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I can't help it...I'm just in a quirky mood tonight, and I was too busy to post my weekly update yesterday 
So, here we go.
Drunks
Me: Can I help you?
SC: Where can we get more alcohol man?
Me: Sorry boys, bars have to close at 2am...state law.
SC: What if we pay you a little extra on the side?
Me: Then you'd pay me, and the bars would still be closed...state law.
SC: $100?
Me: Sorry, nope.
SC: $200?
Me: Not gonna happen.
SC: $300?
Me: Answer's still no.
SC: $400?
Me: Still illegal.
SC: $500?
Me: Not a chance.
SC: Ok, $600...all the cash I've got.
Me: Still no alcohol after 2am...but I'd take the tip if you're still offering, since I'm such a great guy!
SC: Aww man...
I almost thought it would work, but the neurons sparked feebly one more time, and the guy realized that this constituted "a shitty deal" for him.
I'm Stuck
SC: I want to know what you're going to do for me!
Me: ....Sir? Maybe you can tell me what's happening and I can try to help.
SC: I've been stuck in an elevator for the last hour and no one's come to help me!
Me: Did you press the Call For Help button inside?
SC: NO! The elevator kept moving and opening, but it wouldn't go to my floor!
Me: ...................................Sir, did you swipe your room key in the key slot? There are several signs inside that point to it?
SC: No, everyone else did though. Why should I have to do it too!?
Me: It's for Security reasons sir...so no one has to worry about someone dangerous being on their floor.
SC: Who could be that dangerous!?
Judging from the screaming coming from in between my ears, on an intellectual level, you are clearly "that dangerous." The fact that this discussion continued for 15 minutes of me paraphrasing the words "I'm sorry that you're too stupid to notice the 3 posted signs in the elevator" hurt me in a physical sense as well. I hope you die.
Drunk
Me: Sir, you can't sleep here in the lobby.
SC: ..............
Me: Sir, I need you to wake up.
SC: ..............
Me: Sir, you need to wake up now...you cannot be sleeping here.
SC: .....the hell!? You better call me "sir" when you address me, boy.
Me: If you have a room here, you need to go there now. If not, it's time to leave.
What is it about drunken instructions that makes me do the opposite? I'm weird like that.
Hypothetically, you're fucking weird
Me: Thanks for holding, this is Khiras the MOD, how can I help you?
SC: I have a question for you, and it has nothing to do with your hotel.
Then why the fuck are you calling me?
Me: Ok, I can try to help... Why the fuck did I say that!?
SC: Say that you have a daughter, and she meets this guy, and kind-of has like...a fling? Yeah, a fling with him...
Me: .............
SC: ...and this guy is basically like, a billionaire, right?
Me: ......uhm.....
SC: And so you, since it's your daughter, set up a hotel room and things like a spa day and stuff like that for them, and hypothetically let's say this comes out to $3387 total.
Me: ....Er, ma'am...
SC: But then the rich guy decides he's not going to pay for it...would I be liable for all of this?
What...the...hell?
Me: Ma'am...I'm a hotel manager, I can't give you information on legal matters.
SC: No, I know that! Then why the shit did you call me, again!? I'm just wondering what you think would be the case, like, do you think I should be liable for that?
Me: ......Ma'am, you need to discuss any legal matter with an attorney if you have questions, I cannot give you any information about something like this.
SC: Not even off the record.
Me: Definitely NOT!
SC: Oh...ok...well, thanks!
Me: Uh huh...well, bye then!
What in the blue hell just happened? I'm so confused.
Oh, and yes, "your daughter" who is probably really you is liable for the $3387. Someone has to pay. By the way, that's a felony if you don't, have fun, stop knocking boots with a sugar daddy and spending exhorbitant amounts until you know he'll pay. Dumbass.
Drunk
SC: Hey man, off the record, where might I get some...you know...special service escorts?
Me: *sigh* Are you asking me where you can find a prostitute?
SC: .............................yeah.
Me: No. Just no. It's not going to happen, the staff will not provide this, and it's illegal. As an added piece of information, if we see them coming in here, we will stop them from entering...and we're always watching. So no, I can not help you find a "special" escort.
