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I have quickly begun my trek through the idiocy of a whole new group of hotel guests! YAY! And since I'm not in Security this time around...I have a bit of a different approach. There are moments that I feel like a glorified phone jockey.
Background on the new position: reservations. 'nuff said. And here. We. Go.
Broken Record
SC: Khiras, I'm looking at these dates for a room with this wedding.
Me: Ok...I'm showing that all we have left for this group's rates are rooms with two double beds in-
SC: No, I want a Queen.
Me: Ok ma'am, the group did not purchase any Queen rooms to be set aside, all of those bedrooms have been sold out fo-
SC: The wedding group didn't specify room types.
Me: (Oh good...my first SC here.) They did get certain rates set aside ma'am for some rooms...however our Queen bedrooms for those dates have all been reserved.
SC: I want a queen bed!
Me: I understand ma'am, and I do apologize, but I do not have any of those rooms available.
SC: I'll just talk to <other department CW>.
*click*
OK! Thanks for starting off the new job with a bang, lady. Let's get things straight quickly for you...it's not that I don't want to sell you a Queen bed. It's that they are overbooked by 15 rooms. CW can't help you, she's in Sales, and she's going to tell you the same thing (she did). So where does that leave you?
Oh crap, I forgot...
Me: Thank you for calling <hotel>, this is Khiras, how can I help you?
SC: I still want a queen bed.
Me: /facepalm
Lather, rinse, repeat for 10 minutes since they have closed any more bookings for that roomtype, so I'm not allowed to book it anyway.
She took the room with 2 doubles, finally. I can tell that fate just couldn't let me have some peace and happiness.
Brunch Madness
This hotel has a fairly well-known holiday tradition, hosting special brunches and meals for just about every big holiday out there. They are popular. The Christmas ones are reserved fully on January 2nd of every year; that kind of popular. With Mother's Day coming up, we've been taking a lot of calls for that particular brunch, and I got this wonderful call.
SC: I want to know about your Mother's Day Brunch.
Me: Ok Ma'am, we have a few spots left, how big is your party?
SC: 6...no...2...no 4?
Strike one. You don't get to ask me the question, because if you do I am going to tell you that the answer is 0 and try to kill you with my brainwaves. I heard the gears rattling as her brain idled for a few minutes, and we finally settled on 3.
Me: Ok, I have <times> available for a party of that size, and the seating will be on the 2nd floor.
SC: In the <restaurant>?
Me: No, this will be in the <holiday alternate location> since the <restaurant> is full, however it will be the same buffet with live entertainment.
SC: So I'll be on the first floor?
Me: No, you'll be on the second floor.
SC: In the <restaurant>?
STEEEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO! I think, if the court will re-read the transcription, that you've already asked this question once! Lather, rinse, repeat the above interaction about 4 times.
SC: Now we already had reservations for 8am in the <restaurant>, does that mean we had Brunch reservations?
Me: No, those are breakfast reservations...Brunch begins at 10am.
SC: So at 8am we can't have the buffet?
Me: No, our breakfast is ordered from the menu.
SC: What if we have breakfast at 9, can we stay seated and eat at the buffet?
Me: .....no ma'am, the buffet will only be open to guests who have reserved for the brunch from 10am and later.
SC: But we couldn't just stay seated after breakfast?
Me: No ma'am, <restaurant> will be clearing tables and cleaning them for the 10am arrivals for brunch.
SC: And we can't come in at 10am?
Me: No ma'am, all those tables are reserved...your reservation is at 1pm. (side note, for her to get 1pm this week was a miracle...most people were lucky to get a 3pm one)
SC: Ok, now how much does all this cost?
Me: <lists prices>
SC: So if there's 3 of us, we each pay that?
Me: Yes.
SC: So it's not one price for the whole table.
Me: No.
SC: What if we stay there for 4 or 5 hours?
Me: (What the hell?) Er...sorry ma'am, after a time they will close down the buffet after the last seating at 3pm has gotten their food, and they will close the restaurant around 4-4:30 or so...you wouldn't be able to stay for 4-5 hours.
SC: What if we paid a second time?
Strike three...what the shit is wrong with you lady!? I didn't list what the prices were, but let's say that paying double per person would net us more than $300...and you would get NOTHING for it. You would get to sit there while a bunch of pissed off employees did everything in their power to get you to go the hell away.
Why would you do that?
Oh, you're an idiot. I get it now. Go figure.
I do not think you're looking where you think you are.
Me: Thank you for calling <hotel>, how can I help you?
SC: I'm looking at your website, and it says you have a pool?
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, that may not be the correct website...we have a workout room, but we don't have a pool here.
SC: Really? The website says your motel (warning flag #1) has the only pool in town (flag#2), and that you have a free-to-use cleaning station for hunters. (ALERT! FLAG #3 REACHED!)
Me: Er...I'm sorry ma'am, but that is definitely not us. We are in the middle of downtown Denver, we don't have any cleaning stations for Hunters, and we don't have a pool.
