I could have predicted this...I just came back from vacation again, so it was almost a certainty that karma would have stored up a shit storm for me to return to. This day has not disappointed me, thus far, especially since every bad thing has worked out in my favor in the end. And here...we...go.
This is unnecessary...
It's kinda cold outside today, but it's hot as all hell inside the hotel. I don't just mean "pretty warm" either. I mean hot enough that I am literally "sweating balls" if I leave my suit coat on. I have a large pile of about 400 heat-generated testicles piling up in the corner of my office, which I'm pretty sure is something that medical professionals would probably like to write a report about.
No dice. You damn people stay away from my ballpile.
The world is my toilet
I went walking outside to cool off for a bit, and ran into a couple of the police who work with us most weekends on Fridays and Saturdays, here to pick up their paychecks. We're talking outside when I notice the two "gentlemen" painting the side of my building with their piss.
Uncle Khiras is not amused.
Luckily, the two uniformed police officers with me are of a similar disposition, so when they yank both idiots aside mid-stream (oops, pee on your pants!) they surprised both of them quite effectively. There's two quick arrests for public urination and a minor vandalism charge (they were being asshats to my guys, which made them not subtract that from the ticket like they were going to). This was all before noon...I got in at 10am, so that's 2 arrests in 2 hours. The Broncos are also playing, so people are drinking.
This day is off to a bad start.
Hi...I'm with you today?
Not really a customer, just a whine on my part...I'm training an intern today. I found out about this when she walked into my office. No big deal, I just really wish someone had left me a note or something...
Think this through...
Ok folks, pop quiz time, we live in a day and age where every hotel carries lots of disclaimers and waivers (which you agree to when you sign your receipt at check in) that say "we are not responsible for lost and stolen items blah blah blah, use the safe or safe deposit boxes, it's secure." You've now brought a very expensive watch to the hotel, and you do one of the following:
A) Wear it, since it's a friggin' watch
B) Lock it in the safe
C) Leave it sitting out in the open
If you chose C, please don't stay at my hotel. I trust a lot of people here, but I'm not naive, there are people who are not 100% honest, given a chance to do a bad deed.
That said, let's all play another game, and figure out which type of SC this is, who just chose option C. Does she...
A) Calmly file a report, and hope for the best
B) Angrily file a report, and hope for my slow and painful death simply because she talked to me first
C) Calmly file a report, call me 8 times over 3 hours bitching about how I haven't found her watch, then call me a 9th time to bitchily tell me she found her watch, no thanks to me?
In case you've forgotten which website you're on, I suggest you take a look at the URL at the top of your screen if you have any trouble figuring out which option she chose.
If I have a chance, I would like to get someone to poop on her watch.
The Eagle has Landed
Yes folks, the eagle has landed. That is, if you replace the word "eagle" with the words "godawfully smelly hobo" and the word "landed" with the words "wandered into the restaurant, peed his pants, and puked on the carpet." Too bad my police buddies weren't here any more, I had to wait a few minutes for some others to come. Why does this crap always happen during my lunch break? At least this one kept his pants on.
For those keeping score, that is now 3 people who have peed their pants in the last 6 hours. It's like the hat trick of fucktardery.
Callsigns
Things got boring after that, and we started getting goofy, so we now all have callsigns. The names?
Deadmeat (mine), Goldfish, Playboy, Toodles, Dumple, and our base point is the Gopher Base (Go for base...yeah, lame I know).
I'll admit, it is fun to call in as Deadmeat...
Do you even read the things I write?
My e-mail, in short: We have a meeting coming up next week at 8am on this day, lots of important stuff, attendance is mandatory!
Response (not 10 minutes later, after I repeat it verbatim to the person replying in person about 2 minutes after I sent it): Do we have to be there?
No, he wasn't joking, and I die a little more inside.
Meeting hell
It must be a first week back...I looked at the schedule, and there are 4 meetings I have to go to this week, plus two more next week. However, the meetings don't start until AFTER I go back onto the graveyard shift (well ok, one's on my day off ><) so I have to wake up during the day for each one, sit there in a daze while pretending I'm awake, then go back home and sleep again.
I hate meeting-heavy weeks.
He tried to kill me with a forklift...
Here's to you, jackass contractor who nearly ran me over not once, not twice, but three times so far today with a forklift because he wasn't watching where he was going! Strike 3, goodbye...banned him from the property since he was a safety hazard. His boss wasn't happy with me until I showed him the video of all 3 problems (I'm vindictive like that), and now his boss is angrier with him.