SC: How about if I toss you a $10 bill?
Me: Then I'd say you're underbidding, the last person who tried to bribe me got to $600 before giving up when I said no. Is there anything else?
They left after that...it's too bad, if I had worked my way up to $10,000,000 or so, I might've taken the bribe.
Noise
Me: Sorry to disturb your party folks, unfortunately we are getting some complaints of noise...at 3am, it's a bit late to have a party going on up here.
SC: FUCK YOU, WE AIN'T BEING NOISY AT ALL, BITCH!
Oh ho ho, swing and a miss.
(Side note...2 neighbors have just opened their doors and are now glaring at SC while I'm talking)
Me: Unfortunately, you've guessed wrong. We were going to be nice and give you all a chance to calm the noise down, but screaming at me or my staff is exactly the wrong thing to do.
SC: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, FUCKER!?
Me: This: Everyone who's not currently registered to this room is leaving the hotel, now. You can try to have them stay if you want, but option B is that the police come up here to remove them. If I have to bring them in, you are leaving the hotel with them. You can make your decision now.
SC: YOU AIN'T KICKING ME OUT OF SHIT, FAGGOT!
Me: That's your final answer?
SC: YOU DAMN RIGHT IT IS YOU PUSSY!
Me: *shrug* Ok, we'll be back momentarily.
SC slams the door in my face, I spend some time apologizing to the neighbors and explaining that we'll have their room evicted once the police arrive, and they are all happy (it's funny, no one ever complains after I kick someone out...mostly because they realize I'm on their side for once). 10 minutes later, the music is off, the party is over, 9 people including the SC are in cuffs for underage drinking, disorderly conduct, and SC is also charged with assault on a police officer for spitting in someone's face.
Point of reference: that last part's a bad idea.
The next morning, I run into 2 of the neighbors as they check out, and apologize again for the noise...and get this, both of them are not only cheerful and thankful, they both also left me nice notes for the GM of the hotel.
There are some people that restore my extremely tenuous hope for humanity after all...
Drunk
SC: Hey man, where can I get alcohol after 2am?
Me: Nowhere in Denver...we can't sell it after 2.
SC: Come on man, be cool.
Me: I am. Any other question?
SC: Just get me some alcohol man.
Me: Nope.
SC: Please?
Me: Nope.
SC: Pretty please?
Me: Nope.
SC: How about I beat it out of you?
Me: *I look behind me, and note 5 co-workers* ...Right.
He seemed to get the point.
Hi!
Me: Good morning, <hotel>, Khiras here. How can I help you?
SC: HI!
Me: .......Uhm...hello, good morning. How can I help you?
SC: I'm good, thanks!
Me: Uh...ok ma'am, so there's nothing I can help you with?
SC: I wasn't talking to you, jackass.
Oh, good, I was worried. For a second there I thought you might just be a semi-decent, but weird, member of the human race. I'm glad to see that you are, in fact, just a bitch who can't call someone and actually cut off another conversation at the same time.
Really!?
SC: Hi, I was wondering if you know any banks that are open right now.
Me: Sir, it's 3am...there are no banks that stay open after regular business hours, about 6pm is the latest they stay open.
SC: Oh...so if I need a bank, I have to wait for 6pm?
Yes, you have to wait for 6pm you goddamned mental wasteland. I really hope that this is your prescribed course of action, mainly because it will be amusing when the daily news reports the escaped zoo animal at the bank. I wonder if the video cameras will accurately capture the sound of your crooning mating call as you try for several hours with no success to sing the love song that will unlock the doors and magically make the tellers return to work to process whatever you needed done, but couldn't be troubled to do at a reasonable time of day. That will be fucking stupendous.
Because it's cold!
Me: Dude...we can't use the hoses to spray water on the front drive to clean it tonight.
CW: Why not? We're supposed to clean it!
Me: It's 28º out right now...water freezes. If we spray down the front drive, we're going to have a giant sheet of ice later on, and it gets no sun...it's going to take bag after bag of salt just to fix it.
