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Abject Chaos
I'm not sure if I can fit this all into one post....As I'm sure you hotel employees have noticed, every airport in North America has been sort of in the sheet for a few days now due to the weather. Which has led to a *massive* call volume spike at work. Its just non stop day in and day out every shift morning, noon, night and graveyard. Everyone's pissy. Half of them blame us even though we have nothing to do with it. Etc etc. Its been pretty insane...
This post is rated T for Teens and Tired Mods.
The East. Always to the East.
Me: “Alright, and what city are you in?”
SC: “Huh? I’m at the airport.”
Me: “Yes, but in what city?”
SC: “Oh, Phoenix. Sorry. I thought you were here too. Sorry, I’m from back east so I don’t know these things.”
I’m from back east too but I’m not daft enough to assume that a company that literally states in the opening recording that it covers all of North America is local. Please do not blame your failings on the east coast. It is not the east coast’s fault. Genetics, parenting, alcohol abuse, ingested paint chips, repeated head impacts, it could be the fault of any of these. But it is definitely not the fault of the Atlantic Ocean itself unless you drowned and your brain went without oxygen for several minutes before you were resuscitated. In which case alright, I will concede your point. But you should be specific. Such as “Sorry, I’m from back east and the Atlantic ate my brain meat. So I don’t know these things.”
ARGH~
Me: “Ok, and how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “Just one.”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “One LUCKY ONE!”
I am running out of elaborately descriptive similes and metaphors to use due to your repeated use of this stale, dead horse of a joke and all of its variants. Seriously, please. Stop with the jokes. None of you are remotely original and certainly not funny. We poor operators can only force a fake laugh so much. You have to realize that we do these lotteries constantly and we take orders for tickets day in and day out. Literally thousands of people buy these tickets and in average 1 in 8 callers makes a stupid, stupid joke that they should be flogged with a rolled up newspaper by an angry German for.
You are not special. You are not unique. You are not funny. Please, spare us and do not try to crack a joke.
This has been a Public Service Announcement on behalf of the employees of <company>
Planning Ahead
Me: “Alright, do you have a pen ready?”
SC: “No, sorry. Give me a sec……I know I know, the recording said to have one ready but I don’t.”
So you’re smart enough to listen to the recording but still stupid enough to fail to comply to its directions despite the fact that they imply you will require a writing implement with which to record information. Ironically, this kind of makes you less intelligent than the guy that just ignores it completely. By mixing just a little bit of success with a little bit of stupidity you’ve actually conducted a complete and total failure. I’m impressed. You know most alchemists attempt to turn lead into gold, not a lack of lead into fail.
They.....what?
SC: “Yeah, the airport in Las Vegas was shut down so dey daveeded us ta Faynix.”
…..they…what you? Daveeded? Did it hurt? I assume you mean diverted but are not yet capable of coherently bending the English language to your whims. I shall keep this in mind for the rest of the call so that I may adapt to the language of failure you are speaking. So, I hope you have a pan reedy, because I haf to geb joo a canfarmetion numboar.
Winter is cold.
SC: “There’s no heat and it’s really cold out. I mean, this isn’t even like our usual winter. This is a DEEP FREEZE.”
Hah. Ah, you must be one of those people that ends up in a ditch in your tricked out Honda Civic every year. Because you have some sort of weird mental block that prevents you from remembering the fact that winter exists. Every single year when winter actually hits you freak out and stay huddled in your home terrified of the frigid sky powder. What madness is this!? You ask. For surely you’ve never seen anything like this in your entire life despite the fact it was here last year and the year before that, and the year before that.
You don’t know what to do with it, you don’t know how to drive in it and when forced to actually ventured into it unexposed you spend all your time drunkenly staggering and shaking like a new born deer as you try to figure out how to walk again now that the ground has a delicious frosted coating.
But yes, this a deep freeze. I mean it’s what? -3 out? Truly we are on the verge of an ice age and must begin stockpiling fur & berries and sharpening broom handles into spears for the inevitable woolly mammoth hunting that will surely become our main source of food and clothing by January.
Whimper
Me: “Can I help you?”
SC: “Yes, ma’am.”
So not only have you robbed me of my patience, compassion and humanity, you must take my manhood as well? Very well. Go ahead. Take it. See if I care. You have everything else anyway. You may as well take it. Heck, you know what? I’ll mail it to you. UPS it even. Give me a minute I’ll get you a tracking number. What should I write on it for customs? "1 x Used Jibbles"?
and JAM IT IN~
SC: “The hotel told my daughter they have no rooms left.”
Me: “Yes. Unfortunately, I’m not showing any vacancies at that hotel.”
SC: “Can’t you just squeeze her in?!”
Squeeze her in where exactly? Would you like me to get the hotel to go door to door and ask the guests if anyone would mind if some random stranger slept in their tub for the night? No worries, just pull the curtain over if you need to take a whizz. Or were you thinking more like give her a little nook under the front desk or a cranny in the janitor’s closet or something? There are no rooms there. Your pleading will not change that. I cannot produce 1 from 0. If I could I would not be working here. I would be a multi-billionaire laughing and waving at you from the boarding gate of my private jet with "A WINNER IS ME" emblazoned on the tail while you’re stuck in the airport because you foolishly selected an airline that really only has about a 50% chance of reaching its destination to begin with. Nevermind during a blizzard.
