Just give me the error message!!!

[jb17kx]

Right, let's get out the Super-8 cameras and Plus-X film and get started... I can just see a whole range of short skits in the style of a '40s/'50s documentry/propaganda films.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Right, let's get out the Super-8 cameras and Plus-X film and get started... I can just see a whole range of short skits in the style of a '40s/'50s documentry/propaganda films.

Good idea! We can call the bad guy "Vern Volcanic"

We can have the good guy act like the most wonderful, considerate, objective customer there can be, and Vern can rant and rave like a Tourette's patient off his meds.

We can even call his outbusts "Volcanic Eruptions."

[purplecat41877]

I wonder how Mr. Volcanic acts when he goes out to eat. It'd probably go something like this.

Mr. Volcanic: I want pancakes and soda.

Server: What kind of pancakes and soda would you like?

Mr. Volcanic: I want you to not ask stupid questions and get me my pancakes and soda that I asked for!

Server: I need to know what kind of pancakes and soda you want since there's more than one flavor of each.

Mr. Volcanic: I just want my pancakes and soda-HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND!?

Server: I understand but I still need to know what flavor pancakes and what flavor soda you want.

Mr. Volcanic: This is the worst service I've ever gotten at a restaurant.

Server: How am I giving you bad service?

Mr. Volcanic: You ask me stupid questions and won't serve me the food that I asked for.

Server: I'm just doing my job.

Mr. Volcanic(loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear): I'M NEVER COMING TO THIS HORRIBLE RESTAURANT AGAIN AND I HOPE THIS RESTAURANT GOES OUT OF BUSINESS!

Server: I need security at table xx.

(Security shows up and escorts Mr. Volcanic out of the restaurant. Once outside, Security tells Mr. Volcanic that he is no longer welcome at the restaurant.)

[Jester]

I swear, I never actually contemplated murder until I got this job...

That tells me that you have never worked a day of your life in the food service industry.

Speaking of which, let’s follow Mr. Volcanic as, after a tough day of dealing with idiotic phone techs, pharmacists, mechanics, and servers, he stops into a bar to have a drink and relax.

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
MV: Mr. Volcanic, our hero.
BT: Bartender, a person obviously not qualified to do anything much above cleaning monkey’s cages.

BT: Hi there! How may I help you?
MV: Gimme a beer!
BT: Certainly, sir. What kind of beer would you like?
MV: Shut the f*** up and just give me a f****** beer.
BT: Sir, I would be more than happy to provide you with a beer, but first I need to know what kind of beer you would like. Domestic? Imported? Draft? Bottle?
MV: Listen, you c********** m*****f*****, stop asking me these stupid f****** questions and just give me a f****** beer!
BT: Sir, we have over 20 varieties of beer. If you don’t tell me what you—
MV: Listen here, you f****** s***stain of a toad, if you don’t get me my m*****f****** beer right f****** now, I am going to rip your f****** head right off your f****** shoulders and shove it up you’re a**!
BT: Whatever you say, sir. Here’s your beer.
MV: Budweiser? BUDWEISER? What kind of an a****** are you? Why the f*** would you serve me a Budf******weiser? Stop trying to push this f****** p***water on me and get me MY f****** beer!
BT: But sir, you wouldn’t tell—
MV: SHUT THE F*** UP AND GET ME MY F****** BEER!

Sadly, Mr. Volcanic never did get his beer. Nor did he ever understand why the bartender refused to be cooperative and get him his beer. Nor, sadly, did he ever figure out why he shortly became the b**** for a big hairy guy named Lucky in the Grey Bar Hilton.

[curtain falls]

[XCashier]

And the final chapter in Mr. Volcanic's existence...

He finds himself at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter is checking him in...

Peter: Welcome to the afterlife sir, may I have your name, please?
Volc: What's with the f***ing question?! Just let me in, dammit!
Peter: Sir, we need to know if you belong here, or in the other place. I need your name, please.
Volc: I don't have to answer your f***ing question, you motherf***ing robe-wearing pansy! Just lemme in, NOW!
Peter: Okay, it's quite obvious where you belong. (opens trap door, sends Mr. Volcanic straight to the Tenth Level of Hell, the sewer system for the other nine layers) Have a nice eternity!

