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I felt like I had fallen into an infinite loop of foolishness earlier this week. This is the gist of the conversation I had with a woman customer. She wanted a router. I knew this within no more than 30 seconds. I still doubt she knows that's what she wanted.
Infinite Loop Customer: Hi. Can you help me?
Me: Probably. What's up?
IFC: Well, I just got hooked up with Local Internet Provider with their high-speed stuff...?
Me: Okay. I know about them. Little dish-like receiver outside with a wire coming into your house somewhere, right?
IFC: Yes!
Me: What about it?
IFC: Oh! Uh. Well, I just signed up with them. With Local Internet Provider. And they're a high-speed internet thing...?
Me: ... And?
IFC: Oh! Well, they said I needed to come get something to hook up if I wanted to use all my computers.
Me: You need a router. How many computers?
IFC: No, not a router... It's, um... It's a box.
Me: Yeah. To split internet to multiple home computers. It's a router.
IFC: No, it's a box. A box with holes on it.
Thinking: Begin recording for Customers Suck posting.
Me: Right. (Picks up nearest router, which happens to be a Netgear.) A box like this?
IFC: No... No, that can't be it. What is that?
Me: A wireless router.
IFC: No, it's not a router.
Me: Were they suggesting you get a switch or a hub instead?
IFC: No, it's a box. With holes. A box with the little cord hole things.
Me: Ethernet ports?
IFC: No. They said it would be blue.
Me: Sounds like they were recommending a Linksys product, then. Their boxes are blue.
IFC: No, no, I... (Spots the section of Networking with Linksys products, which has been right in front of her the whole time.) NO! That's it! The Linky one!
Me: Okay. So they want you to get a Linksys product.
IFC: No! The blue one!
Thinking of Hon'ya-chan, BookstoreEscapee, and others: It's always the blue one!
Me: Okay. So they're recommending one of this company's products.
IFC: Yes.
Me: Good! Now, how many computers do you have?
IFC: Three. Two laptops and one regular...
Me: One desktop?
IFC: No, a real computer. The kind that goes on your desk. I'm glad you asked that because I have two laptops and the one real one, and I know they're different!
Me: To a point. So, three computers total. I'm assuming the... the "real" one is in the same room where Local Internet Provider's cable is coming in?
IFC: It's not cable. It's internet.
Me: Right, but the cord they installed is in the same room as the "real" computer?
IFC: Yes.
For those of you playing along at home, that's only the second time I've been correct in this whole interaction.
Me: Are your laptops wireless?
IFC: Oh! Um... I bought them here.
Me: Okay. How long ago?
IFC: One was just a couple weeks ago.
Me: And the other one?
IFC: It's my daughter's.
Me: And how old is it?
IFC: Oh! I think it's an '06 model.
Me: So they both have wireless receivers built in.
IFC: No, I don't think so. They have Wi-Fi, though. We use them in the airport when we travel, and I think my daughter uses it at college.
Me: Got it. And about how big is your house?
IFC: Oh, I don't know. Not too big... It's not a tiny house, though!
Me: Well, if you're not sure about that, do you know about how far you want the Wi-Fi signal to go from the cord that Local Internet Provider put in?
IFC: No... Should I?
Me: It might help. Would you guess it to be farther than, say, about 100 feet in a straight line?
IFC: Oh, no! That's far too short! ... I think. How far is 100 feet?
Thinking: It's the gazebo woman from Rine's store! Or, at least, a very close relative.
Me: Well, if it helps, this department is almost 100 feet long.
IFC: No, it's not!
Me: 88 feet, to be exact.
IFC: (Looks at me like I'm an idiot.)
Me: These shelving sections are four-feet each, and there are 22 of them from that emergency exit all the way over to those surge protectors.
IFC: (Same one-eyebrow-raised look of incredulity) Are you sure?
Me: Absolutely.
IFC: Well, then, let's just pretend my house is that long.
Me: Okay. That being the case, I think this Wireless G router would be your best bet.