SC: “She has a sick dog with her and she’s just having a bad day.”
Oh, well, now that you’re playing the sympathy card she's automatically more important than the other 2000 stranded travellers. By all means, please, we’ll scour the hotel to find a guest more fortunate than her and eject them to make room. I mean, after all they had no trouble at all finding a room, none of them are sick, they’re chillin’ out watching Die Hard 2 on Cinemax and they’ve had a pretty good day so far. So screw those people. They can spend the night on the street tonight. Them and Bruce Willis.
Hot Tips
The Bloc Quebecois isn’t really left wing. That’s just something media keeps saying. They’re really right wing Americans whom I guess are merely here to attempt to undermine and destroy the unity of Canada and speak French really well. The media just says otherwise because the Queen controls the media and the Queen deems that the Bloc be portrayed as left wing. Therefore they are left wing. Because the Queen wills it. Why the Queen wants to destroy us, I do not know and my buzzed out drunken teleprophet did not elaborate.
I hope you're taking notes.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
SC: “Can you get <name> to call me in the morning?”
Me: “Sure.”
15 minutes later.
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Hey, do you think <name> would be up?”
Me: “I don’t think so….it’s pretty late.”
SC: “Ok, no problem. I won’t bother you again.”
Literally 5 seconds later.
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Hey, does he like dolls?”
Me: “….what? I…..don’t think so...”
SC: “Does he like golf?”
Me: “I have no idea.”
SC: “Ok, sorry for bothering you.”
If you’re next question is something like “Hey, what does he taste like?” I’m hanging up on you. There are limits to my knowledge of our clients and my comfort zone when discussing their likes, dislikes, tastes and textures. Especially dolls, where the Hell did dolls come from? Where you scouring the Yellowpages for a lawyer, spotted this office and thought "I bet he likes to play with pretty, pretty things."
You Poor Thing
SC: “I’ve been under siege for 2 years!”
Ok, stop right there. It really doesn’t matter what you say now. Because with an opening statement like that you’ve all but ensured that regardless of what your problem is, I probably can’t help you with it and you will eventually blame this failure of resolution on me. So let’s just stop right here and cut directly to the chase: We’ll just say nothing’s going to be done about you problem and its all entirely my fault, ok? That’s where this is going to go anyway so we may as well just distill your illogical ranting down to the bare essentials and save us both 10 minutes of our lives.
Rated E for Entitlement
Ok, there are many things I can do for you. I have many tools at my disposal to provide you with assistance, mercy and sanctuary. However, there are a few things I cannot do for you and a few points you seem to be unable to grasp:
1) Strangely enough the hotels are the ones that set the room rates. Not moi. There is little sense in blaming me for the expense. Perhaps you should blame the airline or maybe even yourself for attempting to fly into a snowstorm and not planning for possible delays or missed connections.
2) The hotel is setting the amount of rooms too. If the hotel tells us they have rooms, we have little choice but to work with that information. If the hotel does not have rooms, but is telling us they do, than you should be beating the person at the front desk after you finish beating the desk clerk at US Airways.
3) I cannot give you another hotel for the same rate as the first hotel. See number #1.
4) I will not pay the difference.
5) I am not paying for cab fare to take you to the hotel.
6) Despite your argument and attitude, you are not entitled to any of the above in exchange for your "inconvenience" as you seem to think. An error by the hotel or the airline in no way obligates me to give you me’ pot of gold let alone me Lucky Charms.
7) Repeating your demands will not make me concede to them as you did not even have the foresight to take a hostage. Once again showing a distinct lack of planning on your part.
8) After acting like a buttwhistle and trying to argue with me for 10 minutes you cannot suddenly turn around and begin acting like I'm the one with the problem and you’re “Just trying to help us out” and “Well its fine if you don’t want my help, I mean, I’m just trying to help *you* guys out here.”. You have not assisted us in any way. All you have assisted me in doing is making people far far more deserving of my time than you wait longer to find shelter.
9) You have successfully eliminated any and all sympathy I had for you as well as any inclination I had to assist you by acting like a petulant child rather than dealing with this like an adult.
10) Bad dog. No biscuit.
I Require Additional Information
Ok, I believe I’ve had to mention this a few times tonight already but when I ask where you are and you say “The airport” that does not in any way help me determine your location. Oddly enough there is more than one airport in the country in fact they practically build them everywhere surprisingly enough. I know, it sounds crazy, but see in order for a plane to fly somewhere else it must have an airport to depart from and an airport to land at. They do not simply pull up to your front door, drop you off, then take off again.
Right, ok, sit down a minute. Let’s explore this together. See, you got on a plane right? You had to have been at an airport to get on a plane. Because, as I said, they do not just land on your street and taxi up to your lawn for you. So you had to go to an airport. That’s one. You got on a plane and you were taking that plane to go somewhere else. Right? That somewhere else would be another airport. Because planes need airports to land so they don’t plow into the ground and burst into flames. So that’s two. While you were going to that airport, that airport got shut down and you were diverted to the airport you’re at now. Right? So that’s three. Three airports. ( AH AH AH AH )
So, there must be at least 3 airports in your small, dimly lit world. If you had stopped for even a moment while the recording was playing to connect at the very least 2 to of these dots you would have realized that the answer “the airport” was woefully insufficient. However, you were too busy humming along with the on hold music and lustfully licking a Slim Jim wrapper you found on the floor in baggage claim to contemplate such deep thoughts.
