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Hear ye, hear ye! Kusanagi's royal decree!
Okay, I need to reiterate for my own sanity. These are the rules for when you come into my store and do business with me.
1) I am the only one working here, 99% of the time. If there is more than one group in the store, I will help and approach you in the order you came in. I don't care if it's "only going to take a second," or you "only have one question." You will wait your turn. The reason? If you're serious about buying from me, you can wait five minutes while I enter the information from one order into the computer, and we both know it.
2) If you tell me that you are just looking and tell me to "talk to the hand" by shoving it in my face, then I will assume you ARE just looking and I will drop you out of the rotational list. Don't get offended if I don't hear you sigh heavily and throw forlorn glances in my direction. Which brings me to...
3) If you have a question, ask me. I get paid to answer questions. There is no question that I cannot answer, and yes, I encourage you to ask me questions because our products are completely different and confusing. We sell merchandise from five different companies - each has their own specialties and limitations.
4) There is a delivery charge. Do not get offended when I tell you that everyone who offers free delivery hosed you by charging way too much and blinded you with a free delivery offer. We have about a 25-40% markup. You buy a mattress in the last year or shop at (major competitor)? They have a markup as high as 300% on some items. I know. I used to work for them.
5) No, you do NOT know more about our product or policies than I do. Neither does the friend you brought with you to hold your hand.
6) If you don't want to buy, just be honest. Don't make up an excuse of going out to your car, don't say you'll come back when you have no intention of doing it. If I spend an hour with you, and you make the decision not to buy, TELL ME. If we don't have what you're looking for, then maybe I can save you time and money and point you in the direction of what you're seeking. I know all the product and policies of damn near all the stores in our area, and I will still be helpful if you are honest. Telling a salesman that you'll be back to try to save face and make it easier on him has the OPPOSITE effect of what you are trying to acheive.
7) Do not come behind my desk to stare at my computer screen and try to make sense of our computer system. You won't understand it, and it would be much easier for me to just write the order and put you on the delivery truck than for me to explain every screen to you.
8) No we don't discount. No military, cash, credit, financing, day-of-the-week, "good customer" or whatever other types of discount you can come up with. The majority of discounts salesmen offer you are for whatever reason they can pull out of their ass so they can get the sale. Trust me, I used to do it. It's alot fairer to me, and to you that everyone gets treated fairly.
9) No, I cannot have them rush a special order. If you want the imported sofa from China in the highest quality leather we carry, do not walk in on Thursday and expect us to deliver it in a week. We quote four months for imports, and that's an industry standard. We do not have a fleet of 747's that can fly furniture over for you as soon as it's made.
10) I can do almost nothing from a showroom level, so please do not yell at me when you call me because your sofa was delivered "F-CKING BROKEN". We'll take care of it. That's why we have policies. We take care of everyone, but you need to understand that we can't stop a whole day of deliveries to drive back to the warehouse 200 miles to the north and drive back down just to replace the sofa. Give it a week.
11) If you buy from me in the morning and are unsure if it will fit, I explain the policy clearly to you. If you find out it won't work, call me back the SAME DAY and I can void the credit card transaction. If you don't, and I close the batch, it will take a week or two for the refund - I cannot magically pick up the phone or hit a button to credit the money back to your account. If after I explain all this, and you call me back the next morning, it doesn't matter if you try to call from half an hour before we open, every five minutes. I closed the batch last night. You will need to wait for your refund.
12) Yes, there is still a delivery fee.
13) The sale ended three days ago. The dates are on the flyer. I will not honor the sale price, when the dates were clearly listed. When the sale is over, it is over. Screaming at me will make me want to help you all the more on this issue, so please, call me every name in the book you can imagine and some words you can make up. How will I help? I will provide you with contact information for several adult night schools and GED programs to help you with your illiteracy problem because you can not see the gigantic "SALE ENDS ON SUNDAY" add in the paper, nor can you seem to get a firm grasp on the passage of time to know we ran the sale for two weeks and you just NOW got in.
14) I will not take any shit you throw at me. I will not bend down and lick your boots if you have a condescending attitude. My bills are paid and I don't need the commission on your sale to make my ends meet. I am not paid to take your abuse.
