Tweet
I'm becoming even more of a bastard...
<sigh> I'm slipping more and more =p
( Crap! I just realized I'm missing a days worth...dammit. Its still at work. Guess they'll be an early post next week -.- )
Repeat After Me
SC: “Ya, can you leave a message for Vick?”
Me: “Hmm, to be honest this is an after hours emergency line, so I can only take urgent messages at this hour. Was it urgent?”
SC: “Well, she was going to send me something but she has the wrong postal code.”
Oooh, and I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer. Oh well, tell him what we have for a consolation prize, Bob:
Me: “Ah, ok. I’m afraid you’ll still have to call when the office is open than to reach her.”
SC: “You can’t even leave a God damn message?!”
Oooh, and I’m afraid we’re going to have to dock you 5 points for a sudden outburst of immature man child rage. If only you’d kept your furious monkey lips shut and not plastered raw, dribbling spit on the receiver you could have walked away with a new
toaster oven at the very least.
Me: “I’m afraid this is an emergency line only. I can only take urgent calls."
SC: “Yeah well it’s pretty damn urgent! <click>”
Well, no, no it’s not really. Allow me to share with you a single, succulent piece of wisdom….a mantra, if you will, that we of the customer industry have drudged up from the deep ocean floor and pried gleaming from the maw of the darkest oyster: An emergency on your part does not constitute an emergency on ours.
If you could just take that little nugget, perhaps scribe it gently upon a small piece of the finest papyrus, gently fold it and slip it into a tiny glass jar with the whitest of sands so you can wear it around your neck and forever hold it close to your heart, we would greatly appreciate it.
Oh, and thank you for calling.
Argh, Playoffs
Attention Canucks fans and general hockey enthusiasts: Now, before I begin, allow me to preface my statement by saying that I too like hockey and am pleased when the Canucks defeat a foe. But that being said……SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh my lord. Yes, a certain amount of jubilation, cheering, hooting and honking is perfectly acceptable in the event of victory. However, once you have entered an enclosed space, such as a building, or the Skytrain, it is time to dial it down just a teensy bit out of respect to your fellow homo sapiens. If you screaming and hollering at the top of your lungs and banging on the walls and ceiling like a group of 5 years old that are being swarmed by bees than it is time to sit down, shut the hell up for 30 seconds and take a deep breath.
You are no longer merely expressing exuberance at victory. You have crossed the border between enthusiasm and obnoxiousness on a Labatt’s Genuine Draft passport and it’s time to sit down, shut the fuck up and be quiet for your deportation hearing.
God I *hate* These People
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: ‘Yeah, evening.”
Me: “Hi”
SC: “I’m a tenant of suite 404 Fuckwit St”
Me: “Ok”
SC: “Just lost my hot water for the 2nd time this week. Probably 5th time this month.
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “and you just gave me a rent increase of $25-“
Uh oh. Here we go, brace yourself lads! The skies be darkenin’
Me: “Ok, well we're only their afterhours service. Have you tried contacting your building caretaker?"
SC: “They’re off at 5!”
No they're not, but ok.
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “So you’re an afterhours service for what?”
Me: “I’m the answering service for <company> for when their office is closed.”
SC: “Yeah? And what are you gonna do?”
Resist the urge to tell you precisely what you can go do.
Me: “Ok, can I have your name please?”
SC: “I gave you my suite number.”
Me: “Yes, but I would still need your name and phone number.”
SC: “I don’t see why.”
Ugh, cripes. He’s one of those.
Me: “I can’t have anyone contact you regarding this unless I have that information”
SC: “Then we have a dilemma.”
I beg to differ, my good man. You have a dilemma. You have no hot water yet for some reason you’re being so uptight about it I would doubt we could winch a safety pin out from between your butt cheeks with a tractor. If you are unwilling to make even the slightest amount of effort to have this problem resolved, that’s up to you. It is not I who will be going the evening without hot water should our negotiations fall apart. I will simply hang up and return to assisting people that actually deserve it.