<3 RCMP
Cop: “He said his lawyer was <name>."
Me: “Hmmm….I don’t have any <name>....”
Cop: “I can double check with him again. Can I put you on hold a minute?”
Me: “Sure”
Cop: “Thanks. <click> HOOGA CHAKA HOOGA HOOGA HOOGA CHAKA HOOGA HOOGA HOOGA CHAKA-”
This is why the RCMP are awesome.
Now you're just being mean
Me: “Alright, do you have a pen there?”
SC: “Yes….hang on a sec. I’m on that moving sidewalk thing.”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “I have to get off this thing before I get myself killed!"
Oh you tease, getting my hopes up like that.
MY RING~
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Yeah, we’re passengers off of flight xxx.”
Me: “Ok, are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “We’ve been flying with US Airways.”
Me: “Yes. Are you calling for a hotel?”
SC: “We’re flying with US Airways.”
Me: “Ok, but are you calling for a hotel?”
Answer. The. Question. This is the first hurdle you must overcome if you want to proceed any further. It is the first challenge. The first trial. The first throw away question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ( Hint: The answer isn't "Elephant" ). The first Labour of Hercules. If you cannot answer this simple yes or no question, you cannot advance the quest and will be no closer to obtaining the Holy Grail of a discounted hotel room and than that damn little centaur bastard will mock you incessantly. I for one will shed no tears for your failure but Newton is going to keep reminding you of it every 3 seconds for the next 15 minutes until the commercial break.
Pro Tip
SC: “Ok, on Thursday, December 15th. Oh, you can just put T-H-U-R for Thursday and just D-E-C for December. Tell him I faxed 11 pages to-oh, and you can just put 11. Like the numbers rather than spelling it out like eleven. To save space.”
….yes, thank you for the pro tips. In all my years of attempting to cram novellas worth of information into 2-3 lines of pager space it never occurred to me to just use numbers and abbreviations to save space. Clearly you possess the strategy guide that I neglected to purchase before I began playing Call of Duty 4: Modern CSR. You are l33t. I am n00b. SCHOOL ME, MASTER.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Deux
SC: “The fridge made this click and a pop, than there was a burning smell and smoke.”
Me: “Hmmm….ok, well-“
SC: “I’m looking at the manual here and it says that you may hear pops or clicks when you first plug it in….so that’s not. The compressor might make noise after defrosting when they expand and contract. But there was a burning smell too….”
Me: “Yes, that’s the problem. Its possible fire hazard.“
SC: “Do you think there might be a monster back there?”
ME: “Haha, probably not, no.”
SC: “No, seriously.”
Me: “……no. No there isn’t.”
Its amazing how one line can change the tone of the entire conversation. You know I’ve had appliances fail on me before too. I even had my fridge die a couple years back. But the possibility of monster invention as a probable cause never entered my mind. In fact I haven’t considered the possibility of monster invention as an explanation for anything since I was 6. Back than they were potentially responsible for just about anything from strange noises in the night to GI Joes that went MIA to waking up in the morning with bed head.
The worst part of this was she sounded seriously afraid. The possibility was utterly rational in her world. Though applying the word rational to it is a stretch.
Interception
SC: “I placed an order and I just noticed today that your shipping is like 10-14 days?”
Me: “Yes, regular shipping takes about 10 business days.”
SC: “But I need it by Christmas! Is there any way to make it express?!”
ou want me to attempt to expedite an order that’s already been shipped to get it to you by the 25th because you somehow managed to place an order without once reading anything about the shipping? I’m not sure how you missed the shipping since, well, it asks you to pay for the shipping and gives you various shipping options to choose from.
That aside, your parcel is not equipped with a GPS tracking beacon and I do not happen to have a GPS unit with satellite uplink surgically grafted into my arm which I can consult to locate your parcel’s physical location before I dispatch a team of highly trained ninjas to secure it and swiftly transport it to your location via cool ninja things like hopping from tree to tree and leaping over rooftops with that "fwish fwish" noise. Though admitted, that would be pretty cool. I could give people directions by sticking my hand in their face and make the ninja’s do my grocery shopping and vacuum my house.
Er…ok, what was I talking about again? Oh, right. Your parcel. Umm…well, as I said my arm cannot uplink to space and Canada Post probably doesn’t employ many ninjas ( and if they do we wouldn't know because they're ninjas. ) so…er….no, no there isn’t. Sorry.
Sure, whatever.
Me: “Ok, the confirmation number 0-0-1-7"
SC: “Ok, 0-0-...than what?"
Me: “1-7.”
SC: “Ok, so 001F?”
….sure, F. 001F. Heck, I’ll just stand back and let you keep making up the rest of the number yourself. It seems like you have a talent and it would be wrong of me to suppress your potential. I wouldn't want to rob the world of your gifts.
Its Been A Long Night
You know it’s been a long night when you get a call for Security 2 at the <building> and actually say out loud: “Security 2, I choose you!”.
Luckily, I'm alone here. So very alone.
Criteria
Ok, its officially winter. How do you tell? Well, its officially winter when by the time you get to work you’re leaking fluid out of every hole in your head. Yes, that’s the criteria. I had plenty of time to determine this criteria while waiting for my bus that never came, hence my tardiness this evening. I still don’t know where it is. I finally gave up and started walking. It never showed up as I walk along the route. Nor was it was at the station when I arrived. So I assume it’s on fire in a ditch somewhere in New West with the driver and passengers standing around outside holding their hands to the wreckage to keep warm.
