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It's that time again, kiddies! Time to make bubbles with our spit? Time to swim down the Nile? NO! It's time to revel in the pain of good ol' Uncle Khiras.
The Soundtrack in Your Brain
We haven't started playing holiday music just yet (thank god), so our usual puke-inducing lobby music plays softly throughout the hotel. It's still better than listening to Jingle Bells over and over, so Khiras abides. It never fails though, someone comes up to me and starts screaming. (As always, italics are my thoughts
)
SC: I can't believe your music choice here!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, I've heard the songs so much they tend to blend together...was there something offensive in one of the songs?
SC: It's not that...I can't believe you wouldn't celebrate Christmas though?
Me: o.O
Er...how do you mean ma'am?
SC: Everywhere else is playing holiday music, except YOU!
Me: ...Well, we do have a Christmas soundtrack, but we don't start that until much closer to those holidays, and...
SC: NO! Thanksgiving is a holiday too, those "Christmas Songs" as you call them are all Thanksgiving songs too!!!
Me: (Frosty the Snowman, Jingle Bells, Rudolph...what the hell? Is there even a song that mentions Thanksgiving? Ah screw it.) I'm sorry ma'am...I would change the music myself, unfortunately they don't give us any keys to the sound system.
SC: Well it's just not right!!! *storms off*
You are correct, madam, it's not right at all. Never mind the fact that I didn't even know there was such a thing as a Thanksgiving Song until I googled the subject, but you're a blazing idiot. "Christmas" songs are all shit that talk about a jolly fat man, and the idea of not hating your fellow human being to the point of murderous intent. I should know, because it's the only thing I've heard in stores lately, and the sound, ironically, makes me want to stab everything within a 20 yard radius since I've heard the same song at the last 5 stores I've gone in to. Please crawl back into whatever sewer you spawned from and leave me the fuck alone.
Whore up much?
SC: I would like to have the charges for my internet taken off.
Me: I see sir...has there been some type of problem?
SC: Oh no, everything's been fantastic! I travel a lot though, so I don't think I should have to pay for the internet, right?
Me: (Raging Hooker attacks Khiras. Khiras dodges.) I'm sorry sir, I can't adjust those charges off...we charge for the internet so that guests who don't need it don't have to pay the fee automatically as part of their rate.
SC: That's not right though...I travel a lot, I shouldn't have to pay for that!.
Me: (Raging Hooker performs post-blowjob spew of words. Khiras cringes and backs away several feet to avoid the expanding puddle.) I'm sorry sir, but I can't adjust that off for you.
SC: Well I'll call back in the morning and try someone else then!
Me: Very well sir...have a good night!
Raging Hooker has fled. Seriously asshole, what in the name of your ever-expanding ass makes you think I give a shit how much you travel? I travel a lot too, only I don't make the mistake about being a fuckwit about it. You get what you pay for, but you deserve nothing other than my extreme disdain for even making this ridiculous request.
For the record, he was also staying in a $350 room for $80 thanks to f*&^ing Priceline.com's bullshit (how I hate them), so we didn't give him a damn thing.
This should make me popular...
CW: Khiras?
Me: Yes?
CW: We have a...situation...
Me: Define "situation."
CW: There's a noise complaint...they say the people in the next room are loudly...er...moaning...
Me: Heh...been a while since I've done one of these...
We go up to the room, and as is standard procedure (no, we're not just creepy), we listen outside the room. If there's no noise, we move on. Well, there's no noise, so we leave a business card at the complaining room, and we start to leave. Then...
Guest: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Khiras and CW:
We give them the customary 2 minute rule. The 2 minute rule is that, in this particular incidence of noise, interrupting is not really going to work out too well for us. Therefore, since I figure they were well on their way when we got the call, they have the 2 minute warning to get into the endzone. We stand back far enough that we're not just listening to...er...the proceedings, and we'll sweep by when their time's up.
Sure enough, right before the 2 minutes is up, the noise dies...and the shower turns on, and we all feel dirty. That said, I'm silly, so I must have the last word:
Me: Khiras to base.
Base: Go ahead.
Me: They finished.
Onnanohito wa suwatte imasen.
Translation: The woman is not sitting. This is the entire phone call, almost word for word.
Me: Good morning, <hotel>, this is Khiras.
