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So I was battered for the first time. I really wish there was a better term. It sounds like I was dipped in beaten eggs and rolled in flour. Ah, the joys of working in prison.
Here's a little prison humor for you. A coworker of mine shared this gem with me. "You know what the difference is between a 'guard' and a Corrections Officer? A guard protects something valuable."
IM: Inmate
CW: Coworker
SGT: Sargent
LT: Lieutenant
SST: Special Security Team (the prison's version of SWAT)
ME: Now available in Original and Extra Crispy
I Think We May Have Found the Problem
IM: How do you know if you're getting an ear infection?
ME: Does your ear hurt?
IM: Kind of. I keep hittin myself in the head.
ME: Do you feel like there's any drainage in your ears?
IM: Nah. *slaps self in the side of the head*
ME: That... that probably isn't a good idea if you have an ear infection.
IM: *slaps self again*
ME: You should probably fill out a Sick Call slip so you can see the nurse tomorrow.
I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not even close to an effective treatment. I... I really don't have anything to say about this.
Thank You Captain Obvious
CW: Hey.
ME: Yeah?
CW: You see that inmate over there?
ME: Yeah?
CW: At the table to your left?
ME: Uh-huh.
CW: Sitting with the white guy?
ME: Yeah.
CW: He's queer.
Me: ...
The inmate in question goes by "Coco." She was sitting with her current boyfriend (we only house male inmates, so I'll let you figure the rest out). Now, we could probably get into a debate over whether she's "queer" or not (she hasn't had surgery or anything), but I think that it would be immediately apparent to anyone that this inmate probably doesn't conform to most socially-accepted norms. When we were relieved after that shift, I asked him if he was really serious when he said that. In his defense, he'd never seen her before, so I told him I'd let it slide and wouldn't torment him about it (too much).
And when I say "boyfriend," we don't allow kissing, intimate touching, sexual activity, and so forth. They don't hide the fact that they are an item, but they don't violate any rules or anything, so there's no need to put them in different cellhouses.
Why Do They Make It So Easy?
IM: Hey, CO, I want to know why I was moved to a different cell.
ME: I don't know. The Unit Managers are the ones who make the house rosters and decide when to move you guys, so you'd have to ask them.
IM: I just want to know why no one else got moved but me.
ME: Again, I have no idea.
IM: I didn't do nothin wrong.
Oh, how they tempt me. I really had to bite my tongue. Granted, I don't have to be all nice anymore, but I can't outright insult them without good reason. Take a look around, dude. This ain't the Four Seasons you're staying in. You might want to elaborate on that statement.
What's Up, Doc?
IM: Why do they give us so many goddamned carrots?
ME: *shrug* They're good for you.
IM: I'm tired of carrots. Every single damn day.
ME: Just think, you'll have perfect eyesight when you get out.
IM: Somebody needs to do something about this.
Again, where in the bleeding blue hell do you think you are? You do understand that the State is only required to give you enough food to keep you alive long enough to fulfill your sentence. Also, the money that is appropriated by the State to meet your basic needs is provided by the taxpayers. And they don't like you very much. Carrots are cheap. And beans. You'll learn to love them.
Required Reading
*We were taking the book cart around for the Segregation inmates.*
IM: What's that one?
CW: It's a collection of short stories.
IM: I think I read that one already.
CW: Here's another one. It's got uh... (titles I don't recall), and "Death Penalty."
ME: Ooh, give him that one.
All the books we have are donated by libraries, but you just know that book wasn't put there by mere chance.
Nice Shot, Aquaman
When our intake inmates get into trouble (or pose some sort of security risk from the start), they go to Segregation cells just like regular inmates. However, they are housed in one of the intake houses, in one of the 30 or so Seg cells (main difference being that the doors have solid panels instead of the "mesh" like the other cells - that is, several round holes all through them about the width of a pencil. Also, that they have a small locked door on the food pass, which is a rectangular slot for handing things in and out of the cell. Non-Seg cells just have the slot open at all times, it doesn't have a door). Now, for some stupid reason, they've been housing a few of the Seg inmates behind the "open" doors. The stupidity of this should be immediately apparent, but that's where the cellhouse managers want them, so there they are. There hadn't been any problems, until a couple of days ago.