Dude Looks Like a Lady
SC: “Last time I ordered I accidentally ordered the women’s. It was really bad you know cus it was too loose and hard to walk in at work. I guess cus it was for hips or something.”
Wait, ok, so last time you accidentally ordered women’s cloths but rather than exchange them for the right cloths you decided you’d just wear women’s clothes to work instead? I think most guys would have just exchanged them…..are you going to “accidentally” order a skirt and handbag this time? Because we do have some lovely ones. Though as you said you don’t really have any hips so we’ll have to find one that works with your figure. We have some darling babydoll tanktops too. You may as well go for the whole outfit. Make sure you’re coordinated. I mean, if you’re going to make a "mistake" it may as well be a fabulous mistake.
<sob>
Me: “Ok, and how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “Just one please. Only takes one to win.”
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “Make sure I win!”
…ok, you clearly missed yesterday’s Public Service Announcement. I cannot make sure you win. I can, however, make sure you lose. So you might want to keep that in mind before making any further weak attempts at humour. Lest you displease me.
Yes, Yes We Do
SC: “I want to place an order”
Me: “Sure-“
SC: “I know you guys sometimes ask fer like a name and what not..”
Yes, generally we like knowing who we’re mailing our merchandise too. Especially if we’re banking on them paying cash on delivery. So you’re going to have to pony up a moniker if you want to progress any further and no, I will not accept “Mr Snuggles”, “Snagra The Ham Lord.” or you AIM screen name “YetiLuver17”. It has to be relatively believable.
Put it Down
Me: “Good evening, <industrial company>.”
SC: “Are you a Jenny Craig consultant?”
Me: “….no, you have the wrong number. Sorry.”
SC: “This isn’t Jenny Craig?”
Me: “No.”
I’ve been mistaken for a lot of things over the years: Taxi dispatch, phone sex operator, World of Warcraft Tech Support ( Ironically on this *same line* ), but Jenny Craig is a new one. Why are you even calling Jenny Craig at 2 in the morning anyway? Are you having a Cookie Crisis and need immediate snack avoidance counseling? Because I can actually help you there:
Put the cookie down.
Seriously, Down.
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Blacksmith”
Me: “Pardon? Can you spell it for me please?”
SC: “B-L-A….uh…C-H….K? M-I-T….um…H?”
Me: “……..”
SC: “….....”
Me: “So...…Blacksmith?”
SC: “Uh, yeah!”
So not only did you fail to spell your own name but you didn’t even catch it when I gave you a small window of opportunity to go “Hey, wait just one moment there Jeeves! I do believe that was somewhat incorrect and there’s a rather large chance I have just portrayed myself as a total chav. That just won’t do! I had better correct this, post haste!”. But no, you just plowed right on through all proud of yourself for having made an attempt at spelling. I bet you promised yourself a cookie later if you managed to place this call all by yourself.
Put the cookie down.
GK's Modern Life
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Alright, what’s the area code?”
SC: “Uhhh…..huh?”
Me: “The area code for your phone number?”
SC: “Uh…Manitoba?”
Me: “…no, can I have the area code for your phone number please?”
SC: “…..umm…….Mani…toba?”
Me: “…no. I need the area code for your phone number.”
SC: “…uhhhh….”
You know, <supervisor> asked me if I do anything aside from sleep and work during my work week. Well, yes, yes I do actually: Cry.
There.
Me: “Alright, do you have a pen there?”
SC: “Where?”
I thought “there” was pretty self explanatory. By “there” I mean…well…there. Your current location. The immediate space around you. That’s there. Conversely I am here. Here is different from there. You are there although to you, that there is here and my here is there. …..ok I’m really not helping, am I?
Put the cookie do-…..er…..nevermind.
Displeasure
Alright, so, you were driving erratically and the police caught up with you at a restaurant. You refused the breathalyzer and sobriety tests. So they gave you a 24 hour driving suspension and towed your car. You’re actually calling because you’re unhappy about this. Rather than ecstatic that you are not in a jail cell with a DUI charge on your head contemplating how to go about showering from here on out without dropping anything.
If I was you I’d be kissing the cop’s feet for being so lenient. But than again that too might land you in a jail cell with a DUI charge on your head.
...wha?
SC: “Where are the cashmere items made?”
Me: “They're made in Nepal.”
SC: “Oh. Ok. So does the material come from North Carolina than?”
….you have utterly no idea what cashmere is do you? The material is actually coming from Nepalese goat shavers at an altitude of some odd 14,000 feet. So no, not North Carolina. Where the hell did that even come from? Is cashmere normally a big export in North Carolina? Is there some sort of Carolina Mountain Goat I'm unaware of that's highly coveted for its downy underbelly?
!@?#$?
Me: “Good evening, <comp-"
SC: “I GONNA MAKE A MONEY!~@$”
Jesus Christ! Don't hurt me! What do you want!? Money? Take my wallet!
Me: “…….do you want to place an order…?”
SC: “Yes!”
Whew, ok. That I understand. I was confused and frightened there for a moment.
Me: “Alright, and by Credit or COD?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “….by credit card, or by COD?”
SC: “No.”
Ok, I’m confused and frightened again. Take my wallet.