CW: But the boss wanted it washed off tonight.
Me: If he has a problem with it, tell him to talk to me...either way, do not spray down the drive.
I come back 5 minutes later, and the drive is now freezing into a giant sheet of ice. Why? CW was happily spraying it down anyway.
Me: Dude...what are you doing!?
CW: Spraying down the drive!
Me: Did we not just have a discussion 5 minutes ago where the last thing I told you was "do not spray down the drive"?
CW: Well...I thought if I didn't leave any puddles...
Me: No. Stop. Turn off the water, disconnect the hose, and do not spray down the drive!!!
*Le sigh*
Why not?
A guy wants access to a room. He's not registered, he has nothing in the room, and the person inside is a lone female who we've seen throughout the night, and has been HAMMERED drunk all night. She had to be helped to her room earlier, and she is undoubtedly passed out. Then guy shows up...he says he's her boyfriend.
SC: Why won't you let me in the room?
Me: One, you're not registered to the room. Two, we had to help her to her room earlier, as she was unable to stand. Three, she is a woman who is alone in a room, and she must give permission to let you in. Four, she is alone, and I'm not going to simply open her room for any guy who claims to know her. Five, no.
SC: So you're not going to help me?
Me: If she calls us and tells us to let you in, sure. Until then, it's our responsibility to keep her safe.
He probably really was her boyfriend, but I don't care. I'm not going to let him in there and then find out later that I contributed to a rape.
It's an emergency!
Me: Hotel emergency line, what's your emergency?
SC: I have a problem.
Me: Do you need emergency assistance sir?
SC: Well, why isn't room service open?
Me: Sir, this line is for emergencies only, if you do not have an emergency, I must disconnect this line.
SC: I have an emergency!
Me: What is your emergency?
SC: I need food!
Me: Sir, I am ending this call, you will need to contact the front desk for food options.
This is exactly the type of idiot who calls 911 to ask for the bus schedule. Seriously, where is that whole rapture thing I keep hearing about from religious people? Doesn't that involve the wholesale slaughter of most of humanity? Let's get to work on that.
Drunk
SC: Hey there, big man.
Me: Good evening, sir.
SC: Hey, where can a guy go for some fun around here?
Me: What type of fun, sir?
SC: I just want to get laid.
Me: I don't know that I can help you with that...
SC: Can you just come up to my room with me?
Me: Let's see...too drunk to stand? Check. Beer gut? Check. Beer gut on his beer gut? Double check. Breath smells of rotting meat and disgusting? Check. Sorry sir, you're not my type.
SC: How do you know? Maybe I'm a great kisser...give me a kiss!
Me: Sir, we're going to stop there. Do not pass go, and do not attempt anything inappropriate with my staff or with me...are we clear?
SC: Oh, crystal, hot stuff.
Hot stuff...great...I usually feel flattered when someone hits on me at my job. That said...now I just feel violated. It would be hard for this guy to be dirtier than he was, and not because he was a guy. It's because he was nasty ><
My name is Hobo. H-O-B-O Hooooboooo.
In an epic staring match, I noticed a hobo who we've kicked off property a few times is standing across from our parking garage entrance, staring at it. He's clearly looking for an opening to walk over and find a corner to hole up in, and I'm in a quirky mood, so I grab my coat, gloves, and hat, and go stand outside. It's 36º at the time, and I'm very warm in all my stuff...and I proceed to stand at the garage entrance and just look right at him.
He looks at me.
I look at him.
He looks at me.
I look at him.
And he looks at meeee!
Er sorry, got a Weird Al song in my head there *cough*. Anyway, this goes on for about an hour, and he starts off just standing. As time goes on, his arms slowly curl in until finally he's hugging himself and shivering. He finally just screams "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP THERE ANYWAY!!!" He then storms off in the direction of the homeless shelter that's 2 minutes away.
Why didn't he go there first? Simple, they make you empty your pockets and take away any drugs/alcohol if you go there, and he's a heavy user.
That's about all for my weekly wrap-up, hope you enjoy my suffering Better week than most though...
