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Well, Wasn't That Special....
...they're really really special this week. -.-
Hiss~
SC: "So do ya get Easter off?"
Me: "Nope, I'll be here."
SC: “Ha ha, well, hope ya'll find all the Easter Eggs!”
Ha ha, yes. If I do manage to locate them I shall be sending them post haste at your place of residence. Via air mail.
Unhand Her!
Me: “Good morning, <company>”
SC: “…….”
Annnnd all I heard was the furious gnashing and turning of pages as if a starving howler monkey had lost a termite within the folds of our catalog. Well, I’m not 100% sure if howler monkeys eat termites but it seems like a howler monkey kind of thing….ok, now that I check, no, they don’t eat termites. Only nuts and fruits. Ok, so a starving howler monkey desperately trying to dig, er, cashews…I guess…out of a magazine.
Well, whatever. All I know is that I’m on the phone with a possible primate and a catalog is being manhandled in such a way that I doubt it will survive the duration of this call.
I must save it.
♠
( I have no idea how I made that symbol )
“and what would you like to order?”
“Uh, dis Rocawear..shirt..”
Rocawear. Ah yes, right. Judging from the products we offer from this particular label the whole of Northern Canada must appear to be populated by rap video extras by now. Perhaps I have this all wrong. Perhaps the primary industry up there is not a mixture of bear pelts, moon shine and whale tallow, but rather cheap music industry labour.
You need 10 or 15 random people to press one or more booty holes against a convertible to a looped drum beat behind some guy wearing 15 lbs of gold costume jewelry with his pants around his knees? Than you know who to call.
Seriously though, these people have handbags I would not bury a dead raccoon in.
No.
( For reference, we do not have sales. We never have sales. We've never had sales. We have some clearance items, but they can only be ordered online. Period. There are no sales, clearance, deals or bonuses that can be invoked on telephone orders. If its not in the catalog, you cannot order it via telephone. End of story. )
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Uhh….are der any shoes on sale?”
You seem to have confused me with a Personal Shopping Assistant. When in fact I am merely an Order Desk. The function of my existence is that you pick out all the shiny hats, pants, thingamawhatzats, weezlegogs and Pimp Juice™ that you desire and than you come tell me. Than I arrange for this assortment of items to be fly over head at low altitude and shoved out the back of the plane somewhere within a 10km radius of your village.
Unfortunately, this means that it is up to you the caller to man a sled dog team and make the trek into the woods to retrieve your items. Much as it is up to you the caller to pick what you want beforehand. As I can offer you no advice, trade nor barter.
That Helps
Me: “Ok, and what city are you in?”
SC: “The USA”
Unfortunately, the USA has a surprisingly large metropolitan area so you’re going to have to narrow it down for me just a liiiitle bit more than that, farkpop. Unless you want me to just randomly select a hotel from the continental United States and book you a room there.
The taxi fare might be a bitch.
.....um
Me: “Good morning, <obviously a tech support line it even says tech support>”
SC: “Ya’ll have extended barrels’?!”
Me: “A what sorry?”
SC: “An extended barrel, fer a 12 gauger.”
Me: “……”
SC: “Fer turkey huntin'’”
I have inkling suspicion that we are no longer in Kansas, Toto. Well, no, actually, we may in fact be in Kansas. Hence the problem.
Hot Tips
Sweet Christ.
Our usual “Prince Charles is the Anti-Christ here’s my ideas to fight Al-Qaeda Jesus tells me stuff on my motorcycle” guy called again tonight, but I guess he found some particularly potent brain candy to indulge in this evening while watching Teletoon. As this was every single one of his calls from the last 3 years rolled into a single glorious whole. As if every random drug induced idea in his addled brain came together to form a sort of psychedelic Voltron. Not cool Lion Voltron either. Lame Vehicle Force Voltron.
Let’s see if I can follow the thought train from point A to point B:
He’s finally figured out what 666 stands for. On the 24 hour clock it stands for 1836. Which is the year of Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper was a nobleman. So Prince Charles is a direct descendent of Jack the Ripper. Prince Charle’s initials are PC. Which in algebra means Prince Herald ( !? ). But it also means Pedophile Calls. So the reason there are so many pedophiles is because they all look up to Prince Charles and aspire to be like him because it proves if you become a pedophile you can become the prince of England. But back in the 60’s when Charles Manson was around he was the Anti-Christ ( Isn’t Manson still around? ). But Charles Manson wasn’t the anti-christ. ( Oh, ok. ) He was just a man.
