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Enemy At The Gate
An early week update, as was prophesied. Warn me if I hit a duplicate though. Not sure what I missed and what I posted and I'm too tired to sort it out ;p
More and more crazies are discovering our building lobby and intercom... ><
I Call Her Venus
( We have a security camera system so I can watch out front ;p )
Around 5am, some weird guy wandered up to the front door and peered lustfully inside at one of the potted plants for quite some time before wandering off. I'm not exactly sure what it was about our plant life that tugged at his heart and warmed his loins, but it brought him all the way in from to street to peer through the glass. I mean, dude, what the hell? It's just a plant. I mean, sure it has soft, leafy curves and those long, thin stems...and those pert, perky little bud-er I mean, dude. Seriously. It's just a plant.
Geez
SC: “Yeah, I’m calling about the 2 bedroom?”
Me: “Hmm, ok, well, this is the afterhours service for <rental company>-"
SC: “Oh, sorry, sorry. I’ll call back in the morning. I didn’t know this would go to a business.”
You…didn’t think this would go to a business? That implies you were expecting, and completely ok with, calling up someone at 3am on their personal line to ask about a 2 bedroom rental? I….fail to grasp how you could possibly conceive of this being a good idea? Oh man, I was totally expecting to wake someone up in the middle of the night with my rampant stupidity so I could ask them if they’d let me move in! I didn’t think I was calling a business though, I’m so sorry for disturbing you!
Ok?
Me: “Good evening-"
SC: “I’M SO GOOOOOO~<click>”
Wait! Come back! You’re so what? Don’t just leave me hanging like that. You’re so good? You’re so gone? You’re so gopher? What is it?! Why must you be such a tease? Now I’ll spend the rest of the night, brow furrowed in contemplation as I try to unravel this devious mystery you have left lodged my heart.
Recollections
SC: “Um, I ordered a hoodie last week. It was…..um……uhh…….errrrr”
Easy there, lass, don’t strain yourself. Why, it’s amazing you can even remember last week to begin with. I would have thought it’d just have been a haze of empty paint cans, beer bottles, pink elephants and nacho cheese dust. You should just take it easy and be proud of yourself that you even remembered you placed an order at all. Heck, you’ll likely forget even that by tomorrow. Than when it finally does arrive it’ll be just like Christmas!
Oh, Right.
SC: “Where are you located?”
Me: “We're in BC, personally. But this is only the head office, we cover all of Canada”
SC: “Oooh, I use to live in Vancouver. 20 years!”
Me: “…..?”
SC: “….I was just trying to make conversation”
......oooooooh, ok. I see. You mistook me for someone that actually gives a fuck. Right, don't worry about it. Happens all the time!
Crisis Averted
SC: “I juz wanna know how much it is. Cus I’ll jus buy an I’z put it on mah self”
Me: “I’m afraid we don’t sell it directly, it must be installed by a professional.”
SC: “Oh…..daz bad.”
Bad? Honestly, in this case I’d say it’s rather good. In fact I probably just saved your life. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve only been speaking with you for about 45 seconds and I can already determine that if left unsupervised with a hammer and nails you'd be dead, blind or sterile inside of an hour. You should be thanking me.
Red Alert
Me: “Can I help you?”
SC: “Ok.”
…….ok…and what? That was not a valid answer. Please readjust your response so that it falls within the spectrum of “Yes” or “No” and we shall be able to proceed.
Me: “Alright, are you in the US or Canada?”
SC: “We’re in the 7th concession of Arkgula”
...right. Perhaps my question was a tad too specific. What galactic quadrant are you in again? Also, you do realize that the tiling you're trying to order is likely very poor by your technological standards? I don’t want to get an angry call back 6 months from now from you raving about how “puny Earth creature squares” began leaking after you hit warp 4.
Me: “And your postal code please?”
SC: “Mah postal cord iz-“
Cripes, you are in another world, aren’t you?
Me: “Alright, and have you ever ordered from us before?”
SC: “3601”
Me: “…..pardon?”
SC: “360101”
…..I…don’t understand. Is that the frequency I must modulate my shields too in order to receive the proper response?
Enemy At The Gate
An odd, possibly somewhat deranged gentleman rang our intercom this evening and asked, of course, for a room. Because this completely unmarked building with no visible front desk clearly provides accommodations. I attempted to explain this was not a hotel. He countered with he wasn’t really looking for a hotel…..So I can only assume he’s just wandering around to every building downtown asking if he can come in and just sort of hang out or something I guess. Alrighty. I also attempted to explain that this was not any form of apartment building or dwelling either. He countered that basically we should let him come in and hang out because he “fought for our freedom”.