Meanwhile you will be showering Shinto monk style beneath a frigid waterfall for the rest of the week until you hopefully achieve enough inner peace to not act like a total greased weasel fuckhole to people that are just trying to help you.
Oi
I would just like to put a “shout out” to my “homies” in <the far far arctic> Who were having their bi-annual Calling of the Pants festival this evening and insisted on passing the catalog around the entire village so everyone could call one after another. To place orders for their very own 50 Cent rap video extra attire.
Seriously, you know a town is small when you get 6 callers in a row from it and they own PO Boxes 1, 3, 6, 7, 5 and 11 respectively.
You Want....what?
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “…..uhhh…….no, but my husband wants to talk to you.”
Me: “…ok?”
Than why did he not just call himself? Is he incapable of dialing? Does the vast selection of numbers on the keypad confuse and alarm him? Are his fingers too fat? Did he try mashing the keypad to obtain a special dialing wand?
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “Hi, uh, I wanna buy a shop dat paints cars-“
…..what? Ok, now I may not know every single item in our catalogue, but I can tell you with a fair amount of confidence that we do not, in fact, sell autobody businesses. Even if we did, I’m not precisely sure how you think we’d ship it to you. By COD no less.
Me: “…pardon?”
SC: “Like credit cards, like VISA or Mastercard-“
Oh, paint cards. Oooh, ok, that makes a lot more se-….ok no it doesn’t. That actually makes even less sense. What in the heck are you talking about? I’ve seen Flipper communicate more successfully than you are.
SC: “Do you have any cards? Like you only have to pay once every 30 days? Like a credit card?”
Me: “…..no, we do not, sorry.”
….wait wait wait. You’re hoping for a <company> credit card to charge your pants too? Ok, that makes sense. It’s utterly stupid. But at least it makes sense. Even if we did have some sort of credit card, I wouldn’t sign you up for it. That would be beyond foolish. I doubt Visa or Mastercard ventures that far north either. If you had a credit card up there, you could just run it up to the limit ordering stuff and not have a thing to worry about.
I mean what are they going to do? Send someone to repossess it? They’re only hope would be to hitch a ride with an arctic surveyor expedition or a National Geographic photographer. Nevermind trying to get it back.
Oh right
SC: “My name is Harold!”
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “I’M IN YOUR INTERNET. LOOKING AT YOUR DIFFERENT ROOF.”
what the….that…sounds oddly familiar. Where have I heard that kind of thing before….
Ah, right. There we go.
<sob>
Me: "Are you calling to place an order?"
SC: “Where’s da closest place to pick up the order?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Like the closest post office.”
….I suspect you are vastly overestimating the level and type of services we provide. Especially given the complete void of information provided from your end. In order to successfully answer that inquiry I would require clairvoyant abilities vastly beyond anything the world has ever heard of. But alas, sadly, I am not Professor Xavier and you are not capable of thinking before opening your mouth.
So we will have to part at this impasse.
Oh?
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “No phone.”
Not to argue or anything, but there does seem to be rather overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
( and yes she coughed up the number after I told her no phone, no pants. )
and no, this is not even close to Sears
Me: "Good morning, <company>"
SC: “Yeah, uh, I wanna sign up”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “I wanna get a Sears card.”
You want to get a Sears card or paint a Sears card?
Bravo
Oh, Skytrain. Always the hurdling metal tube of all that is idiotic, strange and downright creepy of our fair city. Tonight’s episode falls into the idiotic category. A pair of strapping ( Ok, short, spindly and stick like ) young lads stepped on at Metrotown and it was immediately evident they were under the influence of something. Whether it was injected, ingested, inhaled or administered as a suppository I could not tell you. But whatever it was, it was going over as one part sugar rush and one part spiritual journey.
One of these two simply could not sit down. The very act of sitting still made him vibrate. So he kept standing up, sitting down, standing up, sitting down, over and over. Till finally, not content with the mere act of standing up, he decided acrobatics were in order. Firmly grasping a pole in each hand he proceeded to flip forward and attempt to turn himself upside down.
