You can have what you want if you just SHUT UP AND LISTEN! (Somewhat epic length)

[WouldYouLikeToBuyAPhone?]

The players:

Me: Yours truly
SC: Mr Argumentative
LM: The most awesome manager in the world (Legendary Manager for short)

It all started early this morning. My team has a shared email address that customers can find on our website. We were pretty quiet this morning so I answered a few emails between calls. One such email was from Mr Argumentative. His email, when printed out, was nearly 2 pages long. Once I'd battled through his poor literary skills, I established there were 3 main points to his email: 1) We had sent him a phone that didn't work, eg it wouldn't even turn on, 2) This was the first time he had contacted us in regards to his issue, meaning we had not had an opportunity to fix said problem, and 3) He was VERY unhappy about the situation (read, he was a big fat wanker who gets his jollies from making the lives of customer service representatives such as ourselves a living hell).

Right, ok, no worries. We can't fix a broken phone over email, so I write back telling him that he needs to call us, and we will be happy to fix the problem for him. Granted, I was a bit cheeky in my reply email (his email had ranted at length about how he had spend 2 hours on the phone to <My company> trying to get this resolved and no one could help him, I pointed out that the number he needed to call to have this fixed was printed in bold on the 7 hundred million pieces of correspondance we had sent him during the week since he had first ordered his phone, and had he called this number in the first place, his problem would be fixed by now). End of story? Oh no, I don't think so!

A few hours later, I get a call from Mr Argumentative.
(NB, I am translating. For the most part his poor grasp of the English language meant I struggled to understand him. Plus, he was yelling pretty much every word he said in a really aggressive manner.)


Me: Welcome to <My company>, you're speaking with WouldYouLikeToBuyAPhone.
SC: Hello, WouldYouLikeToBuyAPhone, my name is Mr Argumentative. I received an email from you today... Yes! (Sounding rather pleased) it has your name on it right here!
Me: (Clicking frantically to find the email I had sent to him... realisation dawns as I find it and realise he is probably not my biggest fan just now, but no matter, I can fix his problem easy enough.) Ok, Mr Argumentative...
SC: (Over the top of me) You sent me a phone and it doesn't work!
Me: (Scanning through email) Ok, I've got the email you sent us in front of me...
SC: (Cutting over me (This happens so often that I'll stop saying it. Assume that SC is talking over me at all times unless otherwise specified)) The phone you sent me if a defective piece of crap! Now well me if I am just being stupid, but I am doing what the instruction manual says and pressing the on/off switch and the phone won't turn on! Am I pressing the right button? (Dripping with so much sarcasm you could spread it on toast and feed breakfast to a family of 5)
Me: Well Mr Argumentative, if your pressing the button that the manual says its probably right, but I'm not to familiar with the particular phone you have...
SC: I AM NOT STUPID! (A sure sign that you probably are. The old 'never trust someone who says trust me' springs to mind...)
Me: I never suggested you were. Lets see if we can get this sorted out for you.
SC: You WILL send me a working unit! You will not be charging me a cent until you send me a working unit!
Me: Of course not. Now we have to check a few things to make sure that it is indeed defective. Have you tried charging the battery and making sure that the battery is connected correctly?
SC: I AM AN ENGINEER! DO YOU THINK I AM SO STUPID THAT I DID NOT THINK OF THESE THINGS! I have done EVERYTHING in my power to make this phone work!
Note: The first line of his email was 'I am now nearly convinced that the phone is defective.
Me: Of course Mr Argumentative, we have to ask all customers this just to be sure.
SC: I AM SURE THAT YOU HAVE SENT ME A DEFECTIVE PIECE OF CRAP! HOW DOES YOUR BUSINESS EXPECT TO MAKE ANY MONEY IF YOU SEND OUT SHIT PHONES THAT DO NOT WORK??!? (Blah blah rants on for a bit about all how he is clever and I am stupid and his phone won't turn on.)
Me: Have had enough of this asshat, to hell with procedure, I decide to just give him what he wants to get rid of him.) Well Mr Argumentative, now that we've established that your phone doesn't work, I can send out a replacement for you. Once you receive this replacement, you need to send back the faulty one. In the meantime, we will place a charge on your bill for the cost of the replacement, and once we receive the faulty phone back, we will remove this charge.
SC: YOU WILL NOT CHARGE ME ANYTHING UNTIL YOU SEND ME A WORKING PHONE!
Me: You don't have to pay this charge, we just place it on your bill to cover the cost of the replacement, and once we receive the faulty on back, we will remove the charge. You DON'T have to pay it....
SC: You will not charge me anything! You sent me a piece of crap phone and you are stupid and I will not pay you anything! I didn't even want this piece of crap!
Me: (Thinking, if you didn't want it, why did you buy it?) Mr Argumentative, if you will let me explain...
SC: I don't want to hear your explanations! I didn't even want this stupid phone! If you put a charge on my bill, I will put a charge against your company!
Me: Mr Argumentative, you don't have to pay...
SC: I don't want to hear your crap! If I wasn't so polite, I would tell you where you can stick your phone! I won't say but if you use your imagination you will work it out!!
Me: (Thinking, if you weren't so polite????) Mr Argumentative, if you will let me explain, I CAN send you a phone that works. Then you send the faulty phone back, and we will remove that charge from your bill...
SC: YOU WILL NOT CHARGE ME ANYTHING UNTIL YOU SEND ME A PHONE THAT WORKS!
Me: I can't send you a phone that works unless you agree to this.
SC: I don't want to hear your shit! Just send me a phone that works!
Me: Mr Argumentative, I am going to send you a phone that works, if you will just let me explain...
SC: I don't want to hear your explanations!
Me: If you will just listen to me, I AM going to give you what you want if you will just let me explain..

