Tweet
Well hey now! It's been quite some time since I posted, so some background: I work security in a very large hotel, we service thousands of guests every day. Naturally, this gives me quite a few opportunities to encounter some SC's along the way, and I have a good list worked up since my last post quite some time ago. So, let's get started!
The Elevator
Our elevators have a security feature: after 10pm, you have to swipe your key card to get up to your room, otherwise you can't go to a guest floor. We have a lot of hobos downtown, this keeps them off the floors, and keeps random idiots from wandering to your room when they walk in at 3am, plowed, and banging on your door. Every elevator has 3 signs inside that tell people about this feature, and there are 4 signs on the elevator banks themselves on every floor that say the same thing. Despite this, I run into random individuals who claim they have been stuck on our "broken" elevator for anywhere between 5-60 minutes, then are even angrier when we swipe their key and show them it's been working the whole time. Bravo, you can't press buttons properly if there's a simple step beforehand.
Get up. Now.
I'm fairly friendly to most people, until I meet up with the drunken stare. You've all seen it, where you say something reasonable, and the person you're talking to squints and stares at you as if you've just said "I'm going to chop off my testicles and sail off to France to join the League of Justice." Now, the stare alone annoys me, because I can literally smell smoke as their drunk-ass brain tries to figure out exactly what you meant about their mother when you said "Hello" a moment ago. However, I feel a highly increased amount of annoyance when I run into the same jackass 2 hours later, passed out, lying on the floor in the middle of a hallway. Bonus points if they had problems with the elevator, and just went to sleep there instead. Lightning round points if, when woken up, they threaten to fight us (us being me, 2 co-workers, and 2-3 engineers). Final Jeopardy round, however, if they make the same threat when our friends from the police are on-hand to help out (we have 2 officers on weekends since people are idiots).
The Sensationalist
The greatest types of hotel guests, if you replace the word "greatest" with the words "justifiably murderable". They complain about everything: the food was too hot, then too cold, then there were only 2 sprigs of parsley. The pillows were soft, their hot shower was too steamy, we don't get the cheap-ass local station from 8 states away (or another country) on our televisions, and the bed could not accomodate 15 adopted children from Zimbabwe. Talking to them is, for the most part, a waste of time as the first 4 managers they talk to will be declared "rude" while the final manager they talk to will be "useless", despite the fact that we give them tons of free stuff and generally go out of our way to try and help this jackoffs. On the rare occasion that we actually make them happy, we will still get a complaint at our corporate office to get them even more free stuff.
Woodchipper the Needy
I'm an evil bastard. Now that I have that out of the way, I can tell you that, in most cases, the pain of other people does not really concern me that much. This is not to say that, during a medical emergency, I won't show any care for those who need it, however when we go to your room with emergency oxygen and medical supplies because you complain of being in, and I quote, "unbearable pain," you had better not suddenly say "I'm ok" then call us back in 20 minutes. Again. For the fourth time. The most recent time, the calls stopped when we told them that we were out of emergency oxygen and had no more to give them (their repeated calls for help drained almost our full supply, and we had to keep some for others). In short, if you really are hurting that bad, call the damn paramedics and get the hell out of here. However, really nice old ladies like the one I sent to the hospital tonight I can help all day, she was in horrid amounts of pain, took only ice, went to the hospital, and was making jokes and laughing the whole time to keep her spirits up. If I'm half as cool as that when I'm 50 (twice my age now), I'll be happy.
No, you are not special
This is a general statement: I do not care if you are a famous sports player, beer distributer, CEO/GM of a company, or spoiled rich bastard. In Colorado, alcohol stops at 2am, period. I'm not getting fined out the ass because you think you're god's gift to the universe.
Closed Means Closed
Our pool and hot tub close at 10pm every night. This is so we can clean them because you're entire grubby fucking family made the water turn green by swimming in it today like all the rest of the dirty, greasy-ass people in the hotel. No, I will not let you in to swim in the horrible, skin-burning chemicals. No, I will not open the pool area so you can "sit around there." Please see entry under "you are not special." Ass. The same thing goes for Room Service: just because they are closed does not mean that whining to me about it will get you anything. I really don't care.
It's outside
Three times this week, I shit you not, I have gotten complaints because someone saw a bug...outside. You know, in the outdoors. Folks, let me explain the concept of "Summer" to you: it just so happens that things get warmer when this Summer thing occurs. Then, these little things called insects move around outside. It's not my fault, why are you people still alive? How has someone not strangled you for the good of the planet yet!?!?
Oops
This one was less a piss-off than it was something to laugh about later. We had a guest who was screaming at one of the front desk agents for roughly 5-10 minutes, saying he was rude, and he was discriminating against him. The agent is calmly taking it all in stride, seeming to absently be playing on a web browser as the guest yells. At the end of the conversation, he swivels his computer monitor around so the guest can see, the man takes one look, stutters, then looks down at his feet, says "sorry", and walks away. See, the guest said he was being discriminated against because he was gay...not knowing the front desk agent was too. The webpage he brought up? His Myspace profile. Oops!
Oops round two
Another one like before, I was being yelled at for being racist by a black lady. She went on a long tirade about how she knew all the management of the hotel was white, and about how she just knew my manager was too, since he allowed us to treat her like that. She demands to speak to my manager...so out he walks. He's black. Suddenly she seems suddenly very embarassed by this, since his existence as my manager and friend all in one has deflated her argument before a word was even spoken. She just left after that, leaving my manager rather baffled. Oops...again.