Now, to his credit, he did achieve this without falling on his skull and spine. However, he still had to contend with the basic laws of gravity. Which is to say if you flip yourself upside down, guess what? Gravity doesn’t flip upside down with you. Which means eeeeverything in your pockets, such as all of your change and your keys, will suddenly come spilling out of your pants in a jingling cascade onto the Skytrain floor. Where it will proceed to scatter and attempt to flee whilst you desperately scamper around after them on your hands and knees.
Curious...
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
Automated Voice: "Hello, this is Telus Text to Land Line Messaging Service”
Hello, creepy automated voice lady.
AV: “You have received a text to land line message from xxx-xxx-xxxx”
Have I now? Oh glee!
AV: “Press 1 to hear it.”
Oh oh, I shall!
AV: “Kamloops rocks my world.”
....curious. Also, really weird coming from creepy automated voice lady.
AV: “Press 2 to send a reply”
...Oh? Glee. I shall.
AV: “Please say your message after the beep. <beep!>”
Me: “Your world must be very small.”
AV: “Your message has been sent. Thank you for using Telus Text to Landline services.”
<cough>
.....alrighty
Caller reported that the employee at <store location> is rather intoxicated and attempting to head butt him. ....There isn’t a lot I can say to that. I mean I even feel a little bad. At the very least can we get him a $5 gift card or something for having a drunken employee try to crush his face?
Maybe a free slurpee?
This is all true
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Aa-yup! I wanna place an order.”
Me: “Ok, what is your first name please?”
SC: “Nike Men Lay Up Short”
Well, Mr Nike Men Lay Up Short, what can I do for you?
Me: “Ok, but what is your name please?”
SC: “Uh, oh. Bob.”
Me: “Bob?”
SC: “Aa-yup”
Ok, thaaaaat’s gotta stop.
Me: “and what’s your postal code please?”
SC: “XXX XXX”
….<small arctic town that calls me constantly> Of course. I should have known. <shakes fists>
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Aa-yup. Nike Men Lay Up Short.”
Me: “Ok, what’s the ID number please?”
SC: “xxxxx”
Wait wait wait. Those are basketball shorts. You want to order basketball shorts? Basketball…shorts? Really? No, seriously, basketball shorts? For the arctic? There is absolutely no way you have a basketball court there……
…..ok yeah, see. I’m looking at the Google Map satellite image and no, there is no basketball court there. All you have is a “hotel”, apparently. It looks like a mobile home and offers “supplies for arctic explorers” as well as “polar bear watching”. There is a picture on the website of an actual polar bear trying to get in the window of the hotel. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ADVERTISEMENT!? Ho-lee CARP.
Seriously, this:
Is NOT good for business. You won’t get much repeat business if your customers are devoured in the night. Now I see why the rooms cost $200 per person up front. Because they may not live to pay their bill.
Dick
SC: “Can you tell if he’s in the office?”
Me: “I’m afraid the office is closed-“
SC: “Yeah I know but he goes there a lot. Can you go check if he’s there?”
Me: “..I’m afraid we’re not close enough to physically check…”
SC: “Well no, but don’t you have any way of calling in and checking?”
Me: “I don’t have an overline, sorry.”
SC: “You DO have an overline. Well, whatever.”
Me: “I d-“
SC: “<click>”
You’re the kind of person that “wins” arguments by storming out of the room, aren’t you?
I'm losing it
SC: "You know whats good for you?"
Me: "...pardon?"
SC: "Hiking. you should try hiking or walking-"
Me: "....."
SC: "-Especially long hikes. They're good exercise. There's lots of places to hike around-"
Me: "..........."
SC: Did you know walking is the best exercise there is?
Me: "That'll do, pig. That'll do"
SC: "......"
Me: "......"
SC: "Ok, goodnight."
Me: "Bye."
What's that? Oh, why yes, I am an asshole. Thank you for asking.
