Tweet
With rare cameos from my wonderful coworkers.
Yes, That's What I Mean
Me: "Ok, and your name please?"
SC: "....uh...."
I really should just hang up outright whenever this happens. No questions, no warning, just click. Because nothing good has ever come from this. It's always the very harbinger of the coming intellectual darkness. I can almost hear the caller breaking the 7th seal in the background. Well, failing to break it with their fingers and than having to resort to trying to tear it open with their teeth while they whine about how stupid it is that they made this thing so hard to open and they really should call and demand a refund. But I digress.
I've never had a call go well after the person failed "What's your name, durrrrr~" on the first attempt. It just doesn't happen.
Me: "Ok, and what's the serial number for your software?"
SC: "Uh.......um...."
Me: "......?"
SC: "Ummm......uh...."
Me: "......."
SC: ".......um......"
Me: "........"
SC: "Wait, you mean the serial number?"
Me: "..Yes."
Yes, I mean the serial number. That's why I said "serial number" instead of "nun panties". If I had indeed desired a nun's undergarments instead of the serial number I would have requested it and had you or another of my underlings locate them and bring them to me. Which would bring our dark plans just one step closer to complet....er....I mean yes, serial number, please?
The Curious Call
Me: "Ok, would you like to place an order?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Ok, can I have your name please?"
SC: "Maggie at box 102."
Me: "....can I have your full name please?"
SC: "........"
That's all we have to go on is it? Very well than. Come along now, Luke.
I Know, I'm Farked Up
Midway through shift, I turn to my coworker....
Me: "There's something wrong with my brain."
CW: "What else is new."
Me: "No seriously. You know that little song from the old Cheese Whiz commercials?"
CW: "Cheese Whiz adds personality?"
Me: "Yeah, that one. Except in my head my brain has replaced "personality" with "Gothopotamus".
CW: ".....what? Yeah, you're farked."
Me: "No seriously, it works. Sing it in your head."
CW: "Right."
5 minutes later.....
CW: "Cheese whiz adds....gothopotam~ FUCK!"
Me: "See!?"
CW: "I hate you so much."
Hitting a Nerve
Me: "Ok, do you have a customer ID number?"
SC: "A what!?!?"
Me: "A customer ID number"
SC: "I have a VISA?"
Me: "No, a customer ID number. If you've ordered from us previously we mail them o-"
SC: "I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY SECTORS TONIGHT AND I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND LET YOU STEAL MY HOUSE WITH SOME ID NUMBER!!!!!"
Me: "!?!?!"
IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!
SC: "I WORK FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONNECTING ALL THESE DIFFERENT DEPARTMENTS!@#"
Me: "?!?!! excuse me?"
Sweet furry mother of Mandy the narcoleptic panda what in the sam low flying under radar fuck Hell are you talking about, woman!?
SC: "WHY CAN'T I JUST USE MY VISA?!!"
Me: "You can, the ID number just lets us bring up your address and information to make placing a new order faster."
SC: "Oh."
Me: "I can just put in a new order with a Visa."
SC: "Oh, ok."
Me: "Can I have the Visa number please?"
SC: "Wait a sec, I threw it on the floor there and I can't find it."
Me: "........"
It appears Hurricane Ragecunt was at least a category 4 and seems to have caused some local property damage.
SC: ".....where is it....can you hold on a minute?"
Me: "Sure."
SC: "......"
Me: "......"
Literally 2 minutes pass.
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "......."
Me: "....hello?"
SC: "I can't find it! Can you hold on a few more minutes?"
Me: "Alright, but I'll have to put you on hold while I take other calls."
2 more minutes, I come back
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "Hi, yeah, I'm still looking."
Me: "Ok."
I come back 3 minutes later.
Me: "Any luck?"
SC: "No, hey, can I call you back when I find it? I have no idea where it went."
Me: "Sure."
Yes, she did eventually call back. About half an hour later. Bravo, madam. Bravo.
You What?
( This is a maintenance line for a certain chain of gas stations/convenience stores )
SC: "Yeah I accidentally put supreme instead of natural gas into my truck and now they won't give me a refund!"
....wait, you what?
SC: "They won't just void it and give me my money back!"