As soon as we assumed our post, my SGT and I were being yelled at by 2 guys in the open-door Seg cells. We ignored them, but they only got louder. They were trying to upset me, but I don't let them get to me. They would alternate between calling us bitches to things like "Miss Thang," and "Sexy." Finally, my SGT told them that they will talk to us with respect and we will do the same for them. The problem was that these two were feeding off each other, making it impossible for them to just sit down and shut up. They thought they were too damn funny and clever to keep quiet, so they just kept going. It was obvious that these two shouldn't be housed side-by-side.
SGT: Do you have cuffs?
ME: Yeah.
SGT: Okay, we're going to move them away from each other.
ME: Good, because they shouldn't even be in those cells to begin with.
We went to one of the doors and I pulled out my cuffs. To make a loooong (3 hours' worth) story short, the guy refused to cuff up. He said he wouldn't be moved without a fight, that he was going to kick anyone's ass that came in his cell. SST was called in, and he also refused to cuff up for them. They called the Captain's Office for authorization to mace his ass, but the Captain said she'd send the Lt down to talk to him so they could resolve it without force. SST was disappointed (they had their cans out and their thumbs on the buttons), and they left.
This was a bad move. The inmate began bragging to everyone that even the "blacksuits" were afraid of him and knew better than to try to f*** with him. He went on and on about how no one could handle him and how he'd tear heads off and all kinds of crap. Our Lt came down and calmly told him that he was going to move if he wanted to or not. He said to just sit down and be quiet and he could stay where he was, but that if he wanted to be a knucklehead, then we'd put a team together and move in on him.
Of course, not 10 minutes after the Lt left, he started in again. Now that he was good and full of himself, he started to make threats. He was going to kick our asses. He started yelling that he had a shank and would stab every one of us. Blah blah blah. We resumed ignoring him, so he yelled that he was going to kick off his sprinkler head.
I perked up at this. When an inmate kicks off their sprinkler head, things get fun. See, there's a 40-second delay before the sprinkler goes off, plenty of time for the Control Operator to hit the "Sprinkler Abort" button. But the inmate now has a weapon and we don't know where it is. So it's an automatic use of chemical agents before moving in on him.
ME: You heard that, right?
SGT: Yeah. I'm going to run to the restroom real quick. As soon as he kicks off his sprinkler head, call the Condition.
ME: Right.
As soon as she left, I looked to the inmate's cell. He was standing on his desk, fiddling with the sprinkler head. I heard him say "CO" and was looking at me. I thought he was talking to me, so I went to his door. Turns out, he told his neighbor "The CO is watching me."
ME: Yeah?
IM: I wasn't talking to you.
ME: Okay.
IM: I'm working on something.
ME: What are you working on?
IM: Nothing. Get away from my door.
ME: I really wouldn't recommend doing what you are planning to do.
I took one step away from his door.
IM: Get away from my door, bitch!
I then stepped right in front of it. It was well past the time to teach Billy Badass a lesson.
ME: What did you say?
IM: Get away from my door!
ME: Or what?
At this point, he jumped down to the floor and approached the door. I tensed up, because I knew he was going to reach through the open food pass to try to do something to me. I wanted him to. Because even the smallest, lightest officer we have out there can break an inmate's arm by smashing down on it when it's extended through the food pass. Instead, he reached for his sink, grabbed a styrofoam cup of water, and splashed it through the mesh screen, hitting me in the face and chest.
IM: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOOR!
ME: ...
IM: ...
ME: That's it? That's the best you could do?
IM: ...
