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Ok, so it's slow tonight, I'm tired, and all my work is done...nothing to do but BS online. WEE!!! Anyway, since nothing's happening, I started perusing the site and thinking of old stories that would be fun to post...and I came up with a few favorites from way back. Most of these are old, but I still remember most of the details.
The Check Tosser
Back in high school, I got a job working at a video game retailer at a mall...the pay sucked, but it was cash in hand, and since I'm a game addict, I enjoyed the employee discount and "rental" thing we had going (we could take home games to try them, in theory, to know about them and sell them to people. In practice, we just wanted free game rentals
). Anyway, the worst, absolute WORST times in that industry are the Christmas months...basically all of November/December, since all the biggest games come out at the same time and you get tons of EW's who are astonished that they don't get a copy of the biggest game of the year since they didn't presell it.
One of the worst was at the register with my manager, he had been helped buying an XBox, some accessories, and a couple games, but never mentioned to anyone that he wanted one of the new releases as well (can't remember which, think it was Knights of the Old Republic?), so we didn't know to tell him it was presells only at that point. He finds this out at the register when he demands a copy, and then pitches a bitch that we never answered the question he didn't ask...? When my manager apologized, but told him we were sold out, he tears up the check he was writing for the system and tosses it into my manager's face.
Instant fallout, the guy and his (now crying, because they get no game system) children are kicked out and banned from the store. Meanwhile, on either side of the manager, we're checking out a long line of people...and suddenly we're both raising out voices to distract people away from what's happening right next to us. Un...com...for...ta...ble.
Gap Troll
Same retail store, it used to have a 14 day return policy where, if the game sucked, you could bring it back and get something new. This was huge, and brought us a lot of customers, since they knew we honestly only sold them good stuff (the shitty stuff would come right back, therefore...). Anyway, there was one kid, egged on by his father, that we eventually started calling the Gap Troll because of his constantly hunched over frame. Little bastard Gap Troll would buy a game, play it for 12-13 days, then return it for another...and we couldn't stop him, he was within the policy. Sometimes he would even re-buy a game so he could pass it. I took great delight when the same manager as above finally got ticked and told him he couldn't do any more returns for abusing the policy.
Child Abandonment
There are two daycares in every mall, according to most idiot parents: an arcade, and a video game store. It happened to us all the time, parents would just leave their damnable spawn in the store, then go off shopping...but there's a problem with that: we can't legally stop anyone from leaving our store if they just leave having not done anything illegal. This means that little Billy can walk right out the front door during our busy Christmas season, and not only can I not stop him, but I probably won't even notice because I'm so damned busy. You'd be amazed how many parents would flip out when they came back and their children were missing, which is understandable, but what the hell gave them the idea that we were daycare workers?
The worst was a woman who worked in the mall at J.C. Pennies, she would bring her nephew to the mall with her, then leave him for 8 hours while she worked. Of course, he would come to the store, but he clearly had never been parented a day in his life, and he had no concept of reality. He was the worst because he would make 5-minute friends, then leave the store with these complete strangers to talk about games. This went on for a long time, and our DM would not let us do anything other than put limits on how long he could play the demo systems. Finally, the Regional Manager (who we loved) heard the story one day, and got pissed...being a mother herself. We kept records the next 3 times he came in: when we saw him, how long he was in the store, and if we saw him with any parent/guardian. The average was about 10am, 6-7 hours, and no. After we got 3 good records, she had us call the police.
Interesting fact in Colorado...that's illegal to do that with your children. He was too young to be left alone like that, repeatedly, and she got a nice visit from social services. They put her on probation, and we never saw the kid again. Fast forward 2 years, I'm at another mall shopping for new games, and who do I see? Same kid, same story, she just transferred to another mall and started doing it again. Last I heard, the same regional found out about the kid, found out it was the same one, and had them call the police again. Supposedly he was put into protective care after that, but I doubt that would help. I guarantee you, that kids upbringing will result in severe mental problems the older he gets, because he already had fairly disturbing problems when I saw him.