15) If you threaten me with anything that is along the lines of "You're going to lose the sale," or "You're going to lose the commission," I will openly laugh and say "Sorry, that doesn't work." Please take that little gem, because it is true no matter WHERE you go.
16) The management WILL take my side over yours if you lie, especially if you come off like a pompous ass.
17) If you're having an issue and are calling me back every ten minutes until it is solved, please, rest assured I am doing everything I can to solve it strictly for the sole purpose of getting you to shut the hell up.
18) No, I can't get around the delivery charge by having it brought HERE for you to pick it up.
19) I can not help you load anything you buy off of the floor into your car. It's a legal issue. I can get fired if I do. What? You can't pick it up? Oh, you don't want a refund either? Well I can put you in contact with a local company that can deliver floor product. Yes, they will charge. No, I am not, as you so eloquently put it, a "motherf-cker." At least, not for the reasons you are mentioning loudly.
20) The state requires we give a 4 hour window for delivery. We do. We cannot deliver the furniture in the five minutes between Dr. Phil and Oprah. If you can't be home, RESCHEDULE. Do NOT magically HOPE we will show up in those five minutes when our window is 48 times the size of that. If you are not home, we will turn around and bring it back.
21) If you provide a wrong phone number or delivery address, don't be suprised when the drivers can't find you and we can't give you a call (happened last week, customer gave us the wrong zip code AND forgot to tell us her phone number changed). It is NOT our fault and we will NOT accomodate you based on this.
22) If you stain the sofa a week after we deliver it and you did not purchase the additional cleaning/service plan, then you are SOL. I don't care if you spent $300 or $3,000 on the sofa. If you spent $300, you should have spent the additional $100 so you wouldn't have to shell out ANOTHER $300 when you get drunk and spill your wine on it. And if you payed $3,000, why the hell DIDN'T you get the protection plan? Sorry, tough.
23) If you decide to get physical with me, unless you're a Marine, I'm going to put your ass in the hospital.
There will be more, but I've just dealt with numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 13, 19, and 22 TODAY. And it was from a handful of customers.
I shall add to this list in the future. The rest are just pet peeves I've had to deal with.
1) I am the only one working here, 99% of the time. If there is more than one group in the store, I will help and approach you in the order you came in. I don't care if it's "only going to take a second," or you "only have one question." You will wait your turn. The reason? If you're serious about buying from me, you can wait five minutes while I enter the information from one order into the computer, and we both know it.
2) If you tell me that you are just looking and tell me to "talk to the hand" by shoving it in my face, then I will assume you ARE just looking and I will drop you out of the rotational list. Don't get offended if I don't hear you sigh heavily and throw forlorn glances in my direction. Which brings me to...
3) If you have a question, ask me. I get paid to answer questions. There is no question that I cannot answer, and yes, I encourage you to ask me questions because our products are completely different and confusing. We sell merchandise from five different companies - each has their own specialties and limitations.
4) There is a delivery charge. Do not get offended when I tell you that everyone who offers free delivery hosed you by charging way too much and blinded you with a free delivery offer. We have about a 25-40% markup. You buy a mattress in the last year or shop at (major competitor)? They have a markup as high as 300% on some items. I know. I used to work for them.
5) No, you do NOT know more about our product or policies than I do. Neither does the friend you brought with you to hold your hand.
6) If you don't want to buy, just be honest. Don't make up an excuse of going out to your car, don't say you'll come back when you have no intention of doing it. If I spend an hour with you, and you make the decision not to buy, TELL ME. If we don't have what you're looking for, then maybe I can save you time and money and point you in the direction of what you're seeking. I know all the product and policies of damn near all the stores in our area, and I will still be helpful if you are honest. Telling a salesman that you'll be back to try to save face and make it easier on him has the OPPOSITE effect of what you are trying to acheive.
7) Do not come behind my desk to stare at my computer screen and try to make sense of our computer system. You won't understand it, and it would be much easier for me to just write the order and put you on the delivery truck than for me to explain every screen to you.
8) No we don't discount. No military, cash, credit, financing, day-of-the-week, "good customer" or whatever other types of discount you can come up with. The majority of discounts salesmen offer you are for whatever reason they can pull out of their ass so they can get the sale. Trust me, I used to do it. It's alot fairer to me, and to you that everyone gets treated fairly.