But Prince Charles is just a man too. So it’s MANson. So it’s Prince Manson. So Prince Charles is the Anti-Christ. But he’s not a king. But next year is the year of the King. But he won’t be King because he’s just a prince. But if you burn money for Jesus you can gain superpowers. Like if you burn $5 to Jesus you’ll gain superpowers. But you have to be Christian to get into Heaven. So if you have to be Christian you may as well be a cool Christian with superpowers. Than you can get into Heaven with superpowers.
At which point he told me he’d let me go so I could “Go think about that” and hung up. I declined to take him up on this suggestion for fear dwelling on any of this dribbled madness for too long would result in my own mind decaying to the point that I become exactly like him. Which may well be why he is the way he is to begin with. A sort of nut job lycanthropy if you will.
Wait, actually. That makes sense. He only comes out at night and seems to appear more frequently the fuller the moon is. So he may in fact be some sort of Werekook. For all I know every night he calls he ends up waking up in an alley the next morning butt naked with a cell phone in his hand and no recollection of what happened.
Perhaps if we can find and slay the original Werekook we can free him from this ( our ) torment.
Hot Tips
Oh, and now we figured out what happened in Vietnam: Because the US called the Viet Cong “Charlies”, Prince Charles thought they were making fun of him because that’s his name. So Prince Charles secretly funded the Viet Cong out of spite and plotted their resistance.
For reference, Prince Charles was around 10 when the Vietnam War started. Which, while he may truly have thought people were making fun of him, I doubt he could muster military resistance nor provide tactical ground support beyond pointing a toy jeep and yelling “Pew pew pew”.
Gah~
Drunk, wearing a gold foil mini skirt so short if you bent over it would drive me to drink too, with black fish net stockings and knee high hooker boots with 3 inch heels is no way to go through life son. Unless of course you live around Broadway Station, in which case its perfectly natural if not encouraged.
<shiver>
......
Ok, let me get this straight: You were at a casino, you lost a hand of Blackjack or some such stupidity, so you flipped out like a raging man ape and threw a liquor bottle at and HIT a pregnant casino employee? So now you’ve been arrested and charged with assault.
Now you want ME to try and find you a lawyer?
Hah! Hahahah....you'll excuse me if any and all desire I had to assist you just took a rather rapid dive down to depths not yet discovered by man. If fact, if you want it back you're going to have to negotiate for its release with the mole people.
Asshole.
Math is Hard
Me: “Ok, that comes to $267.”
SC: “How much?!”
Me: “$267.”
SC: “Uh….120….plus…120….plus….ummmm……uh….ok.”
Yes, don’t strain yourself. Just let me do the math. Straight up addition is one of the more complex mathematical equations, I know. I mean, even Elmo needed big signs with numbers on them and a clever, yet catchy song to figure out how to do basic math. Here you are without any signs, no background music and no puppeteer’s hand up your ass to tell you what to do. You don’t have a chance, really.
….not that I have anyone’s hand up my ass mind you.
Indignity
Apparently, there is a chain of supermarkets in the States by the name of “Piggly Wiggly”. Yes, Piggly Wiggly. Piggly Wiggly. There is utterly no way to maintain any shred of professional dignity when you're trying to explain an issue from “Buck at Piggly Wiggly” to an on call guy.
If any of you work at Piggly Wiggly, you have my utmost sympathy. But don't call me.
Manners
Me: “Ok, and what size would you like?”
SC: “Uh…what sizes do you have?”
I’m trying to figure out how to say “All of them?” without sounding rude nor implying you’re an idiot. But I’m not having much luck, I’m afraid. How about you just tell me what size you want and we’ll just work it out from there?
Nubile~
Me: “Alright, I’ll page a tech for you”
SC: “So someone will call me?”
That’s generally what paging implies yes. Unless for some reason you believed I was about to grant you a young, nubile servant boy to dress you, clean your armour and take care of your horse. But seeing as I answered the line “Client Services” and not “Client Stable Boys” I’m not precisely sure where you would get this impression.