So, here we go.Drunks
Me: Can I help you?
SC: Where can we get more alcohol man?
Me: Sorry boys, bars have to close at 2am...state law.
SC: What if we pay you a little extra on the side?
Me: Then you'd pay me, and the bars would still be closed...state law.
SC: $100?
Me: Sorry, nope.
SC: $200?
Me: Not gonna happen.
SC: $300?
Me: Answer's still no.
SC: $400?
Me: Still illegal.
SC: $500?
Me: Not a chance.
SC: Ok, $600...all the cash I've got.
Me: Still no alcohol after 2am...but I'd take the tip if you're still offering, since I'm such a great guy!
SC: Aww man...
I almost thought it would work, but the neurons sparked feebly one more time, and the guy realized that this constituted "a shitty deal" for him.
I'm Stuck
SC: I want to know what you're going to do for me!
Me: ....Sir? Maybe you can tell me what's happening and I can try to help.
SC: I've been stuck in an elevator for the last hour and no one's come to help me!
Me: Did you press the Call For Help button inside?
SC: NO! The elevator kept moving and opening, but it wouldn't go to my floor!
Me: ...................................Sir, did you swipe your room key in the key slot? There are several signs inside that point to it?
SC: No, everyone else did though. Why should I have to do it too!?
Me: It's for Security reasons sir...so no one has to worry about someone dangerous being on their floor.
SC: Who could be that dangerous!?
Judging from the screaming coming from in between my ears, on an intellectual level, you are clearly "that dangerous." The fact that this discussion continued for 15 minutes of me paraphrasing the words "I'm sorry that you're too stupid to notice the 3 posted signs in the elevator" hurt me in a physical sense as well. I hope you die.
Drunk
Me: Sir, you can't sleep here in the lobby.
SC: ..............
Me: Sir, I need you to wake up.
SC: ..............
Me: Sir, you need to wake up now...you cannot be sleeping here.
SC: .....the hell!? You better call me "sir" when you address me, boy.
Me: If you have a room here, you need to go there now. If not, it's time to leave.
What is it about drunken instructions that makes me do the opposite? I'm weird like that.
Hypothetically, you're fucking weird
Me: Thanks for holding, this is Khiras the MOD, how can I help you?
SC: I have a question for you, and it has nothing to do with your hotel.
Then why the fuck are you calling me?
Me: Ok, I can try to help... Why the fuck did I say that!?
SC: Say that you have a daughter, and she meets this guy, and kind-of has like...a fling? Yeah, a fling with him...
Me: .............
SC: ...and this guy is basically like, a billionaire, right?
Me: ......uhm.....
SC: And so you, since it's your daughter, set up a hotel room and things like a spa day and stuff like that for them, and hypothetically let's say this comes out to $3387 total.
Me: ....Er, ma'am...
SC: But then the rich guy decides he's not going to pay for it...would I be liable for all of this?
What...the...hell?
Me: Ma'am...I'm a hotel manager, I can't give you information on legal matters.
SC: No, I know that! Then why the shit did you call me, again!? I'm just wondering what you think would be the case, like, do you think I should be liable for that?
Me: ......Ma'am, you need to discuss any legal matter with an attorney if you have questions, I cannot give you any information about something like this.
SC: Not even off the record.
Me: Definitely NOT!
SC: Oh...ok...well, thanks!
Me: Uh huh...well, bye then!
What in the blue hell just happened? I'm so confused.
Oh, and yes, "your daughter" who is probably really you is liable for the $3387. Someone has to pay. By the way, that's a felony if you don't, have fun, stop knocking boots with a sugar daddy and spending exhorbitant amounts until you know he'll pay. Dumbass.
Drunk
SC: Hey man, off the record, where might I get some...you know...special service escorts?
Me: *sigh* Are you asking me where you can find a prostitute?
SC: .............................yeah.
Me: No. Just no. It's not going to happen, the staff will not provide this, and it's illegal. As an added piece of information, if we see them coming in here, we will stop them from entering...and we're always watching. So no, I can not help you find a "special" escort.
