Maybe use what we already provide? (and don't exaggerate)

[MystyGlyttyr]

Okay, you all know I work at the newspaper, in the newsroom, doing obituaries and the like. On the weekends, most of the offices are closed but news keeps marching on, right? So here I am.

Now, the circulation department (the place where they coordinate newspaper delivery and the like) is open on the weekends from something like 6 in the morning till 1 in the afternoon. That's because that's when 99% of our people are going to go outside and see whether or not they have a paper and if they don't (hey, delivery folk ain't perfect), they can call in and circulation will send someone out to give them one.

Whenever we get a new subscriber, we offer them a little plastic box that they can attach to their mailbox for the paper to go in, which offers the paper protection from the elements. These things won't stand up to a firehose at point blank range, no, but they're plenty to shield the paper inside from a moderate rainfall. And since they're free and take literally 30 seconds to install (and hell, if you ask nice enough, the day you get your first delivery your person will bring the box along and install it themselves), almost everyone takes one.

Well, it's sprinkling today, maybe half an inch since 8 this morning. And the circulation department turned on the answering machine and went home 40 minutes ago. Yet somehow, this guy managed to get through to me up here in the newsroom and decided I should know everything.

Asshat: "Yeah, I tried calling down to circulation and just got the machine, and I need a paper cuz mine is WET!" (announced with all the conviction of a person informing me they were kneedeep in their only child's blood)
Me: "Well, the circulation department already left for the day so the machine is all there is-,"
Asshat: "So there ain't NOBODY down there??"
Me: "No, no, there's no one down there..."
Asshat: "I NEED a new paper, mine has been out in the yard all day and it's WET! I need a new one now!"
Me: "I'm sorry about that, but there's no one there and-,"
Asshat: "This is ridiculous, this is *rant rant rant* I can't believe you don't wrap your papers in plastic, this is so ridiculous *rant rant rant*"
Me: "Was the newspaper not put in your protective box?"
Asshat: "I AIN'T GOT no stupid protective box! I ain't spending the money to put one of those stupid things out! YOU PEOPLE SHOULD WRAP YOUR PAPERS IN PLASTIC!"
Me: "Well, that's why we offer the mailbox, to protect the papers from rain-,"
Asshat: "I DON'T GOT ONE!"
Me: "Well, to get one, you can call back Monday and talk to-,"
Asshat: "I need a dry paper NOW!!"
Me: "Well, I'm sorry sir, but there's nothing I personally can do. Circulation will be back in the morning at 6 a.m."
Asshat: "This is so ridiculous, this happens ALL THE TIME, I am ALWAYS getting a wet paper, this is constantly happening!"
Me: *smartass mode on* *pleasantly* "Well, sir, it hasn't rained since September 13, so I'm not sure why your paper is 'always' wet..."
Asshat: "DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME YOU GET DOWN THERE AND FIND SOMEONE TO GET ME A PAPER RANT RANT RANT"
Me: Well, I am the only one here, so... *hangs up*

The phone hasn't rung again, so he either stroked out or just hasn't realized yet that I hung up on him and is yelling at dead air. Or he's waiting for me in the parking lot with a gun, whatever. I doubt it though because I'm sure he doesn't want to get his gun wet...

[crazylegs]

I'm going with option a) myself!

Nice retort though.

[Heatherina]

I've always though the newspaper industry is what helps ew's flourish...how they bend over backwards for these people when their profit barely exceeds their cost. :P My fiance's mother used to deliver papers for extra money and executed the task perfectly but I don't know how many times people called in to complain that they didn't get one or that it wasn't sitting neatly on their stoop or that they wanted it wedged in between the screen door and the door.

[BookstoreEscapee]

My newspaper gets double-bagged if there's any threat of rain (they bag it, then put it in a second bag open-end first). If the rain's heavy enough, it still gets wet sometimes, but not enough to make it unreadable or anything. The bags are the perfect size for the little trash can my mom keeps on the counter by the sink.

That said, asshat is an asshat.

