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With Apologies to Calgary
In retrospec, I probably should have posted before I started doing some hardware fiddling on my computer. ;p
The Set Up
SC: “Yeah, uh, can you guys replace glass that can’t be replaced?”
Me: “....no, we can’t replace glass that can’t be replaced.”
SC: “Huh huh, I guess not.”
Was that an attempt at a joke or where you trying to present me with some sort a Zen meditation? Tell me, young grasshopper, how does one replace the glass which cannot be replaced? What is the sound of one moron dialing?
An 813 area code too….odd….
SC: “So, uh, it’s $300 for a service call?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Do you charge for like, the commute too?”
Me: “No, only labour and materials.”
SC: “So you guys are located where?”
Me: “In Vancouver”
SC: “Huhuhuh, how far out do you cover?”
I suppose you think you’re about to lead me into the best prank joke evar don’t you? Well, unfortunately for you, your seemingly devious plan didn’t take into account the awe inspiring power of caller ID. Also, you’re stupid. Which to be honest is an automatic -5 to any skill rolls you attempt in life.
Me: “We don’t cover out to California if that’s what you’re asking.”
SC: “Oh…....uh......…heh heh.”
Truly, that would have been a jest for the times. I actually feel a bit bad having foiled what would have truly been a seam splitting comedic delivery. I should have just went along with it and pretended to be surprised and amused than poured Coke in my lap to feign wetting myself in mirth. I would hate to hurt his self esteem, after all. He sounds like he just barely outgrew eating paste. I wouldn’t want to drive him back into the dark embrace of his addictions.
Paste is a gateway drug, you know. It could lead to all sorts of things like Playdough, Glitter Glue or even marker sniffing.
Red Card
( We had a huge sales deadline the other night, I hate them so much. So many last minute twits )
SC: “So that was a hard and fast deadline?”
Me: “….pardon?”
No, it was slow and wet. What the hell are you talking about?
SC: “I mean there’s no flexibility? I can’t get in for it?”
Me: “Not 45 minutes later, no, sorry.”
Perhaps a few minutes later. But its 45 minutes past the deadline. We’ve already left the orbit of the planet Reasonable and have careened deep into the Yeah, Good Fucking Luck With That Nebula.
SC: “Ok, well I guess I’ll just order anyway.”
Me: "Alright-"
SC: “So there’s really no flexibility? I can’t get in? I’ve been a loyal customer for YEARS a-“
Red flag! I’m sorry, but that’s an automatic disqualification. The second you flap greasy Twinkie chute about how good and loyal and fantastic of a customer you are 90% of the time you’re nothing of the sort and are just trying to weasel something out of us. 10% of the time you are, but are under the mistaken belief that this somehow entitles you to whatever your heart desires. Rules be damned.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Ok, actually I enjoy it thoroughly. But while I appreciate your patronage, it changes absolutely nothing and what you're asking me could ironically cost me my job. So no, you can't have. Not yours. Go fuck a tree.
Why?
SC: “Yeah, I called and placed an order with <coworker> earlier.”
Ok. A seemingly innocent statement. Proceed.
SC: “But I told him I was gonna call back later so I could get a better ticket spread.”
A better…..ticket spread, you say? I assume this is some sort of misguided attempt at increasing your “luck” that really has utterly no bearing on your actual odds of winning. Oh well, if it makes you magically feel more lucky somehow than by all means.
Me: “Alright, would you like to place an order?”
SC: “No. I told him I’d call back, but it’s after the deadline now so I can’t get in for it.”
….ok….annnd? I’m still not 100% what it is you want me to do here.
SC: “Well I told him I’d call back.”
Me: “Alright…..would you still like to place an order than or?”
SC: “Well no! I can’t get in under the deadline.”
Me: “….ok.”
Why did you call than? You don’t want to place an order. You don’t want me to try and sneak you in under the deadline. Did you just call just to whine? Or are you just trying to fulfill some sort of lovelorn promise you made with poor <coworker>? I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to learn he has an unsettling nocturnal secret admirer.