ME *grabs radio off belt*: [Radio #] to Control, I have a Condition 30 in [CELLHOUSE], inmate being combative.
Response team came in, and he went back to making threats and refusing to cuff up. SST came back, this time carrying a Party Ball (Mace canister with a fogger nozzle, capable of filling a cell with chemical in 2-3 seconds). Then the Lt radioed that he was on his way down and to stand by. He was super-pissed, and the inmate was about to meet the true Lt, not the fake, nice, calm one that talked to him before.
When he saw the sheer rage on the Lt's face, he cuffed up. They opened his door, SST slammed him against the wall and cut off his clothes. They were going to put him in an observation cell, which has a window on one wall for the Control Operator to keep an eye on him.
IM: I-I'm going to kick out that window and crawl into the control room!
LT: Oh yeah? Then I've got a better idea. Get this piece of shit out of my face.
SST took him into one of the shower stalls and pressed him against the wall as the Lt left the house. He was in there for about 5 minutes, trembling the whole time. Finally, the Lt radioed for them to take him to one of the Long-Term Segregation houses, where the real psychos live. He was put in a Limited Contact cell, which has its own shower inside. It's 24 hour a day lockdown. And only a SGT or higher is allowed to talk to them. It is "the hole," that you always see in movies.
So yeah, that was it. Fortunately, I can't be killed by a cup of water, because I'm not some sort of...... I can't think of any living creature that can be destroyed this way, come to think of it. I don't really know what he was expecting, but I do know that the reason he threw the water through the upper part of the door rather than putting his hand out of the food pass is the same reason he cuffed up in the end: Because he is a little bitch.
Bonus
The Captain's Office ordered that the remaining Seg inmates that weren't in appropriate cells be moved. SST came down to cuff them up and move them. They aren't as delicate with cuffing as we are. They cuffed the first guy (the one that Aquaman had been buddies with), went into his cell, and started to put him face-first against the wall. He tried to turn and face them.
IM: Get off me, you nazi bastard!
SST *slams him against the wall*: Make me.
ME:
Here's a little prison humor for you. A coworker of mine shared this gem with me. "You know what the difference is between a 'guard' and a Corrections Officer? A guard protects something valuable."
IM: Inmate
CW: Coworker
SGT: Sargent
LT: Lieutenant
SST: Special Security Team (the prison's version of SWAT)
ME: Now available in Original and Extra Crispy
I Think We May Have Found the Problem
IM: How do you know if you're getting an ear infection?
ME: Does your ear hurt?
IM: Kind of. I keep hittin myself in the head.
ME: Do you feel like there's any drainage in your ears?
IM: Nah. *slaps self in the side of the head*
ME: That... that probably isn't a good idea if you have an ear infection.
IM: *slaps self again*
ME: You should probably fill out a Sick Call slip so you can see the nurse tomorrow.
I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not even close to an effective treatment. I... I really don't have anything to say about this.
Thank You Captain Obvious
CW: Hey.
ME: Yeah?
CW: You see that inmate over there?
ME: Yeah?
CW: At the table to your left?
ME: Uh-huh.
CW: Sitting with the white guy?
ME: Yeah.
CW: He's queer.
Me: ...
The inmate in question goes by "Coco." She was sitting with her current boyfriend (we only house male inmates, so I'll let you figure the rest out). Now, we could probably get into a debate over whether she's "queer" or not (she hasn't had surgery or anything), but I think that it would be immediately apparent to anyone that this inmate probably doesn't conform to most socially-accepted norms. When we were relieved after that shift, I asked him if he was really serious when he said that. In his defense, he'd never seen her before, so I told him I'd let it slide and wouldn't torment him about it (too much).
And when I say "boyfriend," we don't allow kissing, intimate touching, sexual activity, and so forth. They don't hide the fact that they are an item, but they don't violate any rules or anything, so there's no need to put them in different cellhouses.
Why Do They Make It So Easy?