SC: How about if I toss you a $10 bill?
Me: Then I'd say you're underbidding, the last person who tried to bribe me got to $600 before giving up when I said no. Is there anything else?
They left after that...it's too bad, if I had worked my way up to $10,000,000 or so, I might've taken the bribe.
Noise
Me: Sorry to disturb your party folks, unfortunately we are getting some complaints of noise...at 3am, it's a bit late to have a party going on up here.
SC: FUCK YOU, WE AIN'T BEING NOISY AT ALL, BITCH!
Oh ho ho, swing and a miss.
(Side note...2 neighbors have just opened their doors and are now glaring at SC while I'm talking)
Me: Unfortunately, you've guessed wrong. We were going to be nice and give you all a chance to calm the noise down, but screaming at me or my staff is exactly the wrong thing to do.
SC: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, FUCKER!?
Me: This: Everyone who's not currently registered to this room is leaving the hotel, now. You can try to have them stay if you want, but option B is that the police come up here to remove them. If I have to bring them in, you are leaving the hotel with them. You can make your decision now.
SC: YOU AIN'T KICKING ME OUT OF SHIT, FAGGOT!
Me: That's your final answer?
SC: YOU DAMN RIGHT IT IS YOU PUSSY!
Me: *shrug* Ok, we'll be back momentarily.
SC slams the door in my face, I spend some time apologizing to the neighbors and explaining that we'll have their room evicted once the police arrive, and they are all happy (it's funny, no one ever complains after I kick someone out...mostly because they realize I'm on their side for once). 10 minutes later, the music is off, the party is over, 9 people including the SC are in cuffs for underage drinking, disorderly conduct, and SC is also charged with assault on a police officer for spitting in someone's face.
Point of reference: that last part's a bad idea.
The next morning, I run into 2 of the neighbors as they check out, and apologize again for the noise...and get this, both of them are not only cheerful and thankful, they both also left me nice notes for the GM of the hotel.
There are some people that restore my extremely tenuous hope for humanity after all...Drunk
SC: Hey man, where can I get alcohol after 2am?
Me: Nowhere in Denver...we can't sell it after 2.
SC: Come on man, be cool.
Me: I am. Any other question?
SC: Just get me some alcohol man.
Me: Nope.
SC: Please?
Me: Nope.
SC: Pretty please?
Me: Nope.
SC: How about I beat it out of you?
Me: *I look behind me, and note 5 co-workers* ...Right.
He seemed to get the point.
Hi!
Me: Good morning, <hotel>, Khiras here. How can I help you?
SC: HI!
Me: .......Uhm...hello, good morning. How can I help you?
SC: I'm good, thanks!
Me: Uh...ok ma'am, so there's nothing I can help you with?
SC: I wasn't talking to you, jackass.
Oh, good, I was worried. For a second there I thought you might just be a semi-decent, but weird, member of the human race. I'm glad to see that you are, in fact, just a bitch who can't call someone and actually cut off another conversation at the same time.
Really!?
SC: Hi, I was wondering if you know any banks that are open right now.
Me: Sir, it's 3am...there are no banks that stay open after regular business hours, about 6pm is the latest they stay open.
SC: Oh...so if I need a bank, I have to wait for 6pm?
Yes, you have to wait for 6pm you goddamned mental wasteland. I really hope that this is your prescribed course of action, mainly because it will be amusing when the daily news reports the escaped zoo animal at the bank. I wonder if the video cameras will accurately capture the sound of your crooning mating call as you try for several hours with no success to sing the love song that will unlock the doors and magically make the tellers return to work to process whatever you needed done, but couldn't be troubled to do at a reasonable time of day. That will be fucking stupendous.
Because it's cold!
Me: Dude...we can't use the hoses to spray water on the front drive to clean it tonight.
CW: Why not? We're supposed to clean it!
Me: It's 28º out right now...water freezes. If we spray down the front drive, we're going to have a giant sheet of ice later on, and it gets no sun...it's going to take bag after bag of salt just to fix it.
CW: But the boss wanted it washed off tonight.