SC: TELL HER TO SIT DOWN!!!
Me: Ma'am?
SC: You heard me! TELL HER! TO SIT! DOWN!!!
Me: Tell who to sit down?
SC: This woman is not sitting down, you tell her to sit down!!!
Me: Are you in the hotel?
SC: NO!!!
Me: How can I tell someone to sit down if they're not here?
SC: JUST TELL THAT BITCH TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN!
Me: ...........................................Why not? Ma'am, could you sit down please?
SC: Thanks so much, have a good night! *click*
What. The. Fuck? It wouldn't have creeped me out so much, but the last line literally went from screaming vehemence to absolute gentlewomanly behavior. She said thanks like she was the most demure example of good behavior that had ever existed. I also find myself wondering just who I was talking to when I said "sit", but I have a strong suspicion that they didn't exactly have the mentle capacity of Lassie...after Lassie was hit in the head with a shovel 8 or 9 times.
Have fun with that mental image, children. I hope I've ruined some childhood memories with that one.
Drunk
SC: Fuck you!
Me: Alrighty then, what's that all about now?
SC: RAWRG!!! *runs out of the hotel*
Me: Bye!
Two stunned guests:
Me: Hello!
I couldn't even get angry...the moment was just too perfect.
Drunk
SC: Hey, man?
Me: Yes?
SC: Where can we get booze after 2?
Me: (DING! Round 1!) Sorry, we can't serve alcohol in Colorado after 2am.
SC: Aw come on man...you live here, I know you know some "unofficial" places.
Me: Sorry sir, none that I know of.
SC: There's gotta be something nearby, come on man!
Me: Sorry, none that I know about.
SC: What if we make it worth your while?
Me: I can't get you any alcohol, sir. (Unless we're talking 10 digits or so...)
SC: Not even for $500?
Me: Nice try, you're starting higher than most...I usually hear $100 first. Answer's still no though.
SC: How much would it take to get us alcohol?
Me: Have you won powerball lately?
SC: No?
Me: Then you don't have enough.
Round 1 over, I claim winner. Why? Because I'm me, damnit.
Drunks
SC: Hey dude...can we get a drink?
Me: Sorry, we're not allowed to serve at this time, the bar's just been closed since it's 2am.
SC: Why does 2am matter?
Me: Colorado laws...they won't let us serve alcohol after 2am. (Thankfully, otherwise you would stick around.)
SC: But you could sneak something to me, right?
Me: Nope, we can't do that.
SC: Can room service send up alcohol?
Me: Room service actually closed at midnight.
SC: Can I buy a bottle of wine?
Me: We can't sell them after 2am.
SC: Oh...do you know of any hook-ups for crack?
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare*
SC: ...er...heh...ok yeah, bad joke...
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare*
SC: So, you're sure you can't get me alcohol?
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare* Definitely sure.
(not 3 minutes later)
SC's Friend (SCF): Hello.
Me: Good evening, anything I can help you with? (Side note, I'm standing by the bar so no one tries to sneak behind, everything's locked up anyway though)
SCF: A drink?
Me: Sorry, Colorado law...can't serve after 2am.
SCF: So where do they keep the alcohol then?
Me: All locked up and on camera...with alarms on the locks. I can't even touch them now.
SCF: Oh...oh well... *walks off*
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare*
(Not 5 minutes later...)
SC: Do you all have, like, a bellperson?
Me: Our guest services leave after midnight, but we have staff available if you need luggage or other assistance inside the hotel.
SC: Can someone run and get me a can of chew?
Me: (AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!) Sorry sir...we can't send our staff outside alone at this time of night to that far a distance. The closest store that sells chewing tobacco at this time of night is 5 or 6 miles away at Colfax and Vine; we don't have a towncar that our property owns to drive that far away.
SC: Can't someone walk there?
Me: I'm sorry sir, the area around the store is safer, but the area on the way there is not; I can't send someone walking to the store alone at this hour, it's too dangerous to do so.
SC: What if I take my car out of valet and give it to them to drive?
Me: We are not allowed to do that sir...we can park and retrieve your vehicle for you through the valet, but none of the staff including myself would be able to remove your car from the property like that without being immediately fired, the records are closely monitored to prevent that sort of thing.
SC: So no one can go get that for me?