The Endurance Test
( omfg. For reference I'm just a switchboard for this company basically. I know crap and all about their services and products. I'm just suppose to connect them through. )
( Note: I must remove/alter much of the specific details to product my client's identity on this one. I can only say that it is something one would install in one's residence. )
Ok, I’m going to attempt to meticulously detail every line of this call from this morning. Why, you ask? Because it is an endurance test of epic proportions with a gentleman of whose slow descent into madness was just too riveting to turn away from. Like a train wreck.
See how far into it you can get before you develop a facial tic:
Me: “Good morning, <spiel>”
SC: “Hi, good morning”
Me: “Hi”
SC: “Where are you folks located? Which town?”
Me: “We service all of the US, honestly.”
SC: “I saw one of your signs in Bumfuck. You did a <project> there.”
Me: “Ok”
SC: “On Nubile Stable Boy St.”
Me: “Ok, would you like to speak to the local rep that covers that area?"
SC: “Well, tell me what do you guys do anyway?”
Me: “This is a <service> company.”
( The company name actually HAS the service in the title. )
SC: “You just do <service> nothing else?”
Me: “Yes”
SC: “What kind of <product> it was? Do you know?”
Me: “We do <space age material~> <product>-“
SC: “<space age material> <product>? What else? That all?”
Me: “Yes, we only do <service for product>.”
SC: “When I saw that <product>, it looked shiny. It don’t look like aluminum. it look like nice and smooth and shiny. Like brick colour.”
Ah, see. Here’s the dilemma. Our product is too shiny. So it was neigh impossible for his tiny mind to ignore.
Me: “Yes, they're <very shiny style of product>”
SC: “But they’re <supa space age material>?"
Me: “Yes”
SC: “<supa space age material>? Ok, now…..now-now it make sense.”
See that tiny verbal crack? And so it begins…..you may wish to take a moment to save your game.
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “They not very heavy right?”
Me: “...No.”
SC: “<supa space age> meaning like terracotta kind of thing?”
Me: “We have several styles-“
SC: “But same principle right? Basically it get locked, no nail or anything?"
Me: “....Correct.”
SC: “Just like uh, let me give another example. So I can understand better. You know siding people put it in? It locks from bottom than you nail from the top than you put another one?”
Me: “Similar to that, yes.”
SC: “Ok, how you attach? You just lay them? That it?”
Me: “They have a lining that needs to be inst-"
SC: “Laid down with what?”
Me: “They have a lining-“
SC: “Wha? Mining wha?”
Eject! Eject!
Me: “Ok, look, would you like to speak with a local rep? They have all of the inform-"
SC: “What, b- Why don’t you tell me that thing! You said something I don’t follow. They lock! BUT HOW YOU ATTACH?@"
Me: “If you would like more specific installation information you
SC: “No no! You said something! TELL ME!#~!!!!! Repeat that word again!!”
Me: “…Lining?”
SC: “SPELL IT!@%$!"
Me: “L-i-n-i-n-g?”
SC: “Oh, lining! So you put lining than you lock it there?”
Me: “…Yes?”
( Well no, but my life is in danger. )
SC: “Ok, cus I was wondering. Cus I was thinking they are very nice and shining, very nice I was wanting to look. I haven’t seen <product> it actually shines you know. Now it makes sense. How long do they last?”
Me: “They have a 10 year warranty on them."
SC: "10 year warranty? Um, what I’m asking….last year, the shiny….last year. Smooooooth looking thing? SHINY. How long do they last? 10?”
The precious. We wants it.
Me: “Yes”
SC: “They not going to get, you know things get oxidized and not shiny?”
Oh, God forbid they turn not shiny.
Me: “No, they have 10 year warranty.”
And can only be unmade in the fires of Mount Doom.
SC: “On anything? Including the shininess? I hope you still in business? If it break, who do I contact? You guys?”
Me: “Yes you would contact us.”
SC: “You guys located where?!”
Me: “We cover all of the US, so-“
SC: “But where?!”
Me: “Ok, look, if you would like specific information I must put you through to the local off-"
SC: “Why not tell me!? You have something to hide?!”