Gah, ok, thats enough....I still have yet more but there's just too much. She can't take much more, cap'n~
This post is rated T for Teens and Tired Mods.
The East. Always to the East.
Me: “Alright, and what city are you in?”
SC: “Huh? I’m at the airport.”
Me: “Yes, but in what city?”
SC: “Oh, Phoenix. Sorry. I thought you were here too. Sorry, I’m from back east so I don’t know these things.”
I’m from back east too but I’m not daft enough to assume that a company that literally states in the opening recording that it covers all of North America is local. Please do not blame your failings on the east coast. It is not the east coast’s fault. Genetics, parenting, alcohol abuse, ingested paint chips, repeated head impacts, it could be the fault of any of these. But it is definitely not the fault of the Atlantic Ocean itself unless you drowned and your brain went without oxygen for several minutes before you were resuscitated. In which case alright, I will concede your point. But you should be specific. Such as “Sorry, I’m from back east and the Atlantic ate my brain meat. So I don’t know these things.”
ARGH~
Me: “Ok, and how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “Just one.”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “One LUCKY ONE!”
I am running out of elaborately descriptive similes and metaphors to use due to your repeated use of this stale, dead horse of a joke and all of its variants. Seriously, please. Stop with the jokes. None of you are remotely original and certainly not funny. We poor operators can only force a fake laugh so much. You have to realize that we do these lotteries constantly and we take orders for tickets day in and day out. Literally thousands of people buy these tickets and in average 1 in 8 callers makes a stupid, stupid joke that they should be flogged with a rolled up newspaper by an angry German for.
You are not special. You are not unique. You are not funny. Please, spare us and do not try to crack a joke.
This has been a Public Service Announcement on behalf of the employees of <company>
Planning Ahead
Me: “Alright, do you have a pen ready?”
SC: “No, sorry. Give me a sec……I know I know, the recording said to have one ready but I don’t.”
So you’re smart enough to listen to the recording but still stupid enough to fail to comply to its directions despite the fact that they imply you will require a writing implement with which to record information. Ironically, this kind of makes you less intelligent than the guy that just ignores it completely. By mixing just a little bit of success with a little bit of stupidity you’ve actually conducted a complete and total failure. I’m impressed. You know most alchemists attempt to turn lead into gold, not a lack of lead into fail.
They.....what?
SC: “Yeah, the airport in Las Vegas was shut down so dey daveeded us ta Faynix.”
…..they…what you? Daveeded? Did it hurt? I assume you mean diverted but are not yet capable of coherently bending the English language to your whims. I shall keep this in mind for the rest of the call so that I may adapt to the language of failure you are speaking. So, I hope you have a pan reedy, because I haf to geb joo a canfarmetion numboar.
Winter is cold.
SC: “There’s no heat and it’s really cold out. I mean, this isn’t even like our usual winter. This is a DEEP FREEZE.”
Hah. Ah, you must be one of those people that ends up in a ditch in your tricked out Honda Civic every year. Because you have some sort of weird mental block that prevents you from remembering the fact that winter exists. Every single year when winter actually hits you freak out and stay huddled in your home terrified of the frigid sky powder. What madness is this!? You ask. For surely you’ve never seen anything like this in your entire life despite the fact it was here last year and the year before that, and the year before that.
You don’t know what to do with it, you don’t know how to drive in it and when forced to actually ventured into it unexposed you spend all your time drunkenly staggering and shaking like a new born deer as you try to figure out how to walk again now that the ground has a delicious frosted coating.
But yes, this a deep freeze. I mean it’s what? -3 out? Truly we are on the verge of an ice age and must begin stockpiling fur & berries and sharpening broom handles into spears for the inevitable woolly mammoth hunting that will surely become our main source of food and clothing by January.
Whimper
Me: “Can I help you?”
SC: “Yes, ma’am.”
So not only have you robbed me of my patience, compassion and humanity, you must take my manhood as well? Very well. Go ahead. Take it. See if I care. You have everything else anyway. You may as well take it. Heck, you know what? I’ll mail it to you. UPS it even. Give me a minute I’ll get you a tracking number. What should I write on it for customs? "1 x Used Jibbles"?
and JAM IT IN~
SC: “The hotel told my daughter they have no rooms left.”
Me: “Yes. Unfortunately, I’m not showing any vacancies at that hotel.”
SC: “Can’t you just squeeze her in?!”
Squeeze her in where exactly? Would you like me to get the hotel to go door to door and ask the guests if anyone would mind if some random stranger slept in their tub for the night? No worries, just pull the curtain over if you need to take a whizz. Or were you thinking more like give her a little nook under the front desk or a cranny in the janitor’s closet or something? There are no rooms there. Your pleading will not change that. I cannot produce 1 from 0. If I could I would not be working here. I would be a multi-billionaire laughing and waving at you from the boarding gate of my private jet with "A WINNER IS ME" emblazoned on the tail while you’re stuck in the airport because you foolishly selected an airline that really only has about a 50% chance of reaching its destination to begin with. Nevermind during a blizzard.
SC: “She has a sick dog with her and she’s just having a bad day.”
Oh, well, now that you’re playing the sympathy card she's automatically more important than the other 2000 stranded travellers. By all means, please, we’ll scour the hotel to find a guest more fortunate than her and eject them to make room. I mean, after all they had no trouble at all finding a room, none of them are sick, they’re chillin’ out watching Die Hard 2 on Cinemax and they’ve had a pretty good day so far. So screw those people. They can spend the night on the street tonight. Them and Bruce Willis.
