The Parade of Douchebags

[KhirasHY]

Time to post another collection of my idiots. I love them so, I would like to give them all a nice, tight hug around the neck. Join me!

Thanks. Ass.

We are a no smoking hotel, thanks to a little Colorado law about smoking in businesses. Now, smoking doesn't bother me any, but I can understand it...either way, the hotel charges $250 for the deep cleaning required to re-do the room before we can sell it again. This does not matter with the room we find today though, since not only have they trashed the entire room (and destroyed parts of it), they have tried to steal the $2000 flatscreen TV (destroying it in the process), and our front desk didn't properly authorize the credit card. $150 room rate plus what looks to be $3850 in damages so far, we got $40, and a fake name/address. Card's probably stolen too. Thanks guys.

Sometime today, please?

Our camera system went down today. It went down yesterday too. Both times, we made calls at 8am...the tech didn't come in either day until after 6pm, reset the system, admitted he doesn't know why it broke, and left.

I have bets the camera system goes down tomorrow too.

No, we will not give you free stuff because you're an idiot. Also, get away.

No, sir, it is not our fault that you have caught Scabies. Since you were nice enough to admit you've never had them before, you've come into the realm of my medical knowledge...since I know it takes 4-6 weeks to develop symptoms the first time you catch them. No, I will not shake your hand, you infested bastard, get the all-engorging fuck away from me, your presence makes my skin crawl. Also, no, I will not give you a free room since you caught a parasite back home in France.

Yes, it works.

SC: "Your elevator's broken."
Me: "Did you swipe your key like it says on the sign?"
SC: ""
Me:

Uhh...

SC: This door's locked.
Me: *Looks at the sign that says "doors automatically lock after 11pm"* Um...sir...
SC: "t's a fire hazard!
Me: *Looks at the GIANT RED BUTTON marked "UNLOCK"* Sir...
SC: This is unacceptable.
Me: *God damnit...* Sir, the sign there says the door locks, the giant, conspicuous red button marked unlock...
SC: What about it!?
Me: It...unlocks...the door.
SC: .................................
Me: ................................
SC: ..................
Me:
SC: You're not going to fix it?
Me: The...door...unlocks...
SC: No it doesn't!
Me: *Pushes the button...opens the door* See?
SC: Your manager will hear about this.
Me: Good luck with that.

I swear to god, these people would ignore any helpful button, but if I install one that says "kill yourself" they would press it all day. Or at least, I would hope so.

Que?

I'm not a racist folks...but let me explain something. This hotel is in the Colorado...in the USA. Thus, getting indignant about us not all speaking Spanish because you think that "this is an international hotel" makes no sense whatsoever. I do not speak Spanish, nor am I required to. I'm sorry that, at 3 am, we don't have a full complement of translators on-hand who speak both Spanish and English, but please kindly feel free to light yourself on fire.

*Sigh*

Scenario: You are with a loading company, and you come in a day early.
Response: Piss off. You weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow, and I don't have any options for you. Your metric ass-ton of shit can't come into the hotel, mainly because the areas where it is supposed to go is being taken up by another group. No, I cannot store 18 tons of flexible dildos for you until we have a place to put them, I'm sure you can find some way to put them somewhere else.

Maybe next time, when we say to deliver them on 7/21/08, you will not deliver them on 7/20/08. And don't complain to me about it. I can't help you, because I can't magically build a new storage area out of my excrement, or whatever it is you want.

Cameltoe...

I would like to thank the 450 pound woman who came in today in spandex for finally convincing me that suicide is, for once, the preferable option. I'll just head on up to the roof after being the unfortunate witness to the cameltoe of the demon Baphomet, not to mention the horrific muffin top that you decided to show off along with it. My only hope is that I will land head-first, so the part of me that has had the image burned directly into it will be mashed into a pulp upon the asphalt quickly, and hopefully it will remain there instead of following me into Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven.

