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First let me explain the set-up. I work in a crappy little 'supermarket' on a university campus. We mostly sell snacky food and newspapers. There's some stuff for the self-catered student, but there isn't much, and they're better off going into the city itself for that sort of thing. For the most part I'm a till-slave. Yeah, it's a wonderfully fulfilling and rewarding job.... So anyway
Dear Customers,
I would like to say that I love each and every one of you, but we all know that that would be an utter lie. For the most part your an endless procession of nondescript people who I never remember for more than three minutes after you're gone, and that's if you're lucky.
There are some nice ones among you. To the guy who honestly asks me how I'm doing whenever you're in, and then actually takes an interest in how I respond, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope that concert that you were looking forward to was good. You, and the few others like you, actually help me to get through my shifts. Little islands of niceness in an otherwise turgid sea of shit. However, you are the minority, and then some.
To the rest of you, I humbly beg you to take the following into consideration. It will lead to a happier Grog, and therefore a better experience for all of you.
1. You will notice, as you walk in, our store setup. There are five tills. There is one queue. When a till-jockey finishes serving whoever they are serving, they will let you know that they want you to come forward. Usually it will be with words like 'next please' or 'who is next then please?' Do you understand thusfar? Making eye contact with you while they are still serving someone else is not a sign that they want you to come forward and deposit your goods on the counter on top of someone else's. That's very important, write it down in your copy books now.
2. Similarly, even if the counter space is empty, and no-one is being served, do not approach if you haven't been called up. That's also very important. The till-jockey hasn't called you for a reason. He may want to top up his till with change, or to change his till roll, or to sneeze. He may be going on break, in which case you're going to be waiting a good half hour before he's back if you really must be served by that person. Walking up with a gormless look on your face will not impress us, neither will the fact that you have just put your armfuls of goods where we really don't want them to be right now.
3. Please please please pay attention while in the queue. We know that queuing for three minutes is a long and tiring process. We know that you have the attention span of a goldfish, but please at least try. Don't glare at us while in the queue and then lose all sense of urgency once you reach the front. In general, if you haven't responded by the third 'next please' we will invite the person behind you up to the till. Well I will anyway.
4. I understand that most of you would marry your mobile phones if you could. Beleive me, I understand. I like mine as well. It's a functional device that allows me to remain in contact with my friends and family while off in the wilds of [city where I live and work]. That being said, is it really necessary to continue your conversation while I'm serving you? I'm aware that I'm being nitpicky with this one, but there's nothing so infuriatingly rude as you not stopping your conversation with that little box while i'm trying to ask you such important questions as whether you would like a bag, whether you found everything you needed and if I could help you in any other way. It doesn't take more than thirty seconds to do your average transaction. Would the person on the other end really mind waiting that long? You're obviously a wonderful person who most people would be glad to wait for! Above and beyond all practical considerations, it makes me suspect that you don't really see me as a person, but as a till-working automaton. I'm a student too, you know, but I don't think you even realise that I'm a person, and that makes me a sad panda.
5. Yes we do take cards. This is 2009, everywhere takes cards. Corner shops take cards, hotdog stands take cards. Frakking hobos take cards.
6. No we don't do cashback. There's four ATMs within two minutes walk of the store. Queues at the ATMs? I don't care, deal with it. If you complain and scream that we're a bad shop because of this I'm going to ask you to leave. I am a supervisor, I can do that. Yes, I'm happy for you to fill in a suggestion slip. You could even hand me a note, and I WILL put it on the manager's desk as soon as I can. But please don't act like a dick about this.
7. The card machine is a very simple thing. The card goes in, and then I enter an amount. Then you enter your PIN. Then your part is done until I say so, ok? See the little screen just below where your card was put in. It reads 'Please do not remove card, transaction in progress.' To make things extra simple, there's a big red light above it that goes green when it's safe to take your card. I don't want to have to state this to everyone, because it's fucking patronising for the 80% or so of you that can actually read, but don't take your card until I say so. It means we have to do the whole pointless, tedious routine over again.
9. On that note, do you actually really need to pay by card? Really? Even for that pack of chewing gum? We don't have a minimum limit, although if there's one thing I'd change about the store, that's it.
10. No... we don't do cashback. I'm fairly sure I just said that.
11. Sometimes if it's busy and I'm on tills with just one or two people, I will split the queue into those who intend to pay by card, and those who have cash. This is actually faster. A cash transaction can be done in seconds, a card one will take at least a minute due to out aging card machines. Don't pretend that you want to pay with cash, and then ask to pay with your card. I will send you to the back of the other queue, and I won't take bull about this. I'll be honest. I hate cards. I would get rid of them in the store if I could, because they slow things down so much. Chip and pin has made things marginally faster, but I still hate it. I split the queue because I geniunely think it makes things faster for most of the people in the shop, and I won't bend on this at all. I haven't for my best friends. The only person I have ever done it for is no-one. You aren't going to magically be the first, ok?