Me: “The local rep-“
SC: “No no, I will talk to him, but I call them I have to spent many hours with him I have to get information. I like shiny."
Many hours he says and I do not doubt him for a moment. Perhaps I should stop trying to offer a call back. The local rep is in danger and I am the only one who can save him.
Me: “We have several offices, usually each state has its own-“
SC: “So where is the office near me!?”
Me: “Well, as I said we cover all of the US, so I can put you through t-"
SC: “Every address have a different head office?”
Me: “Would you like me to connect y-"
SC: “HANG ON I AM NOT AN IDIOT!$@ I ASK VERY SPECIFIC QUESTION YOU SAID MANY HEAD OFFICE so that brings to me scenario that where in! So I asked you address! So if I have 1 million address there are 1 million head office, that doesn’t sound right!”
Danger, Will Robinson!
Me: “….Ok, would you like-”
SC: “I NEED ANSWER FROM YOU FIRST”
Me: “Look, I cannot give you any further information. You must sp-"
SC: “Reason I ask this we had <competing product>"
Must….wrest back control of helm.
Me: “Ok, would you like to speak with the local office or not?"
SC: “You picked up phone! On a 800 number, so you have responsible to give me information!!!”
Well, no, technically, I don’t. I’m trying to show you the gateway to this information. The pipeline directly to it if you will. However, no matter how many times I flush you are refusing to go down it.
Me: “We don’t have all the de-“
SC: “What did I tell you?1 I will call local office if I think I should spent the money, of course money nothing is free, if I spent time with him it will be several hours and I do not want to kill someone with this time!”
You’re coming rather close already, honestly.
SC: “You have website?!”
Me: “…Yes its <website>”
SC: “But naturally you cannot give me pricing anyway can you? You are very adamant about this local rep!”
Why, thank you. I'm suppose to be as its my fscking job on this line.
SC: “Ok, so I’ll take a look at internet. Because I have seen all kind of goofy small company fly by night. You do job, it look good than it break. I have 10 year <competing product> from company and it BREAK."
Me: “Would you like to speak with the local office or not?"
SC: “Wait wait, LISTEN! LISTEN TO ME!@$! We got <product> from <competitor> and it BREAK! IT BREAK!!@# IT BREEAAAAAAKAAAAA!$@%@~~^%"
…annnnd that’s quite enough yelling, screaming and general insanity as I finally disconnected him. I honestly doubt I would get a shred of information out of this farking lunatic and even if I did, I could not in good conscious send a poor local rep into this kind of danger.
The Fangirl
Me: “Good evening, <client>”
FG: “WHARGARBL!@$ CELL PHONE!”
Oh, hello there. Wow, haven’t heard from crazy stalker lady in about 2 weeks now. We were afraid ( hopeful ) you’d been hit by a bus or something.
FG" “I TELL YOU SOMETHING!!# ALHDALHRB MY PHONE YAHDAJH CELL”
Me: “….what….. the Hell are you talking about?”
FG: “WHAT AM I TALK ABOUT?! My phone! :JFASD$!*A cell phone now!$#”
As far as I can gather from the estranged ranting that follow, They(tm) took away her land line phone to stop her from harassing half of the city. So she ferreted away loose change till she could afford one of those pay as you go cell phones from 7/11 with which to resume harassing half of the city.
Might I suggest a ball gag and a medical alert beeper? That way she can still call for help in the event of an emergency but will be restrained from talking at anyone without a qualified psychology degree ever again.
Hot Tips
The reason there are so many kidnappings in the world is because the Anti-Christ is back >
Because we have Jesus’s birthday wrong so >
Jesus is angry or something so now we have the Anti Christ >
Prince Charle’s initials are PC which in algebra means Pedophile Call so >
Prince Charles is the Anti Christ >
Prince Charles is the reason there are so many kidnappings in the world
It’s the Ciiiiiircle of Liiiiiife~
The Fangirl
Me: “Good evening, <client>”
FG: “HELLO!?$”
Me: “Insert clever retort here.”
FG: "...WHAT!?"
What? I’m tired of coming up with new ones. She can make up her own from now on.
annnnd I'm free~ For now.