Hot Tips
The Bloc Quebecois isn’t really left wing. That’s just something media keeps saying. They’re really right wing Americans whom I guess are merely here to attempt to undermine and destroy the unity of Canada and speak French really well. The media just says otherwise because the Queen controls the media and the Queen deems that the Bloc be portrayed as left wing. Therefore they are left wing. Because the Queen wills it. Why the Queen wants to destroy us, I do not know and my buzzed out drunken teleprophet did not elaborate.
I hope you're taking notes.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
SC: “Can you get <name> to call me in the morning?”
Me: “Sure.”
15 minutes later.
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Hey, do you think <name> would be up?”
Me: “I don’t think so….it’s pretty late.”
SC: “Ok, no problem. I won’t bother you again.”
Literally 5 seconds later.
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Hey, does he like dolls?”
Me: “….what? I…..don’t think so...”
SC: “Does he like golf?”
Me: “I have no idea.”
SC: “Ok, sorry for bothering you.”
If you’re next question is something like “Hey, what does he taste like?” I’m hanging up on you. There are limits to my knowledge of our clients and my comfort zone when discussing their likes, dislikes, tastes and textures. Especially dolls, where the Hell did dolls come from? Where you scouring the Yellowpages for a lawyer, spotted this office and thought "I bet he likes to play with pretty, pretty things."
You Poor Thing
SC: “I’ve been under siege for 2 years!”
Ok, stop right there. It really doesn’t matter what you say now. Because with an opening statement like that you’ve all but ensured that regardless of what your problem is, I probably can’t help you with it and you will eventually blame this failure of resolution on me. So let’s just stop right here and cut directly to the chase: We’ll just say nothing’s going to be done about you problem and its all entirely my fault, ok? That’s where this is going to go anyway so we may as well just distill your illogical ranting down to the bare essentials and save us both 10 minutes of our lives.
Rated E for Entitlement
Ok, there are many things I can do for you. I have many tools at my disposal to provide you with assistance, mercy and sanctuary. However, there are a few things I cannot do for you and a few points you seem to be unable to grasp:
1) Strangely enough the hotels are the ones that set the room rates. Not moi. There is little sense in blaming me for the expense. Perhaps you should blame the airline or maybe even yourself for attempting to fly into a snowstorm and not planning for possible delays or missed connections.
2) The hotel is setting the amount of rooms too. If the hotel tells us they have rooms, we have little choice but to work with that information. If the hotel does not have rooms, but is telling us they do, than you should be beating the person at the front desk after you finish beating the desk clerk at US Airways.
3) I cannot give you another hotel for the same rate as the first hotel. See number #1.
4) I will not pay the difference.
5) I am not paying for cab fare to take you to the hotel.
6) Despite your argument and attitude, you are not entitled to any of the above in exchange for your "inconvenience" as you seem to think. An error by the hotel or the airline in no way obligates me to give you me’ pot of gold let alone me Lucky Charms.
7) Repeating your demands will not make me concede to them as you did not even have the foresight to take a hostage. Once again showing a distinct lack of planning on your part.
8) After acting like a buttwhistle and trying to argue with me for 10 minutes you cannot suddenly turn around and begin acting like I'm the one with the problem and you’re “Just trying to help us out” and “Well its fine if you don’t want my help, I mean, I’m just trying to help *you* guys out here.”. You have not assisted us in any way. All you have assisted me in doing is making people far far more deserving of my time than you wait longer to find shelter.
9) You have successfully eliminated any and all sympathy I had for you as well as any inclination I had to assist you by acting like a petulant child rather than dealing with this like an adult.
10) Bad dog. No biscuit.
I Require Additional Information
Ok, I believe I’ve had to mention this a few times tonight already but when I ask where you are and you say “The airport” that does not in any way help me determine your location. Oddly enough there is more than one airport in the country in fact they practically build them everywhere surprisingly enough. I know, it sounds crazy, but see in order for a plane to fly somewhere else it must have an airport to depart from and an airport to land at. They do not simply pull up to your front door, drop you off, then take off again.
Right, ok, sit down a minute. Let’s explore this together. See, you got on a plane right? You had to have been at an airport to get on a plane. Because, as I said, they do not just land on your street and taxi up to your lawn for you. So you had to go to an airport. That’s one. You got on a plane and you were taking that plane to go somewhere else. Right? That somewhere else would be another airport. Because planes need airports to land so they don’t plow into the ground and burst into flames. So that’s two. While you were going to that airport, that airport got shut down and you were diverted to the airport you’re at now. Right? So that’s three. Three airports. ( AH AH AH AH )
So, there must be at least 3 airports in your small, dimly lit world. If you had stopped for even a moment while the recording was playing to connect at the very least 2 to of these dots you would have realized that the answer “the airport” was woefully insufficient. However, you were too busy humming along with the on hold music and lustfully licking a Slim Jim wrapper you found on the floor in baggage claim to contemplate such deep thoughts.
<3 RCMP
Cop: “He said his lawyer was <name>."
Me: “Hmmm….I don’t have any <name>....”
Cop: “I can double check with him again. Can I put you on hold a minute?”