F*&^ing everything
One of my first major hotel SCs after I had waved goodbye to the world of retail (hopefully forever) was a guy who came in with his head so far up his ass, the black hole he created from the flexibility started to suck happiness from as far away as China. I had 3 interactions with this person in one night, and it was probably the closest I have ever come to going to prison. To this day, I still have his name, address, company, and phone number written down, so I can take a vacation if he ever makes a reservation at my new hotel.
Me:
FJ: Jackass who, to this day, I still want to murder
Paranthesis: My thoughts.
First interaction:
Me: Good evening, hotel operator, how can I help you Mr. Fucking Jackass (FJ)?
FJ: What the fuck is wrong with you people, is it so hard to get some help here?
Me: ...Sir?
FJ: Just tell me where the god damn business center is so I can stop wasting my time with you.
Me: Second floor. (I'll note, the rest of my answers from here on out are monotone, and I am clenching my fist as hard as I can during every conversation)
FJ: About damn time. *click*
Me: Mother fucker...
Second interaction comes not 5 minutes later, and I know it's him because of the phone he uses...sadly, I'm alone, so I have to answer.
Me: Good evening, hotel operator, how can I help you? (still monotone...I know who's calling)
FJ: Who the fuck is this?
Me: Hotel operator.
FJ: What the fuck is wrong with your computer? Do you think I'm kidding with you fuckers when I said I need a business center, and you tell me to come here!?
Me: (Eat shit and die) What is the problem?
FJ: THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOUR SHIT DOES NOT WORK ASSHOLE!
Me: I'll send our Engineer up to help you if-
FJ: JUST GET THEM FUCKING UP HERE NOW! *click*
Me: MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Now, three things just happened: our PBX (operator) stations are behind the front desk, so they've just heard me scream. Our lobby is also an atrium, and the business center is on the second floor, so his screams echoed down shortly before that. Third, I have just kicked the door into my office so hard, there is now a fairly large hole in it, and my friend at the front desk is staring at me, wide-eyed, afraid to even say anything. I am practically on fire with rage, and have the engineer call me so I can warn him about what kind of fuck he's about to deal with. He goes over, and meets with the guy in the business center. A few minutes later, I hear someone scream down into the lobby "You guys are all fucking worthless!" Somehow, I know who it is.
The engineer comes into my office and starts bitching about how the guy was an asshole, but it was his fuckup...he was refusing to put his credit card in the machine, so the computer wouldn't work...but they aren't free, so he's screwed! The guy wouldn't listen to anything they said, walked out, and screamed his line into the lobby. Basically, Enginner said that all he wanted was for the guy to lay a finger on him so he could legally beat the hell out of him. I think that's going to be it, but no such luck.
Third and final interaction:
Me: (I see the name/room before I even answer...FUCK!) Good evening, hotel operator, how can I help you Mr. FJ. (into a coffin, I hope!)
FJ: You know what, I thought you people couldn't be any more worthless than you had been before, but you just continue to prove yourselves as nothing more than brainless idiots.
Me: ...
FJ: After everything you've done tonight, the best I hope for you is to see you get run over by a car so I can laugh and piss on your corpse, you piece of shit!
Me: Excuse me!? (The monotone has faded. Engineer has just said "dude" because he has looked at my clenched fist, which has just started to bleed from my fingernails digging in to my palm. I am also now on my feet, and a deep shade of purple)
FJ: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME SHITHEAD! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING SLAUGHTERED IF THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO! *CLICK*
ME: HE'S A FUCKING DEAD MAN!
This, again, startles the shit out of my co-worker. I have now also slammed down my handset hard enough that the casing cracks in several places (I had to replace it later with a crappy backup handset...poo), and luckily the engineer and one of our Security, along with my manager is standing between me and the doorway. All three of them heard his last scream before he hung up, so they know there's a reason I'm now trying to bowl my way past them so I can run up to his room and stab him. My friend at front desk is now shaking and answering the phones for me in the back, as I'm subdued and walked into the bar by my manager, and ordered a shot of whiskey.