Hiss~
SC: "So do ya get Easter off?"
Me: "Nope, I'll be here."
SC: “Ha ha, well, hope ya'll find all the Easter Eggs!”
Ha ha, yes. If I do manage to locate them I shall be sending them post haste at your place of residence. Via air mail.
Unhand Her!
Me: “Good morning, <company>”
SC: “…….”
Annnnd all I heard was the furious gnashing and turning of pages as if a starving howler monkey had lost a termite within the folds of our catalog. Well, I’m not 100% sure if howler monkeys eat termites but it seems like a howler monkey kind of thing….ok, now that I check, no, they don’t eat termites. Only nuts and fruits. Ok, so a starving howler monkey desperately trying to dig, er, cashews…I guess…out of a magazine.
Well, whatever. All I know is that I’m on the phone with a possible primate and a catalog is being manhandled in such a way that I doubt it will survive the duration of this call.
I must save it.
♠
( I have no idea how I made that symbol )
“and what would you like to order?”
“Uh, dis Rocawear..shirt..”
Rocawear. Ah yes, right. Judging from the products we offer from this particular label the whole of Northern Canada must appear to be populated by rap video extras by now. Perhaps I have this all wrong. Perhaps the primary industry up there is not a mixture of bear pelts, moon shine and whale tallow, but rather cheap music industry labour.
You need 10 or 15 random people to press one or more booty holes against a convertible to a looped drum beat behind some guy wearing 15 lbs of gold costume jewelry with his pants around his knees? Than you know who to call.
Seriously though, these people have handbags I would not bury a dead raccoon in.
No.
( For reference, we do not have sales. We never have sales. We've never had sales. We have some clearance items, but they can only be ordered online. Period. There are no sales, clearance, deals or bonuses that can be invoked on telephone orders. If its not in the catalog, you cannot order it via telephone. End of story. )
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Uhh….are der any shoes on sale?”
You seem to have confused me with a Personal Shopping Assistant. When in fact I am merely an Order Desk. The function of my existence is that you pick out all the shiny hats, pants, thingamawhatzats, weezlegogs and Pimp Juice™ that you desire and than you come tell me. Than I arrange for this assortment of items to be fly over head at low altitude and shoved out the back of the plane somewhere within a 10km radius of your village.
Unfortunately, this means that it is up to you the caller to man a sled dog team and make the trek into the woods to retrieve your items. Much as it is up to you the caller to pick what you want beforehand. As I can offer you no advice, trade nor barter.
That Helps
Me: “Ok, and what city are you in?”
SC: “The USA”
Unfortunately, the USA has a surprisingly large metropolitan area so you’re going to have to narrow it down for me just a liiiitle bit more than that, farkpop. Unless you want me to just randomly select a hotel from the continental United States and book you a room there.
The taxi fare might be a bitch.
.....um
Me: “Good morning, <obviously a tech support line it even says tech support>”
SC: “Ya’ll have extended barrels’?!”
Me: “A what sorry?”
SC: “An extended barrel, fer a 12 gauger.”
Me: “……”
SC: “Fer turkey huntin'’”
I have inkling suspicion that we are no longer in Kansas, Toto. Well, no, actually, we may in fact be in Kansas. Hence the problem.
Hot Tips
Sweet Christ.
Our usual “Prince Charles is the Anti-Christ here’s my ideas to fight Al-Qaeda Jesus tells me stuff on my motorcycle” guy called again tonight, but I guess he found some particularly potent brain candy to indulge in this evening while watching Teletoon. As this was every single one of his calls from the last 3 years rolled into a single glorious whole. As if every random drug induced idea in his addled brain came together to form a sort of psychedelic Voltron. Not cool Lion Voltron either. Lame Vehicle Force Voltron.
Let’s see if I can follow the thought train from point A to point B:
He’s finally figured out what 666 stands for. On the 24 hour clock it stands for 1836. Which is the year of Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper was a nobleman. So Prince Charles is a direct descendent of Jack the Ripper. Prince Charle’s initials are PC. Which in algebra means Prince Herald ( !? ). But it also means Pedophile Calls. So the reason there are so many pedophiles is because they all look up to Prince Charles and aspire to be like him because it proves if you become a pedophile you can become the prince of England. But back in the 60’s when Charles Manson was around he was the Anti-Christ ( Isn’t Manson still around? ). But Charles Manson wasn’t the anti-christ. ( Oh, ok. ) He was just a man.