(Side note, at this point I now hear 3 CWs behind me all quietly go "what the hell?")
SC: Oh...but isn't your address this?
Me: *blink* Actually...that...er, that is our address. What website are you reading this off of?
SC: *lists website...it's our website*
Me: That's the right address...let me pull that up.
*readreadreadreadread*
Er...I'm sorry ma'am, I'm not seeing anything on our site that says we have a pool or a hunter cleaning station.
SC: Oh...ok. Is there anyone in downtown that does have a cleaning station?
Me: Nnnnnnnnnno.
Downtown. DOWN. TOWN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Are you farking kidding me!? You're talking about a hotel in the middle of DOWNTOWN DENVER, a site where the only predators around are the creepy guys in bars who pocket roofies like they're frigging candy. What the hell are you thinking you're going to drag into your local hotel here, covered in blood, so you can clean and mount it properly? I honestly think this woman was in the habit of hunting down stray children and stuffing their corpses, complete with terrified expressions, just so the little bastards would stay off her lawn.
How the hell do these people find me? I changed properties, but they keep coming!
You lose! Good day sir!
Me: Thank you for calling dining reservations, how can I help you?
Lady: Yes, we had reservations for lunch today...
Me: Ok?
Lady: We need to cancel.
Let's see how far we get before the FAIL stamp hits.
Me: Alright, what name is it under?
Lady: Name name.
Me: Ok, I have you all cancelled...
Lady: My husband tripped and stepped into the toilet and ruined his dress pants.
FAIL! FAIL DAMN YOU FAIL!
When you cease to have the ability to navigate around your own bathroom without stepping directly into the toilet, it's time to just walk into the woods and let the wolves take you.
Lady: I just wish he'd flushed the poop first.
And thank you ma'am for entering your husband into the lightning round. I can only hope that, every day, I can aspire to do the exact opposite of what he did. That is, not protrude my extremeties into the shit-filled commode.
Bravo. I've been on the job for 10 days now...and I'm already being told that this is one of the most legendary things they've ever heard as a cancellation reason. I have brought the crazies to work with me.
Kill me!
The Final F.U.
Me: Thanks for calling reservations, can I help you?
SC: Is this Accounting?
Me: No, this is reservations.
SC: Can you help me with an accounting problem then?
Me: .................................................. ......................
I just connected him without another word. God damn you people.
That's all for this week folks...things should only pick up from here
Background on the new position: reservations. 'nuff said. And here. We. Go.
Broken Record
SC: Khiras, I'm looking at these dates for a room with this wedding.
Me: Ok...I'm showing that all we have left for this group's rates are rooms with two double beds in-
SC: No, I want a Queen.
Me: Ok ma'am, the group did not purchase any Queen rooms to be set aside, all of those bedrooms have been sold out fo-
SC: The wedding group didn't specify room types.
Me: (Oh good...my first SC here.) They did get certain rates set aside ma'am for some rooms...however our Queen bedrooms for those dates have all been reserved.
SC: I want a queen bed!
Me: I understand ma'am, and I do apologize, but I do not have any of those rooms available.
SC: I'll just talk to <other department CW>.
*click*
OK! Thanks for starting off the new job with a bang, lady. Let's get things straight quickly for you...it's not that I don't want to sell you a Queen bed. It's that they are overbooked by 15 rooms. CW can't help you, she's in Sales, and she's going to tell you the same thing (she did). So where does that leave you?
Oh crap, I forgot...
Me: Thank you for calling <hotel>, this is Khiras, how can I help you?
SC: I still want a queen bed.
Me: /facepalm
Lather, rinse, repeat for 10 minutes since they have closed any more bookings for that roomtype, so I'm not allowed to book it anyway.
She took the room with 2 doubles, finally. I can tell that fate just couldn't let me have some peace and happiness.
Brunch Madness
This hotel has a fairly well-known holiday tradition, hosting special brunches and meals for just about every big holiday out there. They are popular. The Christmas ones are reserved fully on January 2nd of every year; that kind of popular. With Mother's Day coming up, we've been taking a lot of calls for that particular brunch, and I got this wonderful call.
SC: I want to know about your Mother's Day Brunch.
Me: Ok Ma'am, we have a few spots left, how big is your party?
SC: 6...no...2...no 4?
Strike one. You don't get to ask me the question, because if you do I am going to tell you that the answer is 0 and try to kill you with my brainwaves. I heard the gears rattling as her brain idled for a few minutes, and we finally settled on 3.
Me: Ok, I have <times> available for a party of that size, and the seating will be on the 2nd floor.
SC: In the <restaurant>?
Me: No, this will be in the <holiday alternate location> since the <restaurant> is full, however it will be the same buffet with live entertainment.
SC: So I'll be on the first floor?
Me: No, you'll be on the second floor.
SC: In the <restaurant>?
STEEEEEEEEEEERIKE TWO! I think, if the court will re-read the transcription, that you've already asked this question once! Lather, rinse, repeat the above interaction about 4 times.