IFC: But, I don't think I need a router! Do I?
Me: I'm pretty sure that's what Local Internet Provider was suggesting.
IFC: I don't know.
Me: Well, then, how about this? (I pick up the same router from the same spot on the shelf and put the other one back in it's place.) This is one of those blue Linky boxes with the cord holes on it. This will take your internet from the cord from Local Internet Provider and send it to all the computers in the house. It'll use a cord to the "real" computer and Wi-Fi to the laptops.
IFC: ... Well, that sounds about right. What kind of cord is it.
Thinking: I'm not even sure anymore if the CS post is worth this torture! Kill me now!
Me: Ethernet. (I pronounce this with a long-e sound, like "ee-thur-net.")
IFC: Oh, that's definitely not it.
Me: What kind of cord do you think you need?
IFC: I don't think! I know! It's a... It looks like the phone cord, only fat.
Me: That would be Ethernet.
IFC: That's not what the other guy called it!
Me: It's also known as Cat-5, Cat-5e, Cat-6, Network Cable, and, sometimes, just internet wire.
IFC: No, the Local Internet Provider guy said something like... Ither...? Ithernet? (Pronounced "ith-her-net" so that the first syllable rhymed with "with.")
Me: Oh. That. Yes. This blue Linky box will work with that cable, too.
IFC: It's not cable.
Thinking: It's like an Abbott and Costello sketch gone horribly wrong.
Me: I know. (Hands her the router.) This is what you need.
IFC: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
IFC: You're sure.
Me: Definitely.
IFC: I don't know... Hang on. (She pulls out her cell phone and wanders into the appliances section to make a call. I helped a very patient customer find some RAM before she returned.) It's a router! I'm supposed to get a Linksys wireless router with a four-port switch on it. Ithernet.
Me: Ah, one of those! Sure, I have that. (I take another of the same router from the shelf and trade it to her for the one I'd given her previously. It's still the same product.) There you are.
IFC: Yes! That's it! Thank you!
That's it, folks! Three is the winning number. And off goes HawaiianShirts to the warehouse, trying to chase down his fleeing brain before it jumps into the trash compactor.
Infinite Loop Customer: Hi. Can you help me?
Me: Probably. What's up?
IFC: Well, I just got hooked up with Local Internet Provider with their high-speed stuff...?
Me: Okay. I know about them. Little dish-like receiver outside with a wire coming into your house somewhere, right?
IFC: Yes!
Me: What about it?
IFC: Oh! Uh. Well, I just signed up with them. With Local Internet Provider. And they're a high-speed internet thing...?
Me: ... And?
IFC: Oh! Well, they said I needed to come get something to hook up if I wanted to use all my computers.
Me: You need a router. How many computers?
IFC: No, not a router... It's, um... It's a box.
Me: Yeah. To split internet to multiple home computers. It's a router.
IFC: No, it's a box. A box with holes on it.
Thinking: Begin recording for Customers Suck posting.Me: Right. (Picks up nearest router, which happens to be a Netgear.) A box like this?
IFC: No... No, that can't be it. What is that?
Me: A wireless router.
IFC: No, it's not a router.
Me: Were they suggesting you get a switch or a hub instead?
IFC: No, it's a box. With holes. A box with the little cord hole things.
Me: Ethernet ports?
IFC: No. They said it would be blue.
Me: Sounds like they were recommending a Linksys product, then. Their boxes are blue.
IFC: No, no, I... (Spots the section of Networking with Linksys products, which has been right in front of her the whole time.) NO! That's it! The Linky one!
Me: Okay. So they want you to get a Linksys product.
IFC: No! The blue one!
Thinking of Hon'ya-chan, BookstoreEscapee, and others: It's always the blue one!Me: Okay. So they're recommending one of this company's products.
IFC: Yes.
Me: Good! Now, how many computers do you have?
IFC: Three. Two laptops and one regular...
Me: One desktop?
IFC: No, a real computer. The kind that goes on your desk. I'm glad you asked that because I have two laptops and the one real one, and I know they're different!