Me: At this time of night, we don't have that ability, unfortunately. There is a Walgreena and Rite-Aid nearby, but they close at midnight on weekends. Sorry about that...
*SC stalks off*
CW: Uh...Khiras? What about the 7-11? That's 3 blocks away.
Me: Screw that, it's 20º out there, that place is even shadier than the road to the 24 hour Walgreens, and I'm still not sending any of us over there in the middle of the night...unless you particularly WANT to get stabbed on the way over?
CW: Uh...no thanks.
Me: Exactly.
I think that was Rounds 2-20, and I'm still claiming winner because I didn't give them a damn thing.
Drunk
You. Asshole. Yes, you, the asshole. Yes, you, the asshole sitting in the couches, twitching around to make fun of people with mental illness.
Out. Now.
I'm told I'd turned rather red when I saw him, so I must've been a bit more aggressive than usual...he left rather quickly. Do you think he noticed I was mad? I thought I noticed him noticing...
Drunken Cackling Hooker
I've finally cleared all of the drunks out of the bar area, cleaned up all the drinks they left behind, and decided to calm down a bit...and this group of PLASTERED people comes in, 4 girls, 1 guy. This is not unusual, it is a Saturday after all, so I just ignore them...but one of them things everything is the most hilarious thing ever.
I'm sorry folks, but if your laugh is physically painful for other people to hear, you need to find a way to silence it. It was like the Wicked Witch of the West, plus a cat that was slowly being disemboweled with an olive fork, played over a soundtrack of forks being scratched on the surface of a chalkboard.
Urge to kill...rising...
The Locked Door...
The side entrance/exit doors to our hotel lock at 11pm every night. You can't exit through those doors, but there is a giant red button that says UNLOCK next to each door, it's impossible to miss it. The doors HAVE to unlock, they are fire exits after all, and during a fire they unlock automatically anyway.
I have now watched 18 people, including the cackler above, walk face first into the doors, bounce off blinking, and then do it again. I watch a group of 8 people try the doors one after another, fail, and then simply give up...one actually leaned back on the unlock button, and no one tried the door afterward.
Really? This is the best we can do, intellectually? Wow.
That's all for this week's stories...time to get back to the grind
The Soundtrack in Your Brain
We haven't started playing holiday music just yet (thank god), so our usual puke-inducing lobby music plays softly throughout the hotel. It's still better than listening to Jingle Bells over and over, so Khiras abides. It never fails though, someone comes up to me and starts screaming. (As always, italics are my thoughts
)SC: I can't believe your music choice here!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, I've heard the songs so much they tend to blend together...was there something offensive in one of the songs?
SC: It's not that...I can't believe you wouldn't celebrate Christmas though?
Me: o.O
Er...how do you mean ma'am?SC: Everywhere else is playing holiday music, except YOU!
Me: ...Well, we do have a Christmas soundtrack, but we don't start that until much closer to those holidays, and...
SC: NO! Thanksgiving is a holiday too, those "Christmas Songs" as you call them are all Thanksgiving songs too!!!
Me: (Frosty the Snowman, Jingle Bells, Rudolph...what the hell? Is there even a song that mentions Thanksgiving? Ah screw it.) I'm sorry ma'am...I would change the music myself, unfortunately they don't give us any keys to the sound system.
SC: Well it's just not right!!! *storms off*
You are correct, madam, it's not right at all. Never mind the fact that I didn't even know there was such a thing as a Thanksgiving Song until I googled the subject, but you're a blazing idiot. "Christmas" songs are all shit that talk about a jolly fat man, and the idea of not hating your fellow human being to the point of murderous intent. I should know, because it's the only thing I've heard in stores lately, and the sound, ironically, makes me want to stab everything within a 20 yard radius since I've heard the same song at the last 5 stores I've gone in to. Please crawl back into whatever sewer you spawned from and leave me the fuck alone.
Whore up much?
SC: I would like to have the charges for my internet taken off.
Me: I see sir...has there been some type of problem?
SC: Oh no, everything's been fantastic! I travel a lot though, so I don't think I should have to pay for the internet, right?
Me: (Raging Hooker attacks Khiras. Khiras dodges.) I'm sorry sir, I can't adjust those charges off...we charge for the internet so that guests who don't need it don't have to pay the fee automatically as part of their rate.