No no, back up. There is a far far more grievous offense of stupidity here that needs to be addressed first.
SC: "Can't you tell them to do it for me?"
Screw your refund, go back to the first part. You did WHAT to your truck?
SC: "I want my money!"
and I want to laugh into the vacant, cavernous space within your skull. So please, start from the beginning and tell me what happened in excruciatingly stupid detail.
Christ, how do you even do that? The nozzles don't even fit. Or did you just sit there and vacantly dump gas onto your truck for 5 minutes? You sure they're denying you a refund? They're probably trying to get you the fuck away from the pumps before you get them all killed.
A Clever Ploy
I arrived at the office the other night just in time for this:
CW: "Hey GK, can I ask you about something on this account?"
Me: "Sure."
CW: "This lady wants to order this shirt, but she's not sure if it will fit so she wants to order it in all the sizes so she can try them all on than send back the ones that don't fit...should I let her or?"
Me: "Hahaha! No."
CW: "Yeah, I wasn't quite too sure what to do with it."
Me: "Tell her to get bent. If she has a problem with it she can call during the day and talk to customer service."
CW: "Ok."
Me: "You know the stupidest part about this is she could have gotten away with it if she didn't tell you what she was up too."
And yes, this was on the "omigawd pants" order line.
Mmmkay
Me: "Ok, and what seems to be the problem?"
SC: "I HAVE NO HEAT! ITS SO COLD I CAN'T SLEEP!"
Me: "....ok, well I'll send the caretaker by-"
SC: "HURRY ITS FREEZING I CAN'T SLEEP!#~"
Dude, seriously. It is...let's see, about 16 degrees out at the lowest. If it's so cold you can't sleep its not because there's no heat, it's because you woke up naked on the balcony. So close the windows, insulate your groin with some shorts, a blanket or a nearby domestic animal and go back to bed.
Why?
SC: "How long will it take?
Me: "it should take about 2 weeks to arrive."
SC: "What?! Why it take so long for one hat?!"
Because you live at the end of the Earth.
...annnd some of backlog successfully cleared.
Yes, That's What I Mean
Me: "Ok, and your name please?"
SC: "....uh...."
I really should just hang up outright whenever this happens. No questions, no warning, just click. Because nothing good has ever come from this. It's always the very harbinger of the coming intellectual darkness. I can almost hear the caller breaking the 7th seal in the background. Well, failing to break it with their fingers and than having to resort to trying to tear it open with their teeth while they whine about how stupid it is that they made this thing so hard to open and they really should call and demand a refund. But I digress.
I've never had a call go well after the person failed "What's your name, durrrrr~" on the first attempt. It just doesn't happen.
Me: "Ok, and what's the serial number for your software?"
SC: "Uh.......um...."
Me: "......?"
SC: "Ummm......uh...."
Me: "......."
SC: ".......um......"
Me: "........"
SC: "Wait, you mean the serial number?"
Me: "..Yes."
Yes, I mean the serial number. That's why I said "serial number" instead of "nun panties". If I had indeed desired a nun's undergarments instead of the serial number I would have requested it and had you or another of my underlings locate them and bring them to me. Which would bring our dark plans just one step closer to complet....er....I mean yes, serial number, please?
The Curious Call
Me: "Ok, would you like to place an order?"
SC: "Yes."
Me: "Ok, can I have your name please?"
SC: "Maggie at box 102."
Me: "....can I have your full name please?"
SC: "........"
That's all we have to go on is it? Very well than. Come along now, Luke.
I Know, I'm Farked Up
Midway through shift, I turn to my coworker....
Me: "There's something wrong with my brain."
CW: "What else is new."
Me: "No seriously. You know that little song from the old Cheese Whiz commercials?"
CW: "Cheese Whiz adds personality?"
Me: "Yeah, that one. Except in my head my brain has replaced "personality" with "Gothopotamus".
CW: ".....what? Yeah, you're farked."
Me: "No seriously, it works. Sing it in your head."
CW: "Right."
5 minutes later.....
CW: "Cheese whiz adds....gothopotam~ FUCK!"
Me: "See!?"
CW: "I hate you so much."
Hitting a Nerve
Me: "Ok, do you have a customer ID number?"