15 minutes and 2 shots later, I'd cheered up a bit, and wasn't getting fired, but I still had to be watched until the guy checked out. I talked to him the next night for his wake-up call (back to monotone) and had no issues, but I found out that he was a prick again when he checked out, being a dick to everyone. His last act was to grab every stack of comment cards we had at 6 front desk stations and fling them all over the lobby before leaving. Total number of employees who wished they could have legally beaten him down by check out: 9.
Again, to this day, I still have his information written down, since him staying with my hotel ever again will probably get me fired/arrested.
And now for something completely different
I like to tell this story after the last one, since it happened 1 week later, and it made everything OK for me for a while. I'll call the guest JG, and he was the polar opposite of everything FJ had been a week before. You ever met someone who is so happy and enthusiastic that you can't help but smile after meeting them? JG was that kind of person, and the 2 days he spent in that hotel were 2 of the best I had working there. I even had a couple SCs who couldn't upset me those days, because the guy was so nice to have around.
Why can't everyone be like that?
Never. Touch. Me.
During one of the last months that I was working at the same hotel as the last 2 stories, I had the misfortune to be walking through the lobby when an SC was screaming at the front desk over something or another. He sees me walking past to go home, turns, and grabs me by my suit jacket and starts screaming, about what I don't know, because my reactions to that sort of thing are...unfriendly at best. I'm also not small (about 6'3", 200), so when I got right in his face and simply said "Let go now", he got the clue instantly.
Point of reference folks, never, EVER do that. Had he done it during FJ's story, it probably would have gotten ugly...but in general, grabbing someone like that is a good way to get your arms broken (and legs...and skull). I guess you could say that I don't like that.
Ok, that's enough ancient history for now, so I'll bring this to a close. The funny thing is, even remembering FJ's story has my blood pumping a bit...so I think I'll get some fresh air now.
The Check Tosser
Back in high school, I got a job working at a video game retailer at a mall...the pay sucked, but it was cash in hand, and since I'm a game addict, I enjoyed the employee discount and "rental" thing we had going (we could take home games to try them, in theory, to know about them and sell them to people. In practice, we just wanted free game rentals
). Anyway, the worst, absolute WORST times in that industry are the Christmas months...basically all of November/December, since all the biggest games come out at the same time and you get tons of EW's who are astonished that they don't get a copy of the biggest game of the year since they didn't presell it.One of the worst was at the register with my manager, he had been helped buying an XBox, some accessories, and a couple games, but never mentioned to anyone that he wanted one of the new releases as well (can't remember which, think it was Knights of the Old Republic?), so we didn't know to tell him it was presells only at that point. He finds this out at the register when he demands a copy, and then pitches a bitch that we never answered the question he didn't ask...? When my manager apologized, but told him we were sold out, he tears up the check he was writing for the system and tosses it into my manager's face.
Instant fallout, the guy and his (now crying, because they get no game system) children are kicked out and banned from the store. Meanwhile, on either side of the manager, we're checking out a long line of people...and suddenly we're both raising out voices to distract people away from what's happening right next to us. Un...com...for...ta...ble.
Gap Troll
Same retail store, it used to have a 14 day return policy where, if the game sucked, you could bring it back and get something new. This was huge, and brought us a lot of customers, since they knew we honestly only sold them good stuff (the shitty stuff would come right back, therefore...). Anyway, there was one kid, egged on by his father, that we eventually started calling the Gap Troll because of his constantly hunched over frame. Little bastard Gap Troll would buy a game, play it for 12-13 days, then return it for another...and we couldn't stop him, he was within the policy. Sometimes he would even re-buy a game so he could pass it. I took great delight when the same manager as above finally got ticked and told him he couldn't do any more returns for abusing the policy.
