Laws That Should Be passed

[AmericanZero8503]

Okay...I posted these on my blog. It recieved a luke warm response, and hardly anyone was willing to contribute. However, we're all here to bitch about those whiny little people that call themselves customers. Feel free to post any I forgot. One that I'm thinking about is...The back room is not a special part of the store, where we hide 'extras.'

Laws that Should be Passed:

Law ..1:Anyone who can't read a fucking sign will be sent to remedial reading classes...
When there is a sign that says 'NO Checks,' Guess what that means? This is a serious problem at the fuel center, this lady said she wouldn't go there anymore b/c there was no sign posted. There is a sticker on every pump and right next to the door, I guess we expect too much when we expect the customer to read.

Law ..2: If I tell you I can't accept something, then that's what I mean. If you follow it up with a 'Are you kidding/joking?' I get to hit you with a sack full of quarters. What do you expect me to say,'Yeah I was just kidding, it's a joke we like to play on people with checks we don't accept.'

Law ..3: Any price dispute less than a dollars means you have you wear a sign that says 'Cheap Retard' anytime you visit the store and I get to hit you with a sack full of quarters.
I had a guy dispute me over 12 cents...12 fucking cents.

Law ..4: Any bad jokes means I get to hit you with a sack of quarters and you are no longer allowed to speak to store employees. Example: "Did you find everything today sir?"
"I think I found too much, har, har!"

Law ..5: Going in to the Express lane with more than the allowed amount, or writing a check in the express lane means that the other customers and the cashier get's to throw rotten tomatoes at you. It's better than throwing them away.

Law ..6: Announcing the managers name does not invoke fear in to me, so don't do it. Pretending that you and the manager "Go way back" when in fact he only knows you because you whine every shopping visit, means I get to beat you with a sack full of nickels.

Law #7: If you ignore your screaming annoying child, I'll ignore you. See ignoring the problem doesn't get us anywhere. I refuse to check out your groceries until you get that little monster quiet. There's a difference between a little baby crying and a child who does it just because.

Law #8: Rarely the customer is right. So that little saying that you amazingly remember, while not remembering that the one day sale is one day only, really does not apply anymore. I can only think of two occasions when the customer was truely correct.

Law ..9: Complaining in order to get an item free, or if the scanner doesn't work so you assume out loud that the item is free, means that you will have to wear the "Cheap Retard" sign any time that you come to my work place. Plus you will be charged for items that are usually free. Such as parking per hour, and shopping cart rental.

Law #10: Walking up does not mean that I'm ready to wait on you. So don't open up your yapper until I acknowledge you with a "May I help you." Suprisingly there are things i have to do, and you aren't the center of the universe despite what you might think. In this moment the judgement of whether or not you get a refund/stamp/lotto ticket/ or pay your electric bill is entirely up to me. So guess who is the center of the universe now bitch? Failure to wait until you're acknowledge means I get to be as shitty as I want, and can give you numerous dirty looks. I can't get in trouble for how I look at you...HAHA!

Law #11: Just because you're old doesn't mean that you are any more special than any one else. If you're going to be shitty then I have the right to tell you that you are doing nothing more than wasting social security that could be left for me. I love my grandma to death and i have never seen her give crap to any cashier unlike the elderly people that shop at my workplace. That's not to say that she doesn't talk trash when she walks away, she is related to me and all...lol.

Leave others as you see fit.

[iridios]

Why are you using a sack full of coins???

It should be a sack full of nails!

[Crosshair]

Why don't you just use a baseball bat?

[lordlundar]

I think it's because the sack of coins is relevant and more readily available.

In the case of my store, those are in a metal toolbox.

<pictures swinging it at someone's head>

[Phone Jockey]

*hands you all her loose change*

~ If you call in & start ranting & raving even BEFORE I know who you are or have pulled up your account, you get to drive to my call center & take calls from other morons who do the very same thing. It will show you humility.

[Becks]

AmericanZero, I absolutely LOVE your post.

Maybe all the cashiers on the board should make copies to post by their registers.

[batmoody]

I love your sack

....full of quarters

[Lace Neil Singer]

Here are mine:

Law 1. If you go on my till before I have even sat down, you should expect to wait for me to take the lock off my till, put my float in, and switch the damn thing on. Any muttering, tapping, finger drumming or whining will mean that you've relinquished your right to be served by me. You will vacate my till at once, or be hit repeatedly with my till lock.

Law 2. When I am closed, that applies to everyone. Not everyone except you, not everyone cept for people in a hurry; EVERYONE. Anyone who tries to get me to serve them despite the sign on my till will again be beaten with my till lock.

Law 3. The dividers are there to be used to divide up your shopping from the person in front of you's shopping, and your shopping from the shopping of the person behind you. Failure to grasp this simple premise will mean I can throw every divider on my till at you until you get it.

Law 4. Complaints are only to be made if for a good reason. IE, any cashier being rude to you or hitting you unless allowed to cuz you broke a law. You must have at least 1 staff member to back you up and at least 5 customers, or you will be deduced to be making up lies to make trouble and be forced to wear a t-shirt with "I am a big fat liar" on the front and back every time you enter the store in future.