IM: Hey, CO, I want to know why I was moved to a different cell.
ME: I don't know. The Unit Managers are the ones who make the house rosters and decide when to move you guys, so you'd have to ask them.
IM: I just want to know why no one else got moved but me.
ME: Again, I have no idea.
IM: I didn't do nothin wrong.
Oh, how they tempt me. I really had to bite my tongue. Granted, I don't have to be all nice anymore, but I can't outright insult them without good reason. Take a look around, dude. This ain't the Four Seasons you're staying in. You might want to elaborate on that statement.
What's Up, Doc?
IM: Why do they give us so many goddamned carrots?
ME: *shrug* They're good for you.
IM: I'm tired of carrots. Every single damn day.
ME: Just think, you'll have perfect eyesight when you get out.
IM: Somebody needs to do something about this.
Again, where in the bleeding blue hell do you think you are? You do understand that the State is only required to give you enough food to keep you alive long enough to fulfill your sentence. Also, the money that is appropriated by the State to meet your basic needs is provided by the taxpayers. And they don't like you very much. Carrots are cheap. And beans. You'll learn to love them.
Required Reading
*We were taking the book cart around for the Segregation inmates.*
IM: What's that one?
CW: It's a collection of short stories.
IM: I think I read that one already.
CW: Here's another one. It's got uh... (titles I don't recall), and "Death Penalty."
ME: Ooh, give him that one.
All the books we have are donated by libraries, but you just know that book wasn't put there by mere chance.
Nice Shot, Aquaman
When our intake inmates get into trouble (or pose some sort of security risk from the start), they go to Segregation cells just like regular inmates. However, they are housed in one of the intake houses, in one of the 30 or so Seg cells (main difference being that the doors have solid panels instead of the "mesh" like the other cells - that is, several round holes all through them about the width of a pencil. Also, that they have a small locked door on the food pass, which is a rectangular slot for handing things in and out of the cell. Non-Seg cells just have the slot open at all times, it doesn't have a door). Now, for some stupid reason, they've been housing a few of the Seg inmates behind the "open" doors. The stupidity of this should be immediately apparent, but that's where the cellhouse managers want them, so there they are. There hadn't been any problems, until a couple of days ago.
As soon as we assumed our post, my SGT and I were being yelled at by 2 guys in the open-door Seg cells. We ignored them, but they only got louder. They were trying to upset me, but I don't let them get to me. They would alternate between calling us bitches to things like "Miss Thang," and "Sexy." Finally, my SGT told them that they will talk to us with respect and we will do the same for them. The problem was that these two were feeding off each other, making it impossible for them to just sit down and shut up. They thought they were too damn funny and clever to keep quiet, so they just kept going. It was obvious that these two shouldn't be housed side-by-side.
SGT: Do you have cuffs?
ME: Yeah.
SGT: Okay, we're going to move them away from each other.
ME: Good, because they shouldn't even be in those cells to begin with.
We went to one of the doors and I pulled out my cuffs. To make a loooong (3 hours' worth) story short, the guy refused to cuff up. He said he wouldn't be moved without a fight, that he was going to kick anyone's ass that came in his cell. SST was called in, and he also refused to cuff up for them. They called the Captain's Office for authorization to mace his ass, but the Captain said she'd send the Lt down to talk to him so they could resolve it without force. SST was disappointed (they had their cans out and their thumbs on the buttons), and they left.
This was a bad move. The inmate began bragging to everyone that even the "blacksuits" were afraid of him and knew better than to try to f*** with him. He went on and on about how no one could handle him and how he'd tear heads off and all kinds of crap. Our Lt came down and calmly told him that he was going to move if he wanted to or not. He said to just sit down and be quiet and he could stay where he was, but that if he wanted to be a knucklehead, then we'd put a team together and move in on him.