Child Abandonment
There are two daycares in every mall, according to most idiot parents: an arcade, and a video game store. It happened to us all the time, parents would just leave their damnable spawn in the store, then go off shopping...but there's a problem with that: we can't legally stop anyone from leaving our store if they just leave having not done anything illegal. This means that little Billy can walk right out the front door during our busy Christmas season, and not only can I not stop him, but I probably won't even notice because I'm so damned busy. You'd be amazed how many parents would flip out when they came back and their children were missing, which is understandable, but what the hell gave them the idea that we were daycare workers?
The worst was a woman who worked in the mall at J.C. Pennies, she would bring her nephew to the mall with her, then leave him for 8 hours while she worked. Of course, he would come to the store, but he clearly had never been parented a day in his life, and he had no concept of reality. He was the worst because he would make 5-minute friends, then leave the store with these complete strangers to talk about games. This went on for a long time, and our DM would not let us do anything other than put limits on how long he could play the demo systems. Finally, the Regional Manager (who we loved) heard the story one day, and got pissed...being a mother herself. We kept records the next 3 times he came in: when we saw him, how long he was in the store, and if we saw him with any parent/guardian. The average was about 10am, 6-7 hours, and no. After we got 3 good records, she had us call the police.
Interesting fact in Colorado...that's illegal to do that with your children. He was too young to be left alone like that, repeatedly, and she got a nice visit from social services. They put her on probation, and we never saw the kid again. Fast forward 2 years, I'm at another mall shopping for new games, and who do I see? Same kid, same story, she just transferred to another mall and started doing it again. Last I heard, the same regional found out about the kid, found out it was the same one, and had them call the police again. Supposedly he was put into protective care after that, but I doubt that would help. I guarantee you, that kids upbringing will result in severe mental problems the older he gets, because he already had fairly disturbing problems when I saw him.
F*&^ing everything
One of my first major hotel SCs after I had waved goodbye to the world of retail (hopefully forever) was a guy who came in with his head so far up his ass, the black hole he created from the flexibility started to suck happiness from as far away as China. I had 3 interactions with this person in one night, and it was probably the closest I have ever come to going to prison. To this day, I still have his name, address, company, and phone number written down, so I can take a vacation if he ever makes a reservation at my new hotel.
Me:
FJ: Jackass who, to this day, I still want to murder
Paranthesis: My thoughts.
First interaction:
Me: Good evening, hotel operator, how can I help you Mr. Fucking Jackass (FJ)?
FJ: What the fuck is wrong with you people, is it so hard to get some help here?
Me: ...Sir?
FJ: Just tell me where the god damn business center is so I can stop wasting my time with you.
Me: Second floor. (I'll note, the rest of my answers from here on out are monotone, and I am clenching my fist as hard as I can during every conversation)
FJ: About damn time. *click*
Me: Mother fucker...
Second interaction comes not 5 minutes later, and I know it's him because of the phone he uses...sadly, I'm alone, so I have to answer.
Me: Good evening, hotel operator, how can I help you? (still monotone...I know who's calling)
FJ: Who the fuck is this?
Me: Hotel operator.
FJ: What the fuck is wrong with your computer? Do you think I'm kidding with you fuckers when I said I need a business center, and you tell me to come here!?
Me: (Eat shit and die) What is the problem?
FJ: THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOUR SHIT DOES NOT WORK ASSHOLE!
Me: I'll send our Engineer up to help you if-
FJ: JUST GET THEM FUCKING UP HERE NOW! *click*
Me: MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Now, three things just happened: our PBX (operator) stations are behind the front desk, so they've just heard me scream. Our lobby is also an atrium, and the business center is on the second floor, so his screams echoed down shortly before that. Third, I have just kicked the door into my office so hard, there is now a fairly large hole in it, and my friend at the front desk is staring at me, wide-eyed, afraid to even say anything. I am practically on fire with rage, and have the engineer call me so I can warn him about what kind of fuck he's about to deal with. He goes over, and meets with the guy in the business center. A few minutes later, I hear someone scream down into the lobby "You guys are all fucking worthless!" Somehow, I know who it is.