Lather, rinse and repeat for 20 FRIGGING MINUTES! (I am not exaturating, he actually kept saying the same shit over and over for 20 minutes)

SC: I do not want to hear your explanations! I JUST WANT A PHONE THAT WORKS! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!
Me: FINE! (Stabs the hold button so hard my finger nearly went through it. Looked over at my manager and realised by the look on her face that she had been listening in to the call and had heard the whole thing.)

This particular manager is the most Awesome manager ever. Earlier in the day, she had driven to McDonalds and shouted all of us lunch, just because she is awesome. She is also the kind of manager who takes no shit from anyone, ever. She also loves to mess with customers heads.. more on that later

Me: I think he wants to talk to you.
LM: Bring it on.

I didn't get to hear the whole call, I was so angry with this stupid man that my hands were shaking so I went straight to the smoking area once LM took over the call, but as I was on my way out I hear LM say 'Well if you don't want to hear anything <My company> had to say, what was the point of calling?'


This post is getting massively long to I'll continue it in another post...

[WouldYouLikeToBuyAPhone?]

You can have what you want if you just SHUT UP AND LISTEN! (Part 2&amp;still epic length)

After I came back from my break, LM had just finished talking to SC and came over to tell me the deal. Basically, her no shit attitude had kinda worked on SC, and he was now willing to accept a replacement phone. Because our managers basically don't know how to do our jobs (They don't speak to customers at all unless they ask for a manager so thats fair enough) I had to call the customer back to organise the replacement. He told her he wants the replacement delivered to a different address that what the original was sent to, so I have to get that address. He also asked her for a number for customer services, which she gave him (a 1300 number, which is charged as a local call.) He also wanted a custmer services number he can call from overseas, which LM didn't know, which I also have to give him.


At this point I remembered that at one point, I had said something and SC had said 'Thats not what you said before! Would you like me to replay what you said for you!' Customers recording our calls without our permission is a big No No, is actually illegal in Australia, but at the time he said it I hadn't twigged. I told LM that and she got that cheeky glint in her eye..

LM: When you call him back, tell him the call may be recorded and see what he says!


She then plugged into my phone and sat next to me to listen, so that mean she could hear everything I said, including the things I said while I had the mute button on... By this stage, I had had a-bloody-nuff of him and just wanted to get it over and done with.