SC: Now we already had reservations for 8am in the <restaurant>, does that mean we had Brunch reservations?
Me: No, those are breakfast reservations...Brunch begins at 10am.
SC: So at 8am we can't have the buffet?
Me: No, our breakfast is ordered from the menu.
SC: What if we have breakfast at 9, can we stay seated and eat at the buffet?
Me: .....no ma'am, the buffet will only be open to guests who have reserved for the brunch from 10am and later.
SC: But we couldn't just stay seated after breakfast?
Me: No ma'am, <restaurant> will be clearing tables and cleaning them for the 10am arrivals for brunch.
SC: And we can't come in at 10am?
Me: No ma'am, all those tables are reserved...your reservation is at 1pm. (side note, for her to get 1pm this week was a miracle...most people were lucky to get a 3pm one)
SC: Ok, now how much does all this cost?
Me: <lists prices>
SC: So if there's 3 of us, we each pay that?
Me: Yes.
SC: So it's not one price for the whole table.
Me: No.
SC: What if we stay there for 4 or 5 hours?
Me: (What the hell?) Er...sorry ma'am, after a time they will close down the buffet after the last seating at 3pm has gotten their food, and they will close the restaurant around 4-4:30 or so...you wouldn't be able to stay for 4-5 hours.
SC: What if we paid a second time?
Strike three...what the shit is wrong with you lady!? I didn't list what the prices were, but let's say that paying double per person would net us more than $300...and you would get NOTHING for it. You would get to sit there while a bunch of pissed off employees did everything in their power to get you to go the hell away.
Why would you do that?
Oh, you're an idiot. I get it now. Go figure.
I do not think you're looking where you think you are.
Me: Thank you for calling <hotel>, how can I help you?
SC: I'm looking at your website, and it says you have a pool?
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, that may not be the correct website...we have a workout room, but we don't have a pool here.
SC: Really? The website says your motel (warning flag #1) has the only pool in town (flag#2), and that you have a free-to-use cleaning station for hunters. (ALERT! FLAG #3 REACHED!)
Me: Er...I'm sorry ma'am, but that is definitely not us. We are in the middle of downtown Denver, we don't have any cleaning stations for Hunters, and we don't have a pool.
(Side note, at this point I now hear 3 CWs behind me all quietly go "what the hell?")
SC: Oh...but isn't your address this?
Me: *blink* Actually...that...er, that is our address. What website are you reading this off of?
SC: *lists website...it's our website*
Me: That's the right address...let me pull that up.
*readreadreadreadread*
Er...I'm sorry ma'am, I'm not seeing anything on our site that says we have a pool or a hunter cleaning station.
SC: Oh...ok. Is there anyone in downtown that does have a cleaning station?
Me: Nnnnnnnnnno.
Downtown. DOWN. TOWN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Are you farking kidding me!? You're talking about a hotel in the middle of DOWNTOWN DENVER, a site where the only predators around are the creepy guys in bars who pocket roofies like they're frigging candy. What the hell are you thinking you're going to drag into your local hotel here, covered in blood, so you can clean and mount it properly? I honestly think this woman was in the habit of hunting down stray children and stuffing their corpses, complete with terrified expressions, just so the little bastards would stay off her lawn.
How the hell do these people find me? I changed properties, but they keep coming!
You lose! Good day sir!
Me: Thank you for calling dining reservations, how can I help you?
Lady: Yes, we had reservations for lunch today...
Me: Ok?
Lady: We need to cancel.
Let's see how far we get before the FAIL stamp hits.
Me: Alright, what name is it under?
Lady: Name name.
Me: Ok, I have you all cancelled...
Lady: My husband tripped and stepped into the toilet and ruined his dress pants.
FAIL! FAIL DAMN YOU FAIL!
When you cease to have the ability to navigate around your own bathroom without stepping directly into the toilet, it's time to just walk into the woods and let the wolves take you.
Lady: I just wish he'd flushed the poop first.
And thank you ma'am for entering your husband into the lightning round. I can only hope that, every day, I can aspire to do the exact opposite of what he did. That is, not protrude my extremeties into the shit-filled commode.
Bravo. I've been on the job for 10 days now...and I'm already being told that this is one of the most legendary things they've ever heard as a cancellation reason. I have brought the crazies to work with me.
Kill me!
The Final F.U.
Me: Thanks for calling reservations, can I help you?
SC: Is this Accounting?
Me: No, this is reservations.
SC: Can you help me with an accounting problem then?
Me: .................................................. ......................
I just connected him without another word. God damn you people.
That's all for this week folks...things should only pick up from here
) to a cleaners. But I'm sure they've seen worse (my father once had to have his best suit pants dry-cleaned because my brother (then four years old) vomited all over him. But that's another story).
Also, the crazy part Dave...the woman wasn't trying to trip me up. I honestly think she couldn't remember what the hell she was saying...or hearing...
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