Interesting argument. But somehow just not quite compelling enough for me to consent to let some random nutjob into my place of work so he can hang out and sleep in a cubicle and possibly knife <coworker> while I’m on break. It’d be <coworker> too, because I’m much more wary from years of working graveyard shifts downtown than he is. I can smell the crazy. He can’t yet. He’s still naïve and untrained. Serial killers always know who’s the easiest and go after them first so they can stretch the movie out for the full 90 minutes. I’d make it at least halfway through the movie and probably perish doing something that allowed the main characters to escape. But <coworker> is more like that girl that gets stabbed in the shower 10 minutes in while singing "Kokomo".
Our would be serial killer lurked around front for another 5 minutes or so mumbling to himself before he finally wandered off, I assume, in search of other victims.
Again?
SC: “Yeah, you guys have a 1 bedroom for rent?”
Do we? I wouldn’t know, because it’s midnight and the office closed some odd 8 hours again. So obviously this is the best time to be attempting to appeal to potential landlords. Why hello! Yes, I know its past midnight and you and your family are probably sleeping, but I would like to rent living space from you! Heck, you know what? I’ll just come down there and ring your intercom and ask if I can just sort of come in and hang out with you guys? Maybe sniff your underwear? No? Ah well.
.....again?
( Different line )
“Yeah, you guys have a 1 bedroom for rent?”
…..you again. Ok, look, seriously dude this is not the best time to be calling around looking for a rental. Even if you did manage to get a hold of someone I’m sure they would verbally, oh, what’s the term….tear you a structurally superfluous new behind? Yeah, there we go.
.....
( Another different line... )
“Yeah, you guys have a 1 bedroom for rent?”
….right, ok. Seriously. Since you can’t seem to desperately clutch onto to this little piece of common courtesy of your own accord allow me to spell it out properly: It’s impolite to randomly call people after fucking midnight over a rental ad. Let alone anything else short of “Hey, this is Bob next door. Did you notice your garage is on fire and your wife is going down on a goat on the hood of your new truck?” really.
Grr
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Maybe”
Incorrect. What I laid ever so gently upon your platter was a yes or no question. “Maybe” is an invalid answer. If you are locked in an fervent struggle with the great maw beast that is indecision than please do not bother picking up the phone until after you have driven a righteous blade through its dark heart.
Alrighty than
SC: “Well I’m in and out all the time so I might not be here to answer”
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “an’ I don’t have a wife so there’s no one here to get the phone”
Me: “..Alright”
SC: “So she wouldn’t be here to answer when you call.”
….no, no she wouldn’t. Because she doesn’t exist. You’re a very lonely man, aren’t you? Do you want the number to eHarmony or something? I can’t really vouch for them or anything, but according to the commercials they’ve successfully matched the same couple at least 3 times now. So they must be doing something right.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
More and more crazies are discovering our building lobby and intercom... ><
I Call Her Venus
( We have a security camera system so I can watch out front ;p )
Around 5am, some weird guy wandered up to the front door and peered lustfully inside at one of the potted plants for quite some time before wandering off. I'm not exactly sure what it was about our plant life that tugged at his heart and warmed his loins, but it brought him all the way in from to street to peer through the glass. I mean, dude, what the hell? It's just a plant. I mean, sure it has soft, leafy curves and those long, thin stems...and those pert, perky little bud-er I mean, dude. Seriously. It's just a plant.
Geez
SC: “Yeah, I’m calling about the 2 bedroom?”
Me: “Hmm, ok, well, this is the afterhours service for <rental company>-"
SC: “Oh, sorry, sorry. I’ll call back in the morning. I didn’t know this would go to a business.”
You…didn’t think this would go to a business? That implies you were expecting, and completely ok with, calling up someone at 3am on their personal line to ask about a 2 bedroom rental? I….fail to grasp how you could possibly conceive of this being a good idea? Oh man, I was totally expecting to wake someone up in the middle of the night with my rampant stupidity so I could ask them if they’d let me move in! I didn’t think I was calling a business though, I’m so sorry for disturbing you!
Ok?
Me: “Good evening-"
SC: “I’M SO GOOOOOO~<click>”
Wait! Come back! You’re so what? Don’t just leave me hanging like that. You’re so good? You’re so gone? You’re so gopher? What is it?! Why must you be such a tease? Now I’ll spend the rest of the night, brow furrowed in contemplation as I try to unravel this devious mystery you have left lodged my heart.
Recollections
SC: “Um, I ordered a hoodie last week. It was…..um……uhh…….errrrr”
Easy there, lass, don’t strain yourself. Why, it’s amazing you can even remember last week to begin with. I would have thought it’d just have been a haze of empty paint cans, beer bottles, pink elephants and nacho cheese dust. You should just take it easy and be proud of yourself that you even remembered you placed an order at all. Heck, you’ll likely forget even that by tomorrow. Than when it finally does arrive it’ll be just like Christmas!
Oh, Right.
SC: “Where are you located?”
Me: “We're in BC, personally. But this is only the head office, we cover all of Canada”
SC: “Oooh, I use to live in Vancouver. 20 years!”
Me: “…..?”
SC: “….I was just trying to make conversation”
......oooooooh, ok. I see. You mistook me for someone that actually gives a fuck. Right, don't worry about it. Happens all the time!