[Pezzle]

Okay guys ready? Mr. Volcanic at Circuit City's Firedog bench [The Long Lost Chapter]:

Pezzle: Hey welcome to Firedog how can I help you?
Mr. V: Yeah you guys fixed my computer, I need to pick it up.
Pezzle: Sure no problem. What kind of computer is it?
Mr. V: What's with the f*cking dumb question it's a computer I need it.
Pezzle: Well we sell and work on a variety of different manufactur-
Mr. V: Who the f*ck made you a f*cking tech you don't even knwo what a f*cking computer is!
Pezzle: Ok do you have a work order copy or a reciept?
Mr. V: These F*CKING QUESTIONS AGAIN WTF YOU ARE THE DUMBEST F*CKING TECH EVER YOU STUPID WHORE. I just want THE COMPUTER>
Pezzle: Which computer!?
Mr. V: MY COMPUTER! I NEED A F*CKING MANAGER!
Manager: What's the mouse doing to you now?
Mr. V: SHE WONT GIVE ME MY F*CKING COMPUTER YOU SHOULD F*CKING FIRE THAT STUPID C*NT!
Manager: ....-ban-

^^

[Rapscallion]

Mr Volcanic at Customerssuck.com...

Mr V: Why can nobody hear me? Why am I ******* banned?

Etc ad infinitum :P

Rapscallion

[EmiOfBrie]

I had a customer like that once....when I was doing field tech work. He was having an issue with his computer, we booted it up, it booted fine, connected to the internet fine, was nice and quick and responsive.

So I asked him what the issue was, where the error was happening, and he basically got angry that I couldn't just "fix" his computer and somehow magically "know" what was wrong with it.

Sorry, like a doctor, I can't diagnose unless I know where it hurts....and i did use that analogy too...no dice. The computer went unrepaired, if it even needed repair.

[protege]

Ugh. People suck. I had the pleasure of dealing with someone like that. In fact, I had the pleasure of working for the guy. He said he was having some problems with his computer monitor at home. Since I had multiple systems to play with, I told him to bring it in, and I'd look at it when I got a chance.

But, before I did, I tried to ask what was wrong with it. That is, did the screen flicker? did it power up? Simple questions that would have told me what was wrong with it. All I got was a reply..saying that the screen "acted goofy." Well, by goofy, did he mean those 3 things The next day, I come in, and there's a 19" monitor sitting on my desk.

I plugged it into one of my terminals, and fired it up. Imagine my surprise when the screen worked like it was supposed to. I told the boss that there was nothing wrong, and he kept insisting I didn't know what I was doing. Then he claimed I was being "insubordinate" and told me to watch the screen and fix it, since that was "what I pay you for." OK, fine. I sat in front of it all afternoon. Again, no problems!

Er, that was, until our 3rd party tech came in. Boss finally told *him* what the true problem was--the screen would sometimes go black, then a bit wavy, then come back to normal. In other words, it was degaussing itself. Now, why the hell couldn't he have told me that the first time?

[Dingwell]

That tells me that you have never worked a day of your life in the food service industry.

Actually... three years working a hamburger stand on a beach and two years as a bartender and four years as a donut baker.

I stand by my statement, I never contemplated murder until I worked in tech support. In my other jobs if we had customers that heinious, we'd call the police and enjoy the beatdown.

Seriously, can you imagine anyone with more police influence than a donut baker? I had a couple of rowdy drunks one morning hassling my nightstaff and had to call the cops and it didn't even take two minutes for two cars and the paddy wagon to show up.

What can I say? My fritters were legendary.

Dingwell

[MadMike]

Mr Volcanic at Customerssuck.com...

Mr V: Why can nobody hear me? Why am I ******* banned?

Etc ad infinitum :P

Kind of reminds me of that person who I banned, caught trying to sneak back in under a new name, and then re-banned before they could even post anything, and was nice enough to come crying to you about it.

[purplecat41877]

That's amazing, Mad Mike. I'm impressed.

[Rapscallion]

So was I. Their reaction was even more fun when I pointed out their other name. They even set the technical department of their ISP on me, though it turned out that it was a hosting company and the person who was trying to play funny fellows here is part of the management there.

Not heard anything since I prophesied legal action.

Rapscallion

[BusBus]

Five bucks says that Mr Volcanic's "email problem" was the Hotmail site being down for 1 minute

[purplecat41877]

In this scene, Mr. Volcanic stops at a coffee shop. This time, he's in for a big surprise when he gets the shift supervisor as his server.

Mr. Volcanic: I want coffee.

Shift Supervisor: What kind of coffee would you like?

Mr. Volcanic: Don't ask me stupid questions and just get me my coffee!

Shift Supervisor: We have more than one flavor and more than one type of coffee. Now which kind would you like?

Mr. Volcanic: I told you to stop asking stupid questions and get me my coffee!

Shift Supervisor: Asking what kind of coffee you want is not stupid and I don't appreciate your attitude. Now either you can tell me what kind of coffee you want or I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

(Mr. Volcanic places his order and the Shift Supervisor gets the coffee that Mr. Volcanic requested. Shift Supervisor hands Mr. Volcanic the cup of coffee.)

Mr. Volcanic: Thank you. You helped me see the error of my ways.

Shift Supervisor: Glad to be of service. Please come again.

(Mr. Volcanic quietly leaves the coffee shop. On the way out, he starts drinking the coffee.)