Me: Hi Mr Argumentative, this is WouldYouLikeToButAPhone calling back from <My Company>.
SC: Oh, hello WouldYouLikeToButAPhone. (He sounded a lot calmer than he had before so I though I was safe...)
Me: Just so you know, this call may be recorded for training purposes (This is the standard schpeil we have to give any time we call a customer.)
SC: Very well, I'll be recording it too.
Me: It is illegal for you to record this call without my permisson, and I do not give my permission for you to record this call.
SC: (Straight away slips back into his sucky customer shouty attitude) IF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO RECORD THIS CALL THAN SO AM I!!
Me: If you do not want this call to be recorded, I can hang up and call back and ensure that the call is not recorded.
SC: What makes you think that it is alright for you to record the call but it is not alright for me to record it?
Me: As I said, If you don't want this call recorded...
SC: You didn't answer my question! What makes you think that it is alright for you to record the call but it is not alright for me to record it?
Me: I don't think its alright. Thats why I gave you the option for me to call you back...
SC: You did not give me that option!
Me: Yes I did. I told you that if you don't want it recorded...
SC: You did not give me that option straight away! You waited until I said...
Me: (Cutting him off for a change...) The point is, I have now given you the option. If you don't want the call recorded then you have to say so now.
SC: YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME THE OPTION UNTIL I SAID...
Me: (Cutting him off again.. meanwhile, my manager is listening to every word and is ROFL, thinking this is the best fun she's had in ages) IF YOU DON'T WANT THE CALL RECORDED THEN YOU NEED TO SAY SO NOW. (Said in my don't-fuck-with-me voice)
SC: I don't want this call recorded.
Me: THEN I WILL CALL YOU BACK (stabs the hang up button like it killed my firstborn, buried my face in my hands and made a sound that sounds like GGGGGRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!! )

LM: (Laughing so hard she actually has tears in her eyes) This is great!!! Ring him back!!

After a few deep breaths, I ring SC back. First, I made sure I had his order for the original phone, as well as his account for the other phones he has with <My company> open on my computer.