[dmcglu82]

I used to deliver newspapers about 10 years ago, When a customer signed up they had a choice of the plastic box with a metal pole for 20 bucks, and I would deliver it to the customer, my favorite story about the box was, this one guy was a very unpleasant man whom always complained about everything. I took the box to him, knocked on his door to let him know I was bringing him the box. He says fine set it on the porch and I (he)will put it up, now when I say up he put the box on the pole where the opening was facing up to the sky, these boxes had holes in them but not at the bottom but up near the opening to let any moisture drip out. His installation was fine until the first rain storm we had the rain fell into the box and puddled at the bottom, I knew it was wet inside and I knew I couldn't put his paper in the door cause he lived in a trailer with no screendoor, so I double bagged the paper dropped it into the box. Later that day I get a call from the office saying his paper was wet and he was very upset. I tell them the situtation they agree not much I can do, but being spineless that they are they (they being the office managers) gave him a weeks worth of papers free cause of his wet paper, so I lost my collection that week from him. Sorry if I hijacked the post just wanted to add that bit.

P.S. He wouldn't change the way the box was because he drilled holes for screws and a metal bracket and welded it to the pole

[karma_gypsy]

I did newspaper delivery as well, for about four years. Although, this was over 10 years ago. All of my customers had my home phone number though, so, if I forgot a paper, they would call me instead of circulation -- if I had an extra, I would go and deliver and if I didn't ... well, then they got my mother's ... (I didn't want to wait for a single newspaper to be driven clear across town for one person).

Although I did show favoritism to a few of my nicer customers. If it was raining, I would knock on their door and personally hand them their paper - this was before bags or the plastic boxes were even offered with the newspapers.

I only had one SC on my route and they moved after a year or so... So, yeah, come Christmas time ... I got some sweet tips

[Difdi]

P.S. He wouldn't change the way the box was because he drilled holes for screws and a metal bracket and welded it to the pole

Reminds me of the joke about how stupid domestic turkeys are...it starts raining, so they look up to see what's falling on them, and drown, still looking up...

[Nashida]

That's just EW-ism there. Doesn't take much to just spread the paper out on a table and give it 10 mins. or so to dry.

But then again, I forget who we deal with.

[otakuneko]

Huh? No bag?

My paper's pretty much always been delivered by some guy driving by and tossing it out the window.

[Ill_Used_Heroine]

I spent $5 for my box (right next to my mail box) but my paper is NEVER in there, because if there's a car parked in front of it (there usually is), the delivery person won't put it in there because that would mean they'd have to get out of their car. If I had known that, I wouldn't have wasted the money. I see these guys when I walk to work and they drive serpentine up the streets up to people's boxes or tossing them out their windows when they can't drive right up to it.

Not sure of that makes me sucky, cause I never complained about it, and they do put the paper in plastic if it rains, but I dunno ... if I was a delivery person, and people had boxes, I'd get out of my car to put it in the box, which would usually be a hop out/hop in deal. But, that's me. My mail is always in the mail box, but I'm sure my carrier gets paid way more than the delivery person.

[Hyndis]

Huh? No bag?

My paper's pretty much always been delivered by some guy driving by and tossing it out the window.

Same with mine. When its wet outside they'll bag the paper, sometimes even double bag it. It works quite well, at the very worst it'll be slightly damp, and it survives the toss from the truck into the driveway.

[Bramblerose]

My mail is always in the mail box, but I'm sure my carrier gets paid way more than the delivery person.

Can't speak for our paper- it's delivered at the edge of dawn. Our mailperson (no idea if it's a guy or gal) has a spiffy little right drive jeep and puts right up to our mailbox between 4 and 5 pm.

The last place we lived if you parked in a way that inconvenienced the mailsoul and his/her spiffy right drive jeep everyone got a stroppy note in the mailboxes with teh threat of If We Can't Reach Your Mailbox, We Won't Give You Mail with the regs of how much clearance the mailperson needed.

[Ill_Used_Heroine]

Well, the gas situation here is so lousy that my carrier sometimes parks at the far end of the block and walks in a loop to deliver everyone's mail. If she drives, she parks where there's space and will walk back a house or two to deliver the mail. And she's so nice ... we always give her a gift card for the holidays.

[InsanityInc]

My parents live in the middle of nowhere, and as a result, they get some pretty good winds coming thru. Every time they get someone new delivering the paper, they have to call in, and get someone to tell them to rubberband the paper. They've got the paper box, but it doesn't help when the paper ain't banded.

[Becks]

My newspaper gets double-bagged if there's any threat of rain (they bag it, then put it in a second bag open-end first)

LUCKY.

When I was getting the Star-Ledger, they never did that.

If I had a dollar for every sopping wet yet bagged newspaper I got from them, I'd be financially independent.