12. By all means please bring food you've brought elsewhere into the shop and drop bits of it all over the floor. We actually like mopping up your ice-cream and chocolate. It gives us a warm and fuzzy feeling. And while you're at it, could you also tread whatever you drop into the ground. Because nothing says 'employee satisfaction' like trying to get congealed chocolate off of a floor.
13. The coffee machine sometimes need refilling. The usual procedure while the staff member is working on that is to gather around in a group of twenty or so and each individually ask him to tell you exactly how long it will take. After that we like you to go and tell anyone else who approached that it's broken.
14. No, we really don't do cashback. I can't magically make the option appear because you want me to.
15. Yes, even in a student shop you still need to be 18 to buy alcohol and cigarattes. I have worked in a bar before. I will ID you if I don't think you look 21. That's the policy of our shop. I don't care that you're a student and therefore 'must be over 18'. The old manager took that tack, and then the townies learned and realised that we wouldn't ID people, and the store and several employees got hit with massive fines. I like my money being in my wallet, not Gordon Brown's, ok? Interesting fact: if I challenge you, and you can't produce ID, I can't serve you. I can't change my mind and decide that no, you do look 21. If I IDed my granny and she couldn't produce that ID, I couldn't legally serve her, ok? And I love my granny, so you don't stand a chance.
16. I know what fake ID looks like townies. I can tell whether you're a student or not. I have worked in a bar before, and I know the tricks, ok? If you aren't 18, or you can't prove that you are, you won't get either alcohol or cigarettes from me. If you complain about this like the one of you who did the other day (and I've never heard such bad language, I must say I'm shocked), you will be asked to leave, and I will put the security camera picture of you up on the 'don't serve these people' list.
17. Do you really need a bag? Really? Look, you've only got a bottle of water, for chrissakes.
18. The tables outside are provided as a courtesy. Somewhere nice to eat on a warm and sunny day. We are not waiters. If you're going to leave all your shit everywhere (including the floor), then could you at least leave a tip as well? I don't want to go outside near the end to bring the tables in only to find the area covered with wrappers, half-eaten food, bottles and the like. There are recycling bins right there, next to the tables. You're students, most of whom have the ID to buy alcohol, you shouldn't need someone to clean up after you.
19. We get a certain number of newspapers every day. Once they are gone, they are gone. The only ones we can re-order are the local newspapers, and they rarely sell out anyway. If you want any of the broadsheets, I advise that you come before about 2PM. I don't memorise the contents of every paper, and I can't re-write it for you if you can't be bothered to get here early enough to be sure of buying one. You can scream and shout all you like, but that won't bring the newspaper back.
20. Finally no....we really don't do cashback. I'm sorry to have spoiled your evening.
I love you all dear customers. Thank you, and have a nice day, ya hear?
-Grog
Dear Customers,
I would like to say that I love each and every one of you, but we all know that that would be an utter lie. For the most part your an endless procession of nondescript people who I never remember for more than three minutes after you're gone, and that's if you're lucky.
There are some nice ones among you. To the guy who honestly asks me how I'm doing whenever you're in, and then actually takes an interest in how I respond, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope that concert that you were looking forward to was good. You, and the few others like you, actually help me to get through my shifts. Little islands of niceness in an otherwise turgid sea of shit. However, you are the minority, and then some.
To the rest of you, I humbly beg you to take the following into consideration. It will lead to a happier Grog, and therefore a better experience for all of you.
1. You will notice, as you walk in, our store setup. There are five tills. There is one queue. When a till-jockey finishes serving whoever they are serving, they will let you know that they want you to come forward. Usually it will be with words like 'next please' or 'who is next then please?' Do you understand thusfar? Making eye contact with you while they are still serving someone else is not a sign that they want you to come forward and deposit your goods on the counter on top of someone else's. That's very important, write it down in your copy books now.
2. Similarly, even if the counter space is empty, and no-one is being served, do not approach if you haven't been called up. That's also very important. The till-jockey hasn't called you for a reason. He may want to top up his till with change, or to change his till roll, or to sneeze. He may be going on break, in which case you're going to be waiting a good half hour before he's back if you really must be served by that person. Walking up with a gormless look on your face will not impress us, neither will the fact that you have just put your armfuls of goods where we really don't want them to be right now.
3. Please please please pay attention while in the queue. We know that queuing for three minutes is a long and tiring process. We know that you have the attention span of a goldfish, but please at least try. Don't glare at us while in the queue and then lose all sense of urgency once you reach the front. In general, if you haven't responded by the third 'next please' we will invite the person behind you up to the till. Well I will anyway.
4. I understand that most of you would marry your mobile phones if you could. Beleive me, I understand. I like mine as well. It's a functional device that allows me to remain in contact with my friends and family while off in the wilds of [city where I live and work]. That being said, is it really necessary to continue your conversation while I'm serving you? I'm aware that I'm being nitpicky with this one, but there's nothing so infuriatingly rude as you not stopping your conversation with that little box while i'm trying to ask you such important questions as whether you would like a bag, whether you found everything you needed and if I could help you in any other way. It doesn't take more than thirty seconds to do your average transaction. Would the person on the other end really mind waiting that long? You're obviously a wonderful person who most people would be glad to wait for! Above and beyond all practical considerations, it makes me suspect that you don't really see me as a person, but as a till-working automaton. I'm a student too, you know, but I don't think you even realise that I'm a person, and that makes me a sad panda.