Me: If he has a problem with it, tell him to talk to me...either way, do not spray down the drive.
I come back 5 minutes later, and the drive is now freezing into a giant sheet of ice. Why? CW was happily spraying it down anyway.
Me: Dude...what are you doing!?
CW: Spraying down the drive!
Me: Did we not just have a discussion 5 minutes ago where the last thing I told you was "do not spray down the drive"?
CW: Well...I thought if I didn't leave any puddles...
Me: No. Stop. Turn off the water, disconnect the hose, and do not spray down the drive!!!
*Le sigh*
Why not?
A guy wants access to a room. He's not registered, he has nothing in the room, and the person inside is a lone female who we've seen throughout the night, and has been HAMMERED drunk all night. She had to be helped to her room earlier, and she is undoubtedly passed out. Then guy shows up...he says he's her boyfriend.
SC: Why won't you let me in the room?
Me: One, you're not registered to the room. Two, we had to help her to her room earlier, as she was unable to stand. Three, she is a woman who is alone in a room, and she must give permission to let you in. Four, she is alone, and I'm not going to simply open her room for any guy who claims to know her. Five, no.
SC: So you're not going to help me?
Me: If she calls us and tells us to let you in, sure. Until then, it's our responsibility to keep her safe.
He probably really was her boyfriend, but I don't care. I'm not going to let him in there and then find out later that I contributed to a rape.
It's an emergency!
Me: Hotel emergency line, what's your emergency?
SC: I have a problem.
Me: Do you need emergency assistance sir?
SC: Well, why isn't room service open?
Me: Sir, this line is for emergencies only, if you do not have an emergency, I must disconnect this line.
SC: I have an emergency!
Me: What is your emergency?
SC: I need food!
Me: Sir, I am ending this call, you will need to contact the front desk for food options.
This is exactly the type of idiot who calls 911 to ask for the bus schedule. Seriously, where is that whole rapture thing I keep hearing about from religious people? Doesn't that involve the wholesale slaughter of most of humanity? Let's get to work on that.
Drunk
SC: Hey there, big man.
Me: Good evening, sir.
SC: Hey, where can a guy go for some fun around here?
Me: What type of fun, sir?
SC: I just want to get laid.
Me: I don't know that I can help you with that...
SC: Can you just come up to my room with me?
Me: Let's see...too drunk to stand? Check. Beer gut? Check. Beer gut on his beer gut? Double check. Breath smells of rotting meat and disgusting? Check. Sorry sir, you're not my type.
SC: How do you know? Maybe I'm a great kisser...give me a kiss!
Me: Sir, we're going to stop there. Do not pass go, and do not attempt anything inappropriate with my staff or with me...are we clear?
SC: Oh, crystal, hot stuff.
Hot stuff...great...I usually feel flattered when someone hits on me at my job. That said...now I just feel violated. It would be hard for this guy to be dirtier than he was, and not because he was a guy. It's because he was nasty ><
My name is Hobo. H-O-B-O Hooooboooo.
In an epic staring match, I noticed a hobo who we've kicked off property a few times is standing across from our parking garage entrance, staring at it. He's clearly looking for an opening to walk over and find a corner to hole up in, and I'm in a quirky mood, so I grab my coat, gloves, and hat, and go stand outside. It's 36º at the time, and I'm very warm in all my stuff...and I proceed to stand at the garage entrance and just look right at him.
He looks at me.
I look at him.
He looks at me.
I look at him.
And he looks at meeee!
Er sorry, got a Weird Al song in my head there *cough*. Anyway, this goes on for about an hour, and he starts off just standing. As time goes on, his arms slowly curl in until finally he's hugging himself and shivering. He finally just screams "FINE! I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP THERE ANYWAY!!!" He then storms off in the direction of the homeless shelter that's 2 minutes away.
Why didn't he go there first? Simple, they make you empty your pockets and take away any drugs/alcohol if you go there, and he's a heavy user.
That's about all for my weekly wrap-up, hope you enjoy my suffering
Better week than most though...
What the hell? 
any prostitute would be desperate for money to go with him!
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