( Crap! I just realized I'm missing a days worth...dammit. Its still at work. Guess they'll be an early post next week -.- )
Repeat After Me
SC: “Ya, can you leave a message for Vick?”
Me: “Hmm, to be honest this is an after hours emergency line, so I can only take urgent messages at this hour. Was it urgent?”
SC: “Well, she was going to send me something but she has the wrong postal code.”
Oooh, and I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer. Oh well, tell him what we have for a consolation prize, Bob:
Me: “Ah, ok. I’m afraid you’ll still have to call when the office is open than to reach her.”
SC: “You can’t even leave a God damn message?!”
Oooh, and I’m afraid we’re going to have to dock you 5 points for a sudden outburst of immature man child rage. If only you’d kept your furious monkey lips shut and not plastered raw, dribbling spit on the receiver you could have walked away with a new
toaster oven at the very least.
Me: “I’m afraid this is an emergency line only. I can only take urgent calls."
SC: “Yeah well it’s pretty damn urgent! <click>”
Well, no, no it’s not really. Allow me to share with you a single, succulent piece of wisdom….a mantra, if you will, that we of the customer industry have drudged up from the deep ocean floor and pried gleaming from the maw of the darkest oyster: An emergency on your part does not constitute an emergency on ours.
If you could just take that little nugget, perhaps scribe it gently upon a small piece of the finest papyrus, gently fold it and slip it into a tiny glass jar with the whitest of sands so you can wear it around your neck and forever hold it close to your heart, we would greatly appreciate it.
Oh, and thank you for calling.
Argh, Playoffs
Attention Canucks fans and general hockey enthusiasts: Now, before I begin, allow me to preface my statement by saying that I too like hockey and am pleased when the Canucks defeat a foe. But that being said……SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh my lord. Yes, a certain amount of jubilation, cheering, hooting and honking is perfectly acceptable in the event of victory. However, once you have entered an enclosed space, such as a building, or the Skytrain, it is time to dial it down just a teensy bit out of respect to your fellow homo sapiens. If you screaming and hollering at the top of your lungs and banging on the walls and ceiling like a group of 5 years old that are being swarmed by bees than it is time to sit down, shut the hell up for 30 seconds and take a deep breath.
You are no longer merely expressing exuberance at victory. You have crossed the border between enthusiasm and obnoxiousness on a Labatt’s Genuine Draft passport and it’s time to sit down, shut the fuck up and be quiet for your deportation hearing.
God I *hate* These People
Me: “Good evening, <company>”
SC: ‘Yeah, evening.”
Me: “Hi”
SC: “I’m a tenant of suite 404 Fuckwit St”
Me: “Ok”
SC: “Just lost my hot water for the 2nd time this week. Probably 5th time this month.
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “and you just gave me a rent increase of $25-“
Uh oh. Here we go, brace yourself lads! The skies be darkenin’
Me: “Ok, well we're only their afterhours service. Have you tried contacting your building caretaker?"
SC: “They’re off at 5!”
No they're not, but ok.
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “So you’re an afterhours service for what?”
Me: “I’m the answering service for <company> for when their office is closed.”
SC: “Yeah? And what are you gonna do?”
Resist the urge to tell you precisely what you can go do.
Me: “Ok, can I have your name please?”
SC: “I gave you my suite number.”
Me: “Yes, but I would still need your name and phone number.”
SC: “I don’t see why.”
Ugh, cripes. He’s one of those.
Me: “I can’t have anyone contact you regarding this unless I have that information”
SC: “Then we have a dilemma.”
I beg to differ, my good man. You have a dilemma. You have no hot water yet for some reason you’re being so uptight about it I would doubt we could winch a safety pin out from between your butt cheeks with a tractor. If you are unwilling to make even the slightest amount of effort to have this problem resolved, that’s up to you. It is not I who will be going the evening without hot water should our negotiations fall apart. I will simply hang up and return to assisting people that actually deserve it.
Meanwhile you will be showering Shinto monk style beneath a frigid waterfall for the rest of the week until you hopefully achieve enough inner peace to not act like a total greased weasel fuckhole to people that are just trying to help you.