He can finally know the joy and happiness that its brought me these last few months.
Cause and Effect
SC: “Is this like the call centre?”
Me: “Yes, this is the call centre”
SC: “Ok well I want to get a hold of the factory.”
Me: “…the factory?”
SC: “Yes, I want to talk to the factory itself. Do they have a number?”
…..I foresee great disappointment in your future. The factory does not speak with the general public. Hence the presence of a call centre.
Me: “I don’t have a direct line I can give you, no, sorry.”
SC: “Mhmm. Don’t they have a number?”
Me: “I don’t have any numbers I can give you, unfortunately.”
SC: “Well, than is there someone else there that can give me it?!"
Ah yes, the ever popular “You’re not submitting to my unreasonable demands, allow me to appeal my case to a different employee in the hopes they will break policy and submit to my wishes.” Approach.
Me: “No, there’s not, sorry.”
SC: “I can’t get a hold of factory? You work for them, you should have a number for them.”
I never said I didn't. I only said I don't have one I can give you.
SC: "Strange way to do business."
Strange? It seems like a rather smart way to do business actually. Not allowing every single level of your company to be harassed by people such as yourself. Most people tend to be more productive when not pulled away from their normal job on a constant basis to field inane inquiries by random customers. That’s why they hire people, such as myself, specifically to field inane inquiries by random customers.
Me: “We’re their main info li-”
SC: “How does one find the number? I’m not interested in the call centre! But when I ask about the factory you’re all so evasive.”
Yes, because you’re being invasive. See, all of us would like to answer your inquiry ourselves. Thus sparing the factory the blight of your company. That is our job. We are the shield that protects the company’s tender innards from the rain of stupidly that showers upon it from the outside on a daily basis.
Me: “Why are you trying to reach the factory? I can answer any in-“
SC: “Why do you ask?! I just want to reach them. I don’t know why you would be evasive, if you have to contact them they have a number they give out to public, Kodak, even the CIA, anywhere, they have a phone number. Yours doesn’t have one. That’s hard to believe, what do you do send messengers over there?!"
Right, ok, you’re obviously rather unclear on how the average business works. Do you seriously think when you call Kodak you’re talking to their factory? In all blunt honesty you wouldn’t even speak the same language as everyone at their factory.
No, you’re speaking with their call centre. The call centre which is specifically set up to handle customer inquiries so that people whose jobs do not involve handling customer inquiries do not have to handle customer inquiries. You ( By which I mean you, yes you, the one holding the phone and speaking to me with his free hand down the front of his pants ) are a “customer” and you have a inquiry. I ( By which I mean me, the wonderfully handsome awe inspiring being you are speaking with ) am here to handle customer inquiries. Which is what you have. If you would just tell me what it is perhaps I could actually assist you.
Me: “The numbers are not generally available to the public, if there’s something I can help you with-“
SC: “I don’t think you can, you’re the call centre. I have to talk with the factory, why can’t I get a hold of them?”
You do realize that people such as yourself are exactly why you can’t get a hold of them, right?
Me: “There’s no way I can put you through to the factory.”
SC: “Very strange”
Me: “They don’t handle public inquiries.”
Again, because they have a call centre to do it for them. I’m not sure how many more ways I can explain this. Do you need me to try and explain it in interpretive dance? Because I will. I can’t promise my pants will stay on either. So you might want to consider smartening up rather swiftly.
SC: “They’re not listed on the Internet either….”
Me: “Yes, because they don’t handle public inquiries.”
SC: “Ok, well you’re not going to help me. Fine than. Bye.”
How would you even know? You never even tried to ask. What dark secret do you hold that is so terrible that you can only impart it to a factory employee? What possible riddle could you pose to them that you don’t believe I can help you answer? You’re vastly underestimating me. My wisdom is vast and unimaginable.