As a bonus, I now have these two clips stuck in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeMHN2r0yqA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wErpaF1jvjU
Enjoy
And rest.
This is unnecessary...
It's kinda cold outside today, but it's hot as all hell inside the hotel. I don't just mean "pretty warm" either. I mean hot enough that I am literally "sweating balls" if I leave my suit coat on. I have a large pile of about 400 heat-generated testicles piling up in the corner of my office, which I'm pretty sure is something that medical professionals would probably like to write a report about.
No dice. You damn people stay away from my ballpile.
The world is my toilet
I went walking outside to cool off for a bit, and ran into a couple of the police who work with us most weekends on Fridays and Saturdays, here to pick up their paychecks. We're talking outside when I notice the two "gentlemen" painting the side of my building with their piss.
Uncle Khiras is not amused.
Luckily, the two uniformed police officers with me are of a similar disposition, so when they yank both idiots aside mid-stream (oops, pee on your pants!) they surprised both of them quite effectively. There's two quick arrests for public urination and a minor vandalism charge (they were being asshats to my guys, which made them not subtract that from the ticket like they were going to). This was all before noon...I got in at 10am, so that's 2 arrests in 2 hours. The Broncos are also playing, so people are drinking.
This day is off to a bad start.
Hi...I'm with you today?
Not really a customer, just a whine on my part...I'm training an intern today. I found out about this when she walked into my office. No big deal, I just really wish someone had left me a note or something...
Think this through...
Ok folks, pop quiz time, we live in a day and age where every hotel carries lots of disclaimers and waivers (which you agree to when you sign your receipt at check in) that say "we are not responsible for lost and stolen items blah blah blah, use the safe or safe deposit boxes, it's secure." You've now brought a very expensive watch to the hotel, and you do one of the following:
A) Wear it, since it's a friggin' watch
B) Lock it in the safe
C) Leave it sitting out in the open
If you chose C, please don't stay at my hotel. I trust a lot of people here, but I'm not naive, there are people who are not 100% honest, given a chance to do a bad deed.
That said, let's all play another game, and figure out which type of SC this is, who just chose option C. Does she...
A) Calmly file a report, and hope for the best
B) Angrily file a report, and hope for my slow and painful death simply because she talked to me first
C) Calmly file a report, call me 8 times over 3 hours bitching about how I haven't found her watch, then call me a 9th time to bitchily tell me she found her watch, no thanks to me?
In case you've forgotten which website you're on, I suggest you take a look at the URL at the top of your screen if you have any trouble figuring out which option she chose.
If I have a chance, I would like to get someone to poop on her watch.
The Eagle has Landed
Yes folks, the eagle has landed. That is, if you replace the word "eagle" with the words "godawfully smelly hobo" and the word "landed" with the words "wandered into the restaurant, peed his pants, and puked on the carpet." Too bad my police buddies weren't here any more, I had to wait a few minutes for some others to come. Why does this crap always happen during my lunch break? At least this one kept his pants on.
For those keeping score, that is now 3 people who have peed their pants in the last 6 hours. It's like the hat trick of fucktardery.
Callsigns
Things got boring after that, and we started getting goofy, so we now all have callsigns. The names?
Deadmeat (mine), Goldfish, Playboy, Toodles, Dumple, and our base point is the Gopher Base (Go for base...yeah, lame I know).
I'll admit, it is fun to call in as Deadmeat...
Do you even read the things I write?
My e-mail, in short: We have a meeting coming up next week at 8am on this day, lots of important stuff, attendance is mandatory!
Response (not 10 minutes later, after I repeat it verbatim to the person replying in person about 2 minutes after I sent it): Do we have to be there?
No, he wasn't joking, and I die a little more inside.
Meeting hell
It must be a first week back...I looked at the schedule, and there are 4 meetings I have to go to this week, plus two more next week. However, the meetings don't start until AFTER I go back onto the graveyard shift (well ok, one's on my day off ><) so I have to wake up during the day for each one, sit there in a daze while pretending I'm awake, then go back home and sleep again.
I hate meeting-heavy weeks.
He tried to kill me with a forklift...
Here's to you, jackass contractor who nearly ran me over not once, not twice, but three times so far today with a forklift because he wasn't watching where he was going! Strike 3, goodbye...banned him from the property since he was a safety hazard. His boss wasn't happy with me until I showed him the video of all 3 problems (I'm vindictive like that), and now his boss is angrier with him.
As a bonus, I now have these two clips stuck in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeMHN2r0yqA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wErpaF1jvjU
Enjoy

And rest.
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