Crisis Averted
SC: “I juz wanna know how much it is. Cus I’ll jus buy an I’z put it on mah self”
Me: “I’m afraid we don’t sell it directly, it must be installed by a professional.”
SC: “Oh…..daz bad.”
Bad? Honestly, in this case I’d say it’s rather good. In fact I probably just saved your life. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve only been speaking with you for about 45 seconds and I can already determine that if left unsupervised with a hammer and nails you'd be dead, blind or sterile inside of an hour. You should be thanking me.
Red Alert
Me: “Can I help you?”
SC: “Ok.”
…….ok…and what? That was not a valid answer. Please readjust your response so that it falls within the spectrum of “Yes” or “No” and we shall be able to proceed.
Me: “Alright, are you in the US or Canada?”
SC: “We’re in the 7th concession of Arkgula”
...right. Perhaps my question was a tad too specific. What galactic quadrant are you in again? Also, you do realize that the tiling you're trying to order is likely very poor by your technological standards? I don’t want to get an angry call back 6 months from now from you raving about how “puny Earth creature squares” began leaking after you hit warp 4.
Me: “And your postal code please?”
SC: “Mah postal cord iz-“
Cripes, you are in another world, aren’t you?
Me: “Alright, and have you ever ordered from us before?”
SC: “3601”
Me: “…..pardon?”
SC: “360101”
…..I…don’t understand. Is that the frequency I must modulate my shields too in order to receive the proper response?
Enemy At The Gate
An odd, possibly somewhat deranged gentleman rang our intercom this evening and asked, of course, for a room. Because this completely unmarked building with no visible front desk clearly provides accommodations. I attempted to explain this was not a hotel. He countered with he wasn’t really looking for a hotel…..So I can only assume he’s just wandering around to every building downtown asking if he can come in and just sort of hang out or something I guess. Alrighty. I also attempted to explain that this was not any form of apartment building or dwelling either. He countered that basically we should let him come in and hang out because he “fought for our freedom”.
Interesting argument. But somehow just not quite compelling enough for me to consent to let some random nutjob into my place of work so he can hang out and sleep in a cubicle and possibly knife <coworker> while I’m on break. It’d be <coworker> too, because I’m much more wary from years of working graveyard shifts downtown than he is. I can smell the crazy. He can’t yet. He’s still naïve and untrained. Serial killers always know who’s the easiest and go after them first so they can stretch the movie out for the full 90 minutes. I’d make it at least halfway through the movie and probably perish doing something that allowed the main characters to escape. But <coworker> is more like that girl that gets stabbed in the shower 10 minutes in while singing "Kokomo".
Our would be serial killer lurked around front for another 5 minutes or so mumbling to himself before he finally wandered off, I assume, in search of other victims.
Again?
SC: “Yeah, you guys have a 1 bedroom for rent?”
Do we? I wouldn’t know, because it’s midnight and the office closed some odd 8 hours again. So obviously this is the best time to be attempting to appeal to potential landlords. Why hello! Yes, I know its past midnight and you and your family are probably sleeping, but I would like to rent living space from you! Heck, you know what? I’ll just come down there and ring your intercom and ask if I can just sort of come in and hang out with you guys? Maybe sniff your underwear? No? Ah well.
.....again?
( Different line )
“Yeah, you guys have a 1 bedroom for rent?”
…..you again. Ok, look, seriously dude this is not the best time to be calling around looking for a rental. Even if you did manage to get a hold of someone I’m sure they would verbally, oh, what’s the term….tear you a structurally superfluous new behind? Yeah, there we go.
.....
( Another different line... )
“Yeah, you guys have a 1 bedroom for rent?”
….right, ok. Seriously. Since you can’t seem to desperately clutch onto to this little piece of common courtesy of your own accord allow me to spell it out properly: It’s impolite to randomly call people after fucking midnight over a rental ad. Let alone anything else short of “Hey, this is Bob next door. Did you notice your garage is on fire and your wife is going down on a goat on the hood of your new truck?” really.
Grr
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Maybe”
Incorrect. What I laid ever so gently upon your platter was a yes or no question. “Maybe” is an invalid answer. If you are locked in an fervent struggle with the great maw beast that is indecision than please do not bother picking up the phone until after you have driven a righteous blade through its dark heart.
Alrighty than
SC: “Well I’m in and out all the time so I might not be here to answer”
Me: “Ok-“
SC: “an’ I don’t have a wife so there’s no one here to get the phone”
Me: “..Alright”
SC: “So she wouldn’t be here to answer when you call.”
….no, no she wouldn’t. Because she doesn’t exist. You’re a very lonely man, aren’t you? Do you want the number to eHarmony or something? I can’t really vouch for them or anything, but according to the commercials they’ve successfully matched the same couple at least 3 times now. So they must be doing something right.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.
God, GK. why can't I have your gift of colorful quotes?
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