SC: "A what!?!?"
Me: "A customer ID number"
SC: "I have a VISA?"
Me: "No, a customer ID number. If you've ordered from us previously we mail them o-"
SC: "I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MANY SECTORS TONIGHT AND I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND LET YOU STEAL MY HOUSE WITH SOME ID NUMBER!!!!!"
Me: "!?!?!"
IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!
SC: "I WORK FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONNECTING ALL THESE DIFFERENT DEPARTMENTS!@#"
Me: "?!?!! excuse me?"
Sweet furry mother of Mandy the narcoleptic panda what in the sam low flying under radar fuck Hell are you talking about, woman!?
SC: "WHY CAN'T I JUST USE MY VISA?!!"
Me: "You can, the ID number just lets us bring up your address and information to make placing a new order faster."
SC: "Oh."
Me: "I can just put in a new order with a Visa."
SC: "Oh, ok."
Me: "Can I have the Visa number please?"
SC: "Wait a sec, I threw it on the floor there and I can't find it."
Me: "........"
It appears Hurricane Ragecunt was at least a category 4 and seems to have caused some local property damage.
SC: ".....where is it....can you hold on a minute?"
Me: "Sure."
SC: "......"
Me: "......"
Literally 2 minutes pass.
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "......."
Me: "....hello?"
SC: "I can't find it! Can you hold on a few more minutes?"
Me: "Alright, but I'll have to put you on hold while I take other calls."
2 more minutes, I come back
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "Hi, yeah, I'm still looking."
Me: "Ok."
I come back 3 minutes later.
Me: "Any luck?"
SC: "No, hey, can I call you back when I find it? I have no idea where it went."
Me: "Sure."
Yes, she did eventually call back. About half an hour later. Bravo, madam. Bravo.
You What?
( This is a maintenance line for a certain chain of gas stations/convenience stores )
SC: "Yeah I accidentally put supreme instead of natural gas into my truck and now they won't give me a refund!"
....wait, you what?
SC: "They won't just void it and give me my money back!"
No no, back up. There is a far far more grievous offense of stupidity here that needs to be addressed first.
SC: "Can't you tell them to do it for me?"
Screw your refund, go back to the first part. You did WHAT to your truck?
SC: "I want my money!"
and I want to laugh into the vacant, cavernous space within your skull. So please, start from the beginning and tell me what happened in excruciatingly stupid detail.
Christ, how do you even do that? The nozzles don't even fit. Or did you just sit there and vacantly dump gas onto your truck for 5 minutes? You sure they're denying you a refund? They're probably trying to get you the fuck away from the pumps before you get them all killed.
A Clever Ploy
I arrived at the office the other night just in time for this:
CW: "Hey GK, can I ask you about something on this account?"
Me: "Sure."
CW: "This lady wants to order this shirt, but she's not sure if it will fit so she wants to order it in all the sizes so she can try them all on than send back the ones that don't fit...should I let her or?"
Me: "Hahaha! No."
CW: "Yeah, I wasn't quite too sure what to do with it."
Me: "Tell her to get bent. If she has a problem with it she can call during the day and talk to customer service."
CW: "Ok."
Me: "You know the stupidest part about this is she could have gotten away with it if she didn't tell you what she was up too."
And yes, this was on the "omigawd pants" order line.
Mmmkay
Me: "Ok, and what seems to be the problem?"
SC: "I HAVE NO HEAT! ITS SO COLD I CAN'T SLEEP!"
Me: "....ok, well I'll send the caretaker by-"
SC: "HURRY ITS FREEZING I CAN'T SLEEP!#~"
Dude, seriously. It is...let's see, about 16 degrees out at the lowest. If it's so cold you can't sleep its not because there's no heat, it's because you woke up naked on the balcony. So close the windows, insulate your groin with some shorts, a blanket or a nearby domestic animal and go back to bed.
Why?
SC: "How long will it take?
Me: "it should take about 2 weeks to arrive."
SC: "What?! Why it take so long for one hat?!"
Because you live at the end of the Earth.
...annnd some of backlog successfully cleared.
What is it?! WHATS HAPPENING?! Must...poke...out...mind's eye!
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