I think that's a good list...I'll add more later on
The Elevator
Our elevators have a security feature: after 10pm, you have to swipe your key card to get up to your room, otherwise you can't go to a guest floor. We have a lot of hobos downtown, this keeps them off the floors, and keeps random idiots from wandering to your room when they walk in at 3am, plowed, and banging on your door. Every elevator has 3 signs inside that tell people about this feature, and there are 4 signs on the elevator banks themselves on every floor that say the same thing. Despite this, I run into random individuals who claim they have been stuck on our "broken" elevator for anywhere between 5-60 minutes, then are even angrier when we swipe their key and show them it's been working the whole time. Bravo, you can't press buttons properly if there's a simple step beforehand.
Get up. Now.
I'm fairly friendly to most people, until I meet up with the drunken stare. You've all seen it, where you say something reasonable, and the person you're talking to squints and stares at you as if you've just said "I'm going to chop off my testicles and sail off to France to join the League of Justice." Now, the stare alone annoys me, because I can literally smell smoke as their drunk-ass brain tries to figure out exactly what you meant about their mother when you said "Hello" a moment ago. However, I feel a highly increased amount of annoyance when I run into the same jackass 2 hours later, passed out, lying on the floor in the middle of a hallway. Bonus points if they had problems with the elevator, and just went to sleep there instead. Lightning round points if, when woken up, they threaten to fight us (us being me, 2 co-workers, and 2-3 engineers). Final Jeopardy round, however, if they make the same threat when our friends from the police are on-hand to help out (we have 2 officers on weekends since people are idiots).
The Sensationalist
The greatest types of hotel guests, if you replace the word "greatest" with the words "justifiably murderable". They complain about everything: the food was too hot, then too cold, then there were only 2 sprigs of parsley. The pillows were soft, their hot shower was too steamy, we don't get the cheap-ass local station from 8 states away (or another country) on our televisions, and the bed could not accomodate 15 adopted children from Zimbabwe. Talking to them is, for the most part, a waste of time as the first 4 managers they talk to will be declared "rude" while the final manager they talk to will be "useless", despite the fact that we give them tons of free stuff and generally go out of our way to try and help this jackoffs. On the rare occasion that we actually make them happy, we will still get a complaint at our corporate office to get them even more free stuff.
Woodchipper the Needy
I'm an evil bastard. Now that I have that out of the way, I can tell you that, in most cases, the pain of other people does not really concern me that much. This is not to say that, during a medical emergency, I won't show any care for those who need it, however when we go to your room with emergency oxygen and medical supplies because you complain of being in, and I quote, "unbearable pain," you had better not suddenly say "I'm ok" then call us back in 20 minutes. Again. For the fourth time. The most recent time, the calls stopped when we told them that we were out of emergency oxygen and had no more to give them (their repeated calls for help drained almost our full supply, and we had to keep some for others). In short, if you really are hurting that bad, call the damn paramedics and get the hell out of here. However, really nice old ladies like the one I sent to the hospital tonight I can help all day, she was in horrid amounts of pain, took only ice, went to the hospital, and was making jokes and laughing the whole time to keep her spirits up. If I'm half as cool as that when I'm 50 (twice my age now), I'll be happy.
No, you are not special
This is a general statement: I do not care if you are a famous sports player, beer distributer, CEO/GM of a company, or spoiled rich bastard. In Colorado, alcohol stops at 2am, period. I'm not getting fined out the ass because you think you're god's gift to the universe.
Closed Means Closed
Our pool and hot tub close at 10pm every night. This is so we can clean them because you're entire grubby fucking family made the water turn green by swimming in it today like all the rest of the dirty, greasy-ass people in the hotel. No, I will not let you in to swim in the horrible, skin-burning chemicals. No, I will not open the pool area so you can "sit around there." Please see entry under "you are not special." Ass. The same thing goes for Room Service: just because they are closed does not mean that whining to me about it will get you anything. I really don't care.
It's outside
Three times this week, I shit you not, I have gotten complaints because someone saw a bug...outside. You know, in the outdoors. Folks, let me explain the concept of "Summer" to you: it just so happens that things get warmer when this Summer thing occurs. Then, these little things called insects move around outside. It's not my fault, why are you people still alive? How has someone not strangled you for the good of the planet yet!?!?
Oops
This one was less a piss-off than it was something to laugh about later. We had a guest who was screaming at one of the front desk agents for roughly 5-10 minutes, saying he was rude, and he was discriminating against him. The agent is calmly taking it all in stride, seeming to absently be playing on a web browser as the guest yells. At the end of the conversation, he swivels his computer monitor around so the guest can see, the man takes one look, stutters, then looks down at his feet, says "sorry", and walks away. See, the guest said he was being discriminated against because he was gay...not knowing the front desk agent was too. The webpage he brought up? His Myspace profile. Oops!
Oops round two
Another one like before, I was being yelled at for being racist by a black lady. She went on a long tirade about how she knew all the management of the hotel was white, and about how she just knew my manager was too, since he allowed us to treat her like that. She demands to speak to my manager...so out he walks. He's black. Suddenly she seems suddenly very embarassed by this, since his existence as my manager and friend all in one has deflated her argument before a word was even spoken. She just left after that, leaving my manager rather baffled. Oops...again.
I think that's a good list...I'll add more later on
Sheesh, could you imagine the party? 
Comment