Me: “Sure”
Cop: “Thanks. <click> HOOGA CHAKA HOOGA HOOGA HOOGA CHAKA HOOGA HOOGA HOOGA CHAKA-”
This is why the RCMP are awesome.
Now you're just being mean
Me: “Alright, do you have a pen there?”
SC: “Yes….hang on a sec. I’m on that moving sidewalk thing.”
Me: “Ok.”
SC: “I have to get off this thing before I get myself killed!"
Oh you tease, getting my hopes up like that.
MY RING~
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: “Yeah, we’re passengers off of flight xxx.”
Me: “Ok, are you calling to book a room?”
SC: “We’ve been flying with US Airways.”
Me: “Yes. Are you calling for a hotel?”
SC: “We’re flying with US Airways.”
Me: “Ok, but are you calling for a hotel?”
Answer. The. Question. This is the first hurdle you must overcome if you want to proceed any further. It is the first challenge. The first trial. The first throw away question on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ( Hint: The answer isn't "Elephant" ). The first Labour of Hercules. If you cannot answer this simple yes or no question, you cannot advance the quest and will be no closer to obtaining the Holy Grail of a discounted hotel room and than that damn little centaur bastard will mock you incessantly. I for one will shed no tears for your failure but Newton is going to keep reminding you of it every 3 seconds for the next 15 minutes until the commercial break.
Pro Tip
SC: “Ok, on Thursday, December 15th. Oh, you can just put T-H-U-R for Thursday and just D-E-C for December. Tell him I faxed 11 pages to-oh, and you can just put 11. Like the numbers rather than spelling it out like eleven. To save space.”
….yes, thank you for the pro tips. In all my years of attempting to cram novellas worth of information into 2-3 lines of pager space it never occurred to me to just use numbers and abbreviations to save space. Clearly you possess the strategy guide that I neglected to purchase before I began playing Call of Duty 4: Modern CSR. You are l33t. I am n00b. SCHOOL ME, MASTER.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Deux
SC: “The fridge made this click and a pop, than there was a burning smell and smoke.”
Me: “Hmmm….ok, well-“
SC: “I’m looking at the manual here and it says that you may hear pops or clicks when you first plug it in….so that’s not. The compressor might make noise after defrosting when they expand and contract. But there was a burning smell too….”
Me: “Yes, that’s the problem. Its possible fire hazard.“
SC: “Do you think there might be a monster back there?”
ME: “Haha, probably not, no.”
SC: “No, seriously.”
Me: “……no. No there isn’t.”
Its amazing how one line can change the tone of the entire conversation. You know I’ve had appliances fail on me before too. I even had my fridge die a couple years back. But the possibility of monster invention as a probable cause never entered my mind. In fact I haven’t considered the possibility of monster invention as an explanation for anything since I was 6. Back than they were potentially responsible for just about anything from strange noises in the night to GI Joes that went MIA to waking up in the morning with bed head.
The worst part of this was she sounded seriously afraid. The possibility was utterly rational in her world. Though applying the word rational to it is a stretch.
Interception
SC: “I placed an order and I just noticed today that your shipping is like 10-14 days?”
Me: “Yes, regular shipping takes about 10 business days.”
SC: “But I need it by Christmas! Is there any way to make it express?!”
ou want me to attempt to expedite an order that’s already been shipped to get it to you by the 25th because you somehow managed to place an order without once reading anything about the shipping? I’m not sure how you missed the shipping since, well, it asks you to pay for the shipping and gives you various shipping options to choose from.
That aside, your parcel is not equipped with a GPS tracking beacon and I do not happen to have a GPS unit with satellite uplink surgically grafted into my arm which I can consult to locate your parcel’s physical location before I dispatch a team of highly trained ninjas to secure it and swiftly transport it to your location via cool ninja things like hopping from tree to tree and leaping over rooftops with that "fwish fwish" noise. Though admitted, that would be pretty cool. I could give people directions by sticking my hand in their face and make the ninja’s do my grocery shopping and vacuum my house.
Er…ok, what was I talking about again? Oh, right. Your parcel. Umm…well, as I said my arm cannot uplink to space and Canada Post probably doesn’t employ many ninjas ( and if they do we wouldn't know because they're ninjas. ) so…er….no, no there isn’t. Sorry.
Sure, whatever.
Me: “Ok, the confirmation number 0-0-1-7"
SC: “Ok, 0-0-...than what?"
Me: “1-7.”
SC: “Ok, so 001F?”
….sure, F. 001F. Heck, I’ll just stand back and let you keep making up the rest of the number yourself. It seems like you have a talent and it would be wrong of me to suppress your potential. I wouldn't want to rob the world of your gifts.
Its Been A Long Night
You know it’s been a long night when you get a call for Security 2 at the <building> and actually say out loud: “Security 2, I choose you!”.
Luckily, I'm alone here. So very alone.
Criteria
Ok, its officially winter. How do you tell? Well, its officially winter when by the time you get to work you’re leaking fluid out of every hole in your head. Yes, that’s the criteria. I had plenty of time to determine this criteria while waiting for my bus that never came, hence my tardiness this evening. I still don’t know where it is. I finally gave up and started walking. It never showed up as I walk along the route. Nor was it was at the station when I arrived. So I assume it’s on fire in a ditch somewhere in New West with the driver and passengers standing around outside holding their hands to the wreckage to keep warm.