Oi
I would just like to put a “shout out” to my “homies” in <the far far arctic> Who were having their bi-annual Calling of the Pants festival this evening and insisted on passing the catalog around the entire village so everyone could call one after another. To place orders for their very own 50 Cent rap video extra attire.
Seriously, you know a town is small when you get 6 callers in a row from it and they own PO Boxes 1, 3, 6, 7, 5 and 11 respectively.
You Want....what?
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “…..uhhh…….no, but my husband wants to talk to you.”
Me: “…ok?”
Than why did he not just call himself? Is he incapable of dialing? Does the vast selection of numbers on the keypad confuse and alarm him? Are his fingers too fat? Did he try mashing the keypad to obtain a special dialing wand?
Me: “Hello?”
SC: “Hi, uh, I wanna buy a shop dat paints cars-“
…..what? Ok, now I may not know every single item in our catalogue, but I can tell you with a fair amount of confidence that we do not, in fact, sell autobody businesses. Even if we did, I’m not precisely sure how you think we’d ship it to you. By COD no less.
Me: “…pardon?”
SC: “Like credit cards, like VISA or Mastercard-“
Oh, paint cards. Oooh, ok, that makes a lot more se-….ok no it doesn’t. That actually makes even less sense. What in the heck are you talking about? I’ve seen Flipper communicate more successfully than you are.
SC: “Do you have any cards? Like you only have to pay once every 30 days? Like a credit card?”
Me: “…..no, we do not, sorry.”
….wait wait wait. You’re hoping for a <company> credit card to charge your pants too? Ok, that makes sense. It’s utterly stupid. But at least it makes sense. Even if we did have some sort of credit card, I wouldn’t sign you up for it. That would be beyond foolish. I doubt Visa or Mastercard ventures that far north either. If you had a credit card up there, you could just run it up to the limit ordering stuff and not have a thing to worry about.
I mean what are they going to do? Send someone to repossess it? They’re only hope would be to hitch a ride with an arctic surveyor expedition or a National Geographic photographer. Nevermind trying to get it back.
Oh right
SC: “My name is Harold!”
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “I’M IN YOUR INTERNET. LOOKING AT YOUR DIFFERENT ROOF.”
what the….that…sounds oddly familiar. Where have I heard that kind of thing before….
Ah, right. There we go.
<sob>
Me: "Are you calling to place an order?"
SC: “Where’s da closest place to pick up the order?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Like the closest post office.”
….I suspect you are vastly overestimating the level and type of services we provide. Especially given the complete void of information provided from your end. In order to successfully answer that inquiry I would require clairvoyant abilities vastly beyond anything the world has ever heard of. But alas, sadly, I am not Professor Xavier and you are not capable of thinking before opening your mouth.
So we will have to part at this impasse.
Oh?
Me: “Ok, and your phone number please?”
SC: “No phone.”
Not to argue or anything, but there does seem to be rather overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
( and yes she coughed up the number after I told her no phone, no pants. )
and no, this is not even close to Sears
Me: "Good morning, <company>"
SC: “Yeah, uh, I wanna sign up”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “I wanna get a Sears card.”
You want to get a Sears card or paint a Sears card?
Bravo
Oh, Skytrain. Always the hurdling metal tube of all that is idiotic, strange and downright creepy of our fair city. Tonight’s episode falls into the idiotic category. A pair of strapping ( Ok, short, spindly and stick like ) young lads stepped on at Metrotown and it was immediately evident they were under the influence of something. Whether it was injected, ingested, inhaled or administered as a suppository I could not tell you. But whatever it was, it was going over as one part sugar rush and one part spiritual journey.
One of these two simply could not sit down. The very act of sitting still made him vibrate. So he kept standing up, sitting down, standing up, sitting down, over and over. Till finally, not content with the mere act of standing up, he decided acrobatics were in order. Firmly grasping a pole in each hand he proceeded to flip forward and attempt to turn himself upside down.
