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Miscellaneous Misery
Now that I've moderately recovered, I shall resume detailing last week:
Still....East.
SC: "Can I talk to <name>?"
Me: "Sorry, no one's in the office yet. We're on the west coast so its only 1am here."
SC: "Ooooh, sorry. I thought you were some eastern place."
....even if we were it'd still only be 4-5am depending on how far east you want to go before you run out of land. That's still not remotely close to the promised hour when this office throws forth its doors and showers you with all of its financial consulting glory. Unless you mean, you know, East, east. Like Silk Road east. In which case the office would have technically been open for about another 20 minutes. So I guess I can't fault you there.
Well, I can. But I'm tired and even your naive stupidity fails to amuse me. After everything else I've been handling tonight its going to take more than "Duuurrr, time zones R hard" to even begin to impress me. So those of you clamouring for precious space in my scriptures are going to have to put in some extra effort tonight if you want your faults recorded for the ages.
You did, did you?
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "Yeah, hi, I placed an order an 15 minutes ago and I'd like to add somethin' else to it."
Me: "You did? Hmmm...we haven't taken any orders in the last 15 minutes."
( I should know, I'm the only one here. )
SC: "Oh uh....it should be under Numbnuts"
Me: "I'm not seeing any order under that name....are you sure it was 15 minutes ago?"
SC: "Uhhh.....maybe it was an hour ago."
Me: "I have no orders placed under that name in the last hour either."
( Or *any* orders. )
SC: "uhhhh.....hmm..."
Me: "Are you sure it was placed this evening?"
SC: "Maybe it was yesterday?"
Me: "....ok. Well if it was placed yesterday it would have already been shipped out. I'm afraid I can't change it."
SC: "Oh."
P.S. There's no order under your name from yesterday either. I actually became curious as to the width and depth of your failure and began searching back to see when this blessed event truly occurred: 6 days ago. Almost a full week ago. Which means there's a fairly good possibility it's already at the post office there, waiting for you.
I'm not sure if you have so little faith in us you thought we'd just sit on your order for a full week before we finished picking the lint out of ass and got around to shipping it. Or if you somehow believe we possess fairy magiks and are capable of instantly transporting matter over large distances at our whim. In which case do you really think we'd be shipping it Canada Post? Fark no. I'd just beam it directly to your adobe, neatly folded and smelling faintly of lilac and spring.
Unless you annoy me in which case part of your order might get shifted into your nasal cavity and require professional medical attention to remove. But I'll leave you to explain to friends, relatives and medical staff why you crammed half a pant leg from your new track pants up your left nostril.
Give Me Some Credit
SC: "Does the hotel have a shuttle?"
Me: "No it doesn't sorry. I have nothing left with a shuttle this evening. However the hotel is very close by so-"
SC: "I HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD WITH ME!! DO YOU KNOW HOW COLD IT IS OUTSIDE!?!? I'M NOT WALKING WITH MY SON IN THIS WEATHER!@$"
Me: ".....so the cab fare shouldn't be too bad."
SC: "....."
Me: "....."
SC: ".....oh. Sorry."
Give me some credit here. I know I'm widely considered a dark, malevolent entity that harbours little more than resentment and scorn for the majority of the human race but I am here to help. My shriveled, black heart may have no capacity for love, understanding or compassion but as long as someone keeps signing my paycheques I will do everything in my power to assist you.
Besides, I'd never bring misfortune upon a child.......they cry too easily. Its just not sporting.
Another Fashion Mystery
"Drunken Black Plaid". Pants. Yes, I know, I too was confused momentarily. What is drunken plaid? Why does it exist? What would possess you to don yourself in it? Well, I cannot answer the latter two questions, but I shall take a crack at the first: Judging by the catalog "drunken plaid" just means "plaid we were too lazy to make sure the pattern lined up properly on". Basically you take plaid and subtract effort and viola: New fashion craze.
Math is Hard
SC: "What time does the main office open?"
Me: "They're in at 7am this morning."
SC: "Oh, what time is it now?"
Me: "4am. So another 3 hours."
SC: "What? I thought you guys were only 2 hours behind us?"
( I don't know who or where "us" is so whats the use in asking? )
Me: "I'm not sure where you are. But its 4am locally. So they'll be in in 3 hours."
SC: "But its 7am here already. So yeah, see, we're 2 hours ahead."
Me: "......"
SC: "I'll call em back in 2 hours."
You do that. I'll look forward to speaking with you again and attempting to walk you through basic math a second time. Heck, I'll make some sandwiches and get some cookies. We can have a play date.
LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
Jesus, its like they can smell me.