I even know how they get the caramilk into the Caramilk bar.
Ah, Calgary
SC: “What time do they open?”
Me: “They’ll be in, in 2 and a half hours.”
SC: “Ok, but that’s your time right? What time do they get in Calgary time?”
Me: “…..in 2 and a half hours?”
SC: “Oh.”
I’m not sure what sort of scale Calgary time operates on? I’m just foolishly assuming it uses the same units of measurement as the rest of world but I suppose I could be mistaken. Though I have been to Calgary before and I don’t recall any alternative method of measurement….I will concede that time does seem to pass slower when one is stuck in Calgary. But that’s merely perception, not a measurable scientific effect. But, I suppose, given the general vast, unending flatness of the region sundials are a reasonable and effective alternative. In which case main dispatch will be in, in approximately 11.4 degrees.
Ahhh, yes. Calgary. Did you know the city motto is “Onward”? That’s because if you keep driving west past it for about another hour or two you’ll actually reach something interesting. ( <insert rimshot here> ) ………if you’re from Calgary, please don’t hit me. ( You know, with your sundial. ).
See, this is how I know I’ve been living here long enough to truly become a Vancouverite. An increasingly inherent disdain for everything east of Hope and an irrational hatred of Toronto. I don’t even know why. I’ve only been to Toronto 2 or 3 times and that was over 10 years ago. Yet still, I loathe them now.
Villainy
Me: “Ok, and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Whatever one you have there.”
Well, personally, I have a MasterCard. However, if you actually think I’m going to purchase you a lottery ticket you are tragically and hilariously mistaken. I don’t think you understand the vast, dark chasm between us where philanthropy would normally be. If you were dying of thirst I would not buy you water from a public fountain.
What Do You Think?
Me: “Alright, and the card number please?”
SC: “It’s xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx”
Me: “Ok, and when does it expire?”
SC: “…..when does what expire?”
Your brainfart.
annnd rest. Maybe more later. Lord this has been a bad week. 3 posts worth. ><
The Set Up
SC: “Yeah, uh, can you guys replace glass that can’t be replaced?”
Me: “....no, we can’t replace glass that can’t be replaced.”
SC: “Huh huh, I guess not.”
Was that an attempt at a joke or where you trying to present me with some sort a Zen meditation? Tell me, young grasshopper, how does one replace the glass which cannot be replaced? What is the sound of one moron dialing?
An 813 area code too….odd….
SC: “So, uh, it’s $300 for a service call?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Do you charge for like, the commute too?”
Me: “No, only labour and materials.”
SC: “So you guys are located where?”
Me: “In Vancouver”
SC: “Huhuhuh, how far out do you cover?”
I suppose you think you’re about to lead me into the best prank joke evar don’t you? Well, unfortunately for you, your seemingly devious plan didn’t take into account the awe inspiring power of caller ID. Also, you’re stupid. Which to be honest is an automatic -5 to any skill rolls you attempt in life.
Me: “We don’t cover out to California if that’s what you’re asking.”
SC: “Oh…....uh......…heh heh.”
Truly, that would have been a jest for the times. I actually feel a bit bad having foiled what would have truly been a seam splitting comedic delivery. I should have just went along with it and pretended to be surprised and amused than poured Coke in my lap to feign wetting myself in mirth. I would hate to hurt his self esteem, after all. He sounds like he just barely outgrew eating paste. I wouldn’t want to drive him back into the dark embrace of his addictions.
Paste is a gateway drug, you know. It could lead to all sorts of things like Playdough, Glitter Glue or even marker sniffing.
Red Card
( We had a huge sales deadline the other night, I hate them so much. So many last minute twits )
SC: “So that was a hard and fast deadline?”
Me: “….pardon?”
No, it was slow and wet. What the hell are you talking about?
SC: “I mean there’s no flexibility? I can’t get in for it?”
Me: “Not 45 minutes later, no, sorry.”