SC: That's not right though...I travel a lot, I shouldn't have to pay for that!.
Me: (Raging Hooker performs post-blowjob spew of words. Khiras cringes and backs away several feet to avoid the expanding puddle.) I'm sorry sir, but I can't adjust that off for you.
SC: Well I'll call back in the morning and try someone else then!
Me: Very well sir...have a good night!
Raging Hooker has fled. Seriously asshole, what in the name of your ever-expanding ass makes you think I give a shit how much you travel? I travel a lot too, only I don't make the mistake about being a fuckwit about it. You get what you pay for, but you deserve nothing other than my extreme disdain for even making this ridiculous request.
For the record, he was also staying in a $350 room for $80 thanks to f*&^ing Priceline.com's bullshit (how I hate them), so we didn't give him a damn thing.
This should make me popular...
CW: Khiras?
Me: Yes?
CW: We have a...situation...
Me: Define "situation."
CW: There's a noise complaint...they say the people in the next room are loudly...er...moaning...
Me: Heh...been a while since I've done one of these...
We go up to the room, and as is standard procedure (no, we're not just creepy), we listen outside the room. If there's no noise, we move on. Well, there's no noise, so we leave a business card at the complaining room, and we start to leave. Then...
Guest: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Khiras and CW:
We give them the customary 2 minute rule. The 2 minute rule is that, in this particular incidence of noise, interrupting is not really going to work out too well for us. Therefore, since I figure they were well on their way when we got the call, they have the 2 minute warning to get into the endzone. We stand back far enough that we're not just listening to...er...the proceedings, and we'll sweep by when their time's up.
Sure enough, right before the 2 minutes is up, the noise dies...and the shower turns on, and we all feel dirty. That said, I'm silly, so I must have the last word:
Me: Khiras to base.
Base: Go ahead.
Me: They finished.
Onnanohito wa suwatte imasen.
Translation: The woman is not sitting. This is the entire phone call, almost word for word.
Me: Good morning, <hotel>, this is Khiras.
SC: TELL HER TO SIT DOWN!!!
Me: Ma'am?
SC: You heard me! TELL HER! TO SIT! DOWN!!!
Me: Tell who to sit down?
SC: This woman is not sitting down, you tell her to sit down!!!
Me: Are you in the hotel?
SC: NO!!!
Me: How can I tell someone to sit down if they're not here?
SC: JUST TELL THAT BITCH TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN!
Me: ...........................................Why not? Ma'am, could you sit down please?
SC: Thanks so much, have a good night! *click*
What. The. Fuck? It wouldn't have creeped me out so much, but the last line literally went from screaming vehemence to absolute gentlewomanly behavior. She said thanks like she was the most demure example of good behavior that had ever existed. I also find myself wondering just who I was talking to when I said "sit", but I have a strong suspicion that they didn't exactly have the mentle capacity of Lassie...after Lassie was hit in the head with a shovel 8 or 9 times.
Have fun with that mental image, children. I hope I've ruined some childhood memories with that one.
Drunk
SC: Fuck you!
Me: Alrighty then, what's that all about now?
SC: RAWRG!!! *runs out of the hotel*
Me: Bye!
Two stunned guests:
Me: Hello!
I couldn't even get angry...the moment was just too perfect.
Drunk
SC: Hey, man?
Me: Yes?
SC: Where can we get booze after 2?
Me: (DING! Round 1!) Sorry, we can't serve alcohol in Colorado after 2am.
SC: Aw come on man...you live here, I know you know some "unofficial" places.
Me: Sorry sir, none that I know of.
SC: There's gotta be something nearby, come on man!
Me: Sorry, none that I know about.
SC: What if we make it worth your while?
Me: I can't get you any alcohol, sir. (Unless we're talking 10 digits or so...)
SC: Not even for $500?
Me: Nice try, you're starting higher than most...I usually hear $100 first. Answer's still no though.
SC: How much would it take to get us alcohol?
Me: Have you won powerball lately?
SC: No?
Me: Then you don't have enough.
Round 1 over, I claim winner. Why? Because I'm me, damnit.
Drunks
SC: Hey dude...can we get a drink?
Me: Sorry, we're not allowed to serve at this time, the bar's just been closed since it's 2am.