Even more alarming is that this woman had children, which makes me wonder just how many drugs she had to use to seduce the poor bastard who fathered them. This woman would make a turkey baster cringe, much less a flesh and blood human being...

Barroom Hero, he is not

There are certain things you do not do in any sensible bar, without a damn good invitation. This winner first decides that he is going to put a dollar bill down the hostess' shirt...this is the quickest way to get taken into a stairwell by the staff and beaten, but he survives. He is told he is no longer welcome in the bar, and thrown out.

Later on, the bar gets a bit busy, and the guy manages to sneak back in...specifically to walk back up to her, and in full view of everyone, grab his crotch and run away. Now, the sensible thing to do now is disappear, but not for this idiot...he goes to our 2nd bar, and tries to drink, but the bar managers know who he is. Unfortunately for him, we also have 2 friends from Denver Police working off-duty to help us stop problems like this on property. Our buddies, J and M as we'll call them, go talk to Grabby McUnderpants, and find out...he's a guest!

Now, anyone who's seen my "broken record" post will know by now that I can have a fairly live temper...and, as a result of his being lewd to my co-workers, that temper was running fairly hot. So, given the options, I got to say the most beautiful words the hostess heard all night, right in front of her: "Kick him out."

So the idiot, J, M, and myself got to go to his room, make him pack his own bags, and get the hell off my property. The best part? He paid $5000 to attend the functions of the group he's with this week, and now can't come on property to do so (trespassing laws). His group was also notified of this, and they cancelled his membership, effectively crippling the guy's ability to do any business with their association.

The moral of the story? It won't ever pay off to offend my staff. You can offend me (to a point) and I'll be patient with you for quite some time, but start in on my staff and we are going to have a problem. On top of that, my reactions to problems are simple: I don't get mad, I get even.

That's all for this round, see ya soon

[Evil Queen]

...can I work for you?! Please?!

[Polenicus]

Cameltoe...

I would like to thank the 450 pound woman who came in today in spandex for finally convincing me that suicide is, for once, the preferable option. I'll just head on up to the roof after being the unfortunate witness to the cameltoe of the demon Baphomet, not to mention the horrific muffin top that you decided to show off along with it. My only hope is that I will land head-first, so the part of me that has had the image burned directly into it will be mashed into a pulp upon the asphalt quickly, and hopefully it will remain there instead of following me into Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven.

Even more alarming is that this woman had children, which makes me wonder just how many drugs she had to use to seduce the poor bastard who fathered them. This woman would make a turkey baster cringe, much less a flesh and blood human being...

You should compare notes with Gravekeeper. I believe he witnessed first-hand the mating rituals of the Great North American Land Shamu. Apparently, they mate at midday at public Skytrain terminals.

... Actually, on second though, given the description GK gave, you probably DON'T want to compare notes, lest your current mental recording of the beast combine with GK's description to give you a vivid, technicolor simulation of the event running through your head with the tenacity of a Christmas tune in July.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Winner!

I have nothing against smokers, either. Just don't blow your smoke directly in my face, and I can get along fine with you. Don't try to flagrantly defy "no smoking" ordinances either, and I'll get along fine with you.

Mind you, I do think taking up smoking in this day and age -- what with all the information out there about how hazardous it is -- is a stupid thing to do.

So I do sometimes say things like this:

J2K: Me
TG: Teenage Girl

At my store, owing to orders from the Cigarette Tax Board, cigarettes can only be purchased at the express register. TG and her dad come through my line. TG is probably about eighteen. She sees the cigarettes, and turns to her dad.

TG: *jokingly* Hey, yeah! I could take up smoking!
*blink, look at her dad, then back to her*
J2K: Why not taking up playing in traffic? It's free, and it's a much faster way to kill yourself.

TG, her dad, and a few other customers in my line burst out laughing. And the best part was, the next person in line was buying cigarettes, but still said, "That was a good line."

[tropicsgoddess]

T
Que?