Law 5. Be rude to a staff member, they are given the right to be equally or more rude back. Simple as that.

[Ree]

Just a reminder and to clarify, for anyone who may visit this board, that the fantasy of "hitting the customer", the use of the "sack of quarters", the "baseball bat", the "metal box full of change", the "till lock" or "divider", or any other projectiles or heavy blunt objects is purely hypothetical and not a reflection on the board's policy, as we do not condone violence to our customers.

[chainedbarista]

1. just because i'm standing behind a till doesn't mean i'm working it. i might be clocking in/out, expiditing a line or marking something out. don't mindlessly babble some crap at me unless i've asked you if i can help you; being there doesn't mean we're running a till, just that we're performing some action that requires us to use said till.

2. don't EVER shove payment in my face at ANY time; this is incredibly rude and demeaning behavior; i won't shove a coffee or pastry up a chosen area of your body, don't shove payment in my face. show some courtesy and a slight bit of manners.

3. don't cut in front of other customers to ask a question, demand samples or free water; they're waiting for their turn, and so will you. don't like it? too bad; your choices are: wait and be served or leave.

4. keep an eye on your child at ALL FRACKING TIMES; this isn't daycare, a public park or some other form of 'free for all.' (not that daycare is, either) you spawned it, you're responsible for it; don't expect us to keep an eye on junior/juniorette just because you 'need a break.' if you have a toddler, don't come in with them having a loaded diaper; i don't want them smearing the contents of said diaper on whatever their grubby little paws can reach (this has happened!)

5. (for future reference) yes, the bathroom is on a token lock; no, you can't use it unless you're a customer, and no, getting samples or a free water doesn't qualify you as a customer, just a leech. why is there a token lock system? glad you asked; because of all the fecal matter, drug paraphenailia and other crap we've had to deal with over the past two and a half years at this site, we've decided that we need to keep certain people out of here, namely NON-CUSTOMERS.

6. we are not 411; don't get pissed at us if we don't know the answer to a question. most of us don't live in the area, and don't come around here on our days off, so we don't have a commanding knowledge over what's in the area.

7. if we're out, we're out; throwing a tantrum won't make the item magically appear. given the increase in the sales of certain items, we tend to run out of those items, and that doesn't mean our store only; other stores in the district have the same issue, so deal with it. out is OUT.

also, on pastry; we will not order another full pack just to sell you ONE lousy item. this results in the store having to mark out multiple items, creating a loss. if your 'favorite' is oh so important, GET YOUR ASS IN SOONER. don't whine to us about it; i don't give a crap, and considering how long this crap has gone on, no one else does, either. we've adjusted sales/orders too often to accomodate this, and got the shaft instead.

[MystyGlyttyr]

(Officially, I don't condone violence. ...unofficially, however...)

1. If you don't watch your child and they throw themselves down the two flights of stairs that are right next to my desk, I am allowed to laugh.

2. Any comments about the dead plant on the obit girl's (MY) desk means I get to add you to my "dead stuff" collection. Protests that you aren't dead yet will be quickly rectified.

3. If you ask me a stupid question about nothing to do with obits, the newspaper, or the universe as science understands it, and I stare at you with a look of utter confusion on my face, and you start to get huffy, I can pick up my Route 44 size Dr Pepper and pour it on you. And then you will buy me a new one AND mop the carpet.

4. If I answer the phone "Newsroom" and the first words out of your mouth are "Is this the newsroom?" I am allowed to put a trace on your line and have your phone shut off for a week.

5. For my coworkers...if you leave food on my desk overnight, for whatever bizarre reason, and I come in the next morning and there are fireants all over my desk, I am allowed to make you lick them up.

[Tito]

Law ..4: Any bad jokes means I get to hit you with a sack of quarters and you are no longer allowed to speak to store employees. Example: "Did you find everything today sir?"
"I think I found too much, har, har!"

Don't forget the ever so popular lines 'The item didn't scan, it must be free!', & 'you look bored, let me give you something to do!'

[AmericanZero8503]

Thanks for responses

Holy crap, I could I forget the popular...you look bored, let me give you something to do. I'm doing fine getting paid to stare off in to space...LEAVE ME ALONE...lol.

I wasn't condoning violence, I was just giving punishment where it's due.

[Crow The Robot]

Law ..5: Going in to the Express lane with more than the allowed amount, or writing a check in the express lane means that the other customers and the cashier get's to throw rotten tomatoes at you. It's better than throwing them away.

I suggest, as an alternative that they take a page from NASCAR's penalties for speeding on pit road and go to the end of the longest line.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Same here. ^_^

I will add this one:

Law 6. Any children that misbehave in any way, will be taken to the child cage that is situated in the basement. Misbehaviour, for the ignorant among you, is any of the following: screaming/shouting for fun; grabbing merchandise; handling merchandise; climbing shelves; breaking things. Also, if your child is annoying anyway, the crime of "existing" will be written on the sticker that will be placed accross your child's gob before it is taken to the child cage. Before you can leave the store, you must claim your brat from the cage; to do this you must fill out a long form and pay for any damage, including emotional damage, that your demon spawn has caused; thus ensuring that you take steps to control the brat next time you visit our store.