Perhaps a few minutes later. But its 45 minutes past the deadline. We’ve already left the orbit of the planet Reasonable and have careened deep into the Yeah, Good Fucking Luck With That Nebula.
SC: “Ok, well I guess I’ll just order anyway.”
Me: "Alright-"
SC: “So there’s really no flexibility? I can’t get in? I’ve been a loyal customer for YEARS a-“
Red flag! I’m sorry, but that’s an automatic disqualification. The second you flap greasy Twinkie chute about how good and loyal and fantastic of a customer you are 90% of the time you’re nothing of the sort and are just trying to weasel something out of us. 10% of the time you are, but are under the mistaken belief that this somehow entitles you to whatever your heart desires. Rules be damned.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Ok, actually I enjoy it thoroughly. But while I appreciate your patronage, it changes absolutely nothing and what you're asking me could ironically cost me my job. So no, you can't have. Not yours. Go fuck a tree.
Why?
SC: “Yeah, I called and placed an order with <coworker> earlier.”
Ok. A seemingly innocent statement. Proceed.
SC: “But I told him I was gonna call back later so I could get a better ticket spread.”
A better…..ticket spread, you say? I assume this is some sort of misguided attempt at increasing your “luck” that really has utterly no bearing on your actual odds of winning. Oh well, if it makes you magically feel more lucky somehow than by all means.
Me: “Alright, would you like to place an order?”
SC: “No. I told him I’d call back, but it’s after the deadline now so I can’t get in for it.”
….ok….annnd? I’m still not 100% what it is you want me to do here.
SC: “Well I told him I’d call back.”
Me: “Alright…..would you still like to place an order than or?”
SC: “Well no! I can’t get in under the deadline.”
Me: “….ok.”
Why did you call than? You don’t want to place an order. You don’t want me to try and sneak you in under the deadline. Did you just call just to whine? Or are you just trying to fulfill some sort of lovelorn promise you made with poor <coworker>? I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to learn he has an unsettling nocturnal secret admirer.
He can finally know the joy and happiness that its brought me these last few months.
Cause and Effect
SC: “Is this like the call centre?”
Me: “Yes, this is the call centre”
SC: “Ok well I want to get a hold of the factory.”
Me: “…the factory?”
SC: “Yes, I want to talk to the factory itself. Do they have a number?”
…..I foresee great disappointment in your future. The factory does not speak with the general public. Hence the presence of a call centre.
Me: “I don’t have a direct line I can give you, no, sorry.”
SC: “Mhmm. Don’t they have a number?”
Me: “I don’t have any numbers I can give you, unfortunately.”
SC: “Well, than is there someone else there that can give me it?!"
Ah yes, the ever popular “You’re not submitting to my unreasonable demands, allow me to appeal my case to a different employee in the hopes they will break policy and submit to my wishes.” Approach.
Me: “No, there’s not, sorry.”
SC: “I can’t get a hold of factory? You work for them, you should have a number for them.”
I never said I didn't. I only said I don't have one I can give you.
SC: "Strange way to do business."
Strange? It seems like a rather smart way to do business actually. Not allowing every single level of your company to be harassed by people such as yourself. Most people tend to be more productive when not pulled away from their normal job on a constant basis to field inane inquiries by random customers. That’s why they hire people, such as myself, specifically to field inane inquiries by random customers.
Me: “We’re their main info li-”
SC: “How does one find the number? I’m not interested in the call centre! But when I ask about the factory you’re all so evasive.”
Yes, because you’re being invasive. See, all of us would like to answer your inquiry ourselves. Thus sparing the factory the blight of your company. That is our job. We are the shield that protects the company’s tender innards from the rain of stupidly that showers upon it from the outside on a daily basis.
Me: “Why are you trying to reach the factory? I can answer any in-“
SC: “Why do you ask?! I just want to reach them. I don’t know why you would be evasive, if you have to contact them they have a number they give out to public, Kodak, even the CIA, anywhere, they have a phone number. Yours doesn’t have one. That’s hard to believe, what do you do send messengers over there?!"
