pushed out our office window, but luckily professionalism prevailed.
International Diplomacy Again...
Caller claimed to be a member of "Canadian Intelligence" and requested to speak to president Bush. Advised caller Mr Bush was not available and certainly was not in Canada at this time. Caller requested that I advise Mr Bush that Germany was going to make Rome attack Canada.
So, just a heads up, the Italians are coming.
Property Management
Tenant called to report that his neighbour in suite 11 had locked himself out....in his underwear.
Sometime later, the police called in to inform me that they too had become involved in the case of the underwear bandit.
So let us take a moment to remember poor Ryan, from suite 11, who not only locked himself out of his home, in his underwear, but also managed to get himself hauled in by the police for questioning.
I don't think I can top that kind of morning. Underwear bandit, I salute you.
Orderlines ( 2:30am...on my birthday )
One astoundingly confused caller who had trouble even coming up with a name and phone number was completely perplexed when asked for a postal code. Despite consulting with 2 other people in the house she could not find the mystical information required. So instead she settled for propositioning me.
The powers that be obviously know it's my birthday. They also obviously have a sense of humour.
Property Management Still...
Caller complained we should not refer to ourselves as a 24 hour emergency line if we are not in fact 24 hours. I explained, repeatedly, that I can indeed dispatch someone to address an emergency 24 hours a day. However, what he wanted was for me to contact our on call just so he could schedule an appointment with the on call for later on the next day.
No about of reasonable explaination would penetrate his misguided complaints. If he complains to the client, may I suggest explaining what occured to the client using helpful terms such as "Wanker".
and again...
3.24am: Concierge for the the building locks his keys in his own office and is subsequently dissappointed when I reveal I don't have the keys to his office.
and AGAIN
A woman ( Who shall be from here on be referred to as "crazy bat lady" ) called tonight rather late in the evening not with any sort of problem or concern but just to thank me for cementing the sidewalk. As in thank me personally.
She said someone had written in it and vandalised it, but she smoothed it out so all was well again. While all this gushing gratitude is pleasent and inflates my ego, it does seem a bit odd and misguided at this time of night.
Sometime later, Crazy Bat Lady calls again. This time she's complaining about a neighbour who has their water running...but she assures me that it's not a problem and she'll tell the resident manager in the morning. She's just worried that the guy will flood the laundry room but it's not flooded so it's ok and I'm doing a wonderful job because I pick up the phone at 3am and I cement things. I am a cement god.
A while later....she calls again. She reassures me that the laundry room isn't flooded so there's no problem whatsoever. She just called to let me know that. Oh, and to let me know I'm still doing an amazing job because I can answer a phone call.
Definative proof that I am, apparently, uber.
and yet again....
Caller called to report a waterleak in basement. I contacted the building manager who turned out to be, you guessed it, the original caller who had neglected to mention he was also the building manager ( So why does he need MY help? He's the one on call! ). Still, he insists it's my responsibility to do something about the problem despite it being in his job description.
So I contact his boss to try and clear this up, his boss tells me, of course, that its the building managers job to take care of a water leak. ( Argh.. ) I patiently wait for the building manager to call back so I may inform him of this ( Without gloating ), but he never does.
So I can only assume he either remembered what his job title was or he has inadvertantly tied his shoelaces together and is now struggling to pull himself to a nearby 7/11 for help.
Tech Support
A caller this morning threw what I can only describe as a "hissyfit" because the machine she was using was out of paper. So it was unable to print a receipt for her. Everything else was fine and bill was processed, it just didn't print a receipt. I assured her we could arrange for her to get one without much difficulty.
But this was futile as she apparently wanted the receipt to materalize in the air in front of her right this moment on the wings of tiny receipt fairies. ( Which, on a side note, I can launch from a nearby military base using an keyboard hotkey. You can too. It's in the manual. ). While I assured her repeatedly this wasn't a huge problem she seemed to think her phone company would arrive on her doorstep with bats demanding printed proof of payment. She eventually hung up on me.
Property Management, yet again
A rather intoxicated caller called to make a noise complaint. I advised him to call the police. He advised me that he would call "991" and report it. I wished him well.