Dude Looks Like a Lady
SC: “Last time I ordered I accidentally ordered the women’s. It was really bad you know cus it was too loose and hard to walk in at work. I guess cus it was for hips or something.”
Wait, ok, so last time you accidentally ordered women’s cloths but rather than exchange them for the right cloths you decided you’d just wear women’s clothes to work instead? I think most guys would have just exchanged them…..are you going to “accidentally” order a skirt and handbag this time? Because we do have some lovely ones. Though as you said you don’t really have any hips so we’ll have to find one that works with your figure. We have some darling babydoll tanktops too. You may as well go for the whole outfit. Make sure you’re coordinated. I mean, if you’re going to make a "mistake" it may as well be a fabulous mistake.
<sob>
Me: “Ok, and how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “Just one please. Only takes one to win.”
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “Make sure I win!”
…ok, you clearly missed yesterday’s Public Service Announcement. I cannot make sure you win. I can, however, make sure you lose. So you might want to keep that in mind before making any further weak attempts at humour. Lest you displease me.
Yes, Yes We Do
SC: “I want to place an order”
Me: “Sure-“
SC: “I know you guys sometimes ask fer like a name and what not..”
Yes, generally we like knowing who we’re mailing our merchandise too. Especially if we’re banking on them paying cash on delivery. So you’re going to have to pony up a moniker if you want to progress any further and no, I will not accept “Mr Snuggles”, “Snagra The Ham Lord.” or you AIM screen name “YetiLuver17”. It has to be relatively believable.
Put it Down
Me: “Good evening, <industrial company>.”
SC: “Are you a Jenny Craig consultant?”
Me: “….no, you have the wrong number. Sorry.”
SC: “This isn’t Jenny Craig?”
Me: “No.”
I’ve been mistaken for a lot of things over the years: Taxi dispatch, phone sex operator, World of Warcraft Tech Support ( Ironically on this *same line* ), but Jenny Craig is a new one. Why are you even calling Jenny Craig at 2 in the morning anyway? Are you having a Cookie Crisis and need immediate snack avoidance counseling? Because I can actually help you there:
Put the cookie down.
Seriously, Down.
Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Blacksmith”
Me: “Pardon? Can you spell it for me please?”
SC: “B-L-A….uh…C-H….K? M-I-T….um…H?”
Me: “……..”
SC: “….....”
Me: “So...…Blacksmith?”
SC: “Uh, yeah!”
So not only did you fail to spell your own name but you didn’t even catch it when I gave you a small window of opportunity to go “Hey, wait just one moment there Jeeves! I do believe that was somewhat incorrect and there’s a rather large chance I have just portrayed myself as a total chav. That just won’t do! I had better correct this, post haste!”. But no, you just plowed right on through all proud of yourself for having made an attempt at spelling. I bet you promised yourself a cookie later if you managed to place this call all by yourself.
Put the cookie down.
GK's Modern Life
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Alright, what’s the area code?”
SC: “Uhhh…..huh?”
Me: “The area code for your phone number?”
SC: “Uh…Manitoba?”
Me: “…no, can I have the area code for your phone number please?”
SC: “…..umm…….Mani…toba?”
Me: “…no. I need the area code for your phone number.”
SC: “…uhhhh….”
You know, <supervisor> asked me if I do anything aside from sleep and work during my work week. Well, yes, yes I do actually: Cry.
There.
Me: “Alright, do you have a pen there?”
SC: “Where?”
I thought “there” was pretty self explanatory. By “there” I mean…well…there. Your current location. The immediate space around you. That’s there. Conversely I am here. Here is different from there. You are there although to you, that there is here and my here is there. …..ok I’m really not helping, am I?
Put the cookie do-…..er…..nevermind.
Displeasure
Alright, so, you were driving erratically and the police caught up with you at a restaurant. You refused the breathalyzer and sobriety tests. So they gave you a 24 hour driving suspension and towed your car. You’re actually calling because you’re unhappy about this. Rather than ecstatic that you are not in a jail cell with a DUI charge on your head contemplating how to go about showering from here on out without dropping anything.
If I was you I’d be kissing the cop’s feet for being so lenient. But than again that too might land you in a jail cell with a DUI charge on your head.
...wha?
SC: “Where are the cashmere items made?”
Me: “They're made in Nepal.”
SC: “Oh. Ok. So does the material come from North Carolina than?”
….you have utterly no idea what cashmere is do you? The material is actually coming from Nepalese goat shavers at an altitude of some odd 14,000 feet. So no, not North Carolina. Where the hell did that even come from? Is cashmere normally a big export in North Carolina? Is there some sort of Carolina Mountain Goat I'm unaware of that's highly coveted for its downy underbelly?
!@?#$?
Me: “Good evening, <comp-"
SC: “I GONNA MAKE A MONEY!~@$”
Jesus Christ! Don't hurt me! What do you want!? Money? Take my wallet!
Me: “…….do you want to place an order…?”
SC: “Yes!”
Whew, ok. That I understand. I was confused and frightened there for a moment.
Me: “Alright, and by Credit or COD?”
SC: “Yes.”
Me: “….by credit card, or by COD?”
SC: “No.”
Ok, I’m confused and frightened again. Take my wallet.
Gah, ok, thats enough....I still have yet more but there's just too much. She can't take much more, cap'n~
what was she 5 years old, trying to sound like an adult?
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