I'm not a racist folks...but let me explain something. This hotel is in the Colorado...in the USA. Thus, getting indignant about us not all speaking Spanish because you think that "this is an international hotel" makes no sense whatsoever. I do not speak Spanish, nor am I required to. I'm sorry that, at 3 am, we don't have a full complement of translators on-hand who speak both Spanish and English, but please kindly feel free to light yourself on fire.

Cameltoe...

I would like to thank the 450 pound woman who came in today in spandex for finally convincing me that suicide is, for once, the preferable option. I'll just head on up to the roof after being the unfortunate witness to the cameltoe of the demon Baphomet, not to mention the horrific muffin top that you decided to show off along with it. My only hope is that I will land head-first, so the part of me that has had the image burned directly into it will be mashed into a pulp upon the asphalt quickly, and hopefully it will remain there instead of following me into Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven.

Even more alarming is that this woman had children, which makes me wonder just how many drugs she had to use to seduce the poor bastard who fathered them. This woman would make a turkey baster cringe, much less a flesh and blood human being...

Oh Good Grief.....after that visual you gave me about Ms. Moose Knuckle, I think I'll immerse myself in some . As for the Spanish customers, I feel your pain on that one. South Florida has quite the populous of Latinos (particularly the Cubans) and sometimes me or co-workers would get shit from the SC's for not having somebody that can speak Spanish. I can't believe that ass had that nerve to try and put a dollar bill down the Hostess' shirt! I would've slapped him for that . Nobody but my guy gets to have their hands on my boobs! I just loved how you and your co-workers and cop friends kicked his ass to the curb!

[wagegoth]

The Suicide Booths in Futurama were so cool. Unfortunately, the people who should use them won't.


Don't worry, KhirasHY, when you arrive in FSM heaven, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will bless you with his noodly appendage and remove all those horrible images forever. Ramen!

[KhirasHY]

Oh Good Grief.....after that visual you gave me about Ms. Moose Knuckle, I think I'll immerse myself in some . As for the Spanish customers, I feel your pain on that one. South Florida has quite the populous of Latinos (particularly the Cubans) and sometimes me or co-workers would get shit from the SC's for not having somebody that can speak Spanish. I can't believe that ass had that nerve to try and put a dollar bill down the Hostess' shirt! I would've slapped him for that . Nobody but my guy gets to have their hands on my boobs! I just loved how you and your co-workers and cop friends kicked his ass to the curb!

The worst part is, I love the Spanish language...it sounds cool in my mind. Also, I have a co-worker who always walks away muttering in Spanish when he's frustrated, and it's just such a good "angry" way to talk. That said, it ain't my fault that I speak Japanese instead, I don't get why people yell at me for that.

On a side note, once at my old job (I had already given my 2 weeks to come to my current job), I got the same complaint once and responded entirely in Japanese...then criticized that they didn't speak the language of the international hotel. God that felt good. If I remember right, the person hung up, then called back screaming and I "accidently" disconnected her a couple times while transferring the call.

[Bliss]

So in theory, international hotels should have at all times a clerk that speaks english, spanish, french, german, japanese, russian, several hindi dialects, pakistani, mandarin, cantonese, Zuahili..... what else???

[Gravekeeper]

You should compare notes with Gravekeeper. I believe he witnessed first-hand the mating rituals of the Great North American Land Shamu. Apparently, they mate at midday at public Skytrain terminals.

ugh, it was the first thing I thought of when I was reading. You're the Queen! You're the Queen! <shudder>

"Mooseknuckle" is also a horrifying term I might add.

[Pagan]

I'll just head on up to the roof after being the unfortunate witness to the cameltoe of the demon Baphomet,

HEY!! Don't insult the Baphomet. (And it isn't a demon....actually, nobody's really sure what it is....)

Since you were nice enough to admit you've never had them before, you've come into the realm of my medical knowledge...since I know it takes 4-6 weeks to develop symptoms the first time you catch them.

Why do you know this?? Probably the same reason that I know why cocaine is a Schedule II drug and marijuana is Schedule I. Right??