Right, ok, you’re obviously rather unclear on how the average business works. Do you seriously think when you call Kodak you’re talking to their factory? In all blunt honesty you wouldn’t even speak the same language as everyone at their factory.
No, you’re speaking with their call centre. The call centre which is specifically set up to handle customer inquiries so that people whose jobs do not involve handling customer inquiries do not have to handle customer inquiries. You ( By which I mean you, yes you, the one holding the phone and speaking to me with his free hand down the front of his pants ) are a “customer” and you have a inquiry. I ( By which I mean me, the wonderfully handsome awe inspiring being you are speaking with ) am here to handle customer inquiries. Which is what you have. If you would just tell me what it is perhaps I could actually assist you.
Me: “The numbers are not generally available to the public, if there’s something I can help you with-“
SC: “I don’t think you can, you’re the call centre. I have to talk with the factory, why can’t I get a hold of them?”
You do realize that people such as yourself are exactly why you can’t get a hold of them, right?
Me: “There’s no way I can put you through to the factory.”
SC: “Very strange”
Me: “They don’t handle public inquiries.”
Again, because they have a call centre to do it for them. I’m not sure how many more ways I can explain this. Do you need me to try and explain it in interpretive dance? Because I will. I can’t promise my pants will stay on either. So you might want to consider smartening up rather swiftly.
SC: “They’re not listed on the Internet either….”
Me: “Yes, because they don’t handle public inquiries.”
SC: “Ok, well you’re not going to help me. Fine than. Bye.”
How would you even know? You never even tried to ask. What dark secret do you hold that is so terrible that you can only impart it to a factory employee? What possible riddle could you pose to them that you don’t believe I can help you answer? You’re vastly underestimating me. My wisdom is vast and unimaginable.
I even know how they get the caramilk into the Caramilk bar.
Ah, Calgary
SC: “What time do they open?”
Me: “They’ll be in, in 2 and a half hours.”
SC: “Ok, but that’s your time right? What time do they get in Calgary time?”
Me: “…..in 2 and a half hours?”
SC: “Oh.”
I’m not sure what sort of scale Calgary time operates on? I’m just foolishly assuming it uses the same units of measurement as the rest of world but I suppose I could be mistaken. Though I have been to Calgary before and I don’t recall any alternative method of measurement….I will concede that time does seem to pass slower when one is stuck in Calgary. But that’s merely perception, not a measurable scientific effect. But, I suppose, given the general vast, unending flatness of the region sundials are a reasonable and effective alternative. In which case main dispatch will be in, in approximately 11.4 degrees.
Ahhh, yes. Calgary. Did you know the city motto is “Onward”? That’s because if you keep driving west past it for about another hour or two you’ll actually reach something interesting. ( <insert rimshot here> ) ………if you’re from Calgary, please don’t hit me. ( You know, with your sundial. ).
See, this is how I know I’ve been living here long enough to truly become a Vancouverite. An increasingly inherent disdain for everything east of Hope and an irrational hatred of Toronto. I don’t even know why. I’ve only been to Toronto 2 or 3 times and that was over 10 years ago. Yet still, I loathe them now.
Villainy
Me: “Ok, and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Whatever one you have there.”
Well, personally, I have a MasterCard. However, if you actually think I’m going to purchase you a lottery ticket you are tragically and hilariously mistaken. I don’t think you understand the vast, dark chasm between us where philanthropy would normally be. If you were dying of thirst I would not buy you water from a public fountain.
What Do You Think?
Me: “Alright, and the card number please?”
SC: “It’s xxxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx”
Me: “Ok, and when does it expire?”
SC: “…..when does what expire?”
Your brainfart.
annnd rest. Maybe more later. Lord this has been a bad week. 3 posts worth. ><
But I know if I got you on the line Gravekeeper, I'd never have to do that. 
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