Me: To a point. So, three computers total. I'm assuming the... the "real" one is in the same room where Local Internet Provider's cable is coming in?
IFC: It's not cable. It's internet.
Me: Right, but the cord they installed is in the same room as the "real" computer?
IFC: Yes.
For those of you playing along at home, that's only the second time I've been correct in this whole interaction.Me: Are your laptops wireless?
IFC: Oh! Um... I bought them here.
Me: Okay. How long ago?
IFC: One was just a couple weeks ago.
Me: And the other one?
IFC: It's my daughter's.
Me: And how old is it?
IFC: Oh! I think it's an '06 model.
Me: So they both have wireless receivers built in.
IFC: No, I don't think so. They have Wi-Fi, though. We use them in the airport when we travel, and I think my daughter uses it at college.
Me: Got it. And about how big is your house?
IFC: Oh, I don't know. Not too big... It's not a tiny house, though!
Me: Well, if you're not sure about that, do you know about how far you want the Wi-Fi signal to go from the cord that Local Internet Provider put in?
IFC: No... Should I?
Me: It might help. Would you guess it to be farther than, say, about 100 feet in a straight line?
IFC: Oh, no! That's far too short! ... I think. How far is 100 feet?
Thinking: It's the gazebo woman from Rine's store! Or, at least, a very close relative.Me: Well, if it helps, this department is almost 100 feet long.
IFC: No, it's not!
Me: 88 feet, to be exact.
IFC: (Looks at me like I'm an idiot.)
Me: These shelving sections are four-feet each, and there are 22 of them from that emergency exit all the way over to those surge protectors.
IFC: (Same one-eyebrow-raised look of incredulity) Are you sure?
Me: Absolutely.
IFC: Well, then, let's just pretend my house is that long.
Me: Okay. That being the case, I think this Wireless G router would be your best bet.
IFC: But, I don't think I need a router! Do I?
Me: I'm pretty sure that's what Local Internet Provider was suggesting.
IFC: I don't know.
Me: Well, then, how about this? (I pick up the same router from the same spot on the shelf and put the other one back in it's place.) This is one of those blue Linky boxes with the cord holes on it. This will take your internet from the cord from Local Internet Provider and send it to all the computers in the house. It'll use a cord to the "real" computer and Wi-Fi to the laptops.
IFC: ... Well, that sounds about right. What kind of cord is it.
Thinking: I'm not even sure anymore if the CS post is worth this torture! Kill me now!Me: Ethernet. (I pronounce this with a long-e sound, like "ee-thur-net.")
IFC: Oh, that's definitely not it.
Me: What kind of cord do you think you need?
IFC: I don't think! I know! It's a... It looks like the phone cord, only fat.
Me: That would be Ethernet.
IFC: That's not what the other guy called it!
Me: It's also known as Cat-5, Cat-5e, Cat-6, Network Cable, and, sometimes, just internet wire.
IFC: No, the Local Internet Provider guy said something like... Ither...? Ithernet? (Pronounced "ith-her-net" so that the first syllable rhymed with "with.")
Me: Oh. That. Yes. This blue Linky box will work with that cable, too.
IFC: It's not cable.
Thinking: It's like an Abbott and Costello sketch gone horribly wrong.Me: I know. (Hands her the router.) This is what you need.
IFC: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
IFC: You're sure.
Me: Definitely.
IFC: I don't know... Hang on. (She pulls out her cell phone and wanders into the appliances section to make a call. I helped a very patient customer find some RAM before she returned.) It's a router! I'm supposed to get a Linksys wireless router with a four-port switch on it. Ithernet.
Me: Ah, one of those! Sure, I have that. (I take another of the same router from the shelf and trade it to her for the one I'd given her previously. It's still the same product.) There you are.
IFC: Yes! That's it! Thank you!
That's it, folks! Three is the winning number. And off goes HawaiianShirts to the warehouse, trying to chase down his fleeing brain before it jumps into the trash compactor.
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