[Jay 2K Winger]

So in theory, international hotels should have at all times a clerk that speaks english, spanish, french, german, japanese, russian, several hindi dialects, pakistani, mandarin, cantonese, Zuahili..... what else???

You get the opposite sometimes, too. When people look at the PINpads to swipe their credit cards, two of the most common indignant questions I get are:

"Why is there FRENCH on here?"
It's something I've often wondered. We get all sorts at the store where I work, but French is probably the LEAST common. If we were to put the most common languages in as an option, it'd have to be Spanish and... I dunno, one of the less common Asian languages (Korean, Vietnamese, etc. as opposed to, say, Chinese or Japanese).

It's not like we're anywhere near Quebec, which is when it would make sense.

"Why do I have to choose English? I shouldn't have to choose!"
Now, I'm not one of those DEM DAMN FARRNERS SHOULD GIT OUTTA MAH COUNTRY types, I think you SHOULD respect your native country's language, if you're an immigrant, but I DO think that if you're going to live in America, you should learn the English language. Not because of some jingoistic belief, but because I think it'll make it easier for you to communicate with me, someone who despite four years of high school Spanish, speaks it very poorly.

But to these people who ask this question, I tell them, "Go ahead and swipe your card. It defaults to English."

[karath]

Now, I'm not one of those DEM DAMN FARRNERS SHOULD GIT OUTTA MAH COUNTRY types, I think you SHOULD respect your native country's language, if you're an immigrant, but I DO think that if you're going to live in America, you should learn the English language. Not because of some jingoistic belief, but because I think it'll make it easier for you to communicate with me, someone who despite four years of high school Spanish, speaks it very poorly.

That last bit goes for me, too. I took 3 years of spanish in high school, two semesters in college, and work at a restaurant where virtually everyone speaks spanish...and I can speak the language with the same fluency i utilize when speaking canine. I don't quite know how that works...


And also, gratz on being able to boot out mr. future sex offender! That would be IMMENSELY satisfying. I swear I will never understand the mindset of people who act like that in public!

[CloserToSane]

Along with EQ I would love to work for you. I could move, yes, that's do-able.

[Snowbird]

Cameltoe...

I would like to thank the 450 pound woman who came in today in spandex for finally convincing me that suicide is, for once, the preferable option. I'll just head on up to the roof after being the unfortunate witness to the cameltoe of the demon Baphomet, not to mention the horrific muffin top that you decided to show off along with it. My only hope is that I will land head-first, so the part of me that has had the image burned directly into it will be mashed into a pulp upon the asphalt quickly, and hopefully it will remain there instead of following me into Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven.

Even more alarming is that this woman had children, which makes me wonder just how many drugs she had to use to seduce the poor bastard who fathered them. This woman would make a turkey baster cringe, much less a flesh and blood human being...

Um, I think I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. I've seen enough people commenting on how gross overweight people are to be a little put off. Yeah, it isn't awesome sauce to see an obese woman wearing something not meant for her size(Though it was mentioned she was wearing spandex, does the hotel have an exercise room, was she walking outside?), but I'm just not seeing the sucky part.

I have more thoughts on the subject but I'll be taking it to Fratching, if anyone wants to come over and discuss it.

Great to hear that you were able to boot the wannabe groper/perv too. What a moron.

[Jay 2K Winger]

That last bit goes for me, too. I took 3 years of spanish in high school, two semesters in college, and work at a restaurant where virtually everyone speaks spanish...and I can speak the language with the same fluency i utilize when speaking canine. I don't quite know how that works...

Part of me likes to think that it was because the last two years of high school Spanish I took were FIRST THING IN THE MORNING classes, when I'm barely conscious.

It didn't help that my teacher those last two years was "La Bruja." No, seriously, that was what she called HERSELF. Some students a few years before had called her that, and she adopted it as her NAME.

For those who don't know, "La Bruja" means "The Witch."