But Prince Charles is just a man too. So it’s MANson. So it’s Prince Manson. So Prince Charles is the Anti-Christ. But he’s not a king. But next year is the year of the King. But he won’t be King because he’s just a prince. But if you burn money for Jesus you can gain superpowers. Like if you burn $5 to Jesus you’ll gain superpowers. But you have to be Christian to get into Heaven. So if you have to be Christian you may as well be a cool Christian with superpowers. Than you can get into Heaven with superpowers.
At which point he told me he’d let me go so I could “Go think about that” and hung up. I declined to take him up on this suggestion for fear dwelling on any of this dribbled madness for too long would result in my own mind decaying to the point that I become exactly like him. Which may well be why he is the way he is to begin with. A sort of nut job lycanthropy if you will.
Wait, actually. That makes sense. He only comes out at night and seems to appear more frequently the fuller the moon is. So he may in fact be some sort of Werekook. For all I know every night he calls he ends up waking up in an alley the next morning butt naked with a cell phone in his hand and no recollection of what happened.
Perhaps if we can find and slay the original Werekook we can free him from this ( our ) torment.
Hot Tips
Oh, and now we figured out what happened in Vietnam: Because the US called the Viet Cong “Charlies”, Prince Charles thought they were making fun of him because that’s his name. So Prince Charles secretly funded the Viet Cong out of spite and plotted their resistance.
For reference, Prince Charles was around 10 when the Vietnam War started. Which, while he may truly have thought people were making fun of him, I doubt he could muster military resistance nor provide tactical ground support beyond pointing a toy jeep and yelling “Pew pew pew”.
Gah~
Drunk, wearing a gold foil mini skirt so short if you bent over it would drive me to drink too, with black fish net stockings and knee high hooker boots with 3 inch heels is no way to go through life son. Unless of course you live around Broadway Station, in which case its perfectly natural if not encouraged.
<shiver>
......
Ok, let me get this straight: You were at a casino, you lost a hand of Blackjack or some such stupidity, so you flipped out like a raging man ape and threw a liquor bottle at and HIT a pregnant casino employee? So now you’ve been arrested and charged with assault.
Now you want ME to try and find you a lawyer?
Hah! Hahahah....you'll excuse me if any and all desire I had to assist you just took a rather rapid dive down to depths not yet discovered by man. If fact, if you want it back you're going to have to negotiate for its release with the mole people.
Asshole.
Math is Hard
Me: “Ok, that comes to $267.”
SC: “How much?!”
Me: “$267.”
SC: “Uh….120….plus…120….plus….ummmm……uh….ok.”
Yes, don’t strain yourself. Just let me do the math. Straight up addition is one of the more complex mathematical equations, I know. I mean, even Elmo needed big signs with numbers on them and a clever, yet catchy song to figure out how to do basic math. Here you are without any signs, no background music and no puppeteer’s hand up your ass to tell you what to do. You don’t have a chance, really.
….not that I have anyone’s hand up my ass mind you.
Indignity
Apparently, there is a chain of supermarkets in the States by the name of “Piggly Wiggly”. Yes, Piggly Wiggly. Piggly Wiggly. There is utterly no way to maintain any shred of professional dignity when you're trying to explain an issue from “Buck at Piggly Wiggly” to an on call guy.
If any of you work at Piggly Wiggly, you have my utmost sympathy. But don't call me.
Manners
Me: “Ok, and what size would you like?”
SC: “Uh…what sizes do you have?”
I’m trying to figure out how to say “All of them?” without sounding rude nor implying you’re an idiot. But I’m not having much luck, I’m afraid. How about you just tell me what size you want and we’ll just work it out from there?
Nubile~
Me: “Alright, I’ll page a tech for you”
SC: “So someone will call me?”
That’s generally what paging implies yes. Unless for some reason you believed I was about to grant you a young, nubile servant boy to dress you, clean your armour and take care of your horse. But seeing as I answered the line “Client Services” and not “Client Stable Boys” I’m not precisely sure where you would get this impression.