Me: Hi Mr Argumentative, this is WouldYouLikeToButAPhone from <My company>. Now, as we agreed, this call is not being recorded from either end.
SC: Ok.
Me: (Thinking, that was too easy. What does he have up his sleeve??) Ok Mr Argumentative, LM tells me that you would like the replacement sent to a different address than the original was sent to. Can I please have the address you would like it sent to?
SC: You have my correct address on file.
Me: Ok, (brings up his order for the phone) Ok Mr Argumentative, I need you to confirm the 5 digit password on your account so we can proceed (Whenever we talk about a customers account, they have to confirm the password).
SC: Well last time i called they said I had an 8 digit password!
Me: On your existing account we have an 8 digit password, which you chose when you opened that account. When you ordered your faulty phone, you chose a 5 digit password. The one I need is the 5 digit password you chose for your new application for <faulty phone>.
SC: LAST TIME THEY WOULN'T ACCEPT MY 5 DIGIT PASSWORD, THEY SAID I HAD AN 8 DIGIT PASSWORD...
Me: (Cutting SC off before he gets on a rant) Thats because you have an 8 digit password on your existing account. You called the wrong number last time, and only the people on this number can see your 5 digit password. Now can I please have your 5 digit password.
SC: Last time they wouldn't accept...
Me: (Cutting him off) WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME DOESN'T MATTER NOW. CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR 5 DIGIT PASSWORD. (NB I didn't yell this, just said it in my stern voice)
SC: xxxxx
Me: Thankyou. Now, the address we sent the original to was 99 Fuckwit Street, Stupidville. Is this the address you would like the replacement sent to?
SC: That is not my correct address! I have updated my address with you people! If you are too stupid...
Me: THIS IS THE ADDRESS THAT YOU PROVIDED WHEN YOU ORDERED THE FAULTY PHONE. IS THIS THE ADDRESS YOU WANT THE REPLACEMENT SENT TO? (Anyone who has never met my Dad cannot understand just how terrifying the tone of voice I was using is. Its the tone of voice my Dad used when I did things like getting caught shoplifting when I was 14, if that gives you any idea.)
SC: No, the address I want it sent to is the one I changed it to! If you don't have it on file...
Me: (Bringing up his account for his existing numbers, and now well and truly at the end of my rope) THE ADDRESS WE HAVE ON FILE IS 12 ASSHOLE STREET IN FUCK-YOU-AND-THE-HORSE-YOU-RODE-IN-ON-VILLE. IS THIS WHERE YOU WOULD LIKE YOUR REPLACEMENT SENT??
SC: Yes.
Me: GOOD. I will arrange for the replacement to be sent to you.
SC: Good. Now I have one, no two, no, three, no two more questions for you. Let your record show that I have two more questions for you.
Me: (Puts SC on mute and says in the tone of voice makes you belive I mean it, 'I know where you live, Mr Argumentative. I will find you and burn your house down while you sleep, with you and your faulty fucking phone in it'. LM, along with my whole team, who were listening to me by this point, were laughing so hard that a I wouldn't be surprised if a little bit of wee came out. Clearly they didn't realise that I mean it. I even wrote his address down.)
SC: What address do you have on file for me?
Me: (In a tone of voice that would make the devil himself shake in his shoes. Imagine the voice of the metatron and you'll get the idea.) 12 ASSHOLE STREET IN FUCK-YOU-AND-THE-HORSE-YOU-RODE-IN-ON-VILLE.
SC: Good, that is the right one. Now, what is the number I call for customer service from overseas? (Starting to get his SC on) LM didn't know and she said you would tell me...
Me: +61 4XX XXX XXX (This number is an Australian mobile number in international format. You can call it from overseas, but if you try and call it from within Australia, it will tell you your call cannot be connected.)
SC: I can see thats a mobile number, I can just dial 04xx...
ME: You cannot dial that number from within Australia.
SC: Its clearly a mobile number, I can call....
Me: YOU CANNOT DIAL THAT NUMBER FROM WITHIN AUSTRALIA. IT WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO CONNECT.
SC: FINE. Now finally, I would like you to reply to my email and address EVERY point I raised in my email this morning.
Me: I have already replied to your email and told you that to call us to address your issues...
SC: (He acually had the NERVE to talk over me again, after I had used my 'Dad after I got caught shoplifting' and 'would have satan cowering behind the couch' voices) YOUR REPLY TO MY EMAIL WAS ONE A CHILD WOULD WRITE!
Me: (Now actually yelling, LM was looking at me like she though I was god) I HAVE ADDRESSED ALL YOUR ISSUES IN THIS CALL AND THE PREVIOUS ONE. I AM NOT REPLYING TO YOUR EMAIL AGAIN. THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO FOR YOU.
SC: You WILL send me another reply addressing ALL the issues in my email! Your reply was a CHILDS reply!
ME: (In metatron voice, and yelling) NO I WON'T. I HAVE ADDRESSED ALL YOUR ISSUES.
SC: If you don't, I will raise a charge against you!
Me: I don't know what you mean by that, but there is nothing more I can help you with.
SC: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN?? IT WILL BECOME EVIDENT! (Finally, thank GOD, hangs up on me.)

LM: (Taking in my bright red face, my shaking hands and the steam coming out of my ears) Go have a smoke. NOW.



Sorry for the massively epic length, but Mr Argumentative REALLY pissed me off and I needed to get it out of my system. *Cue beginning of rant* I just can't get over how bloody STUPID he was! He was just looking for a fight, if he had just told me what he wanted and BLOODY LET ME FIX IT, the whole call would've been over in 5 minutes! Instead, he wasted an hour and a half of my time with his SUCKINESS!!!!

I hope you found it enjoyable and thank you for reading!

[Talon]

An hour and a half of your life, irrevocably gone, forever.

Think of what else you could have done in that black hole of bullshittery? You could have been saving lives!

[Salted Grump]

*offers you several KEGS of Beer* Drink until the stupid no longer hurts. That should help.