I was on my way home and waiting for my bus at the bus loop in the frigid winds. I wanted little more than to return to the warmth of my lair and hibernate until the world needed my power once more. When this vapid she-creature waddles up to the guy near me and very loudly asks him what time such and such bus arrives. Now, in order to grasp this man's surprise you have to realize that the bus stop for x bus with the full schedule for x bus was about 10 feet away and she had to walk by it to reach the man in question.
He professed no knowledge as it wasn't his bus. Having lost interest, the she-creature moves away from him.
Than she wanders over to the far side of the bus loop and repeats the same demand to some random woman over there. That woman too does not know seeing as that woman is on the far side of the bus loop and waiting for an entirely different bus.
Now you can see where this is going. She wanders back to this side of the bus loop and spots me. A guy with glasses. Glasses = smart. Obviously, I must know the answers to everything from bus schedules to the very secrets of the universe as I get asked crap on the street all the time. So she waddles over to me......I'm standing like 40-50 feet away from the x bus stop, wandering about to keep warm. But x bus is my bus. So sadly, I do possess knowledge of it. Thus this ensued....
SC: "DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE X BUS COMES?!"
( Yes, no hi or excuse me or anything. Just froth. )
Me: "The next one should be here at 8:30."
SC: "Oh. What time is it now!?!?"
Me: "About 8:20."
SC: "Oh. So it'll be here soon1?!!?"
Me: "...yes, in about 10 minutes."
SC: "Well what about Y bus?! I need Y bus!"
( Y bus follows the same route as X to begin with than keeps going after that to the next Skytrain station. I can take either as I don't go that far. But at the same it means I might end up on the same bus with this creature. )
Me: "I don't know about Y, sorry. I don't have to take it. I think it comes by once every half hour or so. If you go over to the bus stop there and check the schedule on the sign the Y bus times will be marked there."
SC: "Can you go check it for me!?"
( Remember, I'm not standing anywhere near the stop )
Me: "...what? No."
SC: "Why not!?"
Me: "I'm waiting for my bus. Just go over to the schedule there and check Y"
SC: "What?! Why not?!"
Me: "Hey, you know what? I'm just going to walk."
( At this point I just turn and walk away from her )
SC: "Why would you want to do that?!"
Yes. Why indeed. You aren't going to leave me the fuck alone regardless of what I say and I'll be damned if I'm listening to you whine, piss and moan at me for the next 20 minutes till I get home because I won't comply with your demands. I can walk there in that time anyway.
I'm just going to start hissing at anyone that speaks to me in public.
Still....East.
SC: "Can I talk to <name>?"
Me: "Sorry, no one's in the office yet. We're on the west coast so its only 1am here."
SC: "Ooooh, sorry. I thought you were some eastern place."
....even if we were it'd still only be 4-5am depending on how far east you want to go before you run out of land. That's still not remotely close to the promised hour when this office throws forth its doors and showers you with all of its financial consulting glory. Unless you mean, you know, East, east. Like Silk Road east. In which case the office would have technically been open for about another 20 minutes. So I guess I can't fault you there.
Well, I can. But I'm tired and even your naive stupidity fails to amuse me. After everything else I've been handling tonight its going to take more than "Duuurrr, time zones R hard" to even begin to impress me. So those of you clamouring for precious space in my scriptures are going to have to put in some extra effort tonight if you want your faults recorded for the ages.
You did, did you?
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "Yeah, hi, I placed an order an 15 minutes ago and I'd like to add somethin' else to it."
Me: "You did? Hmmm...we haven't taken any orders in the last 15 minutes."
( I should know, I'm the only one here. )
SC: "Oh uh....it should be under Numbnuts"
Me: "I'm not seeing any order under that name....are you sure it was 15 minutes ago?"
SC: "Uhhh.....maybe it was an hour ago."
Me: "I have no orders placed under that name in the last hour either."
( Or *any* orders. )
SC: "uhhhh.....hmm..."
Me: "Are you sure it was placed this evening?"
SC: "Maybe it was yesterday?"
Me: "....ok. Well if it was placed yesterday it would have already been shipped out. I'm afraid I can't change it."
SC: "Oh."
P.S. There's no order under your name from yesterday either. I actually became curious as to the width and depth of your failure and began searching back to see when this blessed event truly occurred: 6 days ago. Almost a full week ago. Which means there's a fairly good possibility it's already at the post office there, waiting for you.
I'm not sure if you have so little faith in us you thought we'd just sit on your order for a full week before we finished picking the lint out of ass and got around to shipping it. Or if you somehow believe we possess fairy magiks and are capable of instantly transporting matter over large distances at our whim. In which case do you really think we'd be shipping it Canada Post? Fark no. I'd just beam it directly to your adobe, neatly folded and smelling faintly of lilac and spring.