The Endurance Test
( omfg. For reference I'm just a switchboard for this company basically. I know crap and all about their services and products. I'm just suppose to connect them through. )
( Note: I must remove/alter much of the specific details to product my client's identity on this one. I can only say that it is something one would install in one's residence. )
Ok, I’m going to attempt to meticulously detail every line of this call from this morning. Why, you ask? Because it is an endurance test of epic proportions with a gentleman of whose slow descent into madness was just too riveting to turn away from. Like a train wreck.
See how far into it you can get before you develop a facial tic:
Me: “Good morning, <spiel>”
SC: “Hi, good morning”
Me: “Hi”
SC: “Where are you folks located? Which town?”
Me: “We service all of the US, honestly.”
SC: “I saw one of your signs in Bumfuck. You did a <project> there.”
Me: “Ok”
SC: “On Nubile Stable Boy St.”
Me: “Ok, would you like to speak to the local rep that covers that area?"
SC: “Well, tell me what do you guys do anyway?”
Me: “This is a <service> company.”
( The company name actually HAS the service in the title. )
SC: “You just do <service> nothing else?”
Me: “Yes”
SC: “What kind of <product> it was? Do you know?”
Me: “We do <space age material~> <product>-“
SC: “<space age material> <product>? What else? That all?”
Me: “Yes, we only do <service for product>.”
SC: “When I saw that <product>, it looked shiny. It don’t look like aluminum. it look like nice and smooth and shiny. Like brick colour.”
Ah, see. Here’s the dilemma. Our product is too shiny. So it was neigh impossible for his tiny mind to ignore.
Me: “Yes, they're <very shiny style of product>”
SC: “But they’re <supa space age material>?"
Me: “Yes”
SC: “<supa space age material>? Ok, now…..now-now it make sense.”
See that tiny verbal crack? And so it begins…..you may wish to take a moment to save your game.
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “They not very heavy right?”
Me: “...No.”
SC: “<supa space age> meaning like terracotta kind of thing?”
Me: “We have several styles-“
SC: “But same principle right? Basically it get locked, no nail or anything?"
Me: “....Correct.”
SC: “Just like uh, let me give another example. So I can understand better. You know siding people put it in? It locks from bottom than you nail from the top than you put another one?”
Me: “Similar to that, yes.”
SC: “Ok, how you attach? You just lay them? That it?”
Me: “They have a lining that needs to be inst-"
SC: “Laid down with what?”
Me: “They have a lining-“
SC: “Wha? Mining wha?”
Eject! Eject!
Me: “Ok, look, would you like to speak with a local rep? They have all of the inform-"
SC: “What, b- Why don’t you tell me that thing! You said something I don’t follow. They lock! BUT HOW YOU ATTACH?@"
Me: “If you would like more specific installation information you
SC: “No no! You said something! TELL ME!#~!!!!! Repeat that word again!!”
Me: “…Lining?”
SC: “SPELL IT!@%$!"
Me: “L-i-n-i-n-g?”
SC: “Oh, lining! So you put lining than you lock it there?”
Me: “…Yes?”
( Well no, but my life is in danger. )
SC: “Ok, cus I was wondering. Cus I was thinking they are very nice and shining, very nice I was wanting to look. I haven’t seen <product> it actually shines you know. Now it makes sense. How long do they last?”
Me: “They have a 10 year warranty on them."
SC: "10 year warranty? Um, what I’m asking….last year, the shiny….last year. Smooooooth looking thing? SHINY. How long do they last? 10?”
The precious. We wants it.
Me: “Yes”
SC: “They not going to get, you know things get oxidized and not shiny?”
Oh, God forbid they turn not shiny.
Me: “No, they have 10 year warranty.”
And can only be unmade in the fires of Mount Doom.
SC: “On anything? Including the shininess? I hope you still in business? If it break, who do I contact? You guys?”
Me: “Yes you would contact us.”
SC: “You guys located where?!”
Me: “We cover all of the US, so-“
SC: “But where?!”
Me: “Ok, look, if you would like specific information I must put you through to the local off-"
SC: “Why not tell me!? You have something to hide?!”