5. Yes we do take cards. This is 2009, everywhere takes cards. Corner shops take cards, hotdog stands take cards. Frakking hobos take cards.
6. No we don't do cashback. There's four ATMs within two minutes walk of the store. Queues at the ATMs? I don't care, deal with it. If you complain and scream that we're a bad shop because of this I'm going to ask you to leave. I am a supervisor, I can do that. Yes, I'm happy for you to fill in a suggestion slip. You could even hand me a note, and I WILL put it on the manager's desk as soon as I can. But please don't act like a dick about this.
7. The card machine is a very simple thing. The card goes in, and then I enter an amount. Then you enter your PIN. Then your part is done until I say so, ok? See the little screen just below where your card was put in. It reads 'Please do not remove card, transaction in progress.' To make things extra simple, there's a big red light above it that goes green when it's safe to take your card. I don't want to have to state this to everyone, because it's fucking patronising for the 80% or so of you that can actually read, but don't take your card until I say so. It means we have to do the whole pointless, tedious routine over again.
9. On that note, do you actually really need to pay by card? Really? Even for that pack of chewing gum? We don't have a minimum limit, although if there's one thing I'd change about the store, that's it.
10. No... we don't do cashback. I'm fairly sure I just said that.
11. Sometimes if it's busy and I'm on tills with just one or two people, I will split the queue into those who intend to pay by card, and those who have cash. This is actually faster. A cash transaction can be done in seconds, a card one will take at least a minute due to out aging card machines. Don't pretend that you want to pay with cash, and then ask to pay with your card. I will send you to the back of the other queue, and I won't take bull about this. I'll be honest. I hate cards. I would get rid of them in the store if I could, because they slow things down so much. Chip and pin has made things marginally faster, but I still hate it. I split the queue because I geniunely think it makes things faster for most of the people in the shop, and I won't bend on this at all. I haven't for my best friends. The only person I have ever done it for is no-one. You aren't going to magically be the first, ok?
12. By all means please bring food you've brought elsewhere into the shop and drop bits of it all over the floor. We actually like mopping up your ice-cream and chocolate. It gives us a warm and fuzzy feeling. And while you're at it, could you also tread whatever you drop into the ground. Because nothing says 'employee satisfaction' like trying to get congealed chocolate off of a floor.
13. The coffee machine sometimes need refilling. The usual procedure while the staff member is working on that is to gather around in a group of twenty or so and each individually ask him to tell you exactly how long it will take. After that we like you to go and tell anyone else who approached that it's broken.
14. No, we really don't do cashback. I can't magically make the option appear because you want me to.
15. Yes, even in a student shop you still need to be 18 to buy alcohol and cigarattes. I have worked in a bar before. I will ID you if I don't think you look 21. That's the policy of our shop. I don't care that you're a student and therefore 'must be over 18'. The old manager took that tack, and then the townies learned and realised that we wouldn't ID people, and the store and several employees got hit with massive fines. I like my money being in my wallet, not Gordon Brown's, ok? Interesting fact: if I challenge you, and you can't produce ID, I can't serve you. I can't change my mind and decide that no, you do look 21. If I IDed my granny and she couldn't produce that ID, I couldn't legally serve her, ok? And I love my granny, so you don't stand a chance.
16. I know what fake ID looks like townies. I can tell whether you're a student or not. I have worked in a bar before, and I know the tricks, ok? If you aren't 18, or you can't prove that you are, you won't get either alcohol or cigarettes from me. If you complain about this like the one of you who did the other day (and I've never heard such bad language, I must say I'm shocked), you will be asked to leave, and I will put the security camera picture of you up on the 'don't serve these people' list.
17. Do you really need a bag? Really? Look, you've only got a bottle of water, for chrissakes.
18. The tables outside are provided as a courtesy. Somewhere nice to eat on a warm and sunny day. We are not waiters. If you're going to leave all your shit everywhere (including the floor), then could you at least leave a tip as well? I don't want to go outside near the end to bring the tables in only to find the area covered with wrappers, half-eaten food, bottles and the like. There are recycling bins right there, next to the tables. You're students, most of whom have the ID to buy alcohol, you shouldn't need someone to clean up after you.
19. We get a certain number of newspapers every day. Once they are gone, they are gone. The only ones we can re-order are the local newspapers, and they rarely sell out anyway. If you want any of the broadsheets, I advise that you come before about 2PM. I don't memorise the contents of every paper, and I can't re-write it for you if you can't be bothered to get here early enough to be sure of buying one. You can scream and shout all you like, but that won't bring the newspaper back.
20. Finally no....we really don't do cashback. I'm sorry to have spoiled your evening.
I love you all dear customers. Thank you, and have a nice day, ya hear?
-Grog
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