Unless you annoy me in which case part of your order might get shifted into your nasal cavity and require professional medical attention to remove. But I'll leave you to explain to friends, relatives and medical staff why you crammed half a pant leg from your new track pants up your left nostril.
Give Me Some Credit
SC: "Does the hotel have a shuttle?"
Me: "No it doesn't sorry. I have nothing left with a shuttle this evening. However the hotel is very close by so-"
SC: "I HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD WITH ME!! DO YOU KNOW HOW COLD IT IS OUTSIDE!?!? I'M NOT WALKING WITH MY SON IN THIS WEATHER!@$"
Me: ".....so the cab fare shouldn't be too bad."
SC: "....."
Me: "....."
SC: ".....oh. Sorry."
Give me some credit here. I know I'm widely considered a dark, malevolent entity that harbours little more than resentment and scorn for the majority of the human race but I am here to help. My shriveled, black heart may have no capacity for love, understanding or compassion but as long as someone keeps signing my paycheques I will do everything in my power to assist you.
Besides, I'd never bring misfortune upon a child.......they cry too easily. Its just not sporting.
Another Fashion Mystery
"Drunken Black Plaid". Pants. Yes, I know, I too was confused momentarily. What is drunken plaid? Why does it exist? What would possess you to don yourself in it? Well, I cannot answer the latter two questions, but I shall take a crack at the first: Judging by the catalog "drunken plaid" just means "plaid we were too lazy to make sure the pattern lined up properly on". Basically you take plaid and subtract effort and viola: New fashion craze.
Math is Hard
SC: "What time does the main office open?"
Me: "They're in at 7am this morning."
SC: "Oh, what time is it now?"
Me: "4am. So another 3 hours."
SC: "What? I thought you guys were only 2 hours behind us?"
( I don't know who or where "us" is so whats the use in asking? )
Me: "I'm not sure where you are. But its 4am locally. So they'll be in in 3 hours."
SC: "But its 7am here already. So yeah, see, we're 2 hours ahead."
Me: "......"
SC: "I'll call em back in 2 hours."
You do that. I'll look forward to speaking with you again and attempting to walk you through basic math a second time. Heck, I'll make some sandwiches and get some cookies. We can have a play date.
LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
Jesus, its like they can smell me.
I was on my way home and waiting for my bus at the bus loop in the frigid winds. I wanted little more than to return to the warmth of my lair and hibernate until the world needed my power once more. When this vapid she-creature waddles up to the guy near me and very loudly asks him what time such and such bus arrives. Now, in order to grasp this man's surprise you have to realize that the bus stop for x bus with the full schedule for x bus was about 10 feet away and she had to walk by it to reach the man in question.
He professed no knowledge as it wasn't his bus. Having lost interest, the she-creature moves away from him.
Than she wanders over to the far side of the bus loop and repeats the same demand to some random woman over there. That woman too does not know seeing as that woman is on the far side of the bus loop and waiting for an entirely different bus.
Now you can see where this is going. She wanders back to this side of the bus loop and spots me. A guy with glasses. Glasses = smart. Obviously, I must know the answers to everything from bus schedules to the very secrets of the universe as I get asked crap on the street all the time. So she waddles over to me......I'm standing like 40-50 feet away from the x bus stop, wandering about to keep warm. But x bus is my bus. So sadly, I do possess knowledge of it. Thus this ensued....
SC: "DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE X BUS COMES?!"
( Yes, no hi or excuse me or anything. Just froth. )
Me: "The next one should be here at 8:30."
SC: "Oh. What time is it now!?!?"
Me: "About 8:20."
SC: "Oh. So it'll be here soon1?!!?"
Me: "...yes, in about 10 minutes."
SC: "Well what about Y bus?! I need Y bus!"
( Y bus follows the same route as X to begin with than keeps going after that to the next Skytrain station. I can take either as I don't go that far. But at the same it means I might end up on the same bus with this creature. )
Me: "I don't know about Y, sorry. I don't have to take it. I think it comes by once every half hour or so. If you go over to the bus stop there and check the schedule on the sign the Y bus times will be marked there."
SC: "Can you go check it for me!?"
( Remember, I'm not standing anywhere near the stop )
Me: "...what? No."
SC: "Why not!?"
Me: "I'm waiting for my bus. Just go over to the schedule there and check Y"
SC: "What?! Why not?!"
Me: "Hey, you know what? I'm just going to walk."
( At this point I just turn and walk away from her )
SC: "Why would you want to do that?!"
Yes. Why indeed. You aren't going to leave me the fuck alone regardless of what I say and I'll be damned if I'm listening to you whine, piss and moan at me for the next 20 minutes till I get home because I won't comply with your demands. I can walk there in that time anyway.
I'm just going to start hissing at anyone that speaks to me in public.
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