International Diplomacy once again
Tonight's problem was mafia grow ops and neo nazi's poisoning white people and keeping them in cells which apparently is where tonight's caller was calling from. A mafia neo-nazi grow op cell. Where they gave him poison. To poison people with.
They also apparently let him use the phone from there. But he can't call the RCMP because they're part of the mafia too. Only the United States can save him. I informed him we wouldn't be able to help him until regular business hours, so he would have to call back then.
Co-Workers....
When contacting the police tonight, Op #2 accidently hung up on 911. Now, if you're familiar with how a 911 call centre works, if you hang up on them they immediately trace your call and dispatch police to your location.
I left Op #2 to have fun explaining himself to the two fine officers who arrived in the lobby. They searched our office for "bodies" as they cheerfully explained before departing.
Property Management ( It never ends.... )
Much to my…delight….a tenant who was escaping the girlfriend he had just broken up with ( and who was allegedly some sort of raging heroin addict ) decided he would bridge me into a three way call between him and her because her suite needed to be secured. Joy!
After listening to this raging crapstorm of a conversation for a few minutes I'm impressed the guy even told her he was breaking up with her. I would changed my name and fled to Mexico in the dead of night.
International Diplomacy again....
Had a fun one tonight… a caller by the name of "(omitted)" called…he originally got Op #2. He claimed he was a "police informent" and was injured and currently being held hostage somewhere by his room mate who was of course beating him and threatening his life. He also revealed that he called the police already but they refused to help him ( I wonder why…) so now he was calling us for some reason.
Now, Op #2 actually passed his message to the On Call, which is far more generous then I would have been. But Op #2 is new to this shift and has not yet lost his doe-eyed innocence. The On Call, of course, wasn't exactly interested in the message since the guy's story sounds like the kind we get from the looplicky crackweasels that call our emergency lines all the time at this time of night.
Fast forward, he calls back again and this time goes off on Op #2 since the On Call of course has not called him back. He demands to be put through to the On Call directly or given the On Call's number. Op #2 refuses and baits him off by telling him the On Call isn't answering his cell. Caller incidates that perhaps he should call "someone who cares". I concur.
Fast forward, he calls back and unfortunately for him, this time he gets me. He once again demands the On Call's immediate attention. I decline and tell him his message has already been passed, which is all we can do for him. This sparks a lovely rant where in he alternates between demanding and threatening to try and bully me into calling the On Call for him. Highlights include the "Do you know who I am?" routine, along with several threats to have me fired, and, the kicker, a vow that by next week I would be unemployed and writing him a public apology in the Province newspaper.
He also, apparently, has a copy of our service contract with our clients ( My, that’s a rather convient thing for him to have with him locked in that room… ) and that I was violating "Paragraph 4, subsection 3" or some such by refusing to contact the On Call for him a second time. He turned out to be quite an expert on what our service contract supposedly said and how I was violating it. This cycle of him threatening and me politely refusing continued for a while until he hung up in a snit.
Order Lines yet again
Despite 3 minutes of intense 1 on 1 coaching, one caller could not locate the fabled product ID number of the item she was staring directly at in the catalouge. For reference this number is located directly beside the picture of the item in giant bold font. I weep for society.
Tech Support and Humiliation
Did you know the <client's name>'s website talks? I didn't. Now I know ( as does the caller I was on the line with at the time )….and knowing is half the battle. Well, it's half of something anyway.
To make matters worse, after hearing it in the background my caller gave me the ever degrading "Are you new?". No, I'm not new, but the Internet is mocking me.
Tech Support and Raging Idiocy
Caller called to inquire about her account status and why her cell phone had been shut off for payment lapse after she paid her bill at our kiosk. After checking the account I info the caller that she seems to have mistakenly purchased Internet time credit.
She then asks: "Well how'd I do that?!"
Believe me, if I knew how the heck you managed to accomplish that I'd be a millionaire after I designed software that could resist your particular…...mental capabilities.
Lottery Contests....
Caller explained that he had been purchasing tickets every year for the last 15 years and all he ever won was a golfclub (and he doesn't golf.). Apparently, the thought of giving up never crossed his mind.
If I had shelled out for tickets for 15 years and only ever won a golf club, I think I'd take that as a sign and stop buying tickets. Or take up golfing.
Continued.....
I AM the evil bastard!
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