Me: “The local rep-“
SC: “No no, I will talk to him, but I call them I have to spent many hours with him I have to get information. I like shiny."
Many hours he says and I do not doubt him for a moment. Perhaps I should stop trying to offer a call back. The local rep is in danger and I am the only one who can save him.
Me: “We have several offices, usually each state has its own-“
SC: “So where is the office near me!?”
Me: “Well, as I said we cover all of the US, so I can put you through t-"
SC: “Every address have a different head office?”
Me: “Would you like me to connect y-"
SC: “HANG ON I AM NOT AN IDIOT!$@ I ASK VERY SPECIFIC QUESTION YOU SAID MANY HEAD OFFICE so that brings to me scenario that where in! So I asked you address! So if I have 1 million address there are 1 million head office, that doesn’t sound right!”
Danger, Will Robinson!
Me: “….Ok, would you like-”
SC: “I NEED ANSWER FROM YOU FIRST”
Me: “Look, I cannot give you any further information. You must sp-"
SC: “Reason I ask this we had <competing product>"
Must….wrest back control of helm.
Me: “Ok, would you like to speak with the local office or not?"
SC: “You picked up phone! On a 800 number, so you have responsible to give me information!!!”
Well, no, technically, I don’t. I’m trying to show you the gateway to this information. The pipeline directly to it if you will. However, no matter how many times I flush you are refusing to go down it.
Me: “We don’t have all the de-“
SC: “What did I tell you?1 I will call local office if I think I should spent the money, of course money nothing is free, if I spent time with him it will be several hours and I do not want to kill someone with this time!”
You’re coming rather close already, honestly.
SC: “You have website?!”
Me: “…Yes its <website>”
SC: “But naturally you cannot give me pricing anyway can you? You are very adamant about this local rep!”
Why, thank you. I'm suppose to be as its my fscking job on this line.
SC: “Ok, so I’ll take a look at internet. Because I have seen all kind of goofy small company fly by night. You do job, it look good than it break. I have 10 year <competing product> from company and it BREAK."
Me: “Would you like to speak with the local office or not?"
SC: “Wait wait, LISTEN! LISTEN TO ME!@$! We got <product> from <competitor> and it BREAK! IT BREAK!!@# IT BREEAAAAAAKAAAAA!$@%@~~^%"
…annnnd that’s quite enough yelling, screaming and general insanity as I finally disconnected him. I honestly doubt I would get a shred of information out of this farking lunatic and even if I did, I could not in good conscious send a poor local rep into this kind of danger.
The Fangirl
Me: “Good evening, <client>”
FG: “WHARGARBL!@$ CELL PHONE!”
Oh, hello there. Wow, haven’t heard from crazy stalker lady in about 2 weeks now. We were afraid ( hopeful ) you’d been hit by a bus or something.
FG" “I TELL YOU SOMETHING!!# ALHDALHRB MY PHONE YAHDAJH CELL”
Me: “….what….. the Hell are you talking about?”
FG: “WHAT AM I TALK ABOUT?! My phone! :JFASD$!*A cell phone now!$#”
As far as I can gather from the estranged ranting that follow, They(tm) took away her land line phone to stop her from harassing half of the city. So she ferreted away loose change till she could afford one of those pay as you go cell phones from 7/11 with which to resume harassing half of the city.
Might I suggest a ball gag and a medical alert beeper? That way she can still call for help in the event of an emergency but will be restrained from talking at anyone without a qualified psychology degree ever again.
Hot Tips
The reason there are so many kidnappings in the world is because the Anti-Christ is back >
Because we have Jesus’s birthday wrong so >
Jesus is angry or something so now we have the Anti Christ >
Prince Charle’s initials are PC which in algebra means Pedophile Call so >
Prince Charles is the Anti Christ >
Prince Charles is the reason there are so many kidnappings in the world
It’s the Ciiiiiircle of Liiiiiife~
The Fangirl
Me: “Good evening, <client>”
FG: “HELLO!?$”
Me: “Insert clever retort here.”
FG: "...WHAT!?"
What? I’m tired of coming up with new ones. She can make up her own from now on.
annnnd I'm free~ For now.
Sounds like just about every gangsta wannabe's 'rap video'
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