The engineer comes into my office and starts bitching about how the guy was an asshole, but it was his fuckup...he was refusing to put his credit card in the machine, so the computer wouldn't work...but they aren't free, so he's screwed! The guy wouldn't listen to anything they said, walked out, and screamed his line into the lobby. Basically, Enginner said that all he wanted was for the guy to lay a finger on him so he could legally beat the hell out of him. I think that's going to be it, but no such luck.
Third and final interaction:
Me: (I see the name/room before I even answer...FUCK!) Good evening, hotel operator, how can I help you Mr. FJ. (into a coffin, I hope!)
FJ: You know what, I thought you people couldn't be any more worthless than you had been before, but you just continue to prove yourselves as nothing more than brainless idiots.
Me: ...
FJ: After everything you've done tonight, the best I hope for you is to see you get run over by a car so I can laugh and piss on your corpse, you piece of shit!
Me: Excuse me!? (The monotone has faded. Engineer has just said "dude" because he has looked at my clenched fist, which has just started to bleed from my fingernails digging in to my palm. I am also now on my feet, and a deep shade of purple)
FJ: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME SHITHEAD! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING SLAUGHTERED IF THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO! *CLICK*
ME: HE'S A FUCKING DEAD MAN!
This, again, startles the shit out of my co-worker. I have now also slammed down my handset hard enough that the casing cracks in several places (I had to replace it later with a crappy backup handset...poo), and luckily the engineer and one of our Security, along with my manager is standing between me and the doorway. All three of them heard his last scream before he hung up, so they know there's a reason I'm now trying to bowl my way past them so I can run up to his room and stab him. My friend at front desk is now shaking and answering the phones for me in the back, as I'm subdued and walked into the bar by my manager, and ordered a shot of whiskey.
15 minutes and 2 shots later, I'd cheered up a bit, and wasn't getting fired, but I still had to be watched until the guy checked out. I talked to him the next night for his wake-up call (back to monotone) and had no issues, but I found out that he was a prick again when he checked out, being a dick to everyone. His last act was to grab every stack of comment cards we had at 6 front desk stations and fling them all over the lobby before leaving. Total number of employees who wished they could have legally beaten him down by check out: 9.
Again, to this day, I still have his information written down, since him staying with my hotel ever again will probably get me fired/arrested.
And now for something completely different
I like to tell this story after the last one, since it happened 1 week later, and it made everything OK for me for a while. I'll call the guest JG, and he was the polar opposite of everything FJ had been a week before. You ever met someone who is so happy and enthusiastic that you can't help but smile after meeting them? JG was that kind of person, and the 2 days he spent in that hotel were 2 of the best I had working there. I even had a couple SCs who couldn't upset me those days, because the guy was so nice to have around.
Why can't everyone be like that?
Never. Touch. Me.
During one of the last months that I was working at the same hotel as the last 2 stories, I had the misfortune to be walking through the lobby when an SC was screaming at the front desk over something or another. He sees me walking past to go home, turns, and grabs me by my suit jacket and starts screaming, about what I don't know, because my reactions to that sort of thing are...unfriendly at best. I'm also not small (about 6'3", 200), so when I got right in his face and simply said "Let go now", he got the clue instantly.
Point of reference folks, never, EVER do that. Had he done it during FJ's story, it probably would have gotten ugly...but in general, grabbing someone like that is a good way to get your arms broken (and legs...and skull). I guess you could say that I don't like that.
Ok, that's enough ancient history for now, so I'll bring this to a close. The funny thing is, even remembering FJ's story has my blood pumping a bit...so I think I'll get some fresh air now.
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