Of course, not 10 minutes after the Lt left, he started in again. Now that he was good and full of himself, he started to make threats. He was going to kick our asses. He started yelling that he had a shank and would stab every one of us. Blah blah blah. We resumed ignoring him, so he yelled that he was going to kick off his sprinkler head.
I perked up at this. When an inmate kicks off their sprinkler head, things get fun. See, there's a 40-second delay before the sprinkler goes off, plenty of time for the Control Operator to hit the "Sprinkler Abort" button. But the inmate now has a weapon and we don't know where it is. So it's an automatic use of chemical agents before moving in on him.
ME: You heard that, right?
SGT: Yeah. I'm going to run to the restroom real quick. As soon as he kicks off his sprinkler head, call the Condition.
ME: Right.
As soon as she left, I looked to the inmate's cell. He was standing on his desk, fiddling with the sprinkler head. I heard him say "CO" and was looking at me. I thought he was talking to me, so I went to his door. Turns out, he told his neighbor "The CO is watching me."
ME: Yeah?
IM: I wasn't talking to you.
ME: Okay.
IM: I'm working on something.
ME: What are you working on?
IM: Nothing. Get away from my door.
ME: I really wouldn't recommend doing what you are planning to do.
I took one step away from his door.
IM: Get away from my door, bitch!
I then stepped right in front of it. It was well past the time to teach Billy Badass a lesson.
ME: What did you say?
IM: Get away from my door!
ME: Or what?
At this point, he jumped down to the floor and approached the door. I tensed up, because I knew he was going to reach through the open food pass to try to do something to me. I wanted him to. Because even the smallest, lightest officer we have out there can break an inmate's arm by smashing down on it when it's extended through the food pass. Instead, he reached for his sink, grabbed a styrofoam cup of water, and splashed it through the mesh screen, hitting me in the face and chest.
IM: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOOR!
ME: ...
IM: ...
ME: That's it? That's the best you could do?
IM: ...
ME *grabs radio off belt*: [Radio #] to Control, I have a Condition 30 in [CELLHOUSE], inmate being combative.
Response team came in, and he went back to making threats and refusing to cuff up. SST came back, this time carrying a Party Ball (Mace canister with a fogger nozzle, capable of filling a cell with chemical in 2-3 seconds). Then the Lt radioed that he was on his way down and to stand by. He was super-pissed, and the inmate was about to meet the true Lt, not the fake, nice, calm one that talked to him before.
When he saw the sheer rage on the Lt's face, he cuffed up. They opened his door, SST slammed him against the wall and cut off his clothes. They were going to put him in an observation cell, which has a window on one wall for the Control Operator to keep an eye on him.
IM: I-I'm going to kick out that window and crawl into the control room!
LT: Oh yeah? Then I've got a better idea. Get this piece of shit out of my face.
SST took him into one of the shower stalls and pressed him against the wall as the Lt left the house. He was in there for about 5 minutes, trembling the whole time. Finally, the Lt radioed for them to take him to one of the Long-Term Segregation houses, where the real psychos live. He was put in a Limited Contact cell, which has its own shower inside. It's 24 hour a day lockdown. And only a SGT or higher is allowed to talk to them. It is "the hole," that you always see in movies.
So yeah, that was it. Fortunately, I can't be killed by a cup of water, because I'm not some sort of...... I can't think of any living creature that can be destroyed this way, come to think of it. I don't really know what he was expecting, but I do know that the reason he threw the water through the upper part of the door rather than putting his hand out of the food pass is the same reason he cuffed up in the end: Because he is a little bitch.
Bonus
The Captain's Office ordered that the remaining Seg inmates that weren't in appropriate cells be moved. SST came down to cuff them up and move them. They aren't as delicate with cuffing as we are. They cuffed the first guy (the one that Aquaman had been buddies with), went into his cell, and started to put him face-first against the wall. He tried to turn and face them.
IM: Get off me, you nazi bastard!
SST *slams him against the wall*: Make me.
ME:
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