[tropicsgoddess]

SC: What address do you have on file for me?
Me: (In a tone of voice that would make the devil himself shake in his shoes. Imagine the voice of the metatron and you'll get the idea.) 12 ASSHOLE STREET IN FUCK-YOU-AND-THE-HORSE-YOU-RODE-IN-ON-VILLE.
SC: Good, that is the right one.

You don't know who I am but I know where you live...... Damn, you could use a couple of cartons of smokes and some cases of strong liquor after dealing with that asshat. Here's some on me

[Peppergirl]

OMG - I second what TG said.

I would TOTALLY buy you mass quantities of alcohol if you lived near me.

[XCashier]

Holy Moly. What an asshole. You're right, he was just looking for a fight, to spread a bit of assholery around.

That SC needs to take a ride through the Chipmobile:

The dumb thing is, if he had indeed just shut up and listened, the whole problem would've been fixed in, what, five minutes? Without the raised blood pressure and tension headaches. Freaking jackass. Maybe someday he'll try this crap with someone else and he'll spontaneously self-combust from his own anger.

[Skeksin]

My condolences on having to deal with that.
Also if he tries to pull anything else keep us updated. Especially if he gets shut down.

[Ill_Used_Heroine]

You have my total sympathies for having to deal with that idiot. I'm sure his actions will eventually bite him in the ass.

And how do I know this? Because >I< dealt with someone like that not too long ago.

Here's the deal. This patron owed $35.50 in fines on her library card and in reality, paid $26.00 of it to bring it down to under the threshhold so she could borrow more items. She had me on the phone for a half an hour, not listening to my explanations of her fines, etc., and talking over me when I tried to explain. There was one point where I asked her if she was done talking, and if not to let me know when she was done. She insisted she had paid the entire amount, and not just $26.00, while I insisted that she had only paid $26.00, probably so she could borrow more items (because that is what was in her record on the computer). Not only that, but she paid it at another branch, so there was no way I could even check the register journal tape for that day to see if she paid more then what was recorded on her record.

So, it ended with me asking her if she had her receipt (yes), so I invited her down to my library with her receipt and if it said she paid $35.50, and not $26.00, I'll mark the remaining $9.50 paid. She was like, "Oh, don't worry ... I WILL be there!" I entered a HUGE note on her record with a detailed explanation and waited.

Side Note: After that phone call, a co-worker remarked that she had never heard me use that tone of voice with a patron, ever, in the 10 years I've been here.

Yeah, so she never showed up. A week later, I check her record, and see that she paid $1.50 more (another $1.00 had been added to her amount, making it $10.50 and gotta be under $10.00 to borrow). I chuckled to myself and added to the note that seeing as how she paid money on the fines she originally contested and never showed up to prove me wrong, I will consider the matter closed and the fines stand as is.

Just checked yesterday, and she now owes us over $50.00 in fines. Gotta love karma!

[Chanlin]

Drink until the stupid no longer hurts.

Is there seriously enough alcohol in the world for this to happen?

[Duncan MacLeod]

that was an AWESOME post.

I love EPIC LENGTH

That was almost GraveKeeper Epic.

I think you need something stronger than a cigarette to smoke...

[joe hx]

a while ago my stepdad got a replacement for a "faulty" palm pilot (or one of those early monocrome palm computer thingies) that was just out of batteries. he's mexican, and his english wasn't too great back then... god i hope he wasn't an sc to someone...

[Anakah]

I think its kind of weird that the managers don't know how to do your job too.. I mean how did they become managers? I would not have talked to that asshole for that long. You have nerves of steel and the patience of a saint. I don't think I could have kept myself that calm and professional. You are awesome.

[Gravekeeper]

Jesus Christ, dude. ><

LM say 'Well if you don't want to hear anything <My company> had to say, what was the point of calling?'

I swear I am borrowing that and saving it whilst I await even the slightest opening I can use it in on a caller.

My boss is similar, actually. She finds the epic battles I end up waging to be amusing, so I know I have back up if needed. -.-

[MannersMakethMan]

Flamin' Nora. You just can't believe one guys asshattery made something so simple into such a complicated call. You have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you talk, and someone needs an urgent lesson in that.

By the way, I love his address. My monitor, alas, does not...