SC: Why does 2am matter?
Me: Colorado laws...they won't let us serve alcohol after 2am. (Thankfully, otherwise you would stick around.)
SC: But you could sneak something to me, right?
Me: Nope, we can't do that.
SC: Can room service send up alcohol?
Me: Room service actually closed at midnight.
SC: Can I buy a bottle of wine?
Me: We can't sell them after 2am.
SC: Oh...do you know of any hook-ups for crack?
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare*
SC: ...er...heh...ok yeah, bad joke...
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare*
SC: So, you're sure you can't get me alcohol?
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare* Definitely sure.
(not 3 minutes later)
SC's Friend (SCF): Hello.
Me: Good evening, anything I can help you with? (Side note, I'm standing by the bar so no one tries to sneak behind, everything's locked up anyway though)
SCF: A drink?
Me: Sorry, Colorado law...can't serve after 2am.
SCF: So where do they keep the alcohol then?
Me: All locked up and on camera...with alarms on the locks. I can't even touch them now.
SCF: Oh...oh well... *walks off*
Me: *Flat, unfriendly stare*
(Not 5 minutes later...)
SC: Do you all have, like, a bellperson?
Me: Our guest services leave after midnight, but we have staff available if you need luggage or other assistance inside the hotel.
SC: Can someone run and get me a can of chew?
Me: (AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!) Sorry sir...we can't send our staff outside alone at this time of night to that far a distance. The closest store that sells chewing tobacco at this time of night is 5 or 6 miles away at Colfax and Vine; we don't have a towncar that our property owns to drive that far away.
SC: Can't someone walk there?
Me: I'm sorry sir, the area around the store is safer, but the area on the way there is not; I can't send someone walking to the store alone at this hour, it's too dangerous to do so.
SC: What if I take my car out of valet and give it to them to drive?
Me: We are not allowed to do that sir...we can park and retrieve your vehicle for you through the valet, but none of the staff including myself would be able to remove your car from the property like that without being immediately fired, the records are closely monitored to prevent that sort of thing.
SC: So no one can go get that for me?
Me: At this time of night, we don't have that ability, unfortunately. There is a Walgreena and Rite-Aid nearby, but they close at midnight on weekends. Sorry about that...
*SC stalks off*
CW: Uh...Khiras? What about the 7-11? That's 3 blocks away.
Me: Screw that, it's 20º out there, that place is even shadier than the road to the 24 hour Walgreens, and I'm still not sending any of us over there in the middle of the night...unless you particularly WANT to get stabbed on the way over?
CW: Uh...no thanks.
Me: Exactly.
I think that was Rounds 2-20, and I'm still claiming winner because I didn't give them a damn thing.
Drunk
You. Asshole. Yes, you, the asshole. Yes, you, the asshole sitting in the couches, twitching around to make fun of people with mental illness.
Out. Now.
I'm told I'd turned rather red when I saw him, so I must've been a bit more aggressive than usual...he left rather quickly. Do you think he noticed I was mad? I thought I noticed him noticing...
Drunken Cackling Hooker
I've finally cleared all of the drunks out of the bar area, cleaned up all the drinks they left behind, and decided to calm down a bit...and this group of PLASTERED people comes in, 4 girls, 1 guy. This is not unusual, it is a Saturday after all, so I just ignore them...but one of them things everything is the most hilarious thing ever.
I'm sorry folks, but if your laugh is physically painful for other people to hear, you need to find a way to silence it. It was like the Wicked Witch of the West, plus a cat that was slowly being disemboweled with an olive fork, played over a soundtrack of forks being scratched on the surface of a chalkboard.
Urge to kill...rising...
The Locked Door...
The side entrance/exit doors to our hotel lock at 11pm every night. You can't exit through those doors, but there is a giant red button that says UNLOCK next to each door, it's impossible to miss it. The doors HAVE to unlock, they are fire exits after all, and during a fire they unlock automatically anyway.
I have now watched 18 people, including the cackler above, walk face first into the doors, bounce off blinking, and then do it again. I watch a group of 8 people try the doors one after another, fail, and then simply give up...one actually leaned back on the unlock button, and no one tried the door afterward.
Really? This is the best we can do, intellectually? Wow.
That's all for this week's stories...time to get back to the grind
mistake, sorry*
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