9) No, I cannot have them rush a special order. If you want the imported sofa from China in the highest quality leather we carry, do not walk in on Thursday and expect us to deliver it in a week. We quote four months for imports, and that's an industry standard. We do not have a fleet of 747's that can fly furniture over for you as soon as it's made.
10) I can do almost nothing from a showroom level, so please do not yell at me when you call me because your sofa was delivered "F-CKING BROKEN". We'll take care of it. That's why we have policies. We take care of everyone, but you need to understand that we can't stop a whole day of deliveries to drive back to the warehouse 200 miles to the north and drive back down just to replace the sofa. Give it a week.
11) If you buy from me in the morning and are unsure if it will fit, I explain the policy clearly to you. If you find out it won't work, call me back the SAME DAY and I can void the credit card transaction. If you don't, and I close the batch, it will take a week or two for the refund - I cannot magically pick up the phone or hit a button to credit the money back to your account. If after I explain all this, and you call me back the next morning, it doesn't matter if you try to call from half an hour before we open, every five minutes. I closed the batch last night. You will need to wait for your refund.
12) Yes, there is still a delivery fee.
13) The sale ended three days ago. The dates are on the flyer. I will not honor the sale price, when the dates were clearly listed. When the sale is over, it is over. Screaming at me will make me want to help you all the more on this issue, so please, call me every name in the book you can imagine and some words you can make up. How will I help? I will provide you with contact information for several adult night schools and GED programs to help you with your illiteracy problem because you can not see the gigantic "SALE ENDS ON SUNDAY" add in the paper, nor can you seem to get a firm grasp on the passage of time to know we ran the sale for two weeks and you just NOW got in.
14) I will not take any shit you throw at me. I will not bend down and lick your boots if you have a condescending attitude. My bills are paid and I don't need the commission on your sale to make my ends meet. I am not paid to take your abuse.
15) If you threaten me with anything that is along the lines of "You're going to lose the sale," or "You're going to lose the commission," I will openly laugh and say "Sorry, that doesn't work." Please take that little gem, because it is true no matter WHERE you go.
16) The management WILL take my side over yours if you lie, especially if you come off like a pompous ass.
17) If you're having an issue and are calling me back every ten minutes until it is solved, please, rest assured I am doing everything I can to solve it strictly for the sole purpose of getting you to shut the hell up.
18) No, I can't get around the delivery charge by having it brought HERE for you to pick it up.
19) I can not help you load anything you buy off of the floor into your car. It's a legal issue. I can get fired if I do. What? You can't pick it up? Oh, you don't want a refund either? Well I can put you in contact with a local company that can deliver floor product. Yes, they will charge. No, I am not, as you so eloquently put it, a "motherf-cker." At least, not for the reasons you are mentioning loudly.
20) The state requires we give a 4 hour window for delivery. We do. We cannot deliver the furniture in the five minutes between Dr. Phil and Oprah. If you can't be home, RESCHEDULE. Do NOT magically HOPE we will show up in those five minutes when our window is 48 times the size of that. If you are not home, we will turn around and bring it back.
21) If you provide a wrong phone number or delivery address, don't be suprised when the drivers can't find you and we can't give you a call (happened last week, customer gave us the wrong zip code AND forgot to tell us her phone number changed). It is NOT our fault and we will NOT accomodate you based on this.
22) If you stain the sofa a week after we deliver it and you did not purchase the additional cleaning/service plan, then you are SOL. I don't care if you spent $300 or $3,000 on the sofa. If you spent $300, you should have spent the additional $100 so you wouldn't have to shell out ANOTHER $300 when you get drunk and spill your wine on it. And if you payed $3,000, why the hell DIDN'T you get the protection plan? Sorry, tough.
23) If you decide to get physical with me, unless you're a Marine, I'm going to put your ass in the hospital.
There will be more, but I've just dealt with numbers 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 13, 19, and 22 TODAY. And it was from a handful of customers.
I shall add to this list in the future. The rest are just pet peeves I've had to deal with.
couldn't resist, could you rep?
I AM the evil bastard!
If only I could make - and stick to - my own list of rules...
WELCOME
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