Now, to his credit, he did achieve this without falling on his skull and spine. However, he still had to contend with the basic laws of gravity. Which is to say if you flip yourself upside down, guess what? Gravity doesn’t flip upside down with you. Which means eeeeverything in your pockets, such as all of your change and your keys, will suddenly come spilling out of your pants in a jingling cascade onto the Skytrain floor. Where it will proceed to scatter and attempt to flee whilst you desperately scamper around after them on your hands and knees.
Curious...
Me: "Good evening, <company>"
Automated Voice: "Hello, this is Telus Text to Land Line Messaging Service”
Hello, creepy automated voice lady.
AV: “You have received a text to land line message from xxx-xxx-xxxx”
Have I now? Oh glee!
AV: “Press 1 to hear it.”
Oh oh, I shall!
AV: “Kamloops rocks my world.”
....curious. Also, really weird coming from creepy automated voice lady.
AV: “Press 2 to send a reply”
...Oh? Glee. I shall.
AV: “Please say your message after the beep. <beep!>”
Me: “Your world must be very small.”
AV: “Your message has been sent. Thank you for using Telus Text to Landline services.”
<cough>
.....alrighty
Caller reported that the employee at <store location> is rather intoxicated and attempting to head butt him. ....There isn’t a lot I can say to that. I mean I even feel a little bad. At the very least can we get him a $5 gift card or something for having a drunken employee try to crush his face?
Maybe a free slurpee?
This is all true
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Aa-yup! I wanna place an order.”
Me: “Ok, what is your first name please?”
SC: “Nike Men Lay Up Short”
Well, Mr Nike Men Lay Up Short, what can I do for you?
Me: “Ok, but what is your name please?”
SC: “Uh, oh. Bob.”
Me: “Bob?”
SC: “Aa-yup”
Ok, thaaaaat’s gotta stop.
Me: “and what’s your postal code please?”
SC: “XXX XXX”
….<small arctic town that calls me constantly> Of course. I should have known. <shakes fists>
Me: “Ok, and what would you like to order?”
SC: “Aa-yup. Nike Men Lay Up Short.”
Me: “Ok, what’s the ID number please?”
SC: “xxxxx”
Wait wait wait. Those are basketball shorts. You want to order basketball shorts? Basketball…shorts? Really? No, seriously, basketball shorts? For the arctic? There is absolutely no way you have a basketball court there……
…..ok yeah, see. I’m looking at the Google Map satellite image and no, there is no basketball court there. All you have is a “hotel”, apparently. It looks like a mobile home and offers “supplies for arctic explorers” as well as “polar bear watching”. There is a picture on the website of an actual polar bear trying to get in the window of the hotel. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ADVERTISEMENT!? Ho-lee CARP.
Seriously, this:
Is NOT good for business. You won’t get much repeat business if your customers are devoured in the night. Now I see why the rooms cost $200 per person up front. Because they may not live to pay their bill.
Dick
SC: “Can you tell if he’s in the office?”
Me: “I’m afraid the office is closed-“
SC: “Yeah I know but he goes there a lot. Can you go check if he’s there?”
Me: “..I’m afraid we’re not close enough to physically check…”
SC: “Well no, but don’t you have any way of calling in and checking?”
Me: “I don’t have an overline, sorry.”
SC: “You DO have an overline. Well, whatever.”
Me: “I d-“
SC: “<click>”
You’re the kind of person that “wins” arguments by storming out of the room, aren’t you?
I'm losing it
SC: "You know whats good for you?"
Me: "...pardon?"
SC: "Hiking. you should try hiking or walking-"
Me: "....."
SC: "-Especially long hikes. They're good exercise. There's lots of places to hike around-"
Me: "..........."
SC: Did you know walking is the best exercise there is?
Me: "That'll do, pig. That'll do"
SC: "......"
Me: "......"
SC: "Ok, goodnight."
Me: "Bye."
What's that? Oh, why yes, I am an asshole. Thank you for asking.
